HELP! I need FMIL advice! I''m stuck!

[LauraTally]

Sorry it''s long but I''m lost....
I am need of FMIL help. Since we got engaged in August my FMIL has been very excited about planning/having the wedding. She lives in s different city and even mailed me a box FULL of new wedding magazines that arrived the day after we got engaged. We speak all the time thru email exchanging locations found online, dresses, flowers etc. She has said this is my one day to get exactly what I want (After I mentioned not liking a few of the locations she suggested) and they (Her and her husband) will help in anyway possible. We spent the past weekend with them driving around looking at wedding locations, talking about it and looking online. She has been bringing up these fancy, expensive locations and saying she would prefer a place that is all "inclusive" (Has a wedding planner, provides the food, has a hotel/inn, etc). My fiance and I have never had the money talk about the wedding with anyone but she knows that my mom is mental ill and can barely afford her healthcare and her housing and will not be able to contribute hardly anything to the wedding (Possibly my dress), my father is not in the picture and my fiance''s father is very cheap but will be contirbuting. She and her husband are VERY well of and never mentioned a problem paying for any of it and to just find a location I loved.

After polietly telling her I didn''t like a few locations she suggested (That were very expensive), I found one I very much liked and that was cheaper then her options. I then get a email stating that "since we (my fiance and I) would be paying for most of it ourselves" we should just do it in our backyard and people give $ towards our house for the wedding gift (We already discussed numerous times that we were going to ask people to donate to our honeymoon not pay for hosuehold items since we don''t need anything. This is completely out of the blue. She has been bringing up the expensive locations saying they would take care of things and now all of a sudden we are paying for it ourselves and should throw it in our backyard? I''m confused and honestly think that she is pissed because I don''t like any of the places she has been suggesting. My finace even mentioned that he knows she won''t pay for a location she doens''t like (My FMIL and I have very different tastes).
How can I speak with her? Should I just assume they aren''t paying for anything and plan our own small wedding(we just bought a house and have no extra money) or not worry about planning a wedding right now? Or go along with a place she likes but I don''t care for? Very frustrated and disappointed! I was planning a great wedding and now it may not happen or it will but with nothing I like.

Help!

 

[sonnyjane]

Just to clarify, was it expressly shared, without question, that she did intend to contribute toward the cost of the wedding prior to this? Or did you just assume that based on her interest?

 

[LauraTally]

There was never any numbers discussed but they mentioned paying and after I looked at a location my fiance''s stepfather mentioned what a good deal it was and asked if I wanted to book it. So yes they did talking about paying and "doing whatever they could".

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 11/3/2009 5:02:39 PM
Author: sonnyjane
Just to clarify, was it expressly shared, without question, that she did intend to contribute toward the cost of the wedding prior to this? Or did you just assume that based on her interest?

Hmm.. good question. Did she actually say she would pay??? If she''s going to pay then you have to expect that she''ll put her $0.02 worth in and expect you to go along with her ideas.

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves because we don''t want anyone to dictate to us how they want our wedding to be. Having said that I''m lucky because my FMIL is happy to help out where she can but not force any of her ideas on me.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 11/3/2009 5:09:41 PM
Author: LauraTally
There was never any numbers discussed but they mentioned paying and after I looked at a location my fiance's stepfather mentioned what a good deal it was and asked if I wanted to book it. So yes they did talking about paying and 'doing whatever they could'.

In my opinion, that still doesn't sound like she was committed to paying. It sounds more like a situation in which you would book an expensive venue to make her happy, and then she would pay like, $500 for flowers to do "whatever they could" and you'd be in a heap of trouble. My advice to any bride is, if you want things done your way, plan on paying for it 100% by yourself. If other people contribute money, that's fantastic, but with that money comes their part in the decision-making process. If you can get her to flat out say that she will completely pay for a wedding venue of her choice, then honestly, I'd let her pick an expensive place, but if you can't get her to commit to that, or don't want to compromise, I'd just plan a modest wedding that you can afford without her.

