How and Why you decided to have more kids... or not.

[bubbly1126]

Hey everyone.

My son is 7 months old. If I am going to have another baby, we'd start trying when he's a year to a year and a half. I want 2 kids at most but am having a hard time deciding if we will actually have another, or not.

My reasons for having another baby:

Liam will have another child to grow up with. Sure, he has cousins but he doesn't see them all the time. I would like for him to have a sibling he can (hopefully) we close with.

I don't feel as though our family is "finished."

Pure selfishness. "I" want another baby.

Reasons for not having another baby:

Daycare. My mom currently watches Liam. However, she's made is abundantly clear she won't be watching the next baby. She's too worn out from my sisters extremely high maintenance children. She's absolutely in love with Liam but says she won't know if she'll have it in her to watch another grandbaby. I wouldn't be sending one child to her and the other to daycare, it would be both in daycare and I certainly cannot afford that.

I don't want to struggle financially. ie, mortgage & car payment wise. And I don't want Liam to ever have to go without something he needs.

Maybe this goes with the above but I also want to be able to live comfortable enough that we can take family vacations.


I am sure there is more I could come up with but these are the main things. I am young yet, 27 to be exact, so I have plenty of time. However, I don't want more children after the age of 30. It's just personal preference. So I need to make a decision in the next year or so if I want to keep them close in age.


How did you all decide to have more children or not have more children? I never thought it would be this hard to decide. Are there any other things I should think about? Am I overthinking this? Any advice at all??

 

[monarch64]

Two things stood out to me when reading your post. One, that you want another baby. Two, that you don't feel like your family is "finished." Those two things for me would solidify my decision to have another. Everything else I think would fall into place, priority-wise. You can change your lifestyle to accomodate your wishes as far as living comfortably/within your means while still being able to take family vacations. You may have to redefine what "going without" means, and you may have to get creative with family vacations so they're more about family bonding and experience rather than posting glamour shots on FB, but I think where there's a will, there's a way.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm interested in hearing replies to this as we have an 8-week-old and I'm already champing at the bit to have another.

The reasons I want another are exactly the same as yours. Plus I think I'm in a bit of a I-can't-believe-how-much-I-love-this-baby-I-want-MORE fog.

We've decided to wait until K is 2 to try again, though. The bottom line is that kids are expensive. And if we have two, I don't think I'll continue to work. So not only will we have to worry about things like college educations for two kids, but our income will be reduced...and we live in a high-cost-of-living city to start with. So I'd say the financial barrier of having more than one kid is the biggest hurdle for us.

 

[Laila619]

Hey everyone.

My son is 7 months old. If I am going to have another baby, we'd start trying when he's a year to a year and a half. I want 2 kids at most but am having a hard time deciding if we will actually have another, or not.

My reasons for having another baby:

Liam will have another child to grow up with. Sure, he has cousins but he doesn't see them all the time. I would like for him to have a sibling he can (hopefully) we close with.

I don't feel as though our family is "finished."

Pure selfishness. "I" want another baby.

Reasons for not having another baby:

Daycare. My mom currently watches Liam. However, she's made is abundantly clear she won't be watching the next baby. She's too worn out from my sisters extremely high maintenance children. She's absolutely in love with Liam but says she won't know if she'll have it in her to watch another grandbaby. I wouldn't be sending one child to her and the other to daycare, it would be both in daycare and I certainly cannot afford that.

I don't want to struggle financially. ie, mortgage & car payment wise. And I don't want Liam to ever have to go without something he needs.

Maybe this goes with the above but I also want to be able to live comfortable enough that we can take family vacations.


I am sure there is more I could come up with but these are the main things. I am young yet, 27 to be exact, so I have plenty of time. However, I don't want more children after the age of 30. It's just personal preference. So I need to make a decision in the next year or so if I want to keep them close in age.


