Hen's Day / Mother of the Bride Help Please!

[hawaiianorangetree]

I am a bridesmaid for a friends wedding and I am currently in the process of organising her hens day. (Invites went out 2 days ago) I am doing most of the organising myself as one bridesmaid lives 6 hours away and the other can't really afford to lay down hundreds of $$ in deposits.

We are having a burlesque themed party at someones home with a high tea, champagne, games with prizes, a tea leaf reader (clairvoyant), and a pro burlesque dancer coming to teach us the art of tease. The event will run from about 3.30 in the afternoon till about 9 in the evening. If the bride is up for it we will probably go out for a late dinner as well.

The bride doesn't drink so i have tried really hard to create an event with lots to do rather than centre the day around alcohol to keep us all entertained because it wouldn't be very entertaining for the bride. Anyway, we decided (talked to the other bridesmaids and a few other people) to charge $50 per head for the day and have split the cost up to $30 for the high tea, games and tea leaf reader and $20 for the Burlesque workshop as we knew not everyone would be able to attend the whole thing (those with children, other commitments).

I ran all these details past a few different people to see if it was a justified amount and was i offering enough. Those that i asked thought that $50 was a fair price to pay. As it stands, I probably wont get enough back to cover all costs and will be left a little out of pocket.

Today I got a call from the brides mother asking me all sorts of questions about the invite. First she asked if it was a bit strange to be asking people to pay to come. I explained that it wasn't a shower where people brought a present along for the bride and that at hens parties the guests usually paid a fee to help cover the costs of the event and weren't required to bring a present.

She thought that $50 was too much and asked me to give her a run down on exactly what she would get for the money. I told her about the high tea (sweets, savouries and sandwiches), champagne, tea leaf reading, games, prizes and the burlesque workshop(plus other refreshments). She then asked how she could contribute to the day (like bring a bottle of wine for a prize) in order to cut her own cover fee down.

She then started to talk about how other people wont be able to afford the $50 (such as the brides neighbour) and that for those who couldn't afford to pay it perhaps that they could just come along anyway and not have to pay and how i could just cover their part.

I was pretty speechless at that point and had no idea what to say when she said 'do you think that would be ok?'. So i gasped, told her that my chips in the oven were burning (they were rather brown) and that i had to go and was sorry.

Not proud of how i got out of the conversation but i just had no idea what to say to her on the spot and i was worried i was going to say the wrong thing.

So.. help?! Any ideas on how to handle this one? I thought maybe i could send an email about how it wouldn't be fair to those that pay to have others attend and not pay? I had planned to cover the brides costs (naturally) but perhaps i should be covering her mothers as well, and if i cover her mother, should i be covering her step mother and mother in law also?

And just because I DIYed them, here is a pic of the invites.

 

[getting excited]

I don't have too much advice, but I wanted to say that you should not feel obligated to pay for her mother's, stepmother's, neighbors, or anyone else's part for that matter. It sounds like you have done a great job organizing a fun day for the bride and $50 seems more than reasonable to me. Has the bride attended these types of parties in the past? Maybe she could talk some sense into her mom. I think maybe her mom is not used to this type of event and is not used to the costs, but $50 is probably the least I have ever paid for a bachelorette party here in the states. I would also remind her mother that the day is split into a few parts so if the neighbor (or anyone else) cannot afford the $50, maybe she could go to just one of the events. The fact of the matter is that these evetns do cost money and I think it is fair for everyone to split the cost.

 

[sillyberry]

100% agreement with getting excited. I would call her if you think you can stick to your guns and not get drawn into a long debate, but if not, then email is fine.

But I also want to say that your invites look great!

 

[slg47]

maybe the objection was to having the cost directly on the invite?

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Thanks ladies!

The problem managed to solve itself today but not before I wrote myself a checklist of everything I was going to say to her on the phone to support my argument before I picked up the phone and dialed with butterflies in my tummy.

I told her that the other bridesmaid and I had spoken about it today and both agreed that neither of us could afford to fund other peoples attendance and before I could start listing my reasons she stopped me to say that it was ok because she brought the issue up with her daughter (the other bridesmaid) today about how she thought it was strange that we were asking people to pay and she just flat out told her that it was normal to pay for a hens in Australia now and that $50 was actually quite cheap compared to other hens that she had attended.

So the mum was fine with it, I didn't have to have an uncomfortable conversation with her and I only lost one nights sleep over it.
sillyberry and getting excited, thanks for giving me the courage to make the call in the first place, I could have been stuck here for days worrying about how it was going to turn out and it would have been all for nothing.

 

[Clairitek]

Thanks ladies!

The problem managed to solve itself today but not before I wrote myself a checklist of everything I was going to say to her on the phone to support my argument before I picked up the phone and dialed with butterflies in my tummy.

I told her that the other bridesmaid and I had spoken about it today and both agreed that neither of us could afford to fund other peoples attendance and before I could start listing my reasons she stopped me to say that it was ok because she brought the issue up with her daughter (the other bridesmaid) today about how she thought it was strange that we were asking people to pay and she just flat out told her that it was normal to pay for a hens in Australia now and that $50 was actually quite cheap compared to other hens that she had attended.

So the mum was fine with it, I didn't have to have an uncomfortable conversation with her and I only lost one nights sleep over it.
sillyberry and getting excited, thanks for giving me the courage to make the call in the first place, I could have been stuck here for days worrying about how it was going to turn out and it would have been all for nothing.

Glad that it worked out! You handled it really well, it seems. Its tough when people who are out-of-touch with what is considered acceptable when it comes to weddings (and bridal showers/hen's nights) guilt you about something that you did. I had something similar to this happen when I was planning a friend's shower. I was dealing with her aunt/mother of a bridesmaid (and said bridesmaid didn't know that $40 a head for the bridesmaids to help with the shower costs was CHEAP) and the stepmother of the bride getting on my back about my choices. We ended up having a shower that was like what the SMOB wanted, rather than what the bride wanted because I was too chicken to stand up to her.

Sounds like you've planned a really great day for your friend. I hope she loves it!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Thanks C-tek! Im sorry that you also had to deal with something similar when planning your friends shower. Dealing with other peoples family is just so foreign, especially with something that I didn't think would even be an issue. When I was asking a friend for advice we made a pact with each other to make sure that when our own daughters got married we would read up on what was the norm for these situations and that we would remind each other not to hassle out our daughters friends with outdated and old fashioned requests.