Hi

[kenny]

Coming up for air.

Hope y'alls are doing well.
I hope to get back to posting daily.
I've missed you all a great deal.

My lifelong best friend (not my SO) has died of cancer.
It has totally knocked me off my feet.

Shit!
Death sucks.
Death is the worst!

We get used to living.
Taking living for granted seems automatic, stupid but automatic.
Though it's not rational, absurd even, somehow we unconsciously function as though living is just permanent.

I totally get why so many religions invent the myth, the ultimate comfort, eternal life.
If only ...

 

[arkieb1]

I'm so sorry Kenny. We have all been wondering how you are.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Biggest hugs Kenny, always. Welcome back.

 

[Matata]

Gentle hugs Kenny.

 

[Calliecake]

I'm sorry Kenny. I remember you telling us about her a while back. You have been missed here. Hugs

 

[freezing_in_MO]

I'm very sorry. I lost my father to cancer. It was a kick to the gut. I hope your pain abates with time.

What you have written about taking life for granted is so true, and so profound.

 

[TooPatient]

I'm sorry, Kenny.

 

[rainwood]

I'm sorry, Kenny, for the loss of your BFF. With all you are going through, this must seem like such a cruel blow.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Sorry to hear of your loss Kenny, but happy to see you posting again. Have missed you on this forum!

 

[kenny]

I just miss her, I'll call her Jane, so much.
In high school we sang and played guitars.

Her 93 year old grieving mom asked me to convert 45 year old cassette tapes of Jane and I to mp3 files.
Jane's mom knew about the tapes because they were recorded at her house.

To do this I bought a cassette player deck.
When I first heard my friend's voice I broke down.
I had not heard these tapes for 45 years.

Somehow, for some reason, time, life, and death all kicked me in the chest when I first heard Jane's voice on the tape.

Do any of you have recordings of a deceased love ones?
How do you feel when you watch/listen to them?

 

[Hayley87]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Kenny.

Do any of you have recordings of a deceased love ones?
How do you feel when you watch/listen to them?

I mentioned on another thread recently that I have a tape my dad recorded of himself right after his terminal diagnosis, singing the lullaby he'd sing to me every night from when I was a baby all the way through my early teen years. It's a very short tape (he only sang the lullaby once) although I'll admit to having listened to the entire thing's white noise afterwards, hoping he'd left another message (he didn't). In any case, it's one of my most prized possessions, but I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to it in probably 10 years. It's jarring and painful, and now that it's been nearly 13 years since I last heard his voice, I fear feeling surprised by how it sounds.

For all that, I'm glad I have it. As painful as it is to hear "Jane"'s voice now, I sincerely hope the memories brought about by hearing your young voices together become more bittersweet than painful.

Wishing you comfort, Kenny.

 

[Matata]

How do you feel when you watch/listen to them?

During the first 2 years, sad as heck. I'm a delayed griever, usually starting the process a good 12 months after the person dies. As time goes on, it gets kinda weird in my head -- there's a mix of bittersweet happy and the surreal feeling watching/hearing someone who is no longer here but used to be, is now gone but I can see/hear that person on vids and I go kinda sci fi on myself. I don't know how to explain the odd feeling I get watching someone live who is dead.

 

[monarch64]

Hey Kenny. I've never met you, but I feel like I know you since I've read about your life and interacted with you here for so long. I am so sad to hear the news of your best friend's passing. I remember you talking about her and I know she meant a lot to you. I had tears running down my face reading through this thread, knowing you are grieving her loss. Life just isn't fair, and as another atheist, yes, I wish I believed in something that would give me comfort during times like this.

My mother used to record loved ones reading or telling stories. I don't have current access to her tapes but I've heard or been present for a few. My grandfather (her dad) telling a story in Norwegian shortly before he passed from lung cancer. Myself reading some storybook when I was 4 or 5--I pronounced "trees" and "children" like "shrees " and "shildren." That used to embarrass me. To hear my grandfather's voice again would make me very emotional, I'm sure.