How did you all decide to have more children or not have more children? I never thought it would be this hard to decide. Are there any other things I should think about? Am I overthinking this? Any advice at all??

This was really it in a nutshell for me. If you don't feel like your family is complete, I think you should have another child.

Also, I hated being an only child myself, so I didn't want that for my son.

I would love to have a third some day, but I think we will stop at two for financial reasons.

 

[fieryred33143]

I'm still deciding between one and done or more.

I'm mostly in the one and done camp because I do feel like my family is complete. I'm very happy with just my little girl and don't really feel like adding another. In fact there have been several instances where I have wondered if I am pregnant and not once was I excited or happy with the thought. Quite the opposite, actually.

Other reasons stopping me is finances. We are very comfortable right now and can afford to do so many things with just the one. I don't know how that will change adding another. Things would be different in that LO #2 would go straight into daycare vs staying with grandma which was a cost I didn't have previously. Plus, DD1 would be in school. We're leaning towards public but who knows, she may end up in private which would mean double the cost in care. And of course, you never know what the next child will need in terms of medical care (God willing nothing but you never know).

However, I haven't decided one way or another because I really would like for her to have a sibling, especially since she won't even have a cousin. I grew up in a big family and it has it's advantages. Makes me kin of sad for DD knowing she won't even have a cousin so for that reason I'd like another. Not really a good reason to have another though.

 

[tammy77]

I'm of "advanced maternal age" being 35, DH is 31. My girls are 7 & 9 years old and from my previous marriage, which was never ideal even at it's best. They're great children (most of the time ) and honestly for a long time I thought I was done. For whatever reason, I always had a nagging "I'm not ready to make a final permanent decision" feeling though. When I was deciding to have a 2nd, I was dumb. I'm not even going to sugar coat it. I was in a BAD marriage, but I was an only child myself and I was adamant about having a sibling for my eldest - preferably 2 years apart age wise. They're 25 months apart, and while the first year is NOT for the faint of heart and even though that marriage failed, I'd still do it again because those girls are truly best friends. They share a room and at least for now, they sing together in the morning, still take a bath together (which drags on for an hour plus unless I nag them to get out), etc. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I hear them playing together and giggling.

I'm remarried now and I have always known that I want to have a child with my DH. He's such a good father figure for the girls and we have the loving, respectful, teamwork kind of marriage that's even better than I had dreamed about (again, most of the time ). I have no doubt that we can (and will, God willing) do a great job of raising a third child together. I wish that my daughters were younger so they'd have more in common, but it is what it is. I'm sure they will love their brother/sister (if we're lucky enough to ever conceive) and the built in babysitter will be nice for occasional runs to the store/date night.

Regarding the decision to add a 3rd (and final, for sure!) baby to our household...Financially it's not going to be easy, but we've talked about it and a bigger house, nicer car, extra money in the bank, etc. are far less important to us than having a child together. If it was going to mean someone would go without necessities (food, enough living space, clothes, modest savings for emergencies, etc.) then we wouldn't try for a third.

I definitely echo the "something's missing/incomplete" feeling. Good luck and I'm sure that your decision will make itself clear soon enough.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

I was around your age when my first was born and we had decided to try for #2 for the same reasons you have listed. We always wanted 2 kids and we wanted them 2 years apart so when my first was weaned at age 1, we started trying for our second and we had him. We've had to make financial sacrifices but it's been worth it. We can go on family trips, but not lavish ones like other people we know. I also decided to stay home b/c day care is too expensive around here. It's a trade-off, but it was worth it to us.

Also, a second child isn't necessarily more expensive. I mean, obviously, you have to buy more diapers, food, etc., but kids don't need as much as we're told they do.

While you're thinking about what to do, I'd recommend getting clear plastic bins from Target and start organizing baby stuff that can be used for your second child.

Good luck!