 

[LauraTally]

She never was like this before, so I don''t know if she thinks I just looking to spend alot of money or delibrately dissing her places. She has really good decorating sense (She throws events for a living) but we are clashing over the location. My FI and I don''t have any money to throw a wedding so we were relying on them, which they knew. At this point she isn''t even talking about the wedding just talking about buying us stuff for our house (which we don''t need). I don''t know if we should just sit down and talk to them (which i would feel uncomfortable doing at this point and it would have to be on the phoen since they live in another city) or just not talk about it for awhile. She sent that email after I mentioned I have to go to a doctor in another city and might stop and look at the venue I like on the way if I have time. She asked if I wanted to see, what I assume is, her favorite venue, which is in another different city completely, and I mentioed I wouldn''t have time to get to my appointment and get home. I think she must think I am blowing it off....I dunno. Just frustrated. I was really excited but now I am just upset.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 11/3/2009 5:21:15 PM
Author: LauraTally
I was really excited but now I am just upset.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, people go crazy around wedding time! Is your FI the first of her children to get married? I have to say I think that what you've written here will be how you feel all too often if you are not clear with your FMIL. There is too much assuming going on here, which leads to misinterpretation and hurt feelings on both ends.

You have three options, and I'm listing these in order of preference based on your post:
1) You and your FI pay for it yourself, and have the wedding you want within your budget.
2) You and your FI sit down and have a clear, definite discussion of budget, expectations, etc.
3) You carry on letting your MIL hint at money, book the things she wants, and possibly end up in debt because she pays less than you assumed.

 

[sonnyjane]

Aww, again I''m very sorry, but if they knew you were relying on their financing for your wedding, then, in my opinion, that gives them every MORE of a say in the wedding details than if they were just contributing a little bit of cash toward the total. It is not impossible to have a wedding and foot your own bill. I did for my wedding, and I know many others on this board did as well. It takes creativity and patience to shop around, but it IS possible. In the end, all you need at a wedding is you, the groom, and someone to pronounce you! Everything else is just a bonus.

 

[LauraTally]

Thanks Porridge, I like you profile pic btw, we are huge fans of Chihuly. He is an only child and so am I.

Porridge and SonnyJane I know you both are right. I don''t feel like we can get anywhere close to what we want for a wedding right now especially after buying a house recently. I think We''ll have to either save for a couple years (Even though my FI would like to get marriend quickly) and pay for it ourselves or sit down and talk with them . I thought that needed to be done to begin with so we would have numbers to work with. If we can''t come to any conclusions then I guess we''ll have to pay for it ourselves. I just thinks it''s werid that she has not discussed wedding stuff or sent my any wedding stuff today (She does all the time) but has changed the subject to buying blinds and curtains for our house. Just thought everything was working out ( Not to throw a pity party but things in my life have never worked out and I thought this might actually work and I would get it the way I liked).

 

[wyndham]

Hi LauraTally,

Judging from how you''ve described her recent actions, it sounds like your FMIL is only willing to pay for your wedding if it''s done her way. The first decision you and your FI need to make is whether or not you want her money, because it is apparently going to come with a lot of strings attached. Strings aren''t necessarily bad, but you need to realize that you''d be making a choice: ending up with a fancier wedding that''s less ''you'' but didn''t cost you anything, or having a wedding that''s your style but that you and FI paid for entirely. I know you probably wanted her to gift you the money without expectations or obligations (who wouldn''t?!), but unfortunately, many parents don''t work that way! I wouldn''t try to change her -- that''s who she is and the money and the strings are likely a package deal, take it or leave it.

