HE''s waiting on ME for the go ahead...

[partyjewels]

Well... in a manner of speaking anyways....

I don''t think I ever posted about it, but it came up again in a conversation and I needed to let someone know, and I can''t talk to my friends about these things, they get all weird about it...

A couple of weeks ago or so, my guy had told me that the only thing holding him back from asking me "THE question" is me not knowing what I want to do with my life.

I have a job, but I wouldn''t call it a career, and I''m back in school, taking it slow, doing one class at a time, but I have no idea what I''m going to school for (thus the one class at a time, I''m only taking classes that I''ll need to take no matter what I major in), and I''m having such a hard time figuring it out!! He doesn''t want us to get engaged and then have me be even more unfocused on figuring out what I want to do with my life (aside from being with him that is

), because he knows I already look at wedding stuff now and it really annoys him because of how much it distracts me when I should be working on homework or looking up different job fields (hmmm... I should probably be doing at least one of those right now!), and we both know I''d be just awful about it if we were actually engaged and planning a wedding!!!! So I really need to step it up a notch and figure out what I''d like to do after school and then get the necessary degree/s or training or whatever for it.

He''s not saying he''s going to wait until I''m FINISHED with school or whatever I need to do to obtain the career that I want, just that he wants to wait until I have at least established what it is that I want and have taken steps in getting there (I.E. picking a major for school and signing up for the appropriate classes, etc. etc.).

I could stand to wait a few years or however long it''ll take me to finish schooling if I needed to(though of course I don''t want to!), but he''ll be 28 this year and I think he''s got a bit of the engagement itch himself, a lot of his friends,(and even family it seems) have been getting engaged, married, and starting to have kids lately, and most of them are a 2 or 3 years younger than him. It''s possible thats not at all having anything to do with his little fever, but I do know that he''s got it!

After he told me what the hold up was, we talked about it and I mentioned that while I would love to have that right now, there are some other things we need to work on in our relationship before we take that step (nothing drastic, just little things that need some tweaking to make life a little happier), he fully agreed and said that we should just take some time to work on making our relationship even more solid, and that he guesses he "was just feeling impatient about it."

Yes thats right, he''s feeling impatient!!!!! I about strangled him!

I know that we''re doing the right thing by waiting until I know what I want to do about school and a career and everything, and while I felt/feel bad that it''s really me thats holding things up, it was really nice to know that he''s feeling the same way (at least more or less

) about wanting to get engaged and married.

There''s only one job that I''ve really looked into so far because it seemed like something I would really be good at and would like, and it pays pretty well if you can find the right company.... but the more I thought about it, the less appealing it sounded to me for various reasons. So now I''m back at square one.

Not a clue with what I want to do with myself, and no engagement in sight because of it

Sorry for the long post ladies, I just needed to tell SOMEONE all of that! And like I said, my friends get all weird, I don''t feel comfortable telling my family members about the actual conversations we have about it, just the joking ones Because when they find out I''m engaged I want them to be happy and just as excited as I am, instead of "well you''ve been talking about it for months, DUH". SO if anyone actually got through all of that, sorry for the torture that is my rambling

 

[musey]

Is he waiting to propose until you decide where you're going in life because he wants to motivate you? Or because he wants to make sure your plans are compatible with his plans?

Either way, I've got news for him: jobs, career paths, life plans... those all morph and change from where you first thought you were going, and likely will continue to do so throughout your working life. If he's waiting on you to have a dependable career path laid out, where does that land you 5 years down the line if and when you decide to change or simply tweak that plan? Does that mean he no longer thinks you're compatible with him, if your new "path" is different from what he signed up for?

One of the amazing things about "young" love is committing to each other with no (significant) money in the bank, no guarantees of the future--you're just in it because you love each other, regardless of whatever career changes and hurdles lie ahead. Maybe that's just my doe-eyed engagement-glowy interpretation, though.

Maybe I'm reading WAAAAAY too much into your post, because I'm a little groggy on cough med. right now (haha) so if that's the case, just tell me!

