How am I supossed to deal with his Bachelor Party

[mellowy7]

Okay. So all my life I never was controlling or demanding especially in my relationships. I am normally very secure and don''t worry about my future husband going out with the boys and having fun. However, the Bachelor Party scares the crap out of me!! I do trust him, so don''t even start with that. And yes we should get married, we love each other very much and I can''t imagine my life without him. I''m just scared that his friends are going to think that this great amazing idea of a Bachelor party, that is over the line was a great idea at the time until it ruined our relationship. I don''t think that my Fiancee would ever cheat on me, sober or do things out of line, sober. However at his bachelor party they are going to get him wasted and he isn''t going to be making his own decissions. Is it just me? Am I the only one so scared I can''t sleep at night? Now I just heard that they want to take him to NYC. Thats 6 hours away from where we are going to be for the week of our wedding. I''m ok with him going out with the boys and having fun. I am going out with the girls and having fun the same night so I won''t be left at home getting sick over this. I trust him, I don''t trust them. Is it unreasonable to want him to have a great night at the same time as me and be finished the same night with all of this? Since when is getting a guy to practically cheat on his girl or step over the line of what is okay, since when is that "male bonding"? Why should we stand on the sidelines, when this whole party is supossed to be out how much we lover each other and want to be together?

I think those Bachelor parties should be for them. The actuall bachelors, guys that aren''t pledging their love and eternity to be with the one they love. How do those go hand in hand? Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this? And yes, I have told my Fiancee how I feel and he thinks that I must not trust him. But I keep trying to explain that I don''t trust what can happend when guys get rowdy and think they are doing him a "favor". I also, know how he and his best man used to be before me. They did a lot of bad things with girls and they got really wild. Maybe I should just get on Xanex until this is all over.

 

[neatfreak]

Personally I don't think alcohol is a reason for cheating. Neither is pressure from friends. And I trusted my husband enough to know that he wouldn't put himself in that situation and neither would his friends. You say you trust him, but not when he's drunk? Or you don't trust him enough to withstand peer pressure? To me that means you DON'T trust him, but I might just be reading that incorrectly.

 

[Aim_Turbo]

I totally understand where you''re coming from! I used to be a bartender and I worked a bacholore party that ended when one of our bouncers found the groom in the bathroom with the stripper doing things they shouldn''t be doing!!! The bide and grooms dad''s were there so you can imagine the uproar this caused! Everyone was really angry at the groom even the best man!

Because of that experience I''m worried about the bacholore party too but we have to get over it. Bad things like that happen when there is underlying problems in the relationship..just because a guy is smashed doesn''t mean he''s going to be coerced into doing something wrong and his friends (I would hope) wouldn''t want to ruin his life either. That''s what would happen if they put him in that kind of position. Anyways go out with your girls have a great awesome time and don''t worry about your guy..he''ll make the right choice!!!

 

[meresal]

I understand you 100%!!! Chris has been to his friends bachelor parties and they have all gotten the groom lap dances... and it sickens me. It''s not him, it''s his friends that I don''t trust. I like them when I''m there, and I like them when they''re just at a bar without me, but I do NOT like them when I hear how they act at strip clubs. I hate thinking about it, and I will probably take sleeping pills just to avoid the entire night. I suggest a HUGE girls night, and doing everything possible to keep it off your mind. That''s my plan!!

 

[Independent Gal]

I totally understand and hear you. Honestly? I don''t think I could marry a guy who would cheat at the bachelor party or who had friends who would try to make him do so. Cheating is cheating. Neither alcohol nor peer pressure is any excuse. You might just have to make clear to him that if he cheats, for any reason, it will destroy your marriage and your relationship. Do NOT be the ''chill cool girl'' on this one, or he might think it''s OK. Tell him exactly how you feel, that you trust that he will keep control of himself, and that he will not do anythign to put your marriage at risk. If he cheats, don''t marry him. Cheating is cheating, and if he doesn''t think it''s ALWAYS cheating, you''re looking for trouble later on.

