Home Help - VERY Sticky Biological Dad Situation

[Puppmom]

I’ll try to be brief but I’m in need of an outsider’s advice. DD is from a previous relationship. She was born when I was 17 and her biological dad was 19. He was in and out of her life for the first 5 years and since then has been out of it completely. He’s been in and out of jail for violent and drug related crimes. I was always open with allowing him to spend time with her in that first 5 years and we technically have a custody agreement that says he’s allowed visitation Saturdays from 1-6. I have full legal and physical custody. Sometimes between jail stints he would reach out to us and sometimes not. I got to the point that I stopped taking his calls because this was all very hard on and confusing for DD and he backed off pretty easily. It’s been almost 10 years since she’s seen him or had contact with him and I’m terrified about how our lives would change if he found us because of his violent criminal record. I *think* I know where he is – this is based on the assumption that he has no where to go between prison stays other than back to his parents. In the 10 years we haven’t seen him we have also had NO contact with his family. I think they knew it was a dangerous situation for us and did their best to leave us be.

Today, I asked my brother to check in on DD because she’s home for the day alone due to a school closing. She’s obviously *old enough* to be home alone but something seemed fishy this morning and I thought it would be a good idea for him to pop in. He did (he’s the greatest!) and all was well. Before he left, he opened the laptop to show her the latest pictures of his 1 month old son. When he did, he found that she had been searching for her biological using people search engines.

I think a lot of her renewed interest in seeing her dad (she rarely ever asked questions in the past and even when we tried to be proactive she blew us off) is the result of the fact that DH and I are expecting. She’s also a teenager and their minds wander a lot. She asked me recently if I thought she would see him again and I answered her honestly – saying probably not until you’re an adult. I went into more detail than I had in the past about his history hoping she would understand *why* she hasn’t seen him. I struggle with this a lot because I don’t want her to think he’s a bad person but I need for her to understand that I didn’t take her away from him.

This is a really serious situation for our family. Our lives would change DRAMATICALLY if he knew where we lived. In fact, we would probably have to move. He’s not rational (obviously) and has done things in the past that scare the crap out of me. I don’t know how to impart to DD that getting in touch with him would be a REALLY BAD idea without freaking her out. I’m also worried that I’ll be placing a burden on her by making her feel like SHE can’t see HER dad because of what it means for us. I don’t want her to feel like our happiness and safety depends on her.

I plan on engaging professional help soon – we’ve actually tried this with not much success. She wouldn’t talk to the counselor because she doesn’t like talking to someone she doesn’t know about “our business”. We kept it up for a while but could tell if was really making her uncomfortable and, at the time, we had no issues. We were trying to be proactive.

So…right now we need a quick patch so we’re having a talk with her tonight.

Any ideas on how to approach this? I certainly don’t want to drive her to do exactly what we don’t want her to do. Let’s face it, with the internet, it would SO easy for her to find him especially knowing he is on certain networking sites.

So much for brief...

 

[waterlilly]

You just have to approach it very honestly and from a place of love.

Tell her it is totally normal for her to miss him and be curious about him and want to see him. Tell her that you wish she could have a normal relationship with him and that you have no doubt he loves her and would like to have a normal relationship with her. However, he is not someone that makes good decisions in life, and he has very real and serious problems that he needs to work on and unless he can make a huge change - it is not safe for any of you to be around him. Tell her about the drug problems, tell her how drugs can make a person do things that are dangerous to themselves and those around them.

Tell her your honest fear about him and don't insult him personally, but be clear that the decisions he has made have created a dangerous lifestyle that you have to protect both of you from.

Make it clear that she can talk to you ANYTIME about him. If she has any questions about him - encourage her to ask anything.

Don't be discouraged about eye rolling or protest to you having the discussion - still talk. She may act like she doesn't want to hear it (that's what teens do) but she does want to hear it and needs to hear it and WILL hear it.

 

[jewelz617]

When kids get older, they can feel very lost and incomplete not knowing one or both of their biological parents. And unfortunately, this issue probably isn't going to go away until your daughter gets the answers or closure she needs.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. But my grandmother was adopted in the 1930's and searched for 50 years to try to find her biological mother only to discover that she had died 15 years earlier. It's not something that's going to go away. If she wants to deal with it now, you'll have to face it in a manner that is going to keep her safe and keep your family protected.

