help...?! * (ps. mara, if you could chime in too!)

[sparkly_stars]

okay.
first. this Q is to mara, because i remember reading one of your post about an ex that treated you great, and was a great guy but you broke up with him knowing he wasn''t the one.
i was wondering if you wouldn''t mind elaborating on that?

i ask, and this will be directed to all (especially if you have any advice!)
i''ve been with D for 2 and a half years, i''m young bla bla. i thougth he was THE one, i still love him etc etc, and i know my hesitant-ness is part of my age. also, its not to say he ISNT the one, but I fear a lot of things now, as we grow together, and as i realize this is "it" or could potentially be IT, and think.. hmm, you know what i''m YOUNG and its FOREVER.
i know that i''m very mature for my age, with a great career. but i fear this isn''t right.
there''s tons of pros and cons, and i''ll get into them eventually, i''m just wondering for all you ladies, for the ones that "got away, you let get away, or were bad bad catches" could you take a second and share what made you know!?


mara- i actually wanted to put ATTENTION mara in the title, but i''ve seen you reply in a few of these threads on the dear ol'' LIW, and in general, your outlook on things represents a lot of how i feel. and to see you NOW married to greg, but knowing you had someone before, i just figured i''d take the time to ask !

sorry so long. i think i covered my initial question tho!

 

[anchor31]

Dear sparkly,

I''m your age, and J and I have been together for just a little longer than you and D (going on 3 and a half), so I thought I might share my experience.

When I met J almost 4 years ago at 17, I certainly wasn''t looking for a husband. I''d had only one serious relationship before, at 16, with a depressive and possessive control-freak who wanted to prevent me from going away for junior college, and wanted to marry me as soon as I turned 18. I ended the relationship quickly and he attempted suicide. So... I wasn''t exactly looking for something serious when I met J...

J and I started dating after seeing each other for 8 months. After a whole year of relationship, I still wasn''t ready for him to tell me I was "The One", because it reminded me of my ex and it scared me. However, what changed my mind about him (and men in general) is when he not only let me leave 400 miles away for college, but he actually encouraged me to. Along with my family, he was my #1 supporter. I was stunned and relieved, and it was then that I started considering that he might be someone I would consider spending my life with. So I left, and unfortunately hated it, and again, he supported me and encouraged me through my dilemmas about coming back or not. He never ever expressed frustration about me changing my mind every week because I was confused, calling him all any hour of the day or night because I was lonely and depressed, and he always said that I should do what was right for me. He never pushed me to come back, even though I knew it''s what he would have liked. That Easter, I gave him a white rose and told him it represents eternal love... a love I was ready to give him. He got the message: we started talking marriage a few months later and got engaged a year later.

During my 9 months as a LIW on this forum, I did have second thoughts once or twice. Once, about two months after he''d told me he was planning on proposing in 2006, I called him in panic, asking him if we were doing the right thing. I was worried about pushing him, I was worried about pushing us, I was worried about everything... And I asked myself the same question you''re asking yourself now. It''s a huge decision, and it proves you have a good head on your shoulder that you''re asking yourselves these questions. J explained to me calmly why he wanted to propose to me and marry me, and said that if I was having doubts, he understood, and he was ready to wait longer. I took a couple of days to myself and finally realised that even though he has habits or whatever that get on my nerves sometimes, he truly makes me happy, makes me a better person, and imagining a life without him... I just couldn''t. We are each other''s closest friends and biggest fans, we make one heck of a team!

So, first, I think those questions are completely justified. It is forever, and it is big. And scary. Second, if you''re having doubts, take a few days just to yourself. They may prove very enlightening! You know, it might be him who''s not "the one", but maybe you''re just not ready. Not everyone''s ready at the same time, some people have different values and priorities.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

 

[Mara]

hi sparkly...!