There was an interesting article about this on Indybride that someone posted ages ago. I''ll see if I can find it for you. Then maybe you can print it out and give it to him to read. Then tell him you trust that he would never EVER let his friends make him get out of control. And that you would feel the way this woman does.

 

[musey]

Well, first of all, I think that we need to know WHAT kind of bachelor party this is gonna be. Are we talking excessive amounts of alcohol, strippers, possibly other questionable drugs?

Even if so, you're marrying this man because you love and respect him over all others... right? And you wouldn't marry someone who didn't have that kind of mutual respect for you... right? Someone who has that kind of love and respect for you will NOT cheat, even under bachelor party circumstances. And if he did, then that would clarify his love-and-respect level. Better sooner than later.


My FI suggested a joint bachelor/bachelorette party in Vegas with friends, so we'll be partying together all weekend. If he wanted the stereotypical bachelor party, strippers and all, I would have to ask him: "Who ARE you and what have you done with my FI??!" Still, if that's what he wanted, that's what he'd get. I wouldn't be super-excited about it, but it is HIS party... and I trust him not to violate the trust we've built.

 

[aprilcait]

I get where you're coming from. You can trust your guy all you want, but if his friends can't be trusted, that kind of throws a wrench into things.

We're doing a bachelor-bachelorette party, (basically, just a bar crawl with friends). We felt a bit funny doing a party because, since we've been together for almost 8.5 years we figure the term "bachelor" and "bachelorette" no longer describe us. However our friends were having none of that. So we compromised.

IMHO, even though it might be fun, I think bachelor and bachelorette parties are a bit of an antiquated tradition.

 

[Independent Gal]

Here it is:
http://www.indiebride.com/essays/cole/index.html

You are not being controlling by insisting he not cheat on you. Seriously. I mean seriously.

And it's amazing the number of guys who think it's not actually cheating if it happens at the bachelor party.

 

[musey]

Date: 2/25/2008 2:46:02 PM
Author: aprilcait

IMHO, even though it might be fun, I think bachelor and bachelorette parties are a bit of an antiquated tradition.

I agree. People date for way too long for it to inherently make sense anymore. Back when "courtships" lasted under a year, sure, but not when we're all dating (and even living with) our future spouses for years and years beforehand!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

IG mentioned indiebride, there are some great threads there about bachelor parties.

To be honest, I was very indifferent to DH's party. If he wanted to drink and go to a strip club, that was fine. If he wanted to play golf, that was fine, too. When the best man approached me to ask what he should plan, I told him to talk to DH and do whatever he wanted. DH didn't think that a club was an appropriate place to celebrate getting married and his friends aren't really big into it, either, so it was a non-issue. When a friend of ours got married and her husband had a bachelor party that she was against, he said that he didn't see the point of having one if it was really upsetting to the future wife. If she's fine with it, great, but if not, it can cross a line of being disrespectful.

So I would be very clear to him that you are not comfortable with it. I know that many women try to be "cool" about it by acting okay with it, but I think it takes strength to say "you know, I'm not okay with this and I'm drawing the line."

ETA: Oops, I can't get my "gals" right!

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes! Yes! Draw the line. Let him know in advance that this is NOT OK with you, that you will feel humiliated and upset. That it is not ''normal'' or acceptable to you.

It''s OK to assert yourself like that.

 

[AceP]

if you are in those early-to-mid-20s years, when men will be boys, you may think about just laying some ground guidelines. (note i didn''t say "rules.") your fiance should know that you''re anxious. he should also know what you''re comfortable with (sure, go to scores and get a lapdance) and what you''re not so comfy with (no private rooms, please). if he respects you, he will respect your boundaries. and if he knows you''re uneasy, he''ll probably even throw you a text or two over the course of the night, which i would imagine will go a long way to making you feel better. have you had an adult conversation about your fears?

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, as you said, you don''t trust his friends, but your trust your man. So you''re going to have to TRUST HIM.