If you do decide that you want her help, I think you and your FI should sit down with his mother and have a frank discussion about what she is willing and able to contribute to your wedding budget. I would make sure to qualify everything in terms of actual dollar amounts (i.e. "we will contribute $10,000", not "we''ll pick up the venue costs"), and write out a budget together. Additionally, I would discuss how decisions will be made...will there be a vote? Whose opinion is considered ''final''? If you can come to an agreement that you all feel comfortable with, the fancier wedding without financial burden to you and your FI might become more appealing to you.

I think these most recent comments of hers are meant to scare you into accepting her assistance, so I wouldn''t let the budget queston linger much longer -- decide what you want to do and act on it. If you choose to refuse FMIL''s money, I suggest you do it do it politely and be up front about it. You and your FI should sit down with her and say "thanks for mentioning that you''d like to help with the wedding, but we feel most comfortable hosting it ourselves. Thank you again for supporting us." From that point on, you should be prepared not to accept money from her, because with people like your FMIL, accepting her money is accepting her input.

I''m sorry that you feel you won''t be able to ''''get it the way you liked'''', but I think you have to be willing to compromise. If you won''t be happy with what you can afford (i.e. a backyard wedding), then you should consider your FMIL''s offer of help...but accept it contingent upon you knowing that she *will* have a voice in the planning, too.

Good luck!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I hate to be the one to point this out, but...

If you and your FI want to get married quickly, but cannot afford a wedding and no one is willing to help you...could you possibly just elope? When you boil it down, a wedding is a party but it''s the marriage that matters most of all. If you don''t have to wait, why would you? For a party? You easily host a backyard BBQ reception after your vows if you want to celebrate it in a big way without spending money you don''t have. This would be a happy medium between postponing and giving in to a wedding you wouldn''t love.

I think it''s a shame that you''ve found yourself here...I''m sure you''ve been planning your wedding in your mind for such a long time. But this is a prime example of why I have always believed you should throw a wedding you yourself could afford without any help. People can be crazy, fickle, and down right mean when it comes to money and their vision.

 

[honey22]

Ditto Italia all the way. Plan a wedding that you can afford, whether it be now, or in the future when you have saved more.

If your inlaws insist on contributing, make it clear that you are still planning your wedding, but if they want to pay for some of your selections, then you would appreciate it. But don''t expect or rely on that money, sounds like FMIL isn''t interested in helping unless it''s her choice.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 11/3/2009 6:25:01 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I hate to be the one to point this out, but...

If you and your FI want to get married quickly, but cannot afford a wedding and no one is willing to help you...could you possibly just elope? When you boil it down, a wedding is a party but it''s the marriage that matters most of all. If you don''t have to wait, why would you? For a party? You easily host a backyard BBQ reception after your vows if you want to celebrate it in a big way without spending money you don''t have. This would be a happy medium between postponing and giving in to a wedding you wouldn''t love.

I think it''s a shame that you''ve found yourself here...I''m sure you''ve been planning your wedding in your mind for such a long time. But this is a prime example of why I have always believed you should throw a wedding you yourself could afford without any help. People can be crazy, fickle, and down right mean when it comes to money and their vision.

Thritto.

I had some issues with my MIL in the beginning of our relationship and it was such a HUGE relief to be able to say, "I am sorry you feel that way, but this is what DH and I want. We will certainly miss you if you choose not to come."

In the end, my ILs were overwhelmingly genereous with both money and gifts, but the expectation of money never hampered our choices. DH and I choose the date, venue, guest list, everything. I am so grateful that we were in a position to pay for everything.

Please keep in mind that today the purse strings are tied to the wedding venue. Tomorrow, they will be tied to a particular guest list, the day after they will be tied to the menu and the band and the bridal party members...see where I am going with this? Money is NEVER without strings...just search for "my parents are driving me crazy" "my in-laws are nuts" "we just want to elope!"

I am so sorry that you are in this position. I know for me, I just wanted to be married to my best friend. Hopefully you will get to marry your best friend sooner rather than later...

Hugs!