 

[Loves Vintage]

IHA - Since you didn't mention it, what does your husband think?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am on the fence. My DH and DD want another child. Yes, my 4 year asks me on a regular basis if I can get a baby girl in my belly. But, I can really see both sides. Part of me likes me life now and am not sure I am up to raising another baby. It was exhausting and my kid is a tough kid. I see the sibling point. I love mine, but let's me honest, I know a lot of people who HATE their siblings so there is no guarantee that they would be friends. Financially that is something to think about. I do not have access to free daycare. Having a child in daycare from 6 wks-5yrs is roughly $60,000. That's a lot of money and doesn't include anything besides daycare or the after school care my child (+ any future) will also have. Then part of me never planned on having only one child. Sometimes it is difficult to revise those dreams even if it is the right thing to do. So no, I don't think you are over thinking it at all. Sometimes I think people don't think about this decision enough. This is a HUGE decision that impacts many people. My way of dealing with it is waiting. I did not put such a strict age limit on myself and I really believe the answer will come. I have always been fine with larger gaps in age as well. That way I don't put so much pressure on myself to make a decision anytime soon.

 

[Haven]

We haven't even had our first yet, but I have never considered having fewer than two children.
I think this is because my three sisters are my best friends, and I cannot imagine life without them. That's not to say that onlies are missing out on anything, of course, but for me, there is something about having siblings that is so, so special.
I'm five, six, and nine years older than my sisters, though, and I wish we were closer in age. I'm hoping to have our kids closer together.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

When I was younger I thought I was going to have 4 children. Haha. That memory always makes me laugh and is a good reminder that it is different to think about a situation and to be in a situation.

 

[tammy77]

Haven, something tells me you will probably have no problems spacing yours exactly like you want! I love that you have such a good relationship with your sisters. I hope my girls still say that once they're grown!

 

[Pandora II]

It's a really tough one.

I'm 40 this year and DD turns 3 in a couple of months. I'd always said IF we decided to have a second I would have at least a 5 year gap so still not at that point yet.

Pros:
- I'm terrified of something happening to DD.
- Both DH and I are 1/4 siblings so we only really know about big families.
- I want her to feel that she can go anywhere and do anything without feeling guilty about us - I moved to Italy for 8 years and only saw my parents for a few weeks a year, I didn't worry as they had another 3 kids to keep them busy, would DD feel this kind of freedom.
- When we are gone she won't have anyone to play 'do you remember' with.
- our siblings all have or plan to have multiple offspring - will she be jealous of her cousins?
- I reckon we had a pretty great kid and I'd be interested to see what another would look like and be like.
- I don't have the overwhelming feeling that I'm done.

Cons:
- we live in London which is very expensive. To get a 3 bedroom flat rather than our current 2 bedroom we would need to pretty much double our current budget which is not on the cards.
- schools in the area are dire especially at secondary level. To live in an area with good public schools we would need to pay well over £1million GBP for a house. So we are looking at private schools options from either 7 or 11 onwards and hoping she will win a place - even then it will cost $24k a year. We could do this for one but not for two.
- living in London there isn't such a need for siblings as there are lots of things to do and loads of other only kids around.
- we have no relatives nearby so all childcare has to be paid for and that is $$$$.
- I hated being pregnant and very nearly died having DD - my chances of something going wrong again are high. DH has PTSD as a result of the trauma surrounding the birth and is petrified I wouldn't survive if we had a second.
- At my age the chances of chromosomal abnormalities go up significantly. We would have extensive testing and we would terminate for chromosomal abnormalities but it is still a big consideration.
- DD is not an easy child and I have had months of tearing my hair out and constant migraines. I am potentially Too Old For This Shit (TM - TGal).

I love tiny newborns, but it's a bit like puppies - you get a couple of weeks of cute sleepy bundles and then a lot of month of PITA young dog who needs endless training and supervision... do I have the strength to do it again???

The problem is that if we won the lottery and could have the big house and afford great childcare and great schools without even thinking about it then I would almost certainly opt to have another - so... does that mean I'd regret not having a second? It's a real internal dilemma for me and I go back and forth on it all the time.