Short of saying he can''t go, there isn''t too much more you can do. I didn''t love the idea either, but I trusted TGuy. He came home after his trip to Vegas and did tell me at one point he had three strippers all over him. Ick. He didn''t tell me anything else...any stories of his friends, etc. Honestly, I didn''t care to know ANYTHING but TGuy has always had this weird habit of "coming clean." So I trust him.

And I also know if something DID happen, that he wouldn''t touch me. We''re both too paranoid of giving each other something. Back when things started to look like it may get serious, we both got tested for HIV and other STDs, without even asking each other to do it.

I didn''t want a bachelorette party but all the girls whose hubbies were off throwing TGuy his bachelor party threw me a surprise one at a local club. Ours got pretty messy (alcohol wise) and there were some British guys hitting on us. Even in my drunken stupor, I remember saying, "I''m engaged. I love my fiance sooo much!" to any guy who talked to me (and admittedly, some were cute!) Our guys heard about our night out and looked way more concerned about our night than we were about theirs. TGuy even refused to look at the pics (which were harmless.)

 

[Independent Gal]

Wow, this thread is interesting, because it seems like for some women it IS different at the bachelor party than at other times.

I think the important thing is how you feel about it, and that he KNOWS how you feel about it. That way he can''t delude himself.

And since, for me, cheating is cheating, I feel like I''m entitled to lay down ''RULES'' not just guidelines. We both agree that there will be no cheating in our marriage. That''s a rule, not a guideline. It''s not controlling, it''s an insistence on being treated with respect, if it feels to you like disrespect otherwise.

 

[mimzy]

I''m not sure what advice to give you, but i would make it totally clear to him that drinking or his friends are NOT an excuse for any sort of inappropriate behavior. a lot of guys probably have the mindset that either you''ll never find out, that it''s not going to hurt anything, that you''re going to forgive them regardless, etc, and they go into their party pretty much ready to let anything happen. if you are still overly concerned, lay down some reasonable ground rules, and if he doesn''t agree to abide by them then he 1)doesn''t have very much respect for you and 2)is most likely GOING to do the things that you are scared about. and judge him to see if he agrees to what you say BECAUSE you told him not to, or because HE would never want to do those things anyways. that might be telling....

i have to agree with IG and musey - cheating is cheating. and i would NOT be okay with the idea that there is a good chance that his "friends" are going to "make him" do things that will get him to cheat. if your guys is willing to put himself in a situation that is likely going to end in trouble, then that is his fault as much as, if not moreso, than his friends. and even though you say that you do trust him, you don''t trust him to stand up for himself and what "he wants" (not cheating on you)....and that''s a problem. this might sound sort of harsh and i''m really sorry if it does, but no guy is going to put himself in that position unless he wants to be. If he''s getting married, then i assume he is a grown man, and grown men should NOT be so susceptible to peer pressure as to risk jeprodizing their future marriage.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/25/2008 2:48:37 PM
Author: musey

Date: 2/25/2008 2:46:02 PM
Author: aprilcait

IMHO, even though it might be fun, I think bachelor and bachelorette parties are a bit of an antiquated tradition.

I agree. People date for way too long for it to inherently make sense anymore. Back when ''courtships'' lasted under a year, sure, but not when we''re all dating (and even living with) our future spouses for years and years beforehand!

Yeah, I don''t get it either. In TGuy''s case, they all went to Vegas for the football season opener, and his bachelor party was an add on. So either way, he would have gone to Vegas.

And it''s OK to lay down ground rules. I told TGuy that strippers could slither all over him as much as they wanted, but he was not to lay a FINGER on them. He told me he sat on his hands. Hehehe.

 

[Sabine]

Have you discussed with your FI about what he wants for his party? I was feeling really nervous about my FI''s party until he and I decided (for both of us) that we didn''t really want to be seeing people naked, so no strippers. He clearly communicated that to his best man in a way that the best man KNEW that was really what he wanted, and not just what he was saying, and that did help me to feel a little better. However, if your FI wants to get wild, the best thing I think you could do is clearly tell him how certain behaviors like cheating would end your relationship. If he then puts himself in a situation where that occurs (like he allows himself to get SO DRUNK and is around people who would ENCOURAGE cheating and not stop it if he couldn''t control himself) then as devastating as that is, it would be better for you to find out now than after you marry him.

