hm..advice?

[rainbowtrout]

Do any of you have parents who buy you things you know they can''t afford? How do you handle it? I went looking for a dress with my mother today, because I was going to buy myself a 40-50 dollar summer type dress for work if I could find one. I didn''t, but she gave me this shirt to try on. It''s a great shirt, and it looks good, but I couldn''t afford it (78 dollars). I mean yes, its some woman called Ann Fontaine (?) and supposed to be very expensive retail, but I can''t get across to her that it doesnt matter how much it is retail if I still can''t afford it anyway... I have student loans and am going into grad school, so am trying to be reasonably frugal here. I kept telling her this and trying not to make a scene in the shop..

She just bought it for me, and I couldnt exactly fuss at her "you can''t afford it" in front of the saleswoman. It''s just I know this is going to turn up later in something she cannot afford like pills or insurance, because it happens with her a lot. She had made a big deal about buying me diamond earrings (some of you may remember) for graduation, and it just didn''t happen, the way my health insurance freshman year didn''t happen,etc.

I don''t mind when its me--I could care less about diamond earrings, for instance. But I had to give her half my migraine meds last month because hers ran out and she couldnt afford more, and I worry about what will happen to her, and when (knock on wood) to me when she passes on-=-she has stated that she has no intention of paying her large debts before she dies.

If I try to talk to her about it she gets offended (understandably) and says she is an adult and I should not say anything and let her do her thing. But I still worry.

Sorry for rambling. Please let me know any advice.

 

[movie zombie]

take the blouse back.....its not really a gift if you end up obligated to share your meds or make up the difference in her budget.

movie zombie

 

[FireGoddess]

I''d take the blouse back as well. And then either give her the money, or if you think she won''t take it or will get offended, stash it away in a jar for use when SHE runs out of meds or whatever, and use the money for what it should have been used to pay for in the first place.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I can''t take it back--it''s from a consignment shop. I thought of that, but that would be the problem...

 

[rainbowtrout]

On the up side, I found 40 bucks on the street today, so maybe that was God;s way of telling me to stick it somewhere as shirt collateral.

 

[diamondfan]

You are in a bind, but you know what is going to happen so I would just stash the 40.00 and keep it handy for when she needs something. Not to be insenstive, but could you be on the hook for her debts in any way? Even if you are not on paperwork for loans and stuff, can you be held liable? That is very concerning to me, a bit off topic but I just would want to know I am protected since she has decided not to pay her bills...enjoy the blouse now and do not fret too much since you cannot return it anyway!

ETA: I would maybe gently tell her that while you appreciate her generosity, you are fine, and you know she goes without when she treats you, so please reisist if possible. This way, you are being kind, because it might be hard to say, do not get me X because then I have to pay for Y for you later on when you do not have the money...this way you are allowing her to save face. Otherwise, I would return, if I can, things that she gets me, and save the money for a rainy day...

 

[rainbowtrout]

I don''t know; basically I need to talk to a lawyer at some point. I''ve already gotten a few unpleasant surprises with loans she took out in my name for school that she didn''t tell me about defaulting, so it''s worth checking into.

 

[movie zombie]

i really don''t want to sound unkind but there is no way of getting around it: the time to talk to a lawyer is NOW. loans in your name for school that she defaults on? buying ''gifts'' for you she can''t afford and then coming to you for $$$ for meds, etc? again, i don''t want to be unkind as she is your mother, but there is more to this than what appears on the surface as just trying to do something nice for you....i''d suggest also a few counseling sessions for yourself to understand what is going on is and how you can handle it.

my in-laws played a very very very similar game with my husband. i know i''ve mentioned this book before in other threads but it was very very helpful: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553381407/ref=ord_cart_shr/104-1908040-5645529?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance&n=283155

movie zombie

 

[diamondfan]

rainbow, I do not want to sound naive but how could she take loans out in your name without your knowledge or signature? I would think, if you were not aware or not in agreement, that it is fraud for her to use your name on binding documents. Seriously, there is more at stake here than your mom being careless with HER money and or buying you stuff that she cannot afford so you end up on the hook for something else. This could ruin your credit rating permanently or cause you serious financial hardship, so I would get soe advice ASAP.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 7/6/2006 10:21:15 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
I don''t know; basically I need to talk to a lawyer at some point. I''ve already gotten a few unpleasant surprises with loans she took out in my name for school that she didn''t tell me about defaulting, so it''s worth checking into.