 

[swingirl]

What type of wedding does your FI want? Did you both nix FMIL's suggestions? Maybe your FI should talk to his mother (without you around) and ask her what, if anything, she is offering because you are getting mixed messages? If she is an event planner it's understandable she would have opinions of venues, relationships with the trade and a good idea of what things are worth. I can understand why she would want her son to have the wedding of "her" dreams.

You have 2 choices. Make your own wedding exactly the way you want on your own budget.

Or...

Reevaluate her input and offer (if it is still there).

 

[Treasure43]

I hate to say it, but I know from personal experience that with money comes certian expectations and strings. I''d highly reccomend only having a wedding that you can afford. I made the mistake of saying my in-laws could pay for our reception and as a result they''ve had a bigger hand in the guest list than I''d like. I''ve also felt pressure to put my future sister-in-law into my bridal party and did so and am now regretting it. However, I''ve accepted (or am attempting to) that this is the price I pay and what''s done is done. My mother also paid for my dress and is constantly holding it over my head, which is no fun. Neeedles to say, I''m learning from my mistakes and only doing what we can afford. From this point on, we''re not taking any more money from our parents and just doing the rest ourselves. People get weird about money. Even when they SAY they want you to have what you want, if they''re paying all or a part of it they have huge expectations about the role they''ll play in planning it. I feel like it''s a common trap that brides fall into because the strings that are attatched are often not noticable until it''s too late or you''ve made a decision. Good luck!

 

[junebug17]

Yikes, this is a weird situation. Please bear with me, I'm still kind of confused about this whole thing! After reading your post several times, I'm not really sure they ever intended on paying for the wedding. They never really stated that they would. They kind of inferred it here and there with statements they made, but never really made the committment, at least that's how it appears to me. All the conversations seem so vague. And I'm not sure how you would straighten this out...you can't just say to them "ok, sorry about that, we'll have it at the place you liked, now will you pay for it?" kwim? Your fmil's comment was "since you will be paying for most of it yourselves..." so I take it to mean she won't be helping out at all. I really think you just have to assume that they aren't contributing and have a backyard celebration (which would be lovely, btw) or else elope. I don't know, I would feel like I was begging for money if I tried to talk to them about this. I'm sorry about all of this, I can tell you are disappointed, but the important thing is marrying the man you love, and that in itself is magical and special, even without a big fancy wedding.

eta: after thinking about it, maybe she is being spiteful and no longer willing to help with the wedding because you didn't like her venues. Maybe FI could have a talk with her and see if she is willing to contribute at all to the wedding. But the problem there is you would definitely have to do things her way. And it still seems like begging - to go back to her and see if she's willing to pay, and how much. It all seems so crass. I'm sticking with my original opinion, do it on your own, whatever you can afford.

 

[KimberlyH]

Plan a wedding you and your fiance can afford. If that means cake and punch in your yard, great, if it means eloping, perfect, you''re still married and that''s what matters. You can have an anniversary bash down the road to make up for it if you feel like you''ll be missing out if you don''t have a traditional wedding and reception. I wouldn''t bring it up to your future in-laws again except to answer any questions they might have and I would simply say "We''ve put together a budget and X is what is feasible, we think it''s going to be very special and are looking forward to it."

 

[Morgie44]

I am sorry you are in this uncomfortable situation! I think you guys have 3 options: have a wedding you can afford on your own now, save and have your dream wedding later, or have an open conversation about if and how your FI''s parents plan to contribute. I don''t think it has to be a confrontational thing, but more just say: we are trying to figure out our budget for the wedding before we move forward with a venue, do you plan on contributing at all? I haven''t read all of the posts, but I am guessing that since your FI is an only child, FMIL has dreamt of her son''s wedding day just the same as if he were her daughter, especially since she plans events for a living. Have you had an open conversation with her about what a dream wedding is for you and your FI? or have you just said you don''t like her venues. There are tons of weddings around right here on pricescope and on stylemepretty and other blogs that are very classy affairs, but are more toned down and relaxed. Maybe if you guys can put together an inspiration board of what you envision and email it to her she would be more onboard?