 

[bee*]

I kind of agree with TGal-if you trust him, then that''s what you''ll have to do. I would sit down and let him know what you would or would not be comfortable with though. D is going to away for the weekend for his. Some of his friends wanted to take him to Eastern Europe (we live in Ireland), but he didn''t want to do that as he wants an action weekend instead (ie. fishing, go carting, paint balling etc). I''m sure when they go out at night that some of his friends will try and get girls to chat to him etc, but there''s not much I can do about that and I trust him not to do anything that will compromise our relationship. If strippers arrive, well I hope that he gets a good looking one

.

I think he''s more worried about my night than I am his. We''re having a sex and the city themed night so lots of cocktails followed by a murder mystery night. For some reason, he''s worried about this!!

 

[tberube]

What I have to say might sound harsh, but I'll be honest with you: I don't see why a "secure" person would worry about what her fiance will do at his bachelor party.

You should ask yourself why it really is that you think he might cheat on you during his bachelor party, if you have a reason to think so, and why you're insecure enough to worry about it? Because, yes, you are insecure.

I have heard both sides of this issue, but I still strongly agree that a bachelor party is something you MUST be generous enough to give him, and you MUST be able to trust him on this night. You're afraid of him doing something that will ruin your relationship, but being jealous and not letting him enjoy this "last night" of bachelordom with his guy friends could ruin your relationship too. It really hurts to hear that the person you're marrying doesn't trust you enough to go out and party without them, especially if there's no reason for that person NOT to give you her trust.

And don't believe for one second that his friends can "make" him do something bad just because he's drunk. If he's going to do something, then it's because he wants to do it. Usually it's a sign of an underlying problem in the relationship, not peer pressure.

I know I'll be worried when FI goes on his bachelor party - but I'll be worrying for his safety! Nevermind strippers or alcohol - I know he won't go too far. I say, don't give his bachelor party another thought. Let him enjoy his time, let him tell you all about it when he gets home. And he'll do the same for you.

Just my $0.02

 

[princesss]

Date: 2/25/2008 3:03:43 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/25/2008 2:48:37 PM

Author: musey

Date: 2/25/2008 2:46:02 PM

Author: aprilcait


IMHO, even though it might be fun, I think bachelor and bachelorette parties are a bit of an antiquated tradition.

I agree. People date for way too long for it to inherently make sense anymore. Back when 'courtships' lasted under a year, sure, but not when we're all dating (and even living with) our future spouses for years and years beforehand!

Yeah, I don't get it either. In TGuy's case, they all went to Vegas for the football season opener, and his bachelor party was an add on. So either way, he would have gone to Vegas.


And it's OK to lay down ground rules. I told TGuy that strippers could slither all over him as much as they wanted, but he was not to lay a FINGER on them. He told me he sat on his hands. Hehehe.

Random fact: Bachelorette parties really only became common (at least common enough to be considered a part of the "To Do List" in Brides magazine in 1997. So I'd say maybe it's not quite old enough to be antiquated. The idea behind it, maybe. But not the party itself.

To the OP: Definitely make it clear you expect him to not do anything, and that to touch/do anything with another woman is unacceptable, and would lead to the end of your relationship. You've gotten great advice here, so I don't think I can add anything. I want to make sure you hear this one more time, though: it's not controlling to demand (yes, you get to demand) that he not have any sort of sexual contact with another woman. You are due that respect.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/25/2008 3:03:37 PM
Author: mimzy

i have to agree with IG and musey - cheating is cheating. and i would NOT be okay with the idea that there is a good chance that his ''friends'' are going to ''make him'' do things that will get him to cheat. if your guys is willing to put himself in a situation that is likely going to end in trouble, then that is his fault as much as, if not moreso, than his friends. and even though you say that you do trust him, you don''t trust him to stand up for himself and what ''he wants'' (not cheating on you)....and that''s a problem. this might sound sort of harsh and i''m really sorry if it does, but no guy is going to put himself in that position unless he wants to be. If he''s getting married, then i assume he is a grown man, and grown men should NOT be so susceptible to peer pressure as to risk jeprodizing their future marriage.