 

[bee*]

I can kind of see things from his point of view too. For me, someone who knows where they''re going, someone with ambition to do what they want, is very attractive and if my bf is kind of floating around, not knowing where he is going or what he wants to do, I dont think that I would get engaged to him, until he knows what he wants to do. Its just that would be one of my things thats very important to me. I dont mean to say that you''re floating around or anything, but it just might be how he sees it. I think that its a good idea from his point of view that you try and get work things sorted etc, before you get engaged, because it will affect him in the future. How old are you by the way, is there a big age gap between the two of you? If there is, he''ll have to understand that you are at a different stage in your life to him and that it will take you another bit of time to get there.

I met my bf at 17 and the two of us were both determined in what we were going to do when we graduated and I found it a very attractive quality in him that he had that ambition. But I can also see things from your point of view, in that you''re obviously going out with him a fair while, if you are talking about engagements. Has he always mentioned this to you or is it just something that he sprung on you when you were discussing it the other day.

It also might be worth seeing a careers advisor in school. They might have some suggestions on a future career that might appeal to you, which will make your future FI happy and hopefully that ring might get to you sooner!

 

[anchor31]

I have to say I agree with musey.

My FI has been working for two years now and by the time we get married he''ll be ready to have kids!

Me, on the other hand... If I can fit enough credits into my schedule next year I''ll be graduating three months before the wedding, but do I have a definite plan to what''s next career-wise? Nope. I might have one or two classes left to take, I might do a teaching certificate part-time, if I''m lucky I''ll find a job... I frankly don''t know. But we''re not putting our lives on hold because of it. We''ve known each other since I was in junior college and I changed my mind about career paths once or twice since, but one of the most amazing things in our relationship is how supportive of each other we''ve been through our last years of school and new beginnings...

I think you should talk to him. Tell him that him keeping the relationship for progressing is frustrating you, that it''s not because you''re uncertain about your career path that the other aspects of your life should be put on hold. Get more into the reasons why he wants to wait until a certain point, you might understand each other more.

Meanwhile, I second the suggestion to talk to an advisor in school. Good luck!

 

[MustangFan]

From 14 to 24, in ten years, I have gone from wanting to be an artist, to wanting to be a veterinary technician, to wanting to be a biology major to wanting to be now a teacher!

I ended up getting my degree in Management with a minor in elementary education and psychology.
I will finally finish up my degree before the end of the year!!!

As long as you have drive and determination to get your degree in at least something, I don''t see why this is a hold up on his proposal.
It is normal to not know what you want to do and keep changing you mind about things, this is what college is all about, exploring new horizons!
Maybe just taking things a bit more seriously will do the trick (picking up a summer class here and there to speed things up), but the most important thing is that he has to believe in you and trust you that you WILL accomplishing something. Maybe he''s really hesitant because he needs part of your income to setup a life together and doesn''t want to admit that. My boyfriend would not move ahead into moving in together for that reason. He didn''t feel it was right for me to live here without having to take on the responisbility of paying for my car insurance, food etc.

You are already taking responsibility by doing the classes that are required, I''ve seen a lot of immature people just taking easy classes to pass the time by and not really reaching for anything! I don''t feel that you should be pressured into choosing something, I think just by taking what''s required you will eventually develop a natural flowing interest for something.

Hope this helps!

 

[dmbfan]

Guys,

He has a good point and you have to respect him. He is not asking her to make up her mind or else. He wants to have her figure out some things and work towards them. Obvioulsy is not that he doesn''t want to get married. I think you guys are smart to have that conversation now, very mature. Your relationship will have one less thing to worry about. From what I can tell he would be very supportive with whatever you choose and will help you along the way. Weather you are bf/gf, engaged or married that conversation needed to happen and you guys were able to do it.

