Help! What would you do in this situation?

[kimchi]

You have GOT to tell them. I understand that you are in a difficult position. But if you don''t and they find out, then you have covered up a crime and could lose your job as well as the respect of your boss. Obviously they trusted you a LOT--with their house and their most precious thing--their son.

I would make sure to be there when they returned and that their son was with you at the time. Then, with everyone there, I''d bring it up and also talk about how you felt their son did not partake, and about how uncomfortable it was for you to tell them. Have them sit down and do it in a calm, dispassionate manner.

I do think it was a tough call about whether or not to send the other kids home at the time and one that you''d just have to make to the best of your ability. If they agree with how you handled that or not, you handled it and none of the kids was hurt or injured because of how you handled it, which is far better than sending them home stoned and one of them getting hurt on the way.

Life is full of tough choices but you simply cannot cover this up. Good luck.

 

[susimoo]

I think Perry''s post was spot on. That puts the onus back onto the kid, but with you as a back up. Good luck with it. I hope it all goes as well as can be expected.

 

[Girlrocks]

Absolutely, you need to tell the parents. Even if their son wasn''t technically smoking pot, which I highly doubt, they need to know what was taking place in their house. It''s their call how to handle it, not yours. They entrusted their house and son to you for this reason.

And for what it''s worth...since the kids are all 14 and 15, I would have also made each kid their call their parents to pick them up immediately and told each one what was going on.

 

[perry]

Another bit of advice to pass on to the young man (and the parents). (put this stuff into your own words).

Your future is not determined by your mistakes, your bad choices, or just bad situations that you find yourself in; but rather what you learn from and do from your mistakes, bad choices, and bad situations you find yourself in.

Growing up - and being able to assume more responsibility for your life - is also determined by when you start to admit that mistakes were made or that you were in a bad situation - and act responsible after that (which includes accepting whatever is reasonable punishment for the situation).

Something to tell the parents if he is willing to tell them (no matter how reluctantly - even if you have to be there and prod him): OK; it was probably not the best situation - but it could have been a lot worse. Your son has started to take responsibilities for his actions and the situations he finds himself in - which is a sign that he is growing up. We all made mistakes - the question is how best to help him learn from this situation.

I note that while i would expect there to be repercussions: They should be muted by the fact that the son fessed up (no matter how reluctantly). He needs to be able to feel safe to "fess up" to other things in his life - or discuss things that he is unsure of.

In this you may become an unrelated "aunt" to the family - just like I was a favorite "uncle" a couple of times.

Best wishes with this - and I know you can do a good job at this.

Perry

 

[susimoo]

Date: 4/11/2010 9:13:31 AM
Author: perry
Another bit of advice to pass on to the young man (and the parents). (put this stuff into your own words).


Your future is not determined by your mistakes, your bad choices, or just bad situations that you find yourself in; but rather what you learn from and do from your mistakes, bad choices, and bad situations you find yourself in.


Growing up - and being able to assume more responsibility for your life - is also determined by when you start to admit that mistakes were made or that you were in a bad situation - and act responsible after that (which includes accepting whatever is reasonable punishment for the situation).


Something to tell the parents if he is willing to tell them (no matter how reluctantly - even if you have to be there and prod him): OK; it was probably not the best situation - but it could have been a lot worse. Your son has started to take responsibilities for his actions and the situations he finds himself in - which is a sign that he is growing up. We all made mistakes - the question is how best to help him learn from this situation.


I note that while i would expect there to be repercussions: They should be muted by the fact that the son fessed up (no matter how reluctantly). He needs to be able to feel safe to ''fess up'' to other things in his life - or discuss things that he is unsure of.


In this you may become an unrelated ''aunt'' to the family - just like I was a favorite ''uncle'' a couple of times.


Best wishes with this - and I know you can do a good job at this.


Perry

Perry, you are great at this!

This one is duly noted!

 

[Arkteia]

a) I do not believe that the kid was not smoking, but it is just my skepticism.
b) You seem to be a very nice person who is concerned about the kid, but try to view this matter from the standpoint of self-preservation.

From the legal standpoint, having minors drinking or using drugs under your roof when you are in the house makes you legally responsible. I do not know how if the same laws apply to babysitting kids in someone else's house, but I think, they do. The reason I know this is because once during my son's party in our house a couple managed to make it out in our guest room. (They just locked themselves in, and won't unlock it although we were all there - I had to find another key and open it!) Naturally I got very much upset and researched this issue with our social care workers - among other things, I am a mandatory reporter. No, said they, I was not legally responsible for kids having sex in my house, as long as they were of the same age, but I could be prosecuted if I allowed them to drink or use drugs under my roof.

So, these kids smoking pot put your in danger. I agree, you should have sent the other kids home and called their parents. Personally, I'd hate to do it, I was never a snitch, but in order to protect myself, I would do it.

Also, I am almost positive that his parents know that their kid "has done it once". As parents we are stupid and naive, and usually the last ones to know, but we are not that naive!