I'm glad you're getting professional help. This is certainly a tough situation and I wish you the best.

 

[Kit]

This is a very difficult situation. You are obviously doing the best you can in dealing with it. My thought is that your daughter is getting older and wanting to assert herself more and more. You may have to consider that if you don''t facilitate contact somehow, safely and under your terms, then she might--and not tell you about it, putting you and your family at risk. Is there a way to help her have contact with her dad that is safe and maintains your privacy? Just a thought. Teenagers can be crafy, and rebellious, and you don''t want this to become a wedge issue between you.

Good luck, you are obviously looking at this from every perspective.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks for your input. I agree that this will not be going away and that it was naive of me to think that all these years she wasn''t *thinking* about it just because she didn''t talk about. I have told her why he has been in jail but I think those just feel like stories to her. I am trying very hard to find a balance between validating her feelings and letting her know that now is not the time to find him and that I would be glad to help her when she''s an adult.

 

[Puppmom]

Kit, I hadn''t thought about that. I''m not sure how I could facilitate *safe* contact. I can''t imagine that it wouldn''t lead to him finding out where we live. He''s noy any more mature than DD - maybe not even as mature so I could only imagine the conversations wouldn''t lead anywhere positive. I would love it if I could figure out a way to satisfy her need for knowing him without risking our safety.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Puppmom, your daughter is 14 or 15, right?

I was in a similar situation with my 20 year old son. His bio dad and I were married very briefly when we were young; DS was born when I was 21 and BD was 20. We divorced when DS was 18 months and I returned to my parents'' home, many states away. BD was in the Marines when we met and I thought he was a good guy. He got out of the Corps and we moved to TX where his family lived; from there, it was all downhill because I saw his true colors. He never went to jail, but he did things that should have sent him there. We divorced after he threatened to kill me one too many times.

After I moved home, he talked to DS regularly only for the first 3 months or so, and then the calls became less frequent. By the time we''d been gone a year, we no longer heard from BD. During this time, I did NOT discourage contact at all. A couple of years later, my 2nd husband adopted DS. BD did not contest the adoption and signed away his parental rights. It was always my rule to not talk badly about BD and DS was always aware that he had been adopted by DH2. I didn''t encourage discussion about BD, but I didn''t shy away from it, either. I answered DS''s questions for the most part, but never told him the reason behind our breakup or about the bad things BD had done. As DS got older, when DH2 disciplined him, we often heard, "You''re not my REAL dad!" or "My REAL dad wouldn''t do that!" Frustrating!

In 2002, DS got in some fairly serious trouble and ended up in the juvenile correctional system. DH2 decided not to be supportive of DS and basically pretended he no longer existed. DS started talking about BD more and more and finally, I was brutally honest with him about BD''s behavior.

When DS came home in 2006, he was 17. He joined MySpace and I found out soon after that BD had found him and they were not only messaging back and forth via MySpace, but also talking on the phone. I really lost my cool about it because I felt that since BD had signed away his rights, he should not have contacted a MINOR child. I was also quite afraid of what could happen if BD knew where we lived because it had taken me so many years to get over the fear that BD would show up one day and snatch DS. FWIW, the day after I told BD I wanted a divorce in 1990, he went to DS''s daycare, took him out, then called me and told me I''d never see DS again. I was a hot mess about that. So you can see why I lived in fear for so long and why it took me a while to get over it.

I put my foot down with DS and told him that once he was 18, it was his choice to have contact with BD or not, but until then, while he was relying on my computer and my cell phone to have contact, it was a no no.

Once DS was 18, I kept my word and he and BD started trying to figure out their relationship. After DS graduated high school, he briefly moved to where BD lives. DS then came back for another almost 2 years, then last summer, moved back to where BD lives. I think his relationship with BD is rather complicated because it seems that BD has straightened himself out for the most part, so he expects DS to get himself together (just like I do). The odd thing is that I sometimes talk to BD''s wife on FaceBook, but I have no desire to talk to BD.

Ok, so now that you know my story...

