Help! I''m sabotaging myself

[Rose_Dust]

I can not stop obsessing and asking my SO when he''s going to propose. He has told me that every time I ask, he has less of a desire to do it soon.

How can I get over/move past this so that I don''t ruin my relationship? I''m in need of advice/words of wisdom from all you lovely LIW that are doing much better at this waiting process than me.

 

[rierie26]

LOL. First, breathe! Second, try to find something to preoccupy your time when you start thinking about wedding stuff and getting the marriage jones. Third, try to enjoy the dating ride! It''s fun and will be over before you know it.

 

[galeteia]

Are you sure it's going to happen? (i.e. you two have discussed it already) If you know it's a matter of 'when', not 'if', then you just need to sit back and let it happen. It's a matter of time. This is the last time you will be "I" and not "We". Enjoy your time as your own woman before you embrace becoming part of a unit. I know you are eager to become said unit, but you will be one for the rest of your life. Enjoy who you are now, you will become permanently altered soon enough.

Think about what changes you want to make in yourself before you become half of a partnership. What improvements do you want to make in yourself so you bring more to the table? Are there habits you want to have later? Work on them now, the distractions of wedding planning and marriage will be upon you soon. Is there anything you want to get underway first? If there was an accident that happened before you two were engaged, would you look back at this time and say you enjoyed being in love, or were you focused on 'waiting for life to begin'? Life is already happening, right now. This is part of the journey, enjoy it. Everything else will come in time.

 

[Rose_Dust]

Yes we have discussed it so it is a matter of when not if.

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

Well, all I can say is try to find something to get your mind off of it. I like to "window shop" online a lot because I love clothes and fashion so it gets my mind off of waiting. Don''t I repeat DON''T look at wedding things online because that certainly won''t get your mind off of it lol. If you have a hobby like music or or art try to focus on that a lot. Also, I go to the gym and that helps to calm my mind when I''m feeling antsy so maybe you could try that. And like Galateia and Kitcha said, enjoy the time you have now just dating because it will never be the same again!

 

[Rose_Dust]

Thanks all for your responses. I have tried, and I will say rather unsuccessfully, to distract myself. The problem is work isn''t distracting enough and that tends to be when I get myself into trouble with my questioning/annoying my bf. I put in long days at work but still my mind wanders and hopes that he''ll ask very soon.

I''m struggling but trying.

 

[jewelz617]

Just stop asking him. Every time you get the urge to ask him, think about how this is ruining your chances of a proposal.

No one wants to marry someone who is behaving like a kid who wants a cookie.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:17:27 PM
Author:Rose_Dust
I can not stop obsessing and asking my SO when he''s going to propose. He has told me that every time I ask, he has less of a desire to do it soon.

How can I get over/move past this so that I don''t ruin my relationship? I''m in need of advice/words of wisdom from all you lovely LIW that are doing much better at this waiting process than me.

Maybe I have far too much pride, but his comment alone would''ve mortified me to the point of never bringing it up again. Stop looking at the impending proposal as a means to an end, and think of it as an exciting surprise that you both should enjoy. You aren''t making it enjoyable for him when you''re trying to pin him down to a date and time. He wants to surprise you, you''re asking him constantly and ruining it for him. 5 years from now you''ll be complaining that the romance has gone out of your marriage and everything is totally predictable. Then you can look back at this thread and know why.

 

[BaileyLove]

I struggled with this too at first when I thought it was about time! But then my boyfriend made me realize its not just what I want. He was trying to save up money for a ring, and he finally told me that every time I asked I was stressing him out about finances. Even though he was 100% ready and willing, he was being smart and did not want to go into debt for my E-ring. Try to think about maybe what''s going through HIS mind, and reasons why he might be waiting (surprise factor as mentioned, $, etc.).

Remember, he can''t ask you if you''re constantly asking him

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 2/24/2010 11:53:08 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Just stop asking him. Every time you get the urge to ask him, think about how this is ruining your chances of a proposal.