PJ- you guys obvioulsy talk and discuss issues that may be very touchy to others. You have some small thing you want to work on your relationship and you guys know what they are. I bet you anything that was the best conversation you guys needed to have to move to the next step. Go with it and work together on them. You guys have some great tools already.

congrats on your relationship

 

[FacetFire]

I wish it were that easy to figure out what you want out of life...but it''s just not. He is right, though...it would only distract you more. But, at the same time, I think you need to just come to a decision at some point. It''s not about finding THE thing that you want to do with your life. It''s abut picking something that you think you are interested in and would like to pursue. It will change. I know only one person of my friends from undergrad that stuck with the major and area that she picked at that time.

I was a geology major. I still love geology, but I figured out during my junior year that it wasn''t what I could picture myself doing for years. So, I added an environmental policy major. That stuff still interests me too...but I didn''t feel like it quite fit. So, I went to law school. Figured out during my first year that I didn''t want to be a lawyer, but got the degree anyway (hey, couldn''t hurt, right?). When I got out, I looked for jobs in policy, non-profits, and doing other things that I felt were at least slightly related to my background. Now, I am doing attorney recruiting.

When I type this all out, it seems like I am completely lost too...which is okay. I don''t think most people really figure out what they want to do until they try something. I''m going to give this a chance, and if I don''t like it, I''ll do something else. I know that it feels like you are at the point where you make THE decision, but that''s just not the case. It took me a hard time to get over the idea that I needed to pick the RIGHT career path. I was terrified to choose something, lest it be the wrong choice. But I am learning that the only wrong choice is not to make one.

What are you interested in? It''s okay to be intersted in a lot of things. I loved a lot of my classes. I choose geology because it really interested me, I did well in my classes, and it was a small department where I wouldn''t be a number and could really get involved. That''s it...I certainly didn''t know for sure what I wanted to do with my life. Just remember that it''s okay. Once you get over that hump and make a decision, and change it a couple times along your course, you''ll realize that it''s no big deal and that you CAN change and things will still work out for the best. Sorry for rambling here, this is just a subject close to my heart beacuse of how much I have struggled in finding my career path. So, *hugs*. I hope everything works out soon!

 

[galeteia]

I thought you were the girl whose boyfriend wanted her to lose weight before he proposed, but apparently that was someone else with a cherry tree in their avatar.

But while reading your old posts, I came across your first thread, where you talked about your age difference.

I am assuming that you are at most 22, since he is a year older than the age you first mentioned.

He''ll propose when you figure out your career? At 22? News flash to your man: not everyone finds what they want to spend their life doing right away. Some people never do. If you have a decent job that puts food on the table, a roof over your head, and a nestegg in your bank, you''re doing a lot better than some people are.

And some people don''t go to university. I know plenty of people who were more than bright enough to go to school, but didn''t feel the call. If you are going be forking out enough money to buy half a house on school costs (tuition, living expenses, etc) then you had better be sure that you firmly want to do whatever you are going to school for.

It sounds to me like he wants you to be in the same point in your life that he is. Well, I can tell you that where I am at 26 is one hell of a different place that I was at your age. People grow exponentially during ''the university years''. He''s pushing 30; you''re barely into your 20''s. I''m not saying that the age gap is huge, and therefore you shouldn''t be together, but he needs to acknowledge that while he''s already hit the ''settle down and have babies'' stage, you''re still figuring yourself out and what you want to do with your life. You know you want to spend it with him. He should be happy with that.

I agree with Musey. Whatever happened to "I love you as you are"?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/14/2007 2:39:19 PM
Author: Galateia
I thought you were the girl whose boyfriend wanted her to lose weight before he proposed, but apparently that was someone else with a cherry tree in their avatar.

But while reading your old posts, I came across your first thread, where you talked about your age difference.

I am assuming that you are at most 22, since he is a year older than the age you first mentioned.

He''ll propose when you figure out your career? At 22? News flash to your man: not everyone finds what they want to spend their life doing right away. Some people never do. If you have a decent job that puts food on the table, a roof over your head, and a nestegg in your bank, you''re doing a lot better than some people are.

And some people don''t go to university. I know plenty of people who were more than bright enough to go to school, but didn''t feel the call. If you are going be forking out enough money to buy half a house on school costs (tuition, living expenses, etc) then you had better be sure that you firmly want to do whatever you are going to school for.