I think you''re going to have to concentrate on supporting your daughter''s desire to know her dad while setting some limits to keep your family safe. In my case, since BD had no legal rights to DS, I had a lot more power to protect us. Your ex, however, still has visitation rights, so if he wanted to try to take them, you would have no choice but to go back to court, which could mean a protracted court battle as well as legal bills. And at the end of the day, when your daughter turns 18, she can see her dad as much as she pleases.

Perhaps if you could go to counseling with her, a therapist could help you explain why you are so uncomfortable with BD knowing where you live and ask your daughter to suspend her attempts to get in contact with BD until she is 18? Or maybe since she didn''t like counseling before, you could just take this approach when you talk to her?

When I had the coming to Jesus conversation with DS, I told him flat out that I understood that my issues with BD were not DS''s issues, but since I had a lot more to lose if BD still had issues with me, my right to live my life without his threats trumped a minor''s right to know his dad.

I think I might also do some detective work of my own to find out what BD has been up to in the last 10 years. Before DS was in contact with BD, I figured BD was probably either in jail or dead, but it seems that he has mostly grown up. He''s married, has a bunch of kids and has been at the same job for a long time. He''s never going to be my best friend, but I don''t fear him anymore because now I know he has a reason to behave himself.

Hang in there -- I know this is an awful situation to be in.

 

[Kit]

Date: 2/12/2010 4:41:26 PM
Author: puppmom
Kit, I hadn''t thought about that. I''m not sure how I could facilitate *safe* contact. I can''t imagine that it wouldn''t lead to him finding out where we live. He''s noy any more mature than DD - maybe not even as mature so I could only imagine the conversations wouldn''t lead anywhere positive. I would love it if I could figure out a way to satisfy her need for knowing him without risking our safety.

I really don''t know what I am talking about here, but perhaps this is where the third party or professional comes in? You know, they could be present meeting with DD and her dad, and provide a structured environment where safety and privacy are maintained. Maybe there are nonprofits or advocates that do this kind of thing. Just a thought. I am sure other PSers are more knowledgable.

 

[purrfectpear]

Obviously you''re leaving something important out, because that story doesn''t make any sense at all.

You were fine with him being in her life from birth to 5 in between his incarcerations. Now 10 years later, she''s 15 and you imply he''s such a nutcase that him even having a clue where you lived would mean you''d have to pack up and move? I think not, not unless there''s something you''re not telling? If he didn''t hate you before and wasn''t a danger then, why is he now?

Personally I think a 15 year old should be allowed to be curious about her birth father and you should facilitate contact for her. If he''s a turd she''ll figure that out on her own.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

PP, it's not quite always that easy especially if he has a violent past. It's usually more complicated than simply being a turd.

I asked a friend of mine about your concerns as she is in the exact same situation only her dd is 4 right now.
She mentioned that you google your name, anyone related to you, etc. to see if anything pops up and to remove your name immediately from whatever that may be.

Also mentioned there is a way to program certain words or keywords to be blocked from being searched on computers. Although if she is 15 I'm sure that's not the only computer she has access to.

if she's trying to locate him because she has questions...you could tell your daughter to start a journal and everytime she's struggling with it - to write it down and then it can be discussed

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 2/12/2010 5:25:05 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
PP, it''s not quite always that easy especially if he has a violent past. It''s usually more complicated than simply being a turd.

I asked a friend of mine about your concerns as she is in the exact same situation only her dd is 4 right now.
She mentioned that you google your name, anyone related to you, etc. to see if anything pops up and to remove your name immediately from whatever that may be.

Also mentioned there is a way to program certain words or keywords to be blocked from being searched on computers. Although if she is 15 I''m sure that''s not the only computer she has access to.

if she''s trying to locate him because she has questions...she could tell her daughter to start a journal and everytime she''s struggling with it - to write it down and then it can be discussed

He was incarcerated already during the first 5 years.
Something''s missing.

 

[cara]

Puppmom, I feel for you in this situation. It is completely normal and natural for your daughter to want to contact her bio-dad, and as a teenager in a house with a new baby coming, it is totally normal for her to feel a little apart from the adults, and to hide stuff from you and want to carve out her own space for her own musings and family research...