yep i was with someone great before i met greg. i was young too, we started dating when i was umm i think about 21? and then we broke up after i had just turned 25. we were together for like 3.5 years. anyway...he was a wonderful man and he treated me very well and loved me. we talked about marriage in the beginning of our relationship, mostly jokingly. then we moved in together, and i don't know...we just got complacent. and living with him, and seeing him on a daily basis i just realized over time that he was not who i wanted to marry and grow old with. there were some really great qualities about him, and then there were some things i just didn't really love about him, long term. just a few things that kind of bothered me about his outlook on life...his views. i thought time and time again...if i could CHOOSE who to be with and just make it work and be the right person, i'd choose him because my life was really wonderful with him and pretty easy. he was a great catch and he loved me. but my heart was not buying it. i felt like finally after a year of mentally trying to talk myself back into the relationship that it was unfair to us both...and so we talked, and ended it and i moved out. it was really hard to do because you are basically feeling like you failed...but on the other hand i was really excited because part of what had bothered me with him was that i felt 'trapped' by this adult, mature lifestyle we were leading. and i kept thinking, gosh i am 22...gosh i am 23...gosh i am 24...etc. and then at 25 i was like yanno it's not going to go away and i want something DIFFERENT for my life. i felt trapped, stifled, frustrated by my feelings and also our life together. i felt like i was playing house or faking being an adult and all i wanted was to get out and 'experience' more of life. i felt like somehow i was missing out and i'd be wrong to tie myself to this life forever. this was ALL ME in terms of internalizing my feelings by the way. when i moved out it was for kind of a 'trial separation' but i felt so amazingly free...and on my own, i loved it, independent. i was determined to date a bunch of people and just have fun! everything i felt like i was missing for the last 3-4 years. the funniest part is that i wanted absolutely nothing serious. i dated 2-3 people a few times but nothing big, just going out...and went out a alot with friends. doing what i had been dreaming of for 3 years. but then i met greg about 7 months after moving out and being on my own and i was thinking wow i like this guy but man i don't want to be serious!! and he did not just want to casually date. there was just something about him that made me want to hang onto him and continue to see him. greg has so many of the qualities that my ex had but then he has all these other wonderful qualities that my ex did not have...and that is what drew me to him.

so it's funny because it could have easily been a case of wrong timing with greg but i felt like something might be there and i wanted to explore it. and it ended up being right. after we broke up...my ex and i stayed friends and hung out but once i got together with greg we didn't really see each other very often anymore, that summer he also met a gal and ended up getting engaged to her within the year and they have been married now for almost 4 years i think, like a year longer than me and greg. the funny thing is that he always said (my ex) he would never date a woman with a child, it just wasn't his thing, and the gal he met and married had a 6 year old. so i think it was just 'right' for him too. after my ex and i broke up, i realized it wasn't just that i was playing at acting adult and i wanted to experience life, i really wanted to experience life *away from my ex*. it was like an epiphany. and i don't regret the years i spent with him because of course all the experiences shape you into who you are today...but i thought wow i wish i had listened to my inner-me a bit ago. hahaha.

anyway, i do think that there are 'normal' jitters about gosh this is forever and is this right. i had those too with greg right before we got engaged. but where it was super different for me was that i always had these doubts with my ex because we were friends first, then we got together kinda randomly (aka he was really into me and i think i was flattered), and i never really quite knew if we were right to want to date each other...and then we just kind of stayed together because it was easy. but i questioned our relationship for much of the time we were together. with greg...i was very happy for a year, then we had a mini breakup after a year... and when we got back together (against many odds) ... i realized that he WAS what i wanted long term. for the first time i could see us together when we were older. i could see us having a long-term life together, a future, a plan. that is something i always wanted with my ex and just could never mentally reach that comfort zone. so i really felt it very strongly with greg for a long time, about another year and a half til we got engaged. never wavered in that he was the one. right around getting engaged i had a small panic like omg is this right, it's forever, what am i doing...but i just reminded myself that i was SO SURE before and that i should trust that feeling i had for almost 2 years about greg, not the feelings i was having right then which were emotionally induced from fear of the future and failing and all that. so i got over it fairly quickly and that was that.

so to me there are two types of fears about forever and the future. there's the natural fear of forever, fear of failing, fear of losing the person you love, fear of things changing in your life, fear of divorce, fear of life taking you in a direction you aren't happy with etc. and then there is the fear of 'is this person REALLY the one for me forever and ever and do i REALLY feel that or am i trying to convince myself'. and if it's something you have questioned many times before or you are really unsure in your heart, then i wouldn't take the marriage step. because i have felt both feelings. and i knew when one was wrong and i couldn't make my HEART buy the story i was selling. and then there was the feeling of natural fear of something that feels so right, you are afraid to change it or lose it.

i'm sorry this is so long but hopefully you can relate to some of it. because i had felt the 'i want to want this person so badly but it's just not happening' feeling before, it was really wonderful to feel the 'sure' feeling after how tortured i had made myself in my previous relationship. so if it's more natural fear you are feeling, don't buy into it. forever is scary but everything in life is scary too...nothing is guaranteed, so if you do feel like this guy is the one for you...then grab onto it and hold it. good luck!!

