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Help! What would you do in this situation?

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PearlDahhhling

Brilliant_Rock
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Apr 1, 2008
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Hey girls, long time no talk! I haven''t been posting much since I got married last June because things have just been crazy! DH and I just bought a house in March and that was a whole long process in itself, but we''re very excited and loving it! Hope all you ladies are doing well! I was stopping in because I need a little advice...

So since Wednesday afternoon, I have been house sitting for my boss and his wife while they''re out of town and I''ve also been watching their 15 year old son (driving him to and from school, making sure he doesn''t burn the house down, etc). They''re coming back on Sunday and up until last night, things were great. The son is a sweet kid, kinda shy and seems like the kind of kid who really wants to fit in, etc. He''s a freshman in high school this year and he was telling me about how a lot of the kids at his school smoke and drink, etc. I asked him what he thought of that and he said he thinks it''s really dumb and he doesn''t do it. I believed him because he told me this without me bringing it up or anything and he seemed sincere.

Last night he had some friends over and they said they were just going to hang out in the gameroom and spend the night. Well after a few hours I went to check on them and I walked upstairs and could smell marijuana. I walked into the game room and they had pot out on the counter and were rolling joints. I confronted them and took the pot and told them to give me anything else they had. One boy gave me some more of it and a pipe and lighter and they all insisted that was all they had... I thought about kicking them out, but by this time it was midnight and I could tell they were stoned. (I didn''t feel right kicking 14 & 15 year old kids out in the middle of the night, even though they live relatively close and could''ve walked home). I was straight with them and told them it was unacceptable, especially while I was in charge and that there was to be absolutely no more smoking in the house. I said they could stay for the night but were to leave first thing in the morning.

I spoke with the kid I''m watching privately and he said he wasn''t smoking. He didn''t really smell like it, his eyes weren''t red, and he seemed completely normal to me. I trust him, but am I a complete moron to trust a 15 year old boy? He also said that he didn''t know his friends had it, etc... Which I''m sure is a lie. I don''t know if I believe him or if he''s just a really convincing liar...?

So now my dilemma is, should I tell his parents? My boss? (Who happens to be a very scary ex-marine). I don''t think that the kid I''m watching was smoking, but obviously his friends were. I feel like if I were a parent, I would want to know what was going on. But while this was going on last night, I was on the phone with my co-worker who is also a very close friend of mine, and she felt like I shouldn''t tell the parents since we don''t think the kid in question was doing it. Should I tell them? Should I not tell them? I''m scared that if they don''t think I handled the situation they way they would''ve wanted me to, I could risk losing my job. But I want to do the right thing. I don''t want this kid smoking pot, obviously. Ugh. Help me! What would YOU do?
 
Of course you tell them! That''s why they have you there. That''s what their expectations were when they made the arrangements.
 
I don''t think I would say anything, for a few reasons:

The kid sounds nice, but it might turn into a "he said, she said" situation. The kid denies, parents are caught in the middle.

He wasn''t doing it; sometimes, your friends do dumb things, and as a 14 year old, its hard to get them to stop and stand up for yourself. I think the fact that he wasn''t doing it seems like he''s resisted even more than some teens. So, he might get in a lot for something he didn''t do and isn''t a part of.

If it were me (as a teen), and I got in trouble for something I didn''t do and couldn''t exactly control, and it made my parents lose trust in me, I might be even more inclined to "be bad" after being unnecessarily in trouble. I might say, "Well if you''re going to treat me like I''m guilty, I might as well be guilty!" (insert door slamming/tears/screams/pouts/FB status changes)

I''m sorry you''re stuck in this situation. However, I think getting caught and having their marijuana confiscated was most likely enough of a scare to help your boss''s kid stand up against that kind of behavior in his house, and to make his friends never want to bring marijuana over again.
 
Yes, you need to tell them. They will also need to notify the parents of the friends. Think about if one of the kids comes clean to his parents (for whatever reason, even fear that you/your boss will be contacting his parents and wanting to come clean on his own, etc.), then the parents tell your boss and your boss finds out that way before you tell him. That would not look good! Plus I think they definitely need to know...even if the kid wasn''t smoking, he was putting himself in a dangerous situation.
 
You should absolutely tell. This is a no-brainer.
Tell them the story exactly as you told us. They are the parents...they can figure out the rest (if their son smoked or not). Wouldn''t you rather tell them yourself than have them find out from someone else? THAT would make you look bad.
 
First of all, it''s great to see you back Pearl! I hope you stick around.

Next, YES, OF COURSE you need to tell this boy''s parents. Your #1 job is to keep him safe, and you''ll be doing the right thing by telling his mom and dad. Not telling them would be covering it up, and that''s not how you should handle this, in my opinion. It doesn''t matter if this is your boss'' son or someone else''s.

Also, I know it''s in the past at this point, but I think it would have been appropriate to call his friends'' parents and had them come pick their kids up. They also deserve to know what went on. I''m assuming that once your boss comes home, they''ll have a talk with their son and hopefully they''ll call the parents of the other boys and speak to them about the situation.

I''m sorry you had to deal with that!
 
