Home Help - VERY Sticky Biological Dad Situation

[mia1181]

Date: 2/13/2010 10:25:38 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I didn''t mean to imply that everyone feels this way, but that some can. I''m sure there are tons of completely happy well adjusted kids who have no desire to meet someone who had no part in raising them.

But in my family experience, that was not the case. And all I can really go by is my own personal experience watching my grandmother struggle with never knowing her mother or father.

On the flip side, a good friend of mine was adopted at 10 months old. She''s curious about meeting her birth mother but it''s mostly the curiosity factor rather than a source of angst or pain. She grew up with really wonderful parents and had a great childhood. Curiosity is normal, I just wanted to make the point that if her daughter is interested now it''s best to deal with it as a family rather than hoping it will go away. I think bringing in professional help is a great idea, because whoever mediates will be able to make this go as smoothly as possible.

Ditto. I never met my father and I honestly never cared to. However my brother and sister have always been curious and both have met him as adults. I''m guessing if puppmon''s DD is looking on the internet then yes she is probably the curious type and I doubt that will ever just go away.

So sorry puppmom that is a very tough spot to be in. My brother is in contact with my father now and like your ex, my father is also an ex-con. Sometimes my brother tries to get me to meet him or asks if he is allowed to talk about me. I am very uncomfortable with this and I would be horrified if this guy ever tried to contact me. So I feel your pain. I wish I had the answers for you. (((Hugs)))

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

PP *Hugs* sorry for your difficult situation

my DH went through a similar situation. My MIL had him at 18 and the father (not wed) would come in and out of DH life. He was not a good person, not reliable, never gave any $ support, and was selfish. when DH was 8 she cut off contact all together. She said she would rather no father figure in his life than a father who is a bad influence as that would have been no benefit to DH. I know sometimes DH wondered who he was, where he was, etc. and would search for him online just out of curiosity, but never had the urge to contact him b/c DH knew he was a jerk- since 18 DH has never looked back and it was the best decision MIL could have ever made in that situation.

I think honesty is the best policy. Especially because there is danger if she does actually contact him (think she has only searched for him right?). I know you dont want her to think her dad is a bad person, but I think there could be a way of letting her know he isnt what she thinks he is. Someone mentioned prison visits- I dont know her maturity level but it would give her a sense of reality (although it could be tramatizing/overwhelming). Its good you are seeking professional help and talking to her about that to keep the lines of communication open- that is so important. Hope everything works out

 

[Winks_Elf]

For the OP: I think you''ve been given excellent advice, but I''d like to add that you really should talk to a few people including a lawyer, an adolescent counselor, and the family division at your local courthouse regarding what his rights are. The more you are informed, the better your decision making abilities are. (((((BIG HUGS))))) I would not want to step into your shoes for so much as a moment.

As for myself, I was adopted at 15 months old. I have always been curious about my BM, because I do indeed have valid abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. As a mother of a child who hasn''t seen his BD since he was 2, I have been open and honest with my son about his lineage, how he came to be, where his father lives, etc. I don''t ever want him thinking that I''m hiding something from him, and it''s better to be open and honest with him rather than keeping secrets that will just wind up making him go underground searching for answers.

 

[House Cat]

Just so that you don''t have any regrets in the future, please have your custody papers amended.


I had an absentee father due to the fact that he was a drug addict. I should add that he was in my life when I was very young, but then he just disappeared. It left an emptiness that I can never fully describe. I did have an excellent stepdad, but there was still a hole in my heart...so I waited. It''s natural that your daughter would look for him. My family was very honest with me about my dad, but there was still a part of me that wanted to believe that they were wrong. Children, they are very protective of their parents. This is a natural response of the psyche.

So, be honest with her, but expect a bit of resistance, knowing that her mind has to protect her from the truth. Know that there might be a fantasy in there somewhere that her dad may come to her someday and bring her love. Most children have that when they''ve been abandoned.

If you want to get her into therapy, explain to her that it isn''t to share the family business, it is to allow her to have a safe place to share her feelings. Explain just how confidential therapy is. Let her know that you want to help her in anyway that you can, that you will give her all of the hugs and love that you can, but you lack the healing tools of the therapist.

I think that someone said to explain that her dad is making poor life choices, dangerous choices, and you don''t know why he''s doing it. Please be sure to explain that it has nothing to do with her.

I was always so angry that my dad couldn''t stop using drugs for me. I never could understand that. How the love for a child couldn''t override the need for drugs. I now see that he had deep pain. This will be a journey for her. Let her know you are willing to be there for her the entire way.

Well, this is all I have. Sorry to be so mushy, but I know we can be this way when it comes to our children. Wishing you wisdom.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks guys! All of your advice and recap of your personal experience has been so helpful. We are taking advantage of the holiday and contacting local family therapists. We are going to have a talk with DD tonight and tell her we understand WHY she wants to see her dad and wonders about him. We are also going to explain why we think it''s not a good idea at this time to attempt to contact him.

I know there''s no quick answer and that this will be something we deal with for years to come. In fact, probably forever. Let''s face it - even when things are good, this issue won''t be dead...ever.

I think we''ll continue to focus on our family. This certainly has motivated us to put even more time and energy into maintaining a positive family life - knowing, of course, that it won''t make up for what''s *missing*.

 

[movie zombie]

i think you and your daughter together meet with and hire a private detective who gets all the records together and s/he presents them to your daughter. yes, you may have access to these things but a third source who has no emotions in the game might be more effective.

mz

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 2/15/2010 10:29:26 PM
Author: movie zombie
i think you and your daughter together meet with and hire a private detective who gets all the records together and s/he presents them to your daughter. yes, you may have access to these things but a third source who has no emotions in the game might be more effective.


mz

Exactly!