Sweetie, the time is NOW. The best gift your mom could give you - screw the blouse - is to not F!!! with your FUTURE. Taking loans out in your name and defaulting.....who''s the parent again?

You need to claim your life from her clutches here - she is doing you SERIOUS damage. It''s time to draw your line in the sand.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Diamondfan: I imagine it is fraud, technically--she does know my SSN and what my signature looks like, so I imagine that would be the "how" of it. Like a lot of parents she helped with my FASFA and taxes over college, and you see all that.

What happened with the loans was this: once I had won a scholarship for a summer program, and they didn''t pay as they were supposed to do (unbeknownst to me at the time). Two years later I got a call from a creditor at the dorm to find that the tuition was never all paid, and that they had been contacting her about it the whole time. Since I flat didn''t have the money, I told them the only way they would get it is to deal with her. I think she may still be paying it off; the company stopped sending me letters and my credit rating is still clean. Every time I try to call them I get a darn answering machine.

Also, when there was no money for my health insurance one year, she took out institutional non-subsidized loans in my name without telling me, which I have to pay back in about 6 months.

And last summer I got some vacinations she said she would pay for and then I got another call from a debt collector. This time I just paid them and said she could pay ME back directly since that won''t mess with my credit.

I am thinking about this more now because of all my student loans and I am TRYING to figure out who I pay the institutional loan to, but no one will talk to me since I am in deferall right now (I guess foreknowledge is a downside to these people?)

 

[rainbowtrout]

The problem is I don''t know what I would SAY to a lawyer. I''m not going to sue her, and stuff she has done is to try and help me, but I''m not sure what I could do. Perhaps change my SSN? I''m very careful never to give her my credit information.

 

[FireGoddess]

The loan people should be willing to talk to you, regardless if you''re in deferral or not right now, because people choose to make payments anyway at any time. Even if you weren''t going to make a payment, it is your right to get the information! Are you in the USA? If so, did you take advantage of getting your loans consolidated before July 1st, when interest rates went up?

 

[rainbowtrout]

I know they SHOULD talk to me, but I keep getting "well you can't submit anything until the end of your grace period." Oh, thank you so much--I'll be overseas!

Loan colsolidation was not my best option. I am deferring for about the next 6-7 years, and in that time, if I put 100 dollars in an account every month and then lay it down all at once, it will far outweigh the benefits of consolidation now, where I could only pay the minimum monthly payment. I had like four spreadsheets flyfisher helped me with to figure that one out--there is also some room for error built into it. All of my loans are subsidized, so there is no accumulating interest in the deferral period.

 

[pinkflamingo]

this happened to one of my best friends. he had a credit card in college (like freshman/sophmore year) and his mom never paid the bills although she said she would and the bill went to her. It was for books and food, nothing huge, no more than a thousand dollars, maybe.
she signed him up for it with his SS#, and defaulted and he never knew about it until many years later. Now, at age 29, he still cant get a good rate, will have a difficult time getting a mortgage, etc.

when he found out about this maybe 7 years ago, he promptly paid off the debt, but his credit score is ruined. Like you, he wasn't going to go after his mom legally, but it has put a big strain on their relationship. she had money to pay it, paid his brother's bills, paid her own bills, but just ignored the statements in the mail- only paid a little once in a while! crazy!!!!
What a mess. I would suggest you get those bills put into your name, and maybe get your mom some credit counseling. Is she single? ETA: is there someone else in your family you can talk about this with?

 

[VegasAngel]

sell the shirt on ebay & see a lawyer. I didnt see that she took them out in your name for school. Gee, thanks for the help?

 

[movie zombie]

please see a lawyer and be honest and direct that you don''t know what to say. just lay it out. by protecting your mother, you are enabling her to continue with her behavior. it takes two to tango and you''re dancing. it could be years before the consequences catch up to you both but it will happen. at that point, you will have no one to blame but yourself for continuing this dance.

movie zombie

 

[rainbowtrout]

Trust me MZ, I already blame myself quite enough...you''re right that it''s my responsibilty as well. I''m also sure that she won''t change, and I''m also sure that I''m not going to be able to leave her out to dry with no income. So to the extent that I have to "dance" to keep her from losing a place to live, etc, I will.