 

[MustangGal]

We're pretty much one and done at this point (DS is 3 now). My cons line up with yours, but my pros are more that DH wants another, I seem to be missing the maternal gene and don't feel a need for another. I have 4 siblings, and while we mostly get along, none of us are close and we spent most of our childhood fighting and bickering. We have some strong personalities bewteen us . So giving my son a sibling was never high on my priority list. I'd rather give 1 child more time, attention, and fun in the way of vacations and experiences. We're also just barely comfortable with 1 in daycare, 2 would be a stretch and would require some major changes to our life.

It sounds like you really do what another, but you don't have to decide right now. Give it time and see how you feel as life goes on.

 

[Haven]

Haven, something tells me you will probably have no problems spacing yours exactly like you want! I love that you have such a good relationship with your sisters. I hope my girls still say that once they're grown!

I feel very lucky to be so close with my sisters. I honestly think a big part of it is that we always lived in small homes, so very close quarters, and we had to either like each other or be miserable. They really are my best friends, though. I did find them annoying when we were younger, since they were so much younger. And I was always jealous of the two that are (exactly) one year apart--they have an extra-special bond.

 

[Pandora II]

Neither DH nor I are close to our siblings. I was close to my brother (5 years difference) until he met his wife and now I rarely see them. My sister who is 20 months younger moved to Australia last year and we have yet to swap skype addresses... the other is 14 years younger than me so I'm more like an aunt - I was at boarding school by the time she was born.

So the sibling bond thing isn't an issue for me - sister and I fought together rather than played together as kids.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Neither DH nor I are close to our siblings. I was close to my brother (5 years difference) until he met his wife and now I rarely see them. My sister who is 20 months younger moved to Australia last year and we have yet to swap skype addresses... the other is 14 years younger than me so I'm more like an aunt - I was at boarding school by the time she was born.

So the sibling bond thing isn't an issue for me - sister and I fought together rather than played together as kids.

There's no way to predict. My boys are two years apart and are great friends but they bicker A LOT, as well! They'll play together for 1/2 hr, then get in a fight over SILLY stuff, then do the "silent treatment," then make up and then fight again. It NEVER ends. Well, okay, it ends at around 8:30 every night! The pro of close-in-age siblings is you can take them to do similar activites, like swim in the same section of the pool, ride bikes together w/out hovering 24/7, and watch similar movies!

 

[bubbly1126]

I appreciate everyone's responses. I have to tend to my little man now but I will be back later tonight after he goes to bed....

 

[TravelingGal]

All the ladies bring up good pros and cons. As for my answer?

Last January, I had a pregnancy scare. I was really unhappy about it, and the thought crept into my mind: Well, I don't *have* to have this baby.

We would have had it if I were pregnant. But I wasn't, and the feeling of relief for both of us, combined with that one horrible thought I had, sealed it for us. TGuy got a vasectomy one year later, and we are one and done, and very happy about it. Amelia doesn't desire a sister or brother at all. Strange kid, but the fact that she didn't seem to care definitely helped us decide.

 

[Haven]

All the ladies bring up good pros and cons. As for my answer?

Last January, I had a pregnancy scare. I was really unhappy about it, and the thought crept into my mind: Well, I don't *have* to have this baby.

We would have had it if I were pregnant. But I wasn't, and the feeling of relief for both of us, combined with that one horrible thought I had, sealed it for us. TGuy got a vasectomy one year later, and we are one and done, and very happy about it. Amelia doesn't desire a sister or brother at all. Strange kid, but the fact that she didn't seem to care definitely helped us decide.

I'd say you can't get a better litmus test for whether or not you want another child!

 

[bubbly1126]

Okay, little man just went to sleep...

I apologize b/c I am far too lazy to go back and reply to everyone individually.

