Help!

[bubbly1126]

We had originally set our date for June 26th of next year. After talking about it for a while, both FI and I decided we would like to just go and get married (elope, if you will) and go to Disney World in October. (This year.) I am absolutely okay with this plan. Actually, I am super excited. The only reservations I had about it was that I knew my parents would put up a stink about it. Which, yes, I think they are entitled to since they are my parents... but then again, it''s my day and FI and I do NOT want a big thing. And that''s exactly what is was turning into and why we decided to go with the October plan. So one day my parents say okay, that if this is what we want that they would be happy for us. So we think okay, we''re cleared to do it in October with just 2 witnesses. So October was our plan. THEN the next day I get an email from my Mom saying that they would really like to be able to witness it. Even if it were something very tiny, they would like to be there. Ugh, again, we''re back to square one.

We end up talking again about the whole thing at this point and decide fine, we''ll give everyone their way and wait until next June. THEN FI changes his mind and says no, he wants to do it in October. He then tries to come up with an idea where we can do it in October AND have our parents/grandparents/siblings there. Okay, totally cool with me. I would love to be able to please my parents and I''m sure they''d be happy with that plan. BUT then tonight, I ask FI if he''s sure this is how it''s going to be. He said yes, but in a hesitant way and now I am just SO frustrated. I am driving my family, not to mention MYSELF, crazy with this. WHY did this have to turn into such a big deal?!?! And why the heck can''t we STICK to one decision?

I have a feeling it''s b/c he''s trying (like me) to please everyone else that he''s lost sight of WHAT he TRULY wants. And I can totally see why with the way our families are... but geez. I feel like it''s all causing so much unnecessary tension.

Has anyone else ever gone back and forth (a million times?!?!) on what they were going to do?

I thank you SO MUCH if you made it through all that. I am just so annoyed and frustrated. IF it wasn''t going to totally disappoint my parents, I''d totally just go and do it, just me and him, like we want... but I just can''t get past the guilt! (Please tell me I''m my own person and have every right... pretty please?!?!

)

(I never mentioned his parents and what they wanted b/c we already have their blessing if we decide to go do it on our own.)

 

[D&T]

aww, So sorry for the frustration. My sister eloped, and then had a "wedding" a few months later, no one knew about them eloping except me and her MOH, not sure if this is an option for you two or not? my sis wedding was small but it was lovely and at least the family was there to witness (so to speak) even though their real wedding date was a few months prior. You can''t please everyone just focus on the two of you. Its your wedding, don''t let the thought of pleasing everyone get to you.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 8/24/2009 10:33:22 PM
Author: D&T
aww, So sorry for the frustration. My sister eloped, and then had a 'wedding' a few months later, no one knew about them eloping except me and her MOH, not sure if this is an option for you two or not? my sis wedding was small but it was lovely and at least the family was there to witness (so to speak) even though their real wedding date was a few months prior. You can't please everyone just focus on the two of you. Its your wedding, don't let the thought of pleasing everyone get to you.

Our latest plan did include our parents/siblings and grandparents... but I think he's hesitant on it b/c he feels (and I agree) that it will turn into something bigger... just like our last plan did. K and I are a pretty private couple. We want very simple and intimate. We don't want all eyes on us. We're not like that. You know? It's nothing against our families, AT ALL but it's just the way we feel and the way we want to do it.

It's so hard not to let their wants guilt me. REALLY hard. I have ALWAYS been the type to put others before myself.

 

[Winslet]

Could you elope with just your parents as witnesses? I''m sorry to see this is causing you so much frustration. I hope that things simmer down enough for you and your FI to see clearly what would be most meaningful to you both.

 

[katamari]

We are leaving on Friday for our something similar. We are calling it the "elopement plus parents" or EPP and sat both sets of parents down to let them know that this was a very private ceremony and that we did not want anyone except for immediate family members there. The compromise was that we would then have a later reception, which we were okay with. So, I think it is possible, but you have to be firm that you do NOT want anyone else there and make sure it is okay with the parents (especially if they are paying) and commit to that decision.

And, to answer your question, we did flip about a million times about what we wanted before we made this final decision.

 

[honey22]

Please do not make any more plans until you both sit down and really decide what you both want! It''s too much of an important event to do it the wrong way!!

Sorry, but I feel so strong about this. We are having a tiny destination wedding in November, just our parents, siblings and a few very close friends of ours. We are upsetting a lot of our extended family and other friends, and some are even p*ssed off at us, but in the end it''s OUR wedding day, and those who really love us will respect our decision.

If you want your parents there, then fine, just have your parents. Just stay strong and don''t let it grow.

Weddings don''t just get out of control - the bride and groom let them get out of control. It''s up to you to give a united front and be firm on what you want to do.

Good luck!

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 8/25/2009 3:05:29 AM
Author: honey22
Please do not make any more plans until you both sit down and really decide what you both want! It''s too much of an important event to do it the wrong way!!


Sorry, but I feel so strong about this. We are having a tiny destination wedding in November, just our parents, siblings and a few very close friends of ours. We are upsetting a lot of our extended family and other friends, and some are even p*ssed off at us, but in the end it''s OUR wedding day, and those who really love us will respect our decision.