But since you fear for your family''s safety if she acts out, you need to go to the pros- therapist or police/lawyer as necessary. I feel in no way qualified to advise you on how to handle this in a way that preserves your family''s safety, given the variables involved. Even if you took a sledgehammer-like approach in your conversation with your daughter, this might be harmful to her in the longer-term even if you keep her safe short term. Or the sledgehammer might even backfire, depending on your daughter''s temperment and other variables. All I can say is that you do need to listen to her a bit, to figure out what she is thinking and wondering and feeling. Good luck, can''t be easy.

 

[Aloros]

Hey puppmom, I''m sorry you''re in such a difficult situation. Have you thought about contacting your local social services? They might be able to help you with some resources. My first thought was supervised visitation. This way you can get a third party involved so you''re not forced to be the go-between (especially if you don''t necessarily feel safe). You can keep your address and location safe, your DD could see her bio-dad, and there would be someone to intervene in case things didn''t go right.

PP, what the OP might have felt comfortable with five years ago is not necessarily what she feels comfortable with now. She''s older, wiser, and has a baby on the way. I don''t think there needs to be any more to the story.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks everyone for their insight. This is one of the scariest things I''ve ever been through for sure.

To respond to some of you...

RPS, thanks for your experience. I''m VERY worried about facebook. It makes it way too easy to find people. DD is definitely at the age where she''s finding herself and we have to validate her feelings. It''s time to revisit the idea of therapy. We sent DD when she was 10-11 to be proactive and she was very creeped out about by the fact that someone wanted to know her business. Every time she went, she would say "It''s none of her business how I feel or what happens in our life. Why does she want to know?" At the time, we weren''t having any issues and it was hard to explain to a child that age why we thought she needed to have someone to talk to. Maybe a family therapist where we all go together is a better first step. Perhaps that will help her gain trust in the person before they start digging, KWIM? Also, I would love to know that BD has grown up but, unfortunately, the township he lives in has pretty easy online access to criminal records and nothing has changed. I think he needs professional help (not that most people in his situation don''t) - mental illness runs in his family and I definitely think his problem is not that he''s a jerk but that he''s immature and TOTALLY out of touch with reality.

Purrfect, not to be a smart a$$ but of course a lot has been left out! We''re talking 15 years of history.

I wasn''t exactly comfortable with DD having contact with her dad that first 5 years but I was young (17 when I had her) and thought I had to and that I was doing the right thing by allowing her contact with him. I don''t speak to my father because we don''t know where he is and I wanted DD to know hers. I lived with my mom, step-father and brother until right before her 5th birthday and felt safe there and he was only permitted visitation due to his history. Right before her 5th birthday, he was given a rather lengthy jail sentence and I saw how she thrived during that time period - no more is daddy coming or is he not, no more why does daddy say this about you and how come he acts angry. During that time, I also grew up a lot and realized that he wasn''t just *not good* for her, he was dangerous for her to be around. He didn''t contact us much during his jail stay - no calls (to be honest I''m not sure he could have even if he wanted to), we received mail randomly including 3 birthday cards in the wrong month. That all tapered off toward the end of his sentence. In addition to that, I moved out on my own during this time and no longer felt that safety that I did when I was with my parents. It was naive, but I just knew that they wouldn''t let anything happen to us. So - long story short - he was always a danger, even when we dated as teenagers but I was just too foolish to realize that and I feel extremely lucky, knowing the things he''s done, that nothing has ever happened to us. Sorry - that was just a smidge long winded!

Cara, thanks - this is definitely new territory for us in general. DD''s a little on the naive side so even though she''ll be 15 soon we''re just really hitting the teenage years in terms of attitude etc. She''s always been rather obedient and VERY cautious so this whole rebellious teenage thing has our heads spinning! Like when did she discover she doesn''t HAVE TO listen to us? I''m also afraid that no matter what we tell her she''ll either not take it seriously or she''ll think that we just don''t want her to have contact with him.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks, Aloros. I''ll look into this. I am a little afraid that even with supervised visitation DD could tell him where we live etc. I don''t know how supervised those visits would be to be honest. When we had supervised visitation before, it wasn''t a third party. He came to my parent''s house.

I totally had the foresight to know this day what come but I SO wasn''t prepared anyway.