Tell them. This is why they put you in charge. Maybe, just maybe he wasn''t smoking..but either way they need to have a talk with him about drugs and peer pressure and who he''s hanging out with.
 
You need to tell them. Their kid is at a very impressionable age and much of what he does in the years to come will be shaped by who he is spending his time with. Bad associations spoil useful habits. If he''s hanging out with kids that are doing things that are inappropriate, he could end up doing those same things himself or being in a bad situation that he wouldn''t have been in if he wasn''t with them.

My guess is that they would be upset if they would out that you hadn''t told them about this incident.
 
Thanks ladies. I was definitely leaning towards telling them but I just wanted some reassurance and second opinions. I myself have never smoked pot and didn''t hang out with "bad kids" when I was younger and I have pretty much zero experience with teenage boys so this situation definitely threw me for a loop!

Zoe, I definitely had considered calling all the boys parents last night but it was past midnight and who knows if they would''ve easily given up their parents phone numbers. If it had been earlier in the evening I probably would''ve tried though.
 
Date: 4/10/2010 7:00:18 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
First of all, it''s great to see you back Pearl! I hope you stick around.


Next, YES, OF COURSE you need to tell this boy''s parents. Your #1 job is to keep him safe, and you''ll be doing the right thing by telling his mom and dad. Not telling them would be covering it up, and that''s not how you should handle this, in my opinion. It doesn''t matter if this is your boss'' son or someone else''s.


Also, I know it''s in the past at this point, but I think it would have been appropriate to call his friends'' parents and had them come pick their kids up. They also deserve to know what went on. I''m assuming that once your boss comes home, they''ll have a talk with their son and hopefully they''ll call the parents of the other boys and speak to them about the situation.


I''m sorry you had to deal with that!
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I agree totally with Zoe.
I''m sorry you are in this situation as it is not an easy position to be in but I am sure you are doing the right and only thing you can do in this situation. Best of luck!
 
Definitely tell them.
 
No brainer...tell them. YOU were watching him...its YOUR responsibility.
 
I think your issue here is that you should have kicked them out and didn''t, and now if you tell your boss it''s a double whammy. I wouldn''t tell at this point. It might go badly for you if you do. Bad situation to be in, but since you cannot for sure say whether the son participated or not, what can you actually tell them? They might not believe you, and might instead blame you for some part of this situation. Good luck.
 
On the one hand, you think the kid was being honest with you and not smoking. On the other hand, his parents trusted you to take care of him and they would want to know about this.

I mean, if one of those kids was dumb enough to leave even the tiniest bit of marijuana behind, do you want them questioning YOU?

It''s your call, but if it were me, I''d give the kid the opportunity to tell his parents what happened first. And let him know that you''re going to be talking to his parents as well. Give him the chance to tell them what went on, then call and say "Did (kid) inform you about Friday night?" If they have no idea what you''re talking about, that''s when you tell them.

No one wants to see a good kid get in trouble. But as a parent I can honestly say if there''s been drug use in my home and my child is hanging out with people who are using, I want to know. I would be so upset if someone had been watching my child and did not tell me what happened.
 
Date: 4/10/2010 9:03:06 PM
Author: lyra
I think your issue here is that you should have kicked them out and didn't, and now if you tell your boss it's a double whammy. I wouldn't tell at this point. It might go badly for you if you do. Bad situation to be in, but since you cannot for sure say whether the son participated or not, what can you actually tell them? They might not believe you, and might instead blame you for some part of this situation. Good luck.
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If your child's friends had been drinking in the basement and you caught them, would you tell them all to grab their keys and drive home? I'd hope not. She did the right thing by letting them sleep the weed off.
 
First of all, it is really good to see you around!

As for this situation, I would tell the parents, but I would also tell them what you said about honestly believing he wasn''t smoking and showed no visual evidence of being stoned. My general policy is tell anything if it would later seem shady if I decided not to tell and it came out. This certainly seems like one of those cases. But, I also wouldn''t just let the parents think their son is using drugs (or at least was using drugs in this particular instance) if you really do not believe he was.

I think it is also okay to be frank with them about not knowing what to do and being uncomfortable about telling them or not. I do not think they would fault you for this, but I can really see the complications.
 
I would absolutely tell them, and would do so with confidence.

You made a decision not to kick them out - whether that was the right decision or not, you did give it thought and acted according to what you thought was best at the time.

If they disagree, and think you should have done differently, yes, the conversation could go poorly. But it's still way better than acting as if you have something to hide. If you don't tell them and they find out for whatever reason, in my opinion, you will have lost their trust, and they will be much less likely to listen to any reasoning you might give them for the decisions you made.

I say face up to it, and tell them...

ETA: I agree with Katamari and a few of the others to make sure to emphasize to the parents that it did not appear to you that the son had been smoking.
 
Tell the parents. You can still say that it didn''t seem like he was smoking, etc..., but they do need to know what was going on. It''s tough to say this, because I was on the other side of this situation when I was a kid!! But, it''s the right thing to do as the adult in the situation.
 
Definitely tell them and of course let them know that their kid wasn't smoking. I think you did the right thing by taking the weed and letting them stay. Kicking a bunch of stoned kids out at midnight isn't a great idea. And I don't think calling their parents should be your responsibility. Your boss can call the parents if he wants to.