I think I may 1) pay for my full credit report (just been doing the free ones) 2)check into changing my SSN and then ask my friends in law school to check into the debt issue for me. I can''t afford to pay a lawyer 200 dollars an hour right now. I have a family friend who is a notary, maybe I could ask him?

 

[laine]

I believe you can put some sort of block on your credit report, so that no accounts may be opened without contacting you first. That would protect you from further "fraud". You could also specify to them that a family member is the one who has been opening accounts and taking out loans in your name, so that they will be sure to confirm with you and not with your mother. This would probably be more simple that trying to change your SSN, which just sounds like a huge hassle.

As for you being responsible for her debt, I often get info about life insurance type things so that my family isn''t responsible for my credit card debt if I die. I assume that means my family inherits my debt as well as my assets (not that there is much of either). I would look into this part as soon as possible, and see what you can do to protect yourself from her debt. At my university, we have a lawyer we can go to for free advice, you may want to see if your school as something similar, at least they could direct you in the right direction.

 

[rainbowtrout]

that sounds like a good idea, thank you. I won''t actually be at NYU for a year, and I''m having all my mail sent to flyfisher after September, so that should help with that part. When I get there I will absolutely see if they have a lawyer I can ask.

 

[movie zombie]

you don''t have to leave her out on a limb w/o income but you do want to make sure you take on debt you are willing to take on and not that which you inherit and/or are entered into because of fraud.

free attorney services are not easily found but they are there for consultation purposes.....legal counsel available to college students is a great place to start. and the idea of having a block put on your credit as suggested above re new accounts being opened is a good idea. however, your mother has proven to be good at impersonating you.......

when she dies, her ''estate'' will include her debts. i don''t think you can be forced to pay those. however, if those debts are in your name, you will be stuck with them.

my unasked for opinion: it would be best to have this taken care of before you go overseas....once you''re there you will have no way of knowing what is happening in your name until you return and that could be a very very unpleasant homecoming.

this was an issue for me with my husband before he and i got married. had he continued in his dance with his mother and stepfather, i would not have married him and exposed myself to that kind of financial and emotional risk.

movie zombie

 

[mia15]

I''m sorry, Rainbowtrout, what a horrible situation.

I''m not a lawyer, but having dealt with a divorce and being a fan of reading fine print, you can''t be held liable for her debts as is. It is part of her estate, so it will have to settled with proceeds from it. Your finances are separate, even as executor.

The second situation with her using your SS is a big deal! Having been in a similar situation, I agree you''re not going to sue her, but yes, there is a block you can put on for approving new credit.
I would look for patterns. Is this behavior escalating? Is it unpredictable? It may not be a bad idea to change your social security number, though I imagine it might be a pain.

What concerns me most is how much debt you might have that you don''t know about. I''m afraid you''re going to have to take up credit monitoring as a serious hobby. You''re entitled to a free credit report every year from all three bureaus by law.

(I think I would go to her and tell her you''re concerned about these weird charges showing up on your credit and ask for her to "help" pay for one of those credit monitoring services!)

Good luck! And I guess, make sure your mail forwarding, etc., is constantly updated so if there are more debt collectors they can get hold of you, since you are going to be responsible for anything in your name.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Heh, I do credit monitor as a semi-serious hobby, actually. I LOVE those free reports, baby. A friend of mine had her identity stolen in college, yeow. Nothing so far has shown up on it that I was not aware of since I started monitoring two ys ago.

The pattern here is pretty consistant and stable: she's *never* taken out anything that wasn't directly for me (i.e. bought herself things with credit or loans in my name). But she does have a tendancy to try to "help," not stay on top of it, and then wind up with not being able to pay things she took out for me and didn't tell me about. It's pretty directly tied to my education thus far. What she doesn't understand is *why* I would object to not being told about loans in my name for school since they had to be taken out regardless *rolleyes.* She also has a very cavalier attitude towards pretending to be me on the phone if I am at school or something and she needed information for the FASFA or some such.

My part in that is that when I was at school at busy, I leaned on her a lot and should have realized she cannot be trusted to do that stuff (FASFA) and be responsible with it after a point. Basically it was a pain for me to do it and I was lazy.

Emeraldlover, you are totally right about the address forwarding. That is actually on my list for Monday. It's not just for this situation, I move around so much (and so does the rest of my family) that it is hard to keep everything in one place. I already have all my bill payments online so none of that info gets sent out.