If you want your parents there, then fine, just have your parents. Just stay strong and don''t let it grow.


Weddings don''t just get out of control - the bride and groom let them get out of control. It''s up to you to give a united front and be firm on what you want to do.


Good luck!

Ditto this. I think it''s reasonable for your very immediate family (parents, siblings and possibly grandparents) to want to witness your marriage, and you can still have an intimate, private wedding with just them there. That''s what both I and my sister are planning to do. Just make sure everyone knows that the numbers are FINAL and NO further guests will be allowed, and stick to it. Can you book a venue with a maximum number of 20 or 30 or whatever, which will mean it CAN''T get any bigger even if you want it to?

 

[bubbly1126]

Thank you all for your responses!

I know we should stand firm on what we want and that be the end of it. That''s a very hard thing for me to do since I always want to make others happy but it is OUR day. We should do it however we want to... We''re taking the rest of the week (or maybe even next week too!) to decide what it is that WE TRULY WANT.

A wedding ultimately only happens once, so I want to make sure we''ll be happy with our decision years down the road.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I think stepping back and having a break is a great way to get your true perspective about what you guys want for your wedding. It''s too easy to loose sight of what is important to the two of you when there are so many other factors to consider. Try and take a break, relax and kick back for a bit without having all the wedding stuff hanging over your head.. i think you will find what you truly want for your wedding will come to you guys when you are not constantly thinking about it all the time.

To answer your question... yes, we went back and forth several times about what we were going to do/ who we were going to include. i have about 7 different guest lists written up all of varying sizes (the guiltier i get, the bigger the list becomes, then i cull it when i think ''but it''s our wedding!'' and then it grows again) ha ha.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/25/2009 3:05:29 AM
Author: honey22
Please do not make any more plans until you both sit down and really decide what you both want! It''s too much of an important event to do it the wrong way!!

Sorry, but I feel so strong about this. We are having a tiny destination wedding in November, just our parents, siblings and a few very close friends of ours. We are upsetting a lot of our extended family and other friends, and some are even p*ssed off at us, but in the end it''s OUR wedding day, and those who really love us will respect our decision.

If you want your parents there, then fine, just have your parents. Just stay strong and don''t let it grow.

Weddings don''t just get out of control - the bride and groom let them get out of control. It''s up to you to give a united front and be firm on what you want to do.

Good luck!

Well said! My FI''s twin brother had a small wedding - 15 people and it was lovely. Yes, a few people were upset at being left out but they''re over it now. It was actually nice not to witness any drama about a big dress, big cake and trying to impress people instead of focusing on what marriage is supposed to be about.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Haha, you wouldn''t believe how back and forth FI and I were. We just couldn''t find the plan that truly felt right to us, so we took our time to find that. If it helps explain that at all - I was engaged on Sept 24 last year, and am just now sending in my contract for the venue and date... so, 11 months of nothing but trying to decide on a wedding plan.

It''s ok.

We ended up choosing something much like Katamari, except we''re staying in-state, and it''s only 4 1/2 months from now - January. My parents are still paying, but it is super-small. I''m going to call it a destination wedding to anyone that asks about it, because no one is invited except for my parents, my 4 grandparents, my little brother, and FI''s mom and stepdad. FI''s older sisters aren''t even invited, because he''s not that close to them. In the end, FI and I truly wanted something small and intimate, where there weren''t 200 eyes focused on us and our vows to each other. We''ve never even kissed in front of our family, let alone say these emotional and private things in front of 100 people we "know." But I wanted my parents and grandparents, who have all had such a huge part in raising me and making me who I am, to be there with us. If it weren''t for that, FI and I would be flying off to Canada by ourselves to elope and have an awesome skiing wedding-moon.

Our plan also involves an at-home reception a month or two after the wedding, probably down at the beach, where all our family and friends can come. That''ll be awesome too b/c it''ll be laid back, I can help set up and do the decorating, I don''t have to assign someone to stay behind and clean up for me, I don''t have to worry about being OCD about seating and guests and who''s there and who''s not because it''s mainly just a dinner/party. We''ll show pictures from the wedding so people don''t feel like they''re missing out, things like that.

In short, just don''t rush it. If it''s not a matter of October or nothing until June, then take your time to make a decision you both like and won''t regret later. Stick to what the TWO OF YOU want. Of course, I''m biased, but I think eloping to Disney in October with his and your parents there as witnesses sounds like a great plan.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 8/25/2009 4:17:25 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
Haha, you wouldn''t believe how back and forth FI and I were. We just couldn''t find the plan that truly felt right to us, so we took our time to find that. If it helps explain that at all - I was engaged on Sept 24 last year, and am just now sending in my contract for the venue and date... so, 11 months of nothing but trying to decide on a wedding plan.

It''s ok.