ETA ... one of the other things that popped into my mind about the huge differences mentally between the two men. one thing that always bugged me about my ex is if i had insecurities about our relationship i couldn't talk to him about them. he'd take it as a personal affront that i wasn't happy or something. so i really internalized a lot of it and obsessed on it. but with greg, i could tell him how i was feeling and the funniest part is he has such a big ego (my darling leo!) that it didn't even occur to him that he should worry or anything! which he shouldn't have of course...but he could sit there and i could pour out my mental freak out or whatever (aka right before we got engaged) and he was like...oh come on, you wanted this before and i'm such a catch, so what changed? it's just your mind playing tricks on you. and i was like YEAH. good point!! whereas my ex would be like what do you mean, you aren't sure about me? and he'd take it personally. and it would end up being me consoling him or whatever and assuring him it was not him. drama!! hehe.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m not Mara either, but I''ve been around the proverbial dating block a few times and met a lot of nice men (and a lot of not so nice men), none of which were the right person for me to marry. I don''t believe there is "the one"; I believe there are people we are compatible with that come into our lives at the wrong time, becausee we''re not ready yet or dating someone else, etc. And then there is a person who comes into your life at the right time under the right set of circumstances and then there''s developing feelings for that person then falling in like and dating and falling in love and friendship and a commitment to be together through thick and thin which results in marriage. That person for me was my now husband, John. And he came into my life when I was an independent, whole and content person. I had a full life and had defined who I was and am (with the right to tweak it as time goes on) and was ready to share that with someone, but only the right someone.

Questioning ones relationship is normal and healthy and really quite a good idea!!! I questioned my current relationship prior to moving 500 miles to be near him and again before we became engaged. And I determined that we both have faults and annoying habits, but I love his faults and annoying habits (and he loves mine) and we work well together and when we don''t we compromise and fix things that aren''t working.

The relationships that didn''t work for many reasons (not each relationship contained all of these elements but they did each contain at least one of them): because I lost myself in them, because I was too young, too naive and had yet to define myself as a person, because there was too much chaos, because it wasn''t time for me or my partner to settle down.

I dated a man for 4 years, from 18-22, he was a great guy, fun, nice, handsome, etc. But he came with some baggage that was too much for me to handle, especially at such a young age. My mom still sees him around town every once in a while and he is the same nice, fun, handsome guy. And I am so glad I have John.

Everyone lives in different sets of circumstances that dictate what is best for them. It''s up to you to determine if your fears are because "forever" is scary (and believe me it is scary sometimes) or is it because the two of you aren''t compatible in the long term. Easier said than done, I know.

Anyways, I hope my rambling helps you, if only just a little bit, in seeking clarification about what''s best for you.

 

[sparkly_stars]

Anchor - I''m thrilled, I am glad you replied, although in a lot of ways I don''t relate in the fear thing.. the thing is .. I don''t think this is the "fear that is normal". because I know myself, and I know that it''s not because I don''t want to get married. I DO! I very much do. but there are so many things about THIS relationship that I don''t know if I can be commited to "forever and ever". I appreciate your advice since you are either MY age or a year older (I think you are 21 turning 22 or already 22) I am 21.

so yes. young. that doesn''t change that if I knew it was right, I''d be convinced and ready.