Also, just a thought, but it might not be a great idea to watch your boss's house and/or kid. Something like this could color the way he sees you at work. If I were you I wouldn't house sit or kid sit for your boss after this.
 
Yes! tell them :)
 
I would spill the beans with evidence. I feel that honesty between you and your Boss is paramount.

What if the friends go home and tell the parents YOU provided the stash? And you chose not to tell the boss? Oh dear whose story will your boss choose to believe then?

To be frank, I think it was terribly inconsiderate of the Boss''s kid and/or the Boss (if he knew) to ask you to ALSO watch over the "other" kids. Most parents forbid other kids over when they are out of town. That would have been a thoughtful gesture on the boss''s part in respect to you. Too much liability for you. And, the son would have suffered no permanent social damage not having friends over for that short period of time. (if this situation arises again, set ground rules. No guests, period.)

Hey, this kid knows his buddies are stoners. You knew in school who were pot heads, cigarette smokers, beer drinkers, pill poppers, etc. This nice guy KNOWS-don''t let him snow you!

I realize you are anguishing, but honesty is warrantied, expected and a great idea to thwart any false statements that may arrive in the future.

Glad to see you back, Pearl!
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Here is a slightly different take on this - and how you earn the respect of the young man - and his parents.

His parents need to know - and he needs to tell them.

Sit down and discuss with him about responsibilities of being a young man - and as an adult - about doing the right thing.

Maneuver the conversation into your role (that his parents are expecting you to be responsible as well).

Then let him know that you respect him as a young man - and that you are expecting that he will tell his parents about the "party". Tell him that you will be there with him and will support him during this.

In the end you will earn the respect of both the young man, if this young man has any moral fiber, and his parents - as well as helping educate him into being an adult.

It may also spark a good series of conversations between him and his parents; or maybe - his parents will agree that he can bounce things off of you about things going on in his life (they don''t need to know everything). I''ve actually had two cases in my life where parents told their kids that they could come to me for advice (and the kids did). 90% of the time the parents never heard about the situations or issues discussed. The other times they needed to know - and I was always able to get the kid to tell the parents themselves.

Perry
 
Oooohhh, I like Perry''s suggestion. Great idea!
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Yes you should tell them, it was going on in their house after all. However I would be very open with them and tell them your thoughts on whether their son not necessarily being involved in it.
 
Date: 4/10/2010 9:45:50 PM
Author: perry
Here is a slightly different take on this - and how you earn the respect of the young man - and his parents.

His parents need to know - and he needs to tell them.

Sit down and discuss with him about responsibilities of being a young man - and as an adult - about doing the right thing.

Maneuver the conversation into your role (that his parents are expecting you to be responsible as well).

Then let him know that you respect him as a young man - and that you are expecting that he will tell his parents about the ''party''. Tell him that you will be there with him and will support him during this.

In the end you will earn the respect of both the young man, if this young man has any moral fiber, and his parents - as well as helping educate him into being an adult.

It may also spark a good series of conversations between him and his parents; or maybe - his parents will agree that he can bounce things off of you about things going on in his life (they don''t need to know everything). I''ve actually had two cases in my life where parents told their kids that they could come to me for advice (and the kids did). 90% of the time the parents never heard about the situations or issues discussed. The other times they needed to know - and I was always able to get the kid to tell the parents themselves.

Perry
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I like this suggestion. I would go this route or at least tell them. Even if he wasn''t smoking, he''s open to other dangerous situations (and maybe eventually trying pot himself) because of his pot-smoking friends.
 
I would give the parents what you confiscated and tell them that you took it from his friends and then see where the conversation goes.
 
As a parent I would want to know if my child was doing anything illegal or his/her friends as well! You should definitley tel them.
 
I think you should tell them. In effect, they asked you act as parents on their behalf while they were gone... not to be their son's friend there for a sleepover. By all means let them know that you believe their son wasn't smoking pot. But they have a right to know that he was around it and that his friends brought it into their house and tried to take advantage of their absence.

ETA glad to see you around again. Congrats on the house purchase!
 
I agree with Perry. Getting the son to confess would be the best idea. I don''t know how you''d swing this, but it would be worth a try. Just know that they may or may not be grateful to you. It will be a shock most likely, and some people don''t react well to stress like this. The hard part is that this is your boss, not a friend. Again, good luck.
 
Date: 4/10/2010 9:13:41 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 4/10/2010 9:03:06 PM
Author: lyra
I think your issue here is that you should have kicked them out and didn''t, and now if you tell your boss it''s a double whammy. I wouldn''t tell at this point. It might go badly for you if you do. Bad situation to be in, but since you cannot for sure say whether the son participated or not, what can you actually tell them? They might not believe you, and might instead blame you for some part of this situation. Good luck.
Click to expand...

If your child''s friends had been drinking in the basement and you caught them, would you tell them all to grab their keys and drive home? I''d hope not. She did the right thing by letting them sleep the weed off.
Click to expand...
No, I''d have them call their parents to come and pick them up, immediately.
 
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