We ended up choosing something much like Katamari, except we''re staying in-state, and it''s only 4 1/2 months from now - January. My parents are still paying, but it is super-small. I''m going to call it a destination wedding to anyone that asks about it, because no one is invited except for my parents, my 4 grandparents, my little brother, and FI''s mom and stepdad. FI''s older sisters aren''t even invited, because he''s not that close to them. In the end, FI and I truly wanted something small and intimate, where there weren''t 200 eyes focused on us and our vows to each other. We''ve never even kissed in front of our family, let alone say these emotional and private things in front of 100 people we ''know.'' But I wanted my parents and grandparents, who have all had such a huge part in raising me and making me who I am, to be there with us. If it weren''t for that, FI and I would be flying off to Canada by ourselves to elope and have an awesome skiing wedding-moon.


Our plan also involves an at-home reception a month or two after the wedding, probably down at the beach, where all our family and friends can come. That''ll be awesome too b/c it''ll be laid back, I can help set up and do the decorating, I don''t have to assign someone to stay behind and clean up for me, I don''t have to worry about being OCD about seating and guests and who''s there and who''s not because it''s mainly just a dinner/party. We''ll show pictures from the wedding so people don''t feel like they''re missing out, things like that.


In short, just don''t rush it. If it''s not a matter of October or nothing until June, then take your time to make a decision you both like and won''t regret later. Stick to what the TWO OF YOU want. Of course, I''m biased, but I think eloping to Disney in October with his and your parents there as witnesses sounds like a great plan.

Thank you for taking the time to share all of that with me! It''s very nice to know that we are not the only ones to keep going back and forth with what we want. I can''t wait until we actually make a decision. But if we do decide to go with June, I am not doing any planning for a couple months. And that''s okay b/c it won''t be a big deal. Just simple and more of a party feel at the reception... casual as can be. But we''ll see what happens!!

Thanks again!!

 

[Clairitek]

I feel your pain, IHA. I think DH and I had no less than 4 plans for a wedding (huge New England clambake, smallish wedding in Napa, mid-sized wedding in Philly, and then our final choice- small wedding in Rhode Island) all of which were completely researched and priced out. I swear my mom stopped believing me when I told her that we had finally reached a plan. Only when we booked a church do I think she really believed us that we were getting married this past June! We felt like every time we got excited about a plan someone close to us had to voice their concerns and ruin our excitement.

You''ve gotten some good advice to sit and think on this for a little bit. You have time after all! Just weigh the pros and cons of your options and figure out what you''ll be happiest with down the road.

Good luck! The right choice will surface in time, promise!

 

[sap483]

Date: 8/25/2009 4:16:12 AM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 8/25/2009 3:05:29 AM
Author: honey22
Please do not make any more plans until you both sit down and really decide what you both want! It's too much of an important event to do it the wrong way!!


Sorry, but I feel so strong about this. We are having a tiny destination wedding in November, just our parents, siblings and a few very close friends of ours. We are upsetting a lot of our extended family and other friends, and some are even p*ssed off at us, but in the end it's OUR wedding day, and those who really love us will respect our decision.


If you want your parents there, then fine, just have your parents. Just stay strong and don't let it grow.


Weddings don't just get out of control - the bride and groom let them get out of control. It's up to you to give a united front and be firm on what you want to do.


Good luck!

Ditto this. I think it's reasonable for your very immediate family (parents, siblings and possibly grandparents) to want to witness your marriage, and you can still have an intimate, private wedding with just them there. That's what both I and my sister are planning to do. Just make sure everyone knows that the numbers are FINAL and NO further guests will be allowed, and stick to it. Can you book a venue with a maximum number of 20 or 30 or whatever, which will mean it CAN'T get any bigger even if you want it to?

I agree with this, I think you can still have a very private and intimate wedding with just your immediate family there. While I completely understand that it's your day, I would imagine that if your have a close relationship with your immediate family, they would be really hurt to not be there to witness such an important day in your life. From your post, I don't think you want that, and ultimately, I think that would take away from the hapiness of that day. So, I think it is a good compromise to allow just your parents, grandparents and sibilings to be there, and no one else.

ETA: I also went back and forth with my wedding plans, from a small destination wedding in the Dominican, in Bermuda, and on Hilton Head island, and ultimately to a larger wedding in the New England area. It took 6 painful months, and countless visits to venues. So don't worry, you're not alone!

 

[tyty333]

Date: 8/25/2009 8:11:28 AM
Author: inhisarms17
Thank you all for your responses!

I know we should stand firm on what we want and that be the end of it. That''s a very hard thing for me to do since I always want to make others happy but it is OUR day. We should do it however we want to... We''re taking the rest of the week (or maybe even next week too!) to decide what it is that WE TRULY WANT.

A wedding ultimately only happens once, so I want to make sure we''ll be happy with our decision years down the road.

Yes, You need to decide what You want then live with it for a while. After You have lived with it and decided thats
what You really want then tell your parents. Tell them that its what you have decided and if anyone tries to alter
your plans then you''ll go back to just you and SO eloping (by yourselves)! It sounds kind of nasty the way I said
it (you can probably find a nicer way to say it to your parents) but I think this is what you need to go with
and not be bullied/guilted into doing what others want you to do.