No one wants to marry someone who is behaving like a kid who wants a cookie.

Everytime I had the urge to say anything engagement related (when, look at this ring, ____ would be nice for our wedding) I would leave the room (check dinner, use the bathroom, switch laundry, scrub a sink...) and remind myself that I''ve made it ____ days without saying anything and I''m not going to say it now.

For added incentive, I set a goal that after 30 days I would reward myself with ______ (baking brownies, new DVD, Starbucks, etc.).

Helped a bit.

 

[Rose_Dust]

TooPatient- I like your "game" idea to try to see how long I can last without asking him when. I just need to figure out a motivational reward.

Now, how do I deal with the times when he brings up getting engaged either out of wanting to tease/torture me (which he often does) or whatever crazy reason he has for bringing up the subject?

 

[purrfectpear]

You smile and say "we''ll talk about when you are asking"

Don''t take his bait. It might drive him crazy when you put it back on him and walk away as though he didn''t say anything worth responding to.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/24/2010 1:31:57 PM
Author: Rose_Dust
TooPatient- I like your ''game'' idea to try to see how long I can last without asking him when. I just need to figure out a motivational reward.

Now, how do I deal with the times when he brings up getting engaged either out of wanting to tease/torture me (which he often does) or whatever crazy reason he has for bringing up the subject?

Ditto PP. Tell him not to tease/torture. Who wants to deal with that anyway?

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 2/24/2010 2:12:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You smile and say ''we''ll talk about when you are asking''

Don''t take his bait. It might drive him crazy when you put it back on him and walk away as though he didn''t say anything worth responding to.

Yep!

 

[Steel]

He sounds like a meanie.

When I find myself obsessed with something I try to hold the thought in my head. I concentrate on it and I am always interrupted by something else and 9/10 I don''t remember that I was trying to forget!


So rather than trying to forget I try to analyse the thought in my head. Actually on paper it looks weird, but it works for me.

 

[Rose_Dust]

He''s not mean, he just likes to play around/joke. It''s part of who he is and who we are.

 

[verypatientlywaiting]

Hi Rose_Dust. I just read your intro and I gotta say that 6 months is not a long time to wait for a proposal. Maybe he isn''t emotionally or financially ready yet to propose. I''ve been dating my b/f for a little over 5 years, yet we would constantly talk about marriage & getting engaged only 2 months into the relationship. Maybe your SO is waiting for the right time to propose & thinks if he does it right after you mention it, it will seem as if he''s only doing it because you mentioned it. Or maybe he just doesn''t have the funds for a ring yet.
Definitely take up a hobby or start hanging out with your friends more often to get your mind off of the subject. You might eventually drive your SO away if you''re constantly mentioning it...he might start to think that all you want is an e-ring and that you don''t care who gives you one as long as you get one. And lastly, I agree with all the ladies here advising you to enjoy your single life while you can...you will have the rest of your life to be with your SO!

 

[Steel]

Date: 2/24/2010 4:56:38 PM
Author: Rose_Dust
He's not mean, he just likes to play around/joke. It's part of who he is and who we are.

I said he sounds like a meanie, that is not to say I think he is mean. I imagine the playfulness of my comment did not come through.

But it seems like you don't need any advice; not if you like to play games.

That said, good luck for a proposal.

 

[kberrie22]

Date: 2/24/2010 5:05:26 PM
Author: verypatientlywaiting
Hi Rose_Dust. I just read your intro and I gotta say that 6 months is not a long time to wait for a proposal. Maybe he isn''t emotionally or financially ready yet to propose. I''ve been dating my b/f for a little over 5 years, yet we would constantly talk about marriage & getting engaged only 2 months into the relationship. Maybe your SO is waiting for the right time to propose &; thinks if he does it right after you mention it, it will seem as if he''s only doing it because you mentioned it. Or maybe he just doesn''t have the funds for a ring yet.
Definitely take up a hobby or start hanging out with your friends more often to get your mind off of the subject. You might eventually drive your SO away if you''re constantly mentioning it...he might start to think that all you want is an e-ring and that you don''t care who gives you one as long as you get one. And lastly, I agree with all the ladies here advising you to enjoy your single life while you can...you will have the rest of your life to be with your SO!