 

[VRBeauty]

You''re making suppositions about what your ex is like now based on his past behavior. There''s nothing wrong with that... essentially you''re erring on the side of caution (and I would too) but at the same time, it''s understandable that this wouldn''t be enough information for your teenager, or even that she wouldn''t believe what you have to tell her. And while I agree with the theory of "putting your foot down" and not allowing any contact until she''s 18, that''s a little unrealistic in the internet age. I also doubt that "safe contact" is possible in the internet age... your ex could use almost any fragments of information to track you down if that''s what he wanted to do. Why give him those fragments if you have no idea what he''s up to now?

I''d consider going back just one step. Offer to work with your daughter to find out more about what your ex is up to right now, with the agreement that if you don''t like what the two of you find out, she''ll leave it alone until she''s older. Sign on with one of the for-pay internet people search functions, or even go through a private detective... anything that would get you enough information to satisfy your daughter for now, without breaching the wall you''ve built up over the years. If you''re right about your ex, the stuff you''ll be digging up would probably make her realize that she should leave well enough alone. But -- this would only work if you trust that your daughter would use good judgement once she gets this more current information.

 

[Puppmom]

VRBeauty, on the run here but thanks for your response. Unfortunately, I have easy access to his criminal history and he has been arrested several times in the last few years and as recently as a few months go.

 

[NY Princess]

So I have two adopted brothers. They are biological brothers. My oldest brother apparently always wanted to meet his father but never told our parents until he had located him. With some apprehension, my parents gave him their blessing. He went and met him and came back after spending a week together. My brother basically said that being adopted was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. He found out that his BD had been a junkie and had spent time in prison. Now he was clean, married and living honestly. As far as i know he hasn''t had further contact with him. I think he just needed to get it out of his system.

On the other hand, my younger brother never wanted to meet their BD. Even when my older brother told him that the BD was anxious to meet him. He said "that man is nothing to me, I have no interest in speaking to him or hearing about him." End of discussion.

I think because of your daughter''s age that perhaps you could have a chaperoned visit in a neutral place and that they both have to agree not to divulge personal info like address and such? That way she doesn''t feel like your trying to keep her away from him, which could only make her start to see him as her "knight in shining armor."

 

[Aloros]

As far as the supervised visitation, there are places that offer this, and I think you can ask social services for referrals. They will sit in the same room, and some will even take notes. I think you can stipulate that he not ask her specifics about where she lives, I''m not sure. On the other hand, she''s 15, and you might have to just trust her not to say. I think at that age she can follow that, especially if you emphasize that it''s important.

My memory on all this is a bit fuzzy. DH and I looked into this before, since my stepson''s mother has also had drug issues in her past, done jail time, etc. I called a couple places, but can''t remember exactly how I found them. It might also have been through the family court system. They do charge $, but I think it would be worth it for your peace of mind.

 

[Puppmom]

NYPrincess, you said something that totally makes sense - about her thinking of him as a knight in shining armor. I definitely think there''s some truth to that. Think about it, she doesn''t know him so she can only imagine him being wonderful. She''s a teenager and I''m *mean* so why wouldn''t she wonder if life would be easier/better with him around.

Smurfy, thanks for the tips on the internet search blocks. We definitely have to add some strong parental controls for this and other reasons related to being a teenager. She''s gotten pretty crafty and has begun deleting internet history. Up until recently she didn''t know that existed

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 2/12/2010 6:57:05 PM
Author: Aloros
As far as the supervised visitation, there are places that offer this, and I think you can ask social services for referrals. They will sit in the same room, and some will even take notes. I think you can stipulate that he not ask her specifics about where she lives, I''m not sure. On the other hand, she''s 15, and you might have to just trust her not to say. I think at that age she can follow that, especially if you emphasize that it''s important.


My memory on all this is a bit fuzzy. DH and I looked into this before, since my stepson''s mother has also had drug issues in her past, done jail time, etc. I called a couple places, but can''t remember exactly how I found them. It might also have been through the family court system. They do charge $, but I think it would be worth it for your peace of mind.

Actually, do they allow prison visits for kids that age? If you could go with her... it would give her more realistic picture of her dad than anything you could tell her.