Everyone has extremely valid points for having more children... and extremely valid points for not. Some of the things said have given me even more to think about.

I think my major issue is my self imposed time constraint. I think I need to just let it be and whatever happens, will happen. But I also feel so strongly about timing and everything. I know having my children close together won't necessarily be a promise that they will be close but I still don't want them too far apart. Ugh. I don't know.

My DH can go either way. There are times where he says he would be completely happy with just Liam. That we got the perfect baby the first time around, why have another? And then it seems like 5 minutes later he will be like oh my goodness, we can't have just one! I don't think he is entirely sure as to what he wants.... and I guess, neither am I.

I see both sides of the coin here. It's so tough.

 

[sapphirering]

I think if you feel like your family isn't complete, then you will regret not having another one later down the line. However, I think prudent financial planning is SO important and it is great that you are keeping this in mind.

I know you said that you don't want to have kids over 30, but it sounds like you are young enough to save up for a few more years and then you can have another baby. If you wait until your first child is in kindergarten, then you wouldn't have to pay daycare for two kids.

We have two boys spaced 25 months apart. The second one was an accident, but we always thought that we'd have two anyway. Now I can't imagine just having one. Two is more than twice the chaos, but you get more than twice the love in return. To watch our first son learn to be a big brother is such an amazing sight to behold for me and my husband. When I see the two of them play together, I swear my heart just swells. (But then inevitably they both started screaming their heads off and then I mutter to myself, kids, what's the point? )

Oh, and I'm not close to my siblings at all, and neither is DH.

eta: believe me, if you and your DH have another one, you'll think that the new baby is oh so perfect in his/her own way as well! I never thought that I'd truly love two beings equally but I do!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

We are two and through and are not planning on a third child. I was kind of one and done, and then number two happened, but I don't feel I could be a good mother to three kids. I think a lot depends on not only your kids' personalities as to how easy or difficult you find parenting, but also your own personality. And money-wise, I almost passed out when we got our tax statement from daycare and saw that we spent over $30k in daycare costs last year- and people pay more the closer you get to DC. I know the expensive days will come to an end when the kids are both in school, but even then, we'll need some form of before-school care.

My husband surprised me by saying he would be open to a third, but that #3 would need to be adopted from Korea because he doesn't like babies and refuses to do the newborn thing again. And since we can't afford a second adoption from Korea, we won't be having a 3rd child! While I get baby urges from time to time, I realize I only want to cuddle them, then give them back. When I see an infant, the biggest thought that goes to me is that thank goodness those days are over. That's probably a sign too...

 

[Haven]

Okay, little man just went to sleep...

I apologize b/c I am far too lazy to go back and reply to everyone individually.

Everyone has extremely valid points for having more children... and extremely valid points for not. Some of the things said have given me even more to think about.

I think my major issue is my self imposed time constraint. I think I need to just let it be and whatever happens, will happen. But I also feel so strongly about timing and everything. I know having my children close together won't necessarily be a promise that they will be close but I still don't want them too far apart. Ugh. I don't know.

My DH can go either way. There are times where he says he would be completely happy with just Liam. That we got the perfect baby the first time around, why have another? And then it seems like 5 minutes later he will be like oh my goodness, we can't have just one! I don't think he is entirely sure as to what he wants.... and I guess, neither am I.

I see both sides of the coin here. It's so tough.

I'm not sure if this will ease your mind a bit, but my sisters are 5, 6, and 9 years younger than I am, and we are all very close. Crazy close. As in, we created our own language and we still use it to this day. Much to the dismay of our SOs. If you decide you want another child, and the timing doesn't work out perfectly, I think you will still be a-okay.

 

[parrot tulips]

We have a 5 1/2 month old, and she makes our family feel complete. I have no urge to have another. Plus, I'm 36 years old (so a little older) and had a complicated pregnancy.

