Help me out here - sticky situation...

[rockzilla]

Hopefully you guys can give me some good ideas...

A good friend of mine is in grad school, and is in our city this summer for her summer internship. When I found out she was coming down, I offered our guest room if she needed a place to stay for a few days while looking for an apartment, etc.

Earlier this week, I got an email asking if she could stay with us for a few days...something with her sublet, etc. Well, it turns out the guy subletting her place to her for the summer, told her she had to move out and he would refund her money. And now, of course, he''s not refunding her money...she tried to find another sublet (she''s only here through the end of the money) but that fell through and now she''s in a sketchy motel.

I offered for her to stay with us (we have a guest room /office and 2 bathrooms) but my fiance is really not psyched about her staying here for 3 weeks while we are packing up to move, getting ready for the wedding, etc. I asked if she could split up her time between our place and someone else''s, and suggested she could ask a mutual friend who I know has a guest room.

Anyways, now my fiance is not super happy (even though he said, "she can stay here if the alternative is something really sketchy") and the other friend is mad at me for suggesting that she could possibly stay with her. =( I''m just trying to help out...she is a student and very broke and I know she can''t afford to even be staying in the sketchy motel (especially since she was basically ripped off by this guy)

I want to help her...I''m not jumping up and down about sharing my place for 3 weeks either, but I feel it is the right thing to do. Magic suggestions please?

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Hmm...it sounds like the reason people are unhappy is because they don''t necessarily want to share their homes and privacy with someone for 3 weeks, right? So do you think your fiance, and your friend, would be willing to chip in money to get her into a better and safer hotel? Would that be an option?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

She is not your responsibility! She's a grown up and needs to take care of herself.

You need remove yourself from the burden because 1) your fiance is "not super happy," which I take it as possibly annoyed or mad (?) and this will effect your relationship as you are planning a wedding!, and 2) sounds like you have too much on your own plate with moving and she may be a bit too "needy" for you while you have your own needs to tend to. Just because her plans didn't work out, doesn't make you automatically one to take her burdens on.

I know it's VERY hard to say no, but try and keep perspective. You're moving and will be very busy. She'll be an unnessary distraction.

To provide advice *to her* = have her file in small-claims court for refund of her money.

 

[rockzilla]

I hadn''t thought of that. We are in a pretty expensive area, so a decent hotel (e.g. holiday inn) would easily be minimum $150 a night -- which, even if we chipped in, would be significantly more than we could afford (we are getting married, moving across the country, and I am starting grad school). Plus, I don''t think she would accept that from us, either =(

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Can she find a room to rent? Look on Craig''s List? Check the bulletin boards at local colleges?

 

[D2B]

Well only you know your friend, is she always in trouble or is this the first time she is stuck and needs help. We all need help sometimes and I believe if it is genuine, then I would help, as a friend. I think yes, FI is annoyed, but I would talk to him about it and see which bit we could make work, eg when we have relatives staying over they will watch TV in the guest room rather then on the couch with us to give us some privacy, I guess there are ways around this if she is a good person who is willing to be considerate.

As I said we all need a helping hand sometimes and if it is genuine, then it is nice to be able to help.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Ditto - maybe a short sublet? Or a friend with an extra room, who might sublet THAT out to her, so the friend might be more willing to put up with a houseguest for 3 weeks?

I agree with MC though - I think it''s amazing that you''re so concerned for her and want to help, but in the end, she is also a grown-up, and there''s only so much you can do, y''know?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would suggest finding something on Craigslist...they usually have a lot available.

 

[whitby_2773]

oh c'mon....

if she's truly a friend, and you're truly a friend - give her a place to stay! what's 3 weeks out of your life? i LOVE having my friends come stay - and they have done ever since i had a place of my own - including just after i got married - and i mean JUST after! what's friendship if you can't rely on someone in a time of true need??

sometimes i think people define friendship as just being friendly. but it's more than that; it's loyalty and generosity and sharing and being there in both good and bad times. i can't imagine being stuck in a dodgy hotel/motel and my friends just LEAVING me there because they were busy or would find it inconvenient!

and i have to say, i'd be having a word to my fiance/husband if he wasn't prepared to welcome - and i mean really WELCOME - a friend of mine who was in trouble for 3 measly weeks.

charity begins at home, rockzilla - and this is a spot on example of what that saying means.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Rockzilla,

At this time of year, the Daily Bruin is filled with ads for inexpensive summer sublets of student budget-friendly apartments. In addition, the lack of demand in summer gives her a very good bargaining position. Assuming UCLA is the university with which she is going to be affiliated this summer, she should check it out. In addition, craigslist''s sublet section is active this time of year, and even walking around campus should yield lots of fliers.

In case it qualifies as a "magic suggestion": Link to Daily Bruin Housing Ads. You sound like a good friend to try and help her out at such a busy time for yourself!

