Help with difficult situation...

[Pandora II]

I'm in a bit of a quandry as to how I should handle a situation I've found myself in and would welcome any advice especially from those who have been in a similar one from either viewpoint.

One of DH's close friends told him a couple of months ago that they were expecting a baby (only DH didn't realise that the 2 heartbeats thing meant twins not one baby and one wife... ).

I straight away sent her a message to say congratulations and wasn't particularly suprised not to hear straight back as she often doesn't check FB for weeks.

Anyway, today I got a reply out of the blue to say that things have gone wrong, one of the babies has died and the other is very ill - they're mono/dia and have Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome.

I wrote back to say how sorry I was, then when I got home this evening DH was on the phone to his friend and passed him over to me.

Basically, she's 25 weeks and the first baby died at around 24 weeks. They're getting great care, but there is nothing that be done other than wait it out at the moment. Obviously they are in a terrible place, grieving for one, scared for the other and unable to do anything to help the situation.

Other than the doctors and their immediate family, we are the only people who know what is going on. (Anyone who knows me on FB, not that you would, but don't ever mention this for that reason).

I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing; of not being there for them if they want - or being there too much; of what to say or do if the worst happens and they lose the second baby; of how the first baby should be regarded if the second does make it... I really don't want to act in any way that will make them feel bad or upset them.

Eugh, I really struggle with empathy type stuff and tend to be a kind of facts and figures practical person...

 

[zoebartlett]

What a hard situation to be in. "Hard" doesn't even cover it, really, though. I'm so sorry for your friends, Pandora. The only thing I can suggest is to let your friends know that you and your husband are there for them, no matter what they need. I guess I might also take cues from them. Do they prefer to be alone? Do they prefer to keep busy and stay occupied so they can feel some sort of normalcy during this time (Did that even make sense?)?

Maybe make a few meals for them so it's one less thing for them to think about.

There is a chance that one of the babies will survive, correct? Babies do survive from 25 weeks on (not that it's easy, but it does happen).

Gosh, I wish I had other suggestions. I can only imagine what your friends must be going through, and I'll keep them in my thoughts.

 

[somethingshiny]

I had a friend who was pregnant with twins and lost one. Not sure if it had anything to do with TtoT. They actually thought they lost both babies so when they still saw the heartbeat of the one, they were obviously very happy. I know it was very difficult for them, there was some sort of a surgical removal although I don't know the details. The surviving baby made it and is a perfectly healthy little girl.

As far as what to say, I was just honest in saying, "I don't know what to say." I told her I was so sorry she'd lost a baby but at the same time I was so happy that the other was surviving. She told me she felt the same way. She felt like she wasn't grieving hard enough for the lost baby because she was trying to stay positive for the healthy baby. I can't imagine being in her shoes but I think it helped her to be able to talk to me without me saying that she was wrong in some way. She and her husband did end up divorcing when the baby was still young, it put a lot of stress on their marriage.

Lots of dust for the little baby to be a healthy term baby!

eta~ I forgot to say I saw lots of babies at 25 weeks in the NICU recently. Obviously it isn't ideal, but they were very well taken care of and some of them are very close to coming home now (it was about 10 weeks ago that Lily was in NICU).

 

[Dreamer_D]

Pandora, I believe Maise had such a situation with her twins, she lost her daughter and her son was born full term... perhaps you can ask her on FB? Or maybe she will see this and will have some advice for you. She has written about this topic on PS before, which is why I mention it here.

I think if it were my friend I would try to offer compassion and an ear to worry to and a shoulder to cry on, and that is about it. There really is not anything else I can even think of to say or do.

 

[KimberlyH]

I would start by offering your support at any time to both the husband and wife, then following up with contact at what would be normal intervals for your relationship with them to see how they're doing and if they need anything. I might send a habdwritten note, a simple "Thinking of you...", and perhaps drop by or mail them something they might enjoy (e.g. a certain type of cookies).