One other thing to consider is how charismatic he is.

 

[zoebartlett]

I have no advice for you other than to contact support services and the pros, and I know that''s been suggested. It''s a tough situation to be in, and I wish I had more advice for you. I can understand why your daughter is interested in getting to know who her father is after all this time, but I also know how much of a security issue this can raise for you.

 

[rainwood]

Puppmom -

If your daughter''s BD has proven himself to be a threat to you or your family (and by that I mean he has done things in the past that threatened YOUR safety, not just that he''s been convicted of violent crimes against others) then you shouldn''t be reluctant to tell your daughter the truth. You''ve said you''re afraid of freaking her out or bad-mouthing her father, but imagine how freaked out she would be if she does initiate contact and something bad were to happen. There''s nothing wrong with telling your daughter the truth so long as you''re sticking to actual facts about the potential for violence.

What I''m not clear on is whether the BD is an actual threat to you. You''ve said he''s been convicted of violent crimes, and that he''s immature, and maybe has some mental issues, but I''m not sure why you''re afraid for your safety. Someone who is a convicted bank robber using a firearm has been convicted of a violent crime, but that doesn''t mean he''s a threat to you. Or if he''s assaulted others, but never shown an actual tendency for domestic violence then he isn''t necessarily a threat to you. But if he has threatened or assaulted you or family members in the past, then your daughter should be made aware of that. She''s 14, she can handle it, and it''s better for her to know there''s risk involved for everyone in contacting this man than for her to stumble into a dangerous situation unknowingly. And if the man is a threat, he''s still a threat when she''s 18 so she needs to know the actual facts concerning her father, and the reason why you''re not willing to let them have contact.

If the BD hasn''t shown he''s a threat to you or your family, but is someone who makes bad choices in life or whose occasional parenting causes your daughter disappointment, that''s a different matter. I agree that you should let her have contact in that instance (maybe limiting it so that his bad choices don''t rub off on her) and let her decide for herself whether her BD is a "turd" as Purrfect Pear called it. My BD left my mother while she was pregnant with me, and neither my older sister nor I saw him when we were younger. I was 11 when I finally met him for the first time. Despite his atrocious behavior, my mother never said anything bad about him and let us decide for ourselves what we thought of him and the extent of contact we''d like to have. I''ve always admired her for doing that. My sister and I ended up deciding that he didn''t warrant a meaningful place in our lives, and we were okay with that because we made that decision for ourselves. It was also not a situation where our safety was at risk. If he''d been a threat to us, my mother would have protected us everyway she knows how, including telling us the truth.

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 2/12/2010 5:27:32 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 2/12/2010 5:25:05 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved

PP, it''s not quite always that easy especially if he has a violent past. It''s usually more complicated than simply being a turd.


I asked a friend of mine about your concerns as she is in the exact same situation only her dd is 4 right now.

She mentioned that you google your name, anyone related to you, etc. to see if anything pops up and to remove your name immediately from whatever that may be.


Also mentioned there is a way to program certain words or keywords to be blocked from being searched on computers. Although if she is 15 I''m sure that''s not the only computer she has access to.


if she''s trying to locate him because she has questions...she could tell her daughter to start a journal and everytime she''s struggling with it - to write it down and then it can be discussed

He was incarcerated already during the first 5 years.

Something''s missing.

I''m pretty sure there is a LOT missing...how on earth could she recap 15 years with details in her post? Point?

 

[Hest88]

My best friend had twin daughters by an ex with...um...quite a past. Drugs, yes, violence yes, and came from a family wealthy enough where he could have caused trouble if he''d wanted. Before they were born, she cut off all ties with him and moved across the country. I suspect it may not have been that easy if they had been boys, since he was an old-school "only boys matter" type of guy. She refused to discuss the father with the twins and pretty much made it clear that wasn''t a topic of conversation and that he was the type of man she didn''t want her daughters knowing. The twins were adopted by her now husband when they were five, so they never actually knew their father at all.

When one of the girls was in college she confessed that back in high school she had done a surreptitious search for her father but dropped it after a bit, even though she had grown up in loving household with a loving father who never treated her like anything but his own.