MARA- I KNEW I would relate to your story. and thank you for making it long. I swear reading your looong post, that I was ALMOST talking about myself. I love him. he is GREAT to me, we share good times. how long have I been having these thoughtS? mmmm. seriously thinking things over maybe a bit more then a month. but heres the thing. throughout our relationship, we''ve been through certain obsticles that made us "strong" (i.e over xmas last year he crashed his car and broke his neckkk..) and in MARCH we went through something BAD that almost ended us there.
the thing is. the way we started was EXACTLY how you and your ex started "he really liked me and i was flattered" .... well. likewise.
i think i was so determined into thinking HE was the one, and having myself trying to well.. convince myself BECAUSE boys/men that I dated all before were JERKS, and he seemed to be the ONLY great guy.
but communication wise. we suck. a lot. he doesn''t deal with things AT ALL like I do. I like to talk.. a lot. and he never has ANYTHING EVER TO SAY BACK! lol.
that being said. NO I didnt mean someone I''d leave him for, but I DID meet someone who made me realize THERE ARE GREAT MEN OUT THERE. and I dont NEED to settle at 21 if I''m not HAPPY.



yes, so maybe I "know" the outcome of where we are.
I''d be happy if D and I could work out, but at this point, I think part of me has decided (i would NEVER have anyone make my choice for what I do.. meaning another person coming into my life would NEVER be the reason for me to ending a relationship. we have our own problems, and whereas we''ve been together SO long, I want to make sure that I make this decision wisely. (I will try to avoid being one of those girls who breaks up 500 0 00 0 00 0 000 times and goes back together.)

so mara. wow.
and how DID you deal with the break? (i would also need to move out) and that. well its A LOT. I almost feel i need a mini vacation to deal with all of it together (my job is somewhat high stress haha).

KIMBERLYH - thank you for replying. when I asked for mara''s advice, it wasn''t a restriction to anyone else! it was only because I remembered a post she had made that rang home with me in regards to her ex. and i had a lot of admiration for her for what she did. and knew that i could benefit from her advice/experience!! But what you said is great! I think re-evaluating things IS good, and I think it is needed by all. Its like I said above. if D and i work out. AWESOME. if we don''t. it''ll be a long thing coming. I love hearing of stories such as yours (big move, big engagement) and I want that.
I dont believe my age, and my wants reflect the relationship, because if I knew he was right. if i felt OKAY with all. i would go in this full fledge. and i was. but i''ve "pulled the reigns" (spelling?) sort of speak". I need to figure things out.


and like i said. i met someone. no, no one I''d ever cheat with d. no one i''d ever leave d for (because i believe my issues with d are greater and have their own rights to be resolved) SO. that being said. i now feel like a naive-ness i had has been lifted from my shoulders.
i kept thinking. and convincing myself that "i can make this work. we are completely different. but he is SO nice".
i think it might take more then that.


thank you, all 3 of you. because you all bring things to my attention that help.

 

[sparkly_stars]

ps. you know what. i dont want to make it sound like d isnt great. HE IS THE BEST.
and we''ve had a lot of serious talks lately (basically ME talking - which irritates me) but, anyways, a lot of talking that MAYBE there IS better fitted people, and that we MAY NOT be right for each other. I''m trying to give him a chance in all this. and not just spring it all at once.
but so far convos lead to "ackward night afterwards, because I talk break up, wants/needs we have" and then things go back to normal the next day (on his part) as if nothing was wrong.
at this point, I dont have it in me to keep talking about it every day. because he says "i know , i know"
and with work, I''m just doing extra work, hanging with friends keeping myself busy. until i can face this head forward.


AH this was supposed to be a small note.
god.
haha.

 

[HOUMedGal]

AUTHOR: Mara

so to me there are two types of fears about forever and the future. there''s the natural fear of forever, fear of failing, fear of losing the person you love, fear of things changing in your life, fear of divorce, fear of life taking you in a direction you aren''t happy with etc. and then there is the fear of ''is this person REALLY the one for me forever and ever and do i REALLY feel that or am i trying to convince myself''. and if it''s something you have questioned many times before or you are really unsure in your heart, then i wouldn''t take the marriage step. because i have felt both feelings. and i knew when one was wrong and i couldn''t make my HEART buy the story i was selling. and then there was the feeling of natural fear of something that feels so right, you are afraid to change it or lose it.

I just have to chime in and say that I totally agree about the two different kinds of fears; I''ve felt both of them too.