However...I love having sisters, and couldn't imagine life without them. That, coupled with the fact that A was originally a twin, makes me want to give her a sibling. Not to mention DH would like to have another.

Since my feelings on the subject are so wishy washy, and my husband has left the final decision to me, I've decided that whether or not we try for a second will depend on what my perinatologist has to tell me. I had cervical shortening in my last pregnancy, which caused me to go into labor and deliver 10 weeks early. If the doc tells me that there is a good chance of this happening again, A will be an only child. I was on bed rest for 3 months; 3 weeks of that time was spent in the hospital. After that, I spent 6+ hours a day, every day, for 6 weeks visiting the NICU. I can't do that again with a child at home. If there is a good chance of having a normal pregnancy, we'll start trying again as soon as it's safe to (after a c-section). If we try again, and I'm not pregnant by 40, then we'll be happy with the child we were blessed with.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

DH and I have two kids - our son is 3.5 and our daughter is 15 months. We decided to have a second even though I have health issues that made the pregnancy, labor, delivery and recovery difficult. We knew we didn't want to have just one child so prepared ouselves to make whatever sacrifices necessary to complete our family. We knew that our daughter would be our last, which in the beginning was a little hard to accept. Just knowing that there couldn't be anymore (biological) children, even if we never planned on having more than 2 to begin with, was a concept that we both had to get used to. Now, I'm happy we only have 2. Our house is tiny, the costs of everything is going up, and we don't want to be outnumbered by children

 

[Kunzite]

I think you pretty much answered your own question, you don't feel like your family is done. I think that is far more important than taking large vacations, etc. And you mention that you don't want Liam to go without having his needs met, but I think you really mean his wants, since you mention car payments and vacations. Just like having your first, there might never be a perfect time to have a second either. At some point you just have to decide if there are things you can do financially to make it happen. Trust me, I understand the financial side. Before we tried for number two I constantly asked dh, are you sure we can afford this?! And we could, barely. So when we found out it was twins my first thoughts were soley $$ based! Not, oh I've always wanted twins, but where are we going to find the money for that?! Because I didn't think it was remotely possible. But in reality we just needed to take a serious look at our financial picture as a whole and make a lot of changes. Sure, we'll probably be wiped out for the first few years when all of the kids are in daycare, but after that we'll be back to where we started and have our big (hopefully happy) family to show for it.

 

[Haven]

This is OT, but . . .

Kunzite--I cannot tell you how excited I am that you are having twins! THREE babies as cute as your little Oliver? I am so excited for you!!!! You make the cutest babies ever.

 

[packrat]

We both wanted a third baby after Trapper was born-even back up in my room after I was out of recovery, when JD walked in and saw the look on my face as I nursed, he said "Oh boy, the next one's not far off!" Five years later..there won't be a third one. He left it open and 100% up to me..financially I just couldn't do it. I was 32 at the time, 37 now, and if we were going to, we were going to do it right away but I just couldn't. I didn't get enough time alone w/Trapper as it was, and I didn't like the thought of having another baby, which would lessen my time w/Trapper and London. That's why we waited to have Trapper-I wasn't ready to share my time yet. Plus, being pg w/Trapper was really hard on me, a lot harder than London, and it really messed up my abdominals to the point at some time I'll need surgery to fix it. Having a 3 year old and a newborn was hard (and he was/is a lot more high maintenance than London) , and I didn't get much help of any kind, so that also was a factor. I would just give it some time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have two kids. They are ten months and just over three years.

Here is my facebook update from this morning:

"Fun times with two kids: Hunter did not go to sleep until 9pm, then Ryder woke at 1am, followed by Hunter ar 1:15 and they did not get back to sleep until 2am. Then at 5am Hunter woke and came into our bed, and Ryder woke at 5:15 and grumbled, cried, and fussed off an on until I gave in and got him at 6:15. Yes, I am losing my marbles. "

So, my only advice is think long and hard before you have another! It is a tonne of work. We will not be having any more