I know this story doesn''t help at all, but I do think any black and white declarations of "all fathers short of child abusers should be able to have a relationship with their child" to "the mother should have blanket decision-making power no matter what" doesn''t take into account the complexities of real life.

I do worry about your DD''s bio dad. He doesn''t have to be violent to be a threat. He can be charming to her and lead her into situations you wouldn''t want her to be in. He can "hint" that as her bio dad he may need some financial help and he doesn''t need to be violent if your DD begs you to help him. There are many scenarios that could threaten the stability of your family that have nothing to do with anything as extreme as violence--though it sounds like that''s not beyond the realm of possibility either. Maybe because I work in a city where I frequently have to be on the lookout for scammers, I''m rather more sensitive to many the ways one''s life can be disrupted when dealing with someone who might be unethical.

I like VRBeauty''s idea best actually. It seems safest compromise. Tell her you''ll help her investigate but you reserve the right to have her wait to initiate contact with him until she''s 18 if you''re worried about what you''ll find.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/12/2010 4:11:02 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
When kids get older, they can feel very lost and incomplete not knowing one or both of their biological parents. And unfortunately, this issue probably isn't going to go away until your daughter gets the answers or closure she needs.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. But my grandmother was adopted in the 1930's and searched for 50 years to try to find her biological mother only to discover that she had died 15 years earlier. It's not something that's going to go away. If she wants to deal with it now, you'll have to face it in a manner that is going to keep her safe and keep your family protected.

I'm glad you're getting professional help. This is certainly a tough situation and I wish you the best.

They CAN, but they don't always. I'm 27, soon to be 28, and INSATIABLY curious. If I want to find out something, there is NOTHING that will stop me until that curiosity is satisfied.

I was adopted by my parents when I was 2 days old. I have never known anyone else as my parents. I have ALWAYS known I was adopted. My parents were always very upfront about it, and would answer any questions I ever had. I never really had any though--my parents were my parents and I didn't care about my shared genetic code with a person I had never met.

About a year before she died, my mom gave me a folder. The one and only piece of paper that my parents have that has my bio mother's name on it. I had never had any interest in anything about her except for medical history. My mom had been going through her old stuff and happened across it. Until then she hadn't know of it's existence because it was buried in a pile of other adoption and legal forms. She had always offered any and all resources she could provide, and her help to find my bio mother if I wanted to--she never restricted me from doing so.

So, if I really wanted to I could find my bio mother. That insatiable curiosity has never kicked in with her. I don't know that it ever will.


With my background and after reading through these posts, I think that VRBeauty's suggestion of doing an internet search with her is a good idea. But I also like rainwood's idea of letting her figure it out for herself, but perhaps when she's older, 14/15 is a very impressionable age. I have always had the option of finding out what I wanted to, and just never wanted to find out badly enough. But she's 14, going on 15, and that's a really tough age. They want to rebel, they want to do what they want to do, and that's it.

Good luck, and certainly keep us updated.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks again everyone for your input - it is MUCH appreciated to have outsiders'' input. Friends and family simply *don''t like* him so it''s hard to get sound advice.

In terms of BD being a physical threat to DD and myself, there were instances that do make me afraid for our safety. He''s sought me out in public places and ripped her from my grip and walked off with her (more than once), he''s tried to enter my apartment in the middle of the night and he''s threatened me. He has NEVER actually physically laid his hands on DD or me. This was all several years ago (our last contact being almost exactly 10 years ago) obviously but that doesn''t make me any less afraid especially since his criminal record continues to accumulate. Since I don''t see him, this is my only means for determining if anything''s changed.

Obviously, I can''t recap 15 years in a single post on a message board and that makes it difficult for people to draw conclusions - I get that. I have still found your insight to be helpful...because honestly, I hadn''t even considered contact before. To be blunt - seeing him scares the $%^! out of me. But, the reality is even if we do wait until DD is an *adult* to facilitate contact, she will be 18 in 3 years. At that point, I know I''ll still be nervous because we''ll have a 3 year old at home and I don''t think I''ll be any less worried about DD just because she''s 18. I guess my point is, I know I can''t avoid him forever because there will come a time that I''ll have no choice in the matter. I would rather facilitate it at a time where I can still have some input.