 

[atroop711]

honestly I don't see why your fiance and the other friend are freaking out. It's 3 wks not 3 months or 3 yrs. If you are packing up, she can chip in and help (packing is soooo time consuming, the more ppl the better). I would hope that if I were in that situation, that my "good friends" would offer to help as I would offer to help them.

Tell your fiance it's an inconvenience but if she's truly strapped and can't find anything (which can be hard when it's all last minute), he should help out someone who truly needs it. This is how I was raised...you treat ppl how you hope they would treat you.

GL to you and to your friend

BTW I think you're a great friend for offering to help her out.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/10/2009 6:34:05 PM
Author: atroop711
honestly I don''t see why your fiance and the other friend are freaking out. It''s 3 wks not 3 months or 3 yrs. If you are packing up, she can chip in and help (packing is soooo time consuming, the more ppl the better). I would hope that if I were in that situation, that my ''good friends'' would offer to help as I would offer to help them.

Tell your fiance it''s an inconvenience but if she''s truly strapped and can''t find anything (which can be hard when it''s all last minute), he should help out someone who truly needs it. This is how I was raised...you treat ppl how you hope they would treat you.

GL to you and to your friend

BTW I think you''re a great friend for offering to help her out.

Ditto

 

[KimberlyH]

Rockzilla, I don''t have any fabulous suggestions but I do have sympathy. I have a very kind and generous husband who is not at all a fan of overnight guests. Three weeks would absolutely send him over the edge. He grew up in a family where no one ever stayed the night in his parents'' home and as a result he thinks it''s an odd thing to want to do. When we visit friends and family we always stay in hotels as he feels it''s too big an imposition to stay with anyone.

Perhaps you can help your friend find a cheap rental for the time she has to stay? Or a room to rent for a few weeks? I wish I had a great idea for you. Best of luck.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 7/10/2009 5:50:29 PM
Author: D2B
Well only you know your friend, is she always in trouble or is this the first time she is stuck and needs help.

D2B brought up a excellent question - is the friend always in trouble or is this the first time she needs help?

 

[rockzilla]

Just to clarify - she is a very responsible girl, who is on a tight budget as a student and ended up getting ripped off by someone who sublet her the apartment and then kicked her out (while telling her they'd refund her money for the remaining time...I don't know how much the rent was, but guessing somewhere over $1k, which is a LOT when you are a student). She could have refused to leave, but there were additional people with the key to the sublet, and as a single girl alone she didn't feel safe putting up a fight and having her stuff (or even herself) messed up. She is not someone irresponsible, flaky or needy, but she got scammed by some unsavory characters and, as a student, doesn't have the cash to pay for 3 weeks in a hotel/motel. She is only here for another 3 weeks for her job, which makes it tougher to find a short-term sublet.

I also look at it as...when we got this apartment, we got a 2-bedroom for a reason. One was to have an extra office/living space, and another was to host guests and friends - we even bought a trundle daybed specifically for our guests. What's the point of a guest room if you don't have guests? She's stayed here before when she's been in town for the weekend, etc.

That being said, 3 weeks is a long time to host a guest, and I've asked her, if possible to keep it to 1-2 weeks and hopefully find another suitable place to stay the rest of the time, either through friends or sublet.

She has been looking on craiglist -- that is actually where the found the scammer the first time though, so she is understandably a little spooked. I think, though, that once she is safe here, she can look for something and not feel the need to take the first crappy place that comes up because she has nowhere to live.

I agree that charity and generosity start at home -- my parents have always been exceedingly generous. Once they took in a refugee neighbor who was having financial difficulties. This is nowhere near that same level of need, but I feel that to say "hey, its her problem, she needs to figure it out" is unfair and unkind.

I can only hope that if something similar happened to me, my friends would be as understanding. I think its something we've lost a little bit, as people are now spread far and wide from their families and support systems. We're very much isolated from each other -- which has its advantages but also means there are less people to catch us when we fall.

 

[Elegant]

You are a great friend...very thoughtful and very considerate. Considering what you have on your plate right now, I think 1-2 weeks is fair. She is an adult, she is your friend, but you have lots going on too. Why is your SO so disturbed to have her there? Like she''ll get in the way? Won''t contribute?

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 7/10/2009 5:36:24 PM
Author:rockzilla
Hopefully you guys can give me some good ideas...

A good friend of mine is in grad school, and is in our city this summer for her summer internship. When I found out she was coming down, I offered our guest room if she needed a place to stay for a few days while looking for an apartment, etc.

Earlier this week, I got an email asking if she could stay with us for a few days...something with her sublet, etc. Well, it turns out the guy subletting her place to her for the summer, told her she had to move out and he would refund her money. And now, of course, he''s not refunding her money...she tried to find another sublet (she''s only here through the end of the money) but that fell through and now she''s in a sketchy motel.