I'll keep them in my thoughts. And I'm sure you'll be a wonderful friend to them during this difficult time, Pandora.

 

[KimberlyH]

I would start by offering your support at any time to both the husband and wife, then following up with contact at what would be normal intervals for your relationship with them to see how they're doing and if they need anything. I might send a habdwritten note, a simple "Thinking of you...", and perhaps drop by or mail them something they might enjoy (e.g. a certain type of cookies).

I'll keep them in my thoughts. And I'm sure you'll be a wonderful friend to them during this difficult time, Pandora.

 

[monarch64]

I had a friend who was pregnant with twins and lost one. Not sure if it had anything to do with TtoT. They actually thought they lost both babies so when they still saw the heartbeat of the one, they were obviously very happy. I know it was very difficult for them, there was some sort of a surgical removal although I don't know the details. The surviving baby made it and is a perfectly healthy little girl.

As far as what to say, I was just honest in saying, "I don't know what to say." I told her I was so sorry she'd lost a baby but at the same time I was so happy that the other was surviving. She told me she felt the same way. She felt like she wasn't grieving hard enough for the lost baby because she was trying to stay positive for the healthy baby. I can't imagine being in her shoes but I think it helped her to be able to talk to me without me saying that she was wrong in some way. She and her husband did end up divorcing when the baby was still young, it put a lot of stress on their marriage.

Lots of dust for the little baby to be a healthy term baby!

eta~ I forgot to say I saw lots of babies at 25 weeks in the NICU recently. Obviously it isn't ideal, but they were very well taken care of and some of them are very close to coming home now (it was about 10 weeks ago that Lily was in NICU).

I had a very similar experience with a friend who was preg with twins and one died...in fact, the one who died stayed on top of her cervix for a number of weeks. All was fine in the end but there was a chance that she could've been on complete bedrest or worse. These things seem to work themselves out...and hers did, she gave birth recently to a beautiful baby boy.

such a tough situation. I hope that everything turns out alright for mama and daddy, and of course, for baby(ies). Best of luck to your friends!

 

[Porridge]

What an awful situation for your friends. I imagine it will be all they can think about. With that in mind, I would make sure you're there for whatever they need, be that offloading their worries or looking for a brief distraction. I know you never would, but I would not say anything like "look on the bright side" or "well thank god one survived" - in fact I may punch someone who said such things. Nor would I try to offer advice, because unless I'd been through the exact same thing how could I possibly understand what they're going through.

Just letting them know that you're there will seem like such a small thing, but it will mean an awful lot to them.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Pandora - I believe there are not many things you can say to bring comfort. They will need to find their own comfort in time and it may be a rocky road of emotions while they do. The most you can do is to be there to listen if they need to talk and I do feel it is okay to talk matter of factly and not with over the top emotion. They may even appreciate a conversation free of half a dozen I'm sorries. Insofar as doing - helping them with household things may be the best route. Maybe dropping a dish or two off for dinner so they can just heat and eat (if there is distance, maybe call a local resturant and have a meal delivered)?

I know that in comparison to something of this magnitude, my M/C is a minor blip on the screen of devastation but what meant the most to me were not the sorrowful comments from friends and family members nor the flowers and cards but those small acts of kindness like friends who offered to take some unwanted chore off my hands so I could focus my attention on whatever I needed/wanted to help myself begin to feel better. A prime example is my friend who walked our dog for us so that I could take long walks through the woods completely alone. Seems rather insignificant but that time alone - where I felt I could grieve without judgement - was the best support anyone could have offered at the time.

 

[Circe]

Oh, Pandora. I'm so very sorry to hear about your friends. You're a lovely person for wanting to do what's best for them, and for being thoughtful enough to get a broad view on it - people respond to these things so differently.