All of this is assuming he wants contact. Although we''ve never told him where we live after our last move, we''re pretty easy to find. I do think that if we reached out he would agree to see her, he''s just not motivated enough to do anything on his own.

We are going to talk to DD some time this weekend and for now discourage contact. We will seek the help of a family therapist ASAP then determine our next steps. Doing nothing is not an option.

Thanks again - I think we have a long road ahead of us. I knew this wasn''t going to be easy.

 

[Puppmom]

I didn''t mean to contradict myself in my last post when I said BD ripped her from my grip then in the next sentence said he has never laid hands on us. It was like I said he did then no he didn''t. What I meant by not laying hands on us is that he has never attempted to physically hurt either of us. On multiple occasions, BD would be scheduled for his visitation to start at 1. After he didn''t show up for several hours, I would take DD out. He came to the mall, the playground and once a restaurant and grabbed her from me. In terms of being *physical* - that was the extent of it.

Man, between the pregnancy hormones and this new challenge, my head is spinning!

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 2/13/2010 5:25:52 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 2/12/2010 4:11:02 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

When kids get older, they can feel very lost and incomplete not knowing one or both of their biological parents. And unfortunately, this issue probably isn''t going to go away until your daughter gets the answers or closure she needs.


I know this isn''t what you want to hear. But my grandmother was adopted in the 1930''s and searched for 50 years to try to find her biological mother only to discover that she had died 15 years earlier. It''s not something that''s going to go away. If she wants to deal with it now, you''ll have to face it in a manner that is going to keep her safe and keep your family protected.


I''m glad you''re getting professional help. This is certainly a tough situation and I wish you the best.

They CAN, but they don''t always. I''m 27, soon to be 28, and INSATIABLY curious. If I want to find out something, there is NOTHING that will stop me until that curiosity is satisfied.


I was adopted by my parents when I was 2 days old. I have never known anyone else as my parents. I have ALWAYS known I was adopted. My parents were always very upfront about it, and would answer any questions I ever had. I never really had any though--my parents were my parents and I didn''t care about my shared genetic code with a person I had never met.


About a year before she died, my mom gave me a folder. The one and only piece of paper that my parents have that has my bio mother''s name on it. I had never had any interest in anything about her except for medical history. My mom had been going through her old stuff and happened across it. Until then she hadn''t know of it''s existence because it was buried in a pile of other adoption and legal forms. She had always offered any and all resources she could provide, and her help to find my bio mother if I wanted to--she never restricted me from doing so.


So, if I really wanted to I could find my bio mother. That insatiable curiosity has never kicked in with her. I don''t know that it ever will.



With my background and after reading through these posts, I think that VRBeauty''s suggestion of doing an internet search with her is a good idea. But I also like rainwood''s idea of letting her figure it out for herself, but perhaps when she''s older, 14/15 is a very impressionable age. I have always had the option of finding out what I wanted to, and just never wanted to find out badly enough. But she''s 14, going on 15, and that''s a really tough age. They want to rebel, they want to do what they want to do, and that''s it.


Good luck, and certainly keep us updated.

OffTopic:

Freakchild - same here. Was adopted at 2mo and have never had any interest in finding my bio. parents. My parents were up front from the beginning. I recently read the book "The Primal Wound" and found some parts very interesting, some I didn''t feel applied to me at all though because I''ve never had the conscious awareness of fear of abandonment. Very interesting for anyone that is adopted or thinking of adopting a child.

 

[jewelz617]

I didn''t mean to imply that everyone feels this way, but that some can. I''m sure there are tons of completely happy well adjusted kids who have no desire to meet someone who had no part in raising them.

But in my family experience, that was not the case. And all I can really go by is my own personal experience watching my grandmother struggle with never knowing her mother or father.

On the flip side, a good friend of mine was adopted at 10 months old. She''s curious about meeting her birth mother but it''s mostly the curiosity factor rather than a source of angst or pain. She grew up with really wonderful parents and had a great childhood. Curiosity is normal, I just wanted to make the point that if her daughter is interested now it''s best to deal with it as a family rather than hoping it will go away. I think bringing in professional help is a great idea, because whoever mediates will be able to make this go as smoothly as possible.