I completely agree with this statement as my SO has said it to me before when i was where you were Rose Dust! While I have somewhat learned my lesson and have really cut down asking him about anything relating to a wedding/ engagement I trip up sometimes :S But I like your little game idea as well, I have started a bit of it as far as when I feel anxious that I will find a way to make things better around the house, like scrubbing the shower or cleaning a bathroom, and it''s always a good way to get some frustration out!

Anyways back to why I began this post, I was in your position not that long ago, almost like a LIW like trance (haha) where I was pretty much asking him something engagement related everyday only thinking of my own struggles and my own want for answers to my questions, and he said the same thing that verypatientlywaiting said above that he wanted this whole proposal thing to be HIS idea, not to seem like he was just asking because I had mentioned it. It took me awhile to realize the logic in this, but now that I have stopped (mostly heh) mentioning it and just going about my day; enjoying dating things have gotten worlds better! It seems now to both of us like it is more of a "when" than ever before. I of course still have the same desire to want to have it all now, now, now, but I am trying to learn that patience is more than just a virtue, it can pay off in spades (and rings!) as seen here on LIW by some of the ladies getting engaged! So hang in there rose dust, I know how powerful the feeling of wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone is and how irritating it can be when they say "wait". But trust in the fact that if he says he will follow thru he probably will

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 2/24/2010 4:56:38 PM
Author: Rose_Dust
He''s not mean, he just likes to play around/joke. It''s part of who he is and who we are.

Well so far it''s not working out so well is it now?

Who he "is", is a guy that is playing games instead of making the commitment...and who you "are" is a woman who is getting desperate.

Next time he "plays around" try telling him the truth. It''s not funny any more.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/25/2010 3:47:06 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 2/24/2010 4:56:38 PM

Author: Rose_Dust

He''s not mean, he just likes to play around/joke. It''s part of who he is and who we are.

Well so far it''s not working out so well is it now?


Who he ''is'', is a guy that is playing games instead of making the commitment...and who you ''are'' is a woman who is getting desperate.


Next time he ''plays around'' try telling him the truth. It''s not funny any more.

This. If he doesn''t want comments from you then no comments from him (unless it comes with a ring of course).

 

[Indylady]

Date: 2/25/2010 3:47:06 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 2/24/2010 4:56:38 PM

Author: Rose_Dust

He''s not mean, he just likes to play around/joke. It''s part of who he is and who we are.

Well so far it''s not working out so well is it now?


Who he ''is'', is a guy that is playing games instead of making the commitment...and who you ''are'' is a woman who is getting desperate.


Next time he ''plays around'' try telling him the truth. It''s not funny any more.

+1

 

[sphenequeen]

Hi Rose_Dust-

I am going to offer you an honest married woman''s perspective and repeat what many of these lovely ladies have already said- enjoy the dating part of your relationship. In fact, revel in it and soak it up because, whether you are living with him or not, things DO change once you become married.

I am curious to know what you are most excited about- the wedding or the idea of being married to your SO?

 

[Rose_Dust]

I am most excited about being married to him!! We wouldn''t end up actually getting married until Fall 2011 (we''ve decided on that already), so there it''s not like I''m in a rush to plan a wedding.


Thank you all for your advice. At this point every time I want to say something, I take a deep breath, and close my mouth. I''m sure after some time it will become easier and be less on my mind. I''m also markign on my calendar to see how many days I can make it without bringing it up. I want him to propose on his terms, how he has planned it, not rushed because I keep asking. It''ll pay off in the end