I offered for her to stay with us (we have a guest room /office and 2 bathrooms) but my fiance is really not psyched about her staying here for 3 weeks while we are packing up to move, getting ready for the wedding, etc. I asked if she could split up her time between our place and someone else''s, and suggested she could ask a mutual friend who I know has a guest room.

Anyways, now my fiance is not super happy (even though he said, ''she can stay here if the alternative is something really sketchy'') and the other friend is mad at me for suggesting that she could possibly stay with her. =( I''m just trying to help out...she is a student and very broke and I know she can''t afford to even be staying in the sketchy motel (especially since she was basically ripped off by this guy)

I want to help her...I''m not jumping up and down about sharing my place for 3 weeks either, but I feel it is the right thing to do. Magic suggestions please?

Im sure this is a tough spot.Help you friend out and tell your future husband to grin and deal with it!There will be several times in the marrage when you will have to deal with his friends or family.He should have taken this oppertunity to show you that he can support you with these tough desions and also show a little compasion for someone in need.The friend can help you pack and do house hold chores while you get ready to move.She may turn out to be a big benifit!If this was one of his friends would he turn him away?good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 7/10/2009 7:05:45 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 7/10/2009 6:34:05 PM
Author: atroop711
honestly I don't see why your fiance and the other friend are freaking out. It's 3 wks not 3 months or 3 yrs. If you are packing up, she can chip in and help (packing is soooo time consuming, the more ppl the better). I would hope that if I were in that situation, that my 'good friends' would offer to help as I would offer to help them.

Tell your fiance it's an inconvenience but if she's truly strapped and can't find anything (which can be hard when it's all last minute), he should help out someone who truly needs it. This is how I was raised...you treat ppl how you hope they would treat you.

GL to you and to your friend

BTW I think you're a great friend for offering to help her out.

Ditto

Me too.

Seriously. You reap what you sow. You are being a good friend. That's what friends do for each other, help. Not just when it's convenient, but when it's needed, convienient or not. Maybe your FI and your friend need reminding of that. And especially you FI on the (near) eve of his marriage. I'm sorry to say, but "For better or worse" doesn't just apply toward your spouse. It extend to family and friends too. Especially if your friend is a responsible person who has been taken advantage of.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 7/10/2009 8:16:36 PM
Author: rockzilla
She has been looking on craiglist -- that is actually where the found the scammer the first time though, so she is understandably a little spooked.

That''s what I was going to say -- that scam sounded totally like Craigslist to me.

I''d have a bit of a tough time with a house guest, too -- also not used to them from childhood -- but still, I''m with whitby and atroop. This is a person in need and your friend and you should help her out for at least the first part of the three weeks.

In return, see if she can be of help with anything, too.

 

[icekid]

Well, being that you have described her as a responsible person in a really tough spot, I would personally let her stay at least part of the time (and then maybe the other half with friend #2, if possible.) Having been a student forever myself, I would not be able to say no to her! haha

You are a wonderful friend, rockzilla!

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/10/2009 7:05:45 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 7/10/2009 6:34:05 PM

Author: atroop711

honestly I don''t see why your fiance and the other friend are freaking out. It''s 3 wks not 3 months or 3 yrs. If you are packing up, she can chip in and help (packing is soooo time consuming, the more ppl the better). I would hope that if I were in that situation, that my ''good friends'' would offer to help as I would offer to help them.


Tell your fiance it''s an inconvenience but if she''s truly strapped and can''t find anything (which can be hard when it''s all last minute), he should help out someone who truly needs it. This is how I was raised...you treat ppl how you hope they would treat you.


GL to you and to your friend


BTW I think you''re a great friend for offering to help her out.

Ditto

I live in NYC, and we are talking about 500 sf, one of my best friends was needing a place to stay, she stayed for around 3 weeks, between my place and another friends place.

I was not totally happy about it, you have to share the only bathroom you have, and the couple time, since there is just one living room. But she is my friend, and I would have not kicked her out to the street when she is in a need.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/10/2009 8:16:36 PM
Author: rockzilla

I can only hope that if something similar happened to me, my friends would be as understanding. I think its something we''ve lost a little bit, as people are now spread far and wide from their families and support systems. We''re very much isolated from each other -- which has its advantages but also means there are less people to catch us when we fall.

Well put!

I''m glad you and your fiance were able to reach an agreement and give your friend a helping hand.

And -- slight threadjack -- what did you end up with for your wedding day necklace?

 

[chiapet]

I can see where your FI is coming from but this is your good friend who is in need of some help right now. I think your friend will appreciate any nights you let her stay in your apt. Plus, you have an extra bedroom so she won''t be camped out on your couch. Even a few nights can mean several hundred dollars that she''s saving not staying in a hotel room. Yes, 3 weeks is a pretty long time so why don''t you ask her to keep looking for a short-term lease or sublet.