What a precious gift you have to have recordings of your friend. And how grateful her family must be. Well done. Take care, Kenny, and I hope that your heart doesn't hurt so much forever. Hugs.

 

[BlingDreams]

Do any of you have recordings of a deceased love ones? How do you feel when you watch/listen to them?

Kenny, let me first say how truly sorry I am for your loss. It's obvious how deeply you loved "Jane", and I'm sure she felt the same way for you.

As for your question, I lost my mother almost five years ago (also to cancer). Before she died, she wrote cards and recorded messages for each of us kids and each of the grandkids (for the grandkids, it also included reading their favorite books to them, one last time). It took me over two years before I could listen to mine; it was just too painful to contemplate before then. You can probably guess this but the first time I finally listened to her message I cried like a baby for hours. It was sooooo good to hear her voice, and yet it left me feeling more empty than before. Truthfully, even looking at her handwriting sometimes still brings me to tears.

In the past five years I've listened to my recording maybe 5 times. I am beyond grateful that I have it, but know the turmoil of loss that I'll feel every time I play it. I'm hoping that one day I'll find comfort in hearing her voice, but I'm still not there yet.

Again, my deepest sympathies. You've certainly had a lot to deal with this year

 

[lovedogs]

I'm so sorry, Kenny. We've all missed you, and I hope you heal quickly from this sad loss Hugs and best wishes to you!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Kenny
Sorry to hear the new.. Big HUGS my Octavia brother.

 

[AprilBaby]

(((Hugs)))

 

[PintoBean]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Queenie60]

My deepest condolences. Take care Dear Kenny

 

[azstonie]

Peace to you, Kenny, I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[diamondringlover]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Karl_K]

I am so sorry Kenny
It is good to hear from you even if it was sad news and look forward to you being back.

 

[BlingObsession]

Kenny

Sincerely sorry for your loss. My mother died nearly 25 years ago - one month before my first (and only) child was born.

With the passage of time, my grief is no longer that searing agony but a softer (for want of a better word) sense of sadness and loss for what she missed in my daughter and what my daughter missed in her.

I still can't bring myself to listen or watch any tapes of her. I don't know when or if I will ever be able to. Maybe one day ....

 

[MissGotRocks]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Life can seem so unfair at times. I too remember you posting about her illness.

I have a tape of my mother singing Happy Birthday to me on an answering machine tape. It has been seven years and I can't yet listen to it but just knowing I have it brings me comfort somehow.

Take care and welcome back!

 

[Ally T]

Hugs & love, Kenny. Death is utterly shit. I lost one of my oldest friends in July, my brother from another mother, and it was crushing. He is on many of my videos & at this stage, I can't bare to watch them. It's too raw. I can't even look at a photo of his beautiful face without tears building up again. His death was pointless & is still unexplained & has gone to Inquest.

Take your time. Grief is not a race & you don't have to be 'ok" any time soon, or indeed, any time at all xxx

 

[soxfan]

So sorry Kenny

 

[OreoRosies86]

Kenny I'm just so sorry.

 

[december-fire]

Oh, Kenny, I'm so sorry to hear about your dear friend. That's heartbreaking.

The two of you had a very special bond.
The physical pain we feel at the loss of someone we love is hard to endure or explain.
Its always rough. But for you to lose your wonderful friend while having to cope with so much already in your life, well, I have no words.

You have my love and support.
Do what you need to do; tell us about her, tell us how you're doing, come here for a distraction from everything going on in your life.
Whatever you want to discuss or not discuss, your needs will be respected.

Sending caring thoughts and gentle hugs.

 

[december-fire]

Hugs & love, Kenny. Death is utterly shit. I lost one of my oldest friends in July, my brother from another mother, and it was crushing. He is on many of my videos & at this stage, I can't bare to watch them. It's too raw. I can't even look at a photo of his beautiful face without tears building up again. His death was pointless & is still unexplained & has gone to Inquest.

Take your time. Grief is not a race & you don't have to be 'ok" any time soon, or indeed, any time at all xxx

Oh, Alex. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Not knowing the 'why' must be a nightmare.
Sending hugs.

 

[kathley]

My deepest condolences!