My son moved out of the house and in with his friends when he started college. He just turned 18 and got into a minor DUI. I had no clue that he had a drinking problem - among other things, he never smelled of alcohol. Later, his friend's mom told me about all the stuff he had used and that she knew about his problem long before the DUI. I'd surely be quite grateful to her for giving me at least a tip earlier!

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 4/11/2010 4:24:32 AM
Author: lyra

Date: 4/10/2010 9:13:41 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 4/10/2010 9:03:06 PM

Author: lyra

I think your issue here is that you should have kicked them out and didn't, and now if you tell your boss it's a double whammy. I wouldn't tell at this point. It might go badly for you if you do. Bad situation to be in, but since you cannot for sure say whether the son participated or not, what can you actually tell them? They might not believe you, and might instead blame you for some part of this situation. Good luck.

If your child's friends had been drinking in the basement and you caught them, would you tell them all to grab their keys and drive home? I'd hope not. She did the right thing by letting them sleep the weed off.

No, I'd have them call their parents to come and pick them up, immediately.

A 14 year old kid will sooner grab his stuff and run home than sit there and give you his parent's information. These are teenagers we are talking about here, not 2nd graders on a play date.

Teenagers are crafty! Perry's idea is a good one. This is a prime opportunity to teach a life lesson, before this leads to anything worse.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 4/11/2010 9:56:11 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 4/11/2010 4:24:32 AM

Author: lyra

Date: 4/10/2010 9:13:41 PM


Author: PinkAsscher678

If your child's friends had been drinking in the basement and you caught them, would you tell them all to grab their keys and drive home? I'd hope not. She did the right thing by letting them sleep the weed off.

No, I'd have them call their parents to come and pick them up, immediately.

A 14 year old kid will sooner grab his stuff and run home than sit there and give you his parent's information. These are teenagers we are talking about here, not 2nd graders on a play date.

Teenagers are crafty! Perry's idea is a good one. This is a prime opportunity to teach a life lesson, before this leads to anything worse.

Agreed. When you put kids in the position of trying to evade their parents' ire, they run the risk of doing something stupid, like driving home under the influence or taking off to run home if they are not of driving age; a 14 year old kid out at midnight running through the streets is NOT safe. It is the responsibility of the boy's parents to notify the other parents of what their kids are doing.

Ditto on Perry's suggestion, not only for the way he suggested you phrase it, but also to ensure that the OP is there when he confesses to make sure there is no creative license taken with how things went! The last thing you need is a tall tale that will paint YOU as an accomplice, or worse a participant! Kids will lie in a heartbeat if they think it will get them out of trouble.

 

[somethingshiny]

Yes, you should tell them. I don''t think it''s your responsibility or right to talk to the kid and convince him to tell his parents himself. You are not his parent and don''t have that authority. I would give the parents the evidence in front of their child and let the talk come from there.

As far as letting the other kids sleep it off. No you shouldn''t let them drive while under any influence, but I''d definitely call their parents to pick them up.

 

[charbie]

Yes, you tell them.
They had you there for this exact reason.
Chances are, they may already know that their son has some friends who smoke pot.
He very well might not have been smoking. And it doesn''t make him a "bad kid" if he does have friends who smoke pot (in my opinion)- but the parents should be aware of what happened while you were there taking care of the house and their son.

 

[Haven]

I haven''t read the other response so I apologize if I''m repeating something.

This is what I would do:

- Tell the boy that you are going to sit down with him and with his parents right when they get home, and that will be his opportunity to tell them what happened. Tell him that fessing up himself will make him look better in his parents'' eyes because that is the best choice for him to make in this situation.

- If he agrees to this, then tell him to pretend that you are his parents, and to practice what he''s going to say. This step is important for two reasons: 1) If he omits any pertinent information (who was here, what they were doing, etc.) then you''ll have the opportunity to tell him what you expect him to share with his parents, and 2) The practice will make the actual telling much easier for him.

- Right when the boss gets home tell him that you''d like to speak with him, his wife, and their son together. Then have the boy tell his parents what happened.

- If he doesn''t agree to this, then tell him that you''ll be telling his parents exactly what happened, and you are going to do it right now. Either email or phone your boss then and there. If the kid is unwilling to fess up, then you have a manipulative little stinker on your hands, and he''ll likely spend the rest of the time before his parents come home corroborating an elaborate lie with is friends to get himself out of this situation. I obviously don''t know this kid, but from your post it sounds like he''s a first class charmer. He set up the whole "I don''t do drugs!" thing when he came out and told you that he doesn''t drink or smoke. I hate to say it, but I bet this kid was smoking with his friends. I''ve known enough teenagers to know that straight edge kids don''t hang out with smokers, and they definitely don''t let smokers use their basements to get high while they just sit around. ESPECIALLY the children of strict parents. Sounds like this guy is totally playing you for a fool, I hate to say.