Yup, my husband trusts that whatever get thrown my way (hot guys, alcohol, whatever) that I will not put myself in a situation that will jeopardize our relationship. I trust him the same way...because I have to and it''s required.

I often wonder why the bachelor party is such a source of anxiety for so many women. I can understand that we don''t like the blatant thought of strippers slithering all over our SOs, but honestly...I think the workplace (where he spends half of his waking day) is a much scarier place for breeding infidelity. And yet most of us don''t really think about that...

 

[diamondfan]

I am curious how many guys actually do sexual or inappropriate things at their bachelor party. No way to ever really know unless you spy on them! I think some guys are out of control by nature and any excuse to do so is taken. Other guys would never go there, no matter the situation. I think you can have a frank discussion, I would assume most guys know that their fiancee is not going to love the idea of a fling before the big day...do not know many girls who would think this is fine. But also think in the moment, some guys are just likelier to do certain things if they are drunk and being encouraged by their pals. You know the kind of guy he is. And I think a guy can have fun without all of that.

My hubby had a night out with the guys, they did a roast of his life, had nice wine and cigars. I do not think he even had any thought of having strippers. But that is not the type of guy he is. And I have spoken to many women who tell me the same thing. I had a bachelorette party, we went out for a nice dinner and then to the Comedy Store in L.A. I know hubby would NOT have liked it if I had them, but I did not want them anyway. That was not necessary for me to have a good time.

 

[tberube]

Date: 2/25/2008 3:20:49 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/25/2008 3:03:37 PM

Author: mimzy


i have to agree with IG and musey - cheating is cheating. and i would NOT be okay with the idea that there is a good chance that his ''friends'' are going to ''make him'' do things that will get him to cheat. if your guys is willing to put himself in a situation that is likely going to end in trouble, then that is his fault as much as, if not moreso, than his friends. and even though you say that you do trust him, you don''t trust him to stand up for himself and what ''he wants'' (not cheating on you)....and that''s a problem. this might sound sort of harsh and i''m really sorry if it does, but no guy is going to put himself in that position unless he wants to be. If he''s getting married, then i assume he is a grown man, and grown men should NOT be so susceptible to peer pressure as to risk jeprodizing their future marriage.

Yup, my husband trusts that whatever get thrown my way (hot guys, alcohol, whatever) that I will not put myself in a situation that will jeopardize our relationship. I trust him the same way...because I have to and it''s required.


I often wonder why the bachelor party is such a source of anxiety for so many women. I can understand that we don''t like the blatant thought of strippers slithering all over our SOs, but honestly...I think the workplace (where he spends half of his waking day) is a much scarier place for breeding infidelity. And yet most of us don''t really think about that...

Travelling gal - you just said exactly what I''d hoped to say (except I failed). Bravo!

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/25/2008 2:43:48 PM
Author: musey
Well, first of all, I think that we need to know WHAT kind of bachelor party this is gonna be. Are we talking excessive amounts of alcohol, strippers, possibly other questionable drugs?

Even if so, you''re marrying this man because you love and respect him over all others... right? And you wouldn''t marry someone who didn''t have that kind of mutual respect for you... right? Someone who has that kind of love and respect for you will NOT cheat, even under bachelor party circumstances. And if he did, then that would clarify his love-and-respect level. Better sooner than later.


My FI suggested a joint bachelor/bachelorette party in Vegas with friends, so we''ll be partying together all weekend. If he wanted the stereotypical bachelor party, strippers and all, I would have to ask him: ''Who ARE you and what have you done with my FI??!'' Still, if that''s what he wanted, that''s what he''d get. I wouldn''t be super-excited about it, but it is HIS party... and I trust him not to violate the trust we''ve built.