It sounds to me like he wants you to be in the same point in your life that he is. Well, I can tell you that where I am at 26 is one hell of a different place that I was at your age. People grow exponentially during ''the university years''. He''s pushing 30; you''re barely into your 20''s. I''m not saying that the age gap is huge, and therefore you shouldn''t be together, but he needs to acknowledge that while he''s already hit the ''settle down and have babies'' stage, you''re still figuring yourself out and what you want to do with your life. You know you want to spend it with him. He should be happy with that.

I agree with Musey. Whatever happened to ''I love you as you are''?

Very well put, Galateia!

 

[KimberlyH]

There is a nine year difference between my husband and me, he is 38, I am 29. When we met I was 26 and about 3 years out of college. I was clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life, working at a job I enjoyed, but that wasn''t very intellectually stimulating and basically just paid the bills. He was/is a successful business owner. I returned to college to earm a master''s in education and teaching credential two months before we were married, thanks to his encouragement. Before making this decision I tossed around so many ideas about what I wanted to be it could make your head spin, I even took a Chem class to see if I wanted to be a nurse, all while we were engaged. Point being, he supports me in all of my ventures, and didn''t place conditions on our getting married that revolved around my "finding a career" (just to clarify, he didn''t put any conditions on our getting engaged or married). I could work menial jobs for the rest of my life and as long as I was satisfied he would be fine with that. But he knew I wouldn''t be so he encouraged me to explore and find a new path.

Why does it bother him so that you haven''t found your calling? Some people have many! And most never find theirs. If he fears that you are going to want to do nothing than his rationale is reasonable. But if he wants you to have a career path mapped out prior to saying "I do" just for the sake of having a set plan, well it just doesn''t make much sense.

 

[partyjewels]

Well I don't have time right now to reply with very much, just taking a little break at work and was surprised to see that people actually got through my rambling post! You all made good points and I do have some things to write about in reply to some of the questions that were asked, but that'll take me a while so it'll have to wait till after work, and I might wait until after I get a chance to talk to him later today.

At first I thought I knew exactly what he meant, and what he was waiting for, and while I still feel I know more or less, it never hurts to get a more thorough explanation!

Especially because some of you raised some good points that I'd like to go over with him. I didn't think that he meant he wanted me to actually map out exactly what I'm going to do with my life and expect me to follow it to a T without changing, but perhaps what he has in mind is a lot different that how it came across to me when we had our chat, and while I know it isn't the case that I listed above, perhaps his view on it is a little more in the middle of what I'm thinking and that extreme. Sometimes when he and I are talking, we both leave the conversation happy, thinking we've come to a solution we can both agree on, only to later realize that we both left with different interpretations of what the other one said. So I will definitely sit down and ask him to try and explain a little better just to double check on making sure what we're thinking is the same thing when it comes to this!

One last thing for now, I do think part of it is like KimberlyH said, perhaps he's afraid that I'll end up wanting to do nothing. It's not like he's got unrealistic view of things in his head, like me becoming a doctor or lawyer or something like that before we get engaged! He just wants me to at least work towards finding something that makes me happy and makes me feel like I'm not wasting my life away, and he knows that I'm not entirely happy right now in my life, I complain all the time about my job

and I DO want to get out there and try something new, but I'm afraid to, and I guess I do need that little push to help me get past it. While some might see it as him putting my/our lives on hold while I figure out what I want to do, I see it as ME holding up our lives because I'm too scared to do what I need/want to do and get on with it! (well ok, when I've got that little voice inside of me saying NOW NOW NOW! I see it as HIM holding up our life together

) So maybe this is the push I need to really get out there and stop procrastinating and hiding from the world.

Well that was a lot longer than I thought! So you see why I can't put in everything I want to say right now, it would take tooooo long!!!

So I will update later after him and I get a chance to talk, and then I can answer some of the questions some of you had.