I dated a guy (pretty seriously) for 2 years before I started dating my hubby. I should have known that the first guy wasn''t for me....I actually ended up cheating on him a little over a year into our relationship, then coming to my senses and stopping the affair and dating the boyfriend for another year. And that is SO not me....I had never cheated on anyone else, and I have never ONCE even had the slightest desire to be with or even approach another guy besides my hubby since we very first started dating. So I think during that relationship, what led me to cheat were the fears/doubts I was having about not knowing if this guy was really everything I wanted...he obviously wasn''t, because I went looking for it in someone else. Not proud of it, but it happened, and it taught me something about the relationship and led me to the eventual truth that it had to end.

On the other hand, once I started dating Rich about 9 months after I broke up with the previous boyfriend, I had an experience with the OTHER kind of fear. When we first started dating, I thought, OK, he''s cool, this should be fun, don''t know if it''ll be serious, but he''s interesting and I''d like to get to know him better. So he continued to work his way into my life and my heart, and I woke up one morning around our 4 month dating anniversary scared shitless! All of a sudden, I had realized that I REALLY loved this guy, that I loved him so much that he might be IT, and that I was super scared, because what if he didn''t feel the same way? What if I were to lose him somehow? What would I do without him? What if, what if, what if??? It was the kind of fear that comes from the realization of one''s vulnerability when they come to realize that their heart is inextricably wound up in this other person.

And so from that day on with Rich, I knew. The fear didn''t instantly go away, it took some time, but before long I was surfing the web, found Pscope, and started obsessing about my ring.

I think it''s key to figure out just where any fears/doubts are stemming from...is it because you feel unfullfilled, like you still have things to do and people to meet before making such a huge commitment? Or is it just fear because you feel vulnerable, which is natural and healthy...because love does make us vulnerable.

 

[sparkly_stars]

thanks houmedgal- i am regretfull to say i think its the first fear. the bad kind. the kind that i MAY just know it isnt right.
i''ve been thinking about it for around a month + and I trying to look at EVERYTHING before I make my final choice.

I appreciate all the stories you ladies have given me, because it would be impossible for me to sit here and tell you ALL of the details, which also means it would be impossible for me to expect precise advice ! BUT I can live and make my own advice off all your experience
so thank you!

 

[KimberlyH]

Sparkly,

I am glad you are taking the time to explore your feelings. And remember, just because a guy is "great" doesn''t mean he''s right for you. I always tell my husband "you''re perfect for me; " the "for me" part is key, because there''s no such things a perfect.

Never feel guilty for D not being "the one" if, in fact, he isn''t. Be proud of yourself for choosing to take the hard road as opposed to getting married because you''re comfortable.

I was engaged before I met John. The man was a complete jerk, so in that sense it isn''t comparible to your relationship, but leaving was difficult, cancelling a wedding that involved calling 250 guests was difficult(they were all OOT and while invites hadn''t been sent, STDs had), seeing all the money my parents had wasted on a wedding that wasn''t to be was painful, you get the point.

YOu have to be right with yourself when you look in the mirror, as trite as it may sound. And if you guys aren''t good together but stay out of comfort you are preventing each other from meeting the person who is good with you.

Again, best of luck as you soul search.

 

[jcrow]

this is such a great & important topic.

i thought i''d add my situation to the mix.

i dated someone for 4 years. he was great, but i knew i wanted more. there were things that didn''t jive between us- we wanted different things in life. but for the time being, we were together- probably a lot of it was because it was safe. it was what we knew. he family was so great. his mom was like the mom i always longed for. he and i went through some scary stuff. and yes, there were moments that i had a little thought in the back of my head wondering if we were meant to be because we''d gone through this stuff and made it. we dated the last 3 years of my college and my first year of work post college.

i worked with a girl who was dating a great guy. he treated her like gold. and several things that i didn''t like about my then boyfriend didn''t exist with this guy. (i know this sounds weird, just follow me here) watching their relationship made lots of things just ding in my head. he made me realize that great guys are still out there, not just the same typical ones i knew and/or dated.

one day the girl and i were talking. she mentioned that she had dated this great guy previously. he was on his way to be a doctor. her family loved him. he was great. she told me something i found so profound, yet so simple. she said there was nothing wrong with him or their relationship. she just knew he wasn''t the one. so she ended it.