Musey... this is what I proposed bc we always go out together and have an awesome time. However, my BF nixed this idea right off the bat. I was all for it, but some guys just want it to be a guys night. bummer...

 

[meresal]

I guess it''s just the idea that I don''t want those icky girls all over MY man, and the idea that they portray. I know he won''t cheat... he spent 3 yrs with a girl, the last year of which he wanted to be with me, and never cheated on her. I mean, if he can not cheat on a girl he cant stand that was 3 states away, there''s no wy he''s cheating on me. I say the best cure is just a good ole'' fashion girls night. It really does cure most of life''s issues!!

 

[sumbride]

I guess I was lucky because most of my DH''s friends are already married and/or settled, so though he did do the weekend in Vegas thing, I wasn''t very worried about it. I knew he wouldn''t cheat, but I was a little concerned about a glut of strippers, so I said "you can have ONE lap dance. ONE." And he thought I was so cool for not saying "NONE" that he was thrilled. He told his friends, who looked at me and said "but that can last for an hour, right?" and I said "ONE". In the end they never actually went to a club... they hired a private dancer. That kind of bothered me a bit more, really, but I trust him and I know that I would have heard if it had been anything more than the usual strippery stuff. My DH can''t keep his mouth shut. He just can''t. He did thank me for the ONE lap dance, which I suspect was more like 3 or 4. But whatever. We''re married now.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m sooooo glad that my guy is appalled by the idea of strippers. I really don''t think I could handle even that. I feel like sexuality is now something between him and I, not him and I and the occasional stripper. Maybe I''m uptight. Guess it''s good that I''m marrying a guy who''s equally uptight in that particular way and feels the same as I do about it!

Well, each to their own I guess.

 

[Neveah]

Honestly, I could care less about strippers. In fact I told the Best Man to definitley get them and make sure they embarass the hell out of my FI! That doesn''t worry me at all. FI friends are all great guys and we have a mutual respect. Besides the fact that FI would never do anything to disrespect me, his friends would never try to get him to either.

I''ll tell you what DOES worry me.... I''m scared to death someone is going to drink too much and pass out and not wake up, or fall through glass.... you get my point. The excessive alcohol scares me the most. They do tend to get crazy and live their "good old days" which now in their early 30''s they can''t hang like they used to.... but they try.

You should have an honest talk with your FI and try to understand where your lack of trust comes from. Good Luck.

 

[chicagolawyer]

I feel the same way as many previous posters.

This is the man you have chosen to marry, friends and all. To me, trusting your future husband means that you trust him regardless of who he is with and whether he is drinking or not. I think if he''s a grown man then he should be able to resist the peer pressure of his friends to do something harmful to you even when drunk.

I had an ex that I did not trust under the influence of alcohol when he was around some of his friends. I was almost panicky when he went out with them and drank, and as a result out relationship suffered. I discouraged him from hanging out with and drinking with these people, which he rightly saw as trying to control him. I did not want to spend the rest of my life either trying to limit his access to these negative influences, or worrying about what he would do if he was with them.

As others said I do agree it should be made clear, if somehow it is not already, what your definition of infidelity is and that it is NEVER acceptable regardless of who he is with and how drunk he is.

Other than that, I don''t see what else you could do.

Please don''t feel that I''m judging your relationship -- this next statement only applies to me, and I think it''s very normal for women to worry about bachelor parties.

If I was very very worried about FI''s bachelor party I personally would feel that there was something bigger at issue that needed to be dealt with. FI travels for work constantly with male coworkers who are like friends. They go out to big dinners and drink almost as part of the job, often staying out late with clients. (typical in their old boys club industry) so I''d be worrying incessantly.

 

[sunnyd]

I guess I''m "lucky" to live in Washington where strip clubs have no alcohol and lights on and the 5 ft rule... haha. Now you''re just the creepy sober guy watching naked women dance around. I like the idea of joint bach parties also, but I''m pretty sure SO''s friends won''t go for that.

I really think that even drunk, you don''t do things unless you want to do them. But you definitely have the right to tell him what you do and don''t find acceptable. Good luck.