In the meantime though thanks you guys for all your thoughts on it, it's really nice to hear what an objective person has to say about it, though of course since I'm writing it it's probably a little biased from the start

 

[KimberlyH]

pj,

If this is about him wanting you to strive for more for yourself, so that you are gratified, than I admire him for it. It''s easy to get caught up in being a wife, a mom (I know you''re not one yet, but it sounds like that would be part of the immediate plan after saying "I do") and lose yourself, your identity in being those things. If his goal is for you to find/create your career identity, even if it doesn''t stick, so that you are satisfied and don''t get so caught up in being a family, however that ends up being defined, that you forget who you are and what matters to you then I admire him for making the choice to push you.

 

[dmbfan]

Date: 2/14/2007 6:08:56 PM
Author: KimberlyH
pj,

If this is about him wanting you to strive for more for yourself, so that you are gratified, than I admire him for it. It''s easy to get caught up in being a wife, a mom (I know you''re not one yet, but it sounds like that would be part of the immediate plan after saying ''I do'') and lose yourself, your identity in being those things. If his goal is for you to find/create your career identity, even if it doesn''t stick, so that you are satisfied and don''t get so caught up in being a family, however that ends up being defined, that you forget who you are and what matters to you then I admire him for making the choice to push you.

thats the way I saw it. I think they are on the right path and they should be just fine.

 

[musey]

Date: 2/14/2007 6:08:56 PM
Author: KimberlyH
If this is about him wanting you to strive for more for yourself, so that you are gratified, than I admire him for it.

I agree... again, if that''s his intention. Let us know how your clarifying discussion goes!

 

[partyjewels]

Well I didn''t end up getting to talk to him about it last night for various reasons and I decided that I''d just shoot him an e-mail about it this morning, sure it''s not always the best route to go, but I didn''t feel it would be a bad thing since we had already talked about it and I just wanted a reminder of exactly what it was he had in mind. Plus, with not being able to talk about it last night, I just couldn''t go through the entire work day not knowing.

So anywho, he''s already replied and it is what I thought!

He said he just wants me to find out what I like to do and work towards that. It doesn''t matter if it changes, he just wants me to get a feel for whats out there because I don''t really know yet. He wants me to be aware of all the different things that I can be, besides a mother and a wife because he said that''s a given

, but I''ll still need a job (we''ve already had talks previously about the stay at home wife/mother thing, and agreed it''s not for us), and the skills that will keep me there. He says it doesn''t really matter WHAT I''m doing, as long as I''m doing what I like to do, and until then, that I''m making the effort in finding out what that is and working towards it! He wants me to be happy in the long run and not feel like I never got a chance to try different things and explore my options because of him.

I''ll be 22 this summer, he won''t be 28 until fall, so once in a great while there is that gap that causes us to see things differently, but it''s never been a problem, we always work it out. We''ll only have been going out for 2 years this spring, and while I do know he''s definitely who I want to be with for always, and he feels the same way, and I don''t WANT to wait (and apparently he''s having a hard time waiting too!), I could if we felt we needed to, of course, but if I can get my butt into gear and work on finding out what will make me happy with life (besides him), it looks like I won''t need to wait that long

Sooooo..... who has ideas for me?

Really though, since that I''ve got that all cleared up, it won''t take me long to get out and there and find something that I''ll enjoy, I''ve just been putting it off because I''ve been scared, but with a proposal on the line you bet your butt I''ll get myself in gear!!! Now I''ll just have to work on him letting me have some input on that ring!

Thanks for all your replies guys, I''m feeling a lot better and excited about the whole thing now that I''ve asked him to clarify, and I never would''ve done it if I hadn''t posted here and started to see how many different ways it can be taken! That really pushed me to have him clarify it, because I''ve been mulling it over since we talked about it, and since I''d been thinking about it so long I had it set in my head already, and it''s always a good thing to know you''re on the same page as eachother.

You guys are all so awesome

 

[bee*]

I''d really recommend going to a careers advisor. When I wasnt sure if I was going to get veterinary, I went to visit one to see what other options are out there for me and I found it very helpful. They gave me ideas that I hadnt even thought of so it might be of help to you to see whats out there