As for the issue of sending the other boys home or not, that was just an awful situation for you to be in, in the first place. I would *never* allow a teenager to have friends over if I was house sitting for his parents, and that expectation should have been made clear to this boy in the first place. You made a decision based on your best judgment, and that has to be good enough for your boss.

The minute those kids starting smoking pot under your supervision you became legally responsible for any potential harm that came to them while they were under the influence. That''s a horrible situation for you to be in, and I''m really glad that nothing happened to them.

Good luck! I think you were really brave to watch your boss''s house AND his teenage son AND his teenage son''s friends. I know I would never be that brave!

 

[lyra]

Date: 4/11/2010 9:56:11 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 4/11/2010 4:24:32 AM
Author: lyra

Date: 4/10/2010 9:13:41 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 4/10/2010 9:03:06 PM

Author: lyra

I think your issue here is that you should have kicked them out and didn''t, and now if you tell your boss it''s a double whammy. I wouldn''t tell at this point. It might go badly for you if you do. Bad situation to be in, but since you cannot for sure say whether the son participated or not, what can you actually tell them? They might not believe you, and might instead blame you for some part of this situation. Good luck.

If your child''s friends had been drinking in the basement and you caught them, would you tell them all to grab their keys and drive home? I''d hope not. She did the right thing by letting them sleep the weed off.

No, I''d have them call their parents to come and pick them up, immediately.

A 14 year old kid will sooner grab his stuff and run home than sit there and give you his parent''s information. These are teenagers we are talking about here, not 2nd graders on a play date.

Teenagers are crafty! Perry''s idea is a good one. This is a prime opportunity to teach a life lesson, before this leads to anything worse.

I would assume that if one were babysitting these kids, whatever the ages, one should have their contact info on hand in case of emergency. And yes, I''m quite sure they''d have given the info. My kids are way past this age and I''ve dealt with stuff like this already. Whatever. What''s done is done now.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Yes, you have to tell them. I''d wait until they come home. You don''t want to ruin their vacation. I''d say it''s certainly likely that this kid wasn''t smoking. I knew plenty of kids in school that hung out with smokers and drinkers but chose not to touch the stuff. I''d say it''s your boss''s call whether or not he chooses to call the parents of the other kids.

 

[lilyfoot]

Yes I would tell them. It was an illegal activity going on in their own house, involving their son, so I feel like they have a right to know.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I would tell them if I were in your situation. I would NOT have allowed the get together. I would have contacted all the party-goers parents ans ensured they all went home safely, removing any sort of responsibility or liability on my part. If I were a parent of one of the party''s participants I would have preferred you to contact me and let me deal with my child immediately.

Let the child know you are going to talk to his parents and give him an opportunity to speak with them with you.


Good luck, I have the feeling this may not end well.

 

[winternight]

I wouldn''t tell. I had a boss that asked me to house sit ages ago and I couldn''t say no, I''m grateful no children where involved. I wouldn''t tell because I just see this leading to a host of problems, not the least of which is what if the boss blames you for allowing this to happen? Also, give the kid a break maybe he wasn''t smoking. I knew lots of kids who were straight edge even though their friends weren''t. Finally what if the parent freaks and does something extreme --- I wouldn''t want to feel responsible for that. Best case scenerio the parents ''appreciate'' it but always there is work akwardness as a result -- what if they worry about you gossiping or just don''t like having you around as a reminder of their shattered image of their child -- assuming this doesn''t get into a he said she said. Everyone seems to have a rosy view of how it will go...maybe I''m too cynical.

 

[movie zombie]

yes, you tell them. if you don''t tell the parents and they find out, they will lose all trust in you....which ultimately could have the potential of effecting your working relationship with your boss.

you did the right thing in confiscating but allowing the other kids to sleep it off before heading out first thing the next morning.

mz

ps i do think i''d tell the kid i was going to be talking to his parents but that i will also be telling them that i believe him when he says he was smoking.

 

[Bunny007]

For what it''s worth, I would have let the other kids stay the night too. While I can understand why some people would choose to call the other parents, I think it was ultimately a judgment call. You only had the other kids'' safety in mind- I''m surprised anyone would fault your for your decision.

Realistically, I don''t think you could''ve forced any 15 year-old to call their parents. It''s not as though you were their babysitter and if they were ballsy enough to smoke pot right under your nose, I doubt they would have coughed up their parents'' phone numbers. These are wiley teenagers we''re talking about! I certainly wouldn''t have at that age...

 

[Porridge]

I think you made the right call. What a tough situation.

I would definitely tell the parents, no question. I very much agree with Perry and Haven''s suggestions of having the boy tell them himself, with you there, and if he refuses to call the parents immediately. I presume you still have the evidence you confiscated??

Really, it''s just a little pot. He was gonna get caught sooner or later. Any parent would want to know.

 

[zoebartlett]

Pearl, can you fill us in on what happened? Did the boy tell his parents or did you need to?

 

[Bunny007]

Yes, come back and share!