my then boyfriend and i broke up. i was heartbroken. it was a horribly rough patch of my life. within one week, i found out my company was downsizing - thus i needed to find a new job and at the time i was certain this meant moving away from everything i''ve ever known- i was going through a break-up, having to sorta move out - though i technically never lived there - and i found out that the girl (my co-worker) was moving away to another state. oh, and did i mention that i basically had no friends? offically they had all moved away. i thought i was destined to grow old all alone.

i made it through that crappy time. i found a new job. met lots of new co-workers that i started hanging out socially with. i started dating and having a good time. during this period i met a really great guy. really everything i ever was looking for... except it wasn''t right. i remembered the girl''s advice and i basically ended it.

the girl ended up getting engaged to her boyfriend. and asked me to be her only bridesmaid. she said that i should really met her fiance''s brother. didn''t think anything of it. well - ok i was excited but didn''t want to get my hopes up. he didn''t even live in my state and i''d never had a long distance relationshiop. but i''m getting ahead of myself. the brother and i met. and it was perfect. he was perfect- for me. it was so surreal. so right. it was so strange how easy it was. everything just fit. he ended up moving here and a year later we got engaged. we marry in a few weeks!

so i know a bit about wanting something to work so badly but knowing deep inside it isn''t right. i also have had the joy of everything working out so well it''s surprising.

 

[KimberlyH]

Just wanted to add that I went through the scary medical trauma as well, with Mr. Nice of 4 years. He went head first over a bicycle and would up in a comma and awoke with no short term memory. It dominated our lives for a year of our relationship. It still didn''t create enough of a bond for us to stay together. It did suck the life out of me though.

 

[Mara]

sparkly...well it sounds like at least you are aware of what is going on in your mind which is a great step. i think i was mentally in denial for a year or more about what lay in the future for my ex and i, i think that i thought if i wanted it badly enough and wished it hard enough it could just happen. but obviously that is not the case. it was very hard for me to end the relationship, we had a talk and we had talks like this before about being unsure (mostly me) and all this but we had nevrer really followed up on anything we said...about changing the relationship, or breaking up or anything. and this time i was like no i'm serious. we need to take a break. i need to move out and be on my own. part of it was that i had never lived on my own before...i had gone from living with family to living with him and 'keeping house'. so moving out and being entirely on my own was scary...i found a cool gal roommate and a cute apartment within a week and moved and i also started a new job that same month. so it was kind of a fun but stressful time but more fun than stressful. i think it was because we stayed friends...aka this was not a 'i hate you' get out kinda thing, it was more like we need to take a break and each be apart for a while and if we gravitate back together it's going to be because we really want it and not because it's convenient or lazy or whatever. and when i got out and was on my own and LOVED IT, i knew that i would never go back. i would still go over and stay on weekends and the relationship just kind of slowly petered out over the month that i moved out. and then i was fully on my own. we'd still talk and i'd go over and hang out (which in retrospect was probably unfair since i think he still wanted to be with me)...but then i started making more of my own friends, and doing more of my own thing, and really just growing more independent. so in actuality it was not a really hard breakup for me at all. then i met greg and he met his gal and that was that. he still actually keeps in touch with my sister because he was such a big part of my 'family' that they still ask about him and stuff. we don't really keep in touch (though i know about his life through mutual friends) but i know he still talks to my middle sister (who was younger when we were dating and she really idolized him in a kind of mentor way). hi slife seems good and he seems happy. i'm happy he found the right fit for him.

because he IS a wonderful man. he treated me wonderfully, he loved me, and we had a lovely life together. but he was not the right one for me. and once you really know that...you can't go back and you can't change it. i figured well if i leave and it's right we WILL end up together. and we just didn't. that says it all really yanno. i felt kind of guilty for a while, but in reality i was honest with him and that is all anyone can ask for. he knew i was unsure for a while and we just both kind of stayed in that rut.

and funny we kind of had a big medical thing while together as well (he actually fell while we were moving and broke his jaw and had to have it wired which led to some of the most stressful months of my life (and painful months of his))...and we had other things that really bonded us...but it didn't matter in the end. we just were not meant to be together. i don't believe in 'the one' necessarily, i agree there are people in your life that you meet that could be a right person for you depending on your stage in life, but he was just never one of those people for me. and i think i knew it in the beginning but wanted to see where pursuing it would take me. and in youth you do have that time to explore, so you should take advantage of it. but marriage IS very serious and you do have time...so there is no rush.

anyhow, i think that you know what's in your heart, it's funny you say that about meeting someone else who showed you that your guy is not the end all to be all of men. and really no man is i think. there's always something that could be better about the one you love...or easier or more romantic or whatever. but if it feels right and FITS what is important to you, then it doesn't matter what their 'shortcomings' are. but i think you will know in your heart when you have found something that fits you for long-term and that person has all the qualities that are mentally required for you to think 'okay this could be forever and i feel really good about it'.