I think it's important to follow your friend's lead. Some people are talkers, and need to obsessively work things out: some like to be distracted from their grief, taken out of their own heads; I would imagine some others would like privacy, whole and entire. I don't have any experience with the last response, but I'd imagine someone rebuffing advances still wouldn't mind being looked in on, gently. When I had my miscarriage at 20 weeks, I was very much the first case, and my husband was the second. I wanted - hell, needed - to address what had happened so that I could move past it. My husband, on the other hand, didn't so much want to examine his emotions as to just let them heal, quietly, with the balm of distracting movies, video games, gossip, whatever. Our best friends just sort of quietly provided what they could.

Well, for the most part: I had one friend who changed the subject whenever I mentioned the miscarriage. Not subtly, either: sort of like, "I was reading an article about 2nd trimester loss, and -" "Did I tell you I got great coupons for cereal?" Needless to say, we're not friends anymore. One other friend sort of tried to pretend it never happened and sent me a flip invitation for drinks: when I told her the lack of condolences left me feeling a little hurt, she apologized and said that she just hadn't known what to say. Once I explained that saying something was what mattered, she turned into one of my most sensitive sounding boards - recommended a great memoir from a mother who'd suffered a stillbirth that really helped me to feel less alone (An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination). And a third friend, whom I've never been that close to - more a drinking buddy relationship - didn't suddenly turn into Dear Abby, but he did check in every week to invite me to things I wouldn't go to on a bet, or dropped in to drink wine while I unpacked. It all helped me feel less alone, and I think more fondly of him for it.

I very sincerely hope that all goes well with the surviving twin. They'll be in my thoughts.

 

[Pandora II]

Thank you all so much for your replies, they have been very helpful.

I talked to my OB friend to get an idea of the situation from a medical point of view - her take was for one baby to have died at such an early stage (normally 26 weeks is when it starts to develop so to have one die at 24 weeks the condition has been there from earlier than normal) the odds for the second are not good at all. There is also a fair possibility of cerebral palsy or other neurological damage if the second does make it.

I feel so, so terrible for them.

The father said that they are in hermit mode at the moment so I said to just contact us if they needed anything or even just to talk. Very few of our friends have children and I think it made him feel better when I said that many people who have never been pregnant don't realise how attached you can get to a 'person' that you have never even met and who may be little more than a tadpole like thing - when I started bleeding at 8 weeks with Daisy I was definitely emotionally involved despite her being about 3cm long. I think they feel a bit that their grieving won't be considered valid.

I think I will sit back and let them take the time they need - they know that we are thinking of them and that both DH and I are very much the kind of people that you can call at anytime without feeling awkward.

Taking food round for people is I think a very American thing and would be a bit odd here (plus my home-made biscuits are probably best avoided!).

One question I do have is what to do when they are born...

I would normally send a card and a gift, but what to do in two different scenarios:

1) Second baby survives - should I send the card and gift and include a separate note acknowledging the baby who died and offering condolences?

Do you congratulate them on the birth of their twins? After all the baby will always be a twin and they will always be parents to twins... or do I just congratulate on the one...

2) Second baby doesn't survive - should I send a card?

I try to think how I would want things... I'm like you Circe in that I'm someone who needs to talk things through, but I'm aware that other people prefer to retreat into a cave.

 

[Pandora II]

Just an update on my friends...

She was admitted to hospital earlier this week and the babies were born by c-section on Thursday, the surviving twin looked like she was doing well but developed complications on Thursday night and sadly died on Friday morning.

DH has spoken to his friend this evening and arranged that I will call his wife tomorrow. Not sure exactly what to say but hope the right words come (or more importantly the wrong words don't).

They sent a lovely email to all their friends and family telling us what had happened and asking for no flowers, but yes to letters, cards etc which was really helpful. They've given the girls beautiful names and will have some kind of memorial service in the future.

I'm so devastated for them.

 

[Porridge]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that Pandora. How awful for your friends, my heart goes out to them.

I'm sure you will know what to say tomorrow. Just calling and letting them know you're there for them will mean a lot.

 

[Sha]

Oh my! So sad to hear the latest developments.... How terrible. I don't even know what to say. What a sad, sad, situation. I feel so awful for them too.