 

[firebirdgold]

The difference between wanting the guy to be The One and the guy actually being The One is often hard to perceive. But if you''ve experienced the former and you''ve found the right guy, the difference suddenly becomes glaringly obvious. Unfortunately the difference stays pretty subtle even the second or third time through the desperately wanting the guy to be your future life partner.

I think that there is usually a bit of you that tries to tell the rest, even if you figuratively have your fingers in your ears.

I don''t know about you, but I''m awfully good about deceiving myself.

One of the biggest differences to me is that I''m totally myself with my fi. Of course I would have claimed the same with the previous guy, but I knew it wasn''t true. I was always watching my temper and being careful. But now I can even snarl (literally) at my fi and all he does is laugh at me and then tries to provoke me further ''cause he thinks it''s cute.

I''ve also noticed that with my sister. Her personality always seemed to shift a little to match each bf. But with her now-husband it didn''t change a bit!

 

[sparkly_stars]

awee. this thread almost made me cry.
for two reasons.
one. because you guys'' stories were so.. touching.
second. because as much as i''d like to pretend, i think my heart has made its decision, now i think it has to do with timing.
its not to say it CANT work, but i think it would too much out of me for it to go to what i need/want.

Ironic how a lot of you had "severe injuries" that brough you closer. they kept us strong but it wasnt a bond that i think would keep us "forever"

KimberlyH- I cant imagine being in the position of calling off a wedding ...eeek

but look at your happy ending!

Jcrow- awee your story was so great! because i get the happy ending of your story (especially knowing your shortly getting married yay!)Its the worst when that "back of your head" feeling is there. because i think deep down, its been yelling at me for a while.

Mara- I think what you went through best reflects where i am now. I almost wish something would happen that would give me the real out. and make it easy to part ways. yanno? but alas, even if it doesnt, i cant take the "easy" route and stay unhappy. we''ve had A LOT of talks, and basically where were down to now is . i talk. tell you what i feel. we argue a bit. we go to bed, we pretend nothing happened (and i say we, but its more or less HIM ugh!) (but thank you! its so great to see your happy ending when you could have had an okay not miserable ending and you made that choice !)

IndieJones-" I don''t know about you, but I''m awfully good about deceiving myself." HAHA. thats me too! Me and my now bf tho are completely ourselves. but thats not enough, he knows me well, he understands me pretty okay-ly. and I completely get him.
but the end result is. i think i could have more of what i want. and i dont mean to make this selfish. but DAMNIT I wiLL!
its ME that needs to be happy.


But again, thank you.
your stories, they are what shows me i''m not asking for too much, nor am i being unreasonable (its easy to hear someone say DO WHAT U WANT, but when you see others live through what you are experiencing, even in some forms of it.. it helps!)

i am young. and at this time. thats what i keep telling myself.
only because as much as i want to get married some day. even a day that is soon, i dont want to feel like i am convincing myself OR as though in the back of my mind i could find a better match)..


pps. the guy i was refering to (who is in a similar situation then mine) brought me home made salsa today. during my lunch break. and he was nOT in the neighborhood. see. that alone. is just very nice. and makes me tingle (in an innocent way of course!)

 

[KimberlyH]

Sparkly,

I just have to reiterate how great it is that you are taking the time to examine your relationship as opposed to just letting things move forward because it''s easy and you want to get married.

Calling off a wedding was a lot better than the future I had in store (he was not a nice man and some of what I allowed him to do to me was/is unforgivable). It ended up being one of the most empowering things I''ve ever done; it made me aware that my life was exacly that, mine, and it was up to me to steer my own ship in the right direction.

It''s not selfish to want more than what you have, it''s being honest. And if I were him and you were feeling these things I''d much rather find out now than post proposal, engagement, marriage, etc.