 

[tlh]

I agree with Italia.

 

[meresal]

DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN GIVE YOU ANY MONEY FOR YOUR WEDDING!

You WILL BE miserable by the time the date comes!

1. First, she won't pay for a venue she doesn't like.
2. Second, she won't pay for flowers she doesn't like.
3. Third, she won't pay for (fill in the blank) she doesn't like.
4. And so on...

It will not end, and it is NOT worth her controlling your wedding day and everything about it. Strings are a nasty thing, and trust me I was there, you want NO part of it.

You can throw a WONDERFUL and beautiful small wedding in your back yard, that YOU and your FI will have complete control over.

I would write her back and say:
"That is a wonderful idea. A nice backyard wedding is exactly us! Thank you for suggesting that. I think we will still ask people to contribute to our honeymoon though.

Thanks for the idea!"

 

[LauraTally]

I know all of you are right. We have discussed eloping but we woulnd''t be able to with my mother (She is manic depressive, VERY unstable and literally try to harm herself if she didn''t witness such a important event {I''m an only child too}..sorry to be blunt and if my mother was there and my FI mother, father, stepmother and stepfather, my FI grandparents were not, we would not only NEVER hear the end of it for the rest of our lives so I don''t see that as being an option.

We can not personally afford a wedding at all. We are, at this point, barely paying our new mortgage. I sell houses and, as you all know, my income has been cut in half so paying for our own wedding is out of the question. I feel like for her to say do it in your backyard was more of a blow/an insult. She also does interior design and for my birthday they gave me a hefty gift card to Pottery Barn, I jokingly said "Are you trying to tell me we need to get something done on our house?", she said yes. So for her to suggest our house is almost like to get us to fix it up..which we can''t afford. Not to mention we don''t have nearly enough room for a "backyard wedding".
I just wish if it was her locaiton or no location she would say so (I''m asking too much i know). I would be willing to relook at some of her locations if I knew they were the only options. I don''t mind a lot of her input on flowers, food, etc since she is very good at planning but I just wanted to pick the location. I want a large wedding and want everyone to be there so I guess if that''s what it takes. But I feel at this point she has closed any discussion on it.
Super frustrated and I thought was on my way to plan a wedding and now at a stand still.

 

[meresal]

Date: 11/4/2009 10:13:27 AM
Author: LauraTally
I know all of you are right. We have discussed eloping but we woulnd't be able to with my mother (She is manic depressive, VERY unstable and literally try to harm herself if she didn't witness such a important event {I'm an only child too}..sorry to be blunt and if my mother was there and my FI mother, father, stepmother and stepfather, my FI grandparents were not, we would not only NEVER hear the end of it for the rest of our lives so I don't see that as being an option.

We can not personally afford a wedding at all. We are, at this point, barely paying our new mortgage. I sell houses and, as you all know, my income has been cut in half so paying for our own wedding is out of the question. I feel like for her to say do it in your backyard was more of a blow/an insult. She also does interior design and for my birthday they gave me a hefty gift card to Pottery Barn, I jokingly said 'Are you trying to tell me we need to get something done on our house?', she said yes. So for her to suggest our house is almost like to get us to fix it up..which we can't afford. Not to mention we don't have nearly enough room for a 'backyard wedding'.
I just wish if it was her locaiton or no location she would say so (I'm asking too much i know). I would be willing to relook at some of her locations if I knew they were the only options. I don't mind a lot of her input on flowers, food, etc since she is very good at planning but I just wanted to pick the location. I want a large wedding and want everyone to be there so I guess if that's what it takes. But I feel at this point she has closed any discussion on it.
Super frustrated and I thought was on my way to plan a wedding and now at a stand still.

You have ALOT of wants, especially WANTING someone else to pay for the entire thing, but still wanting to have ALL the say. That is not how alot of people work when handing money over. When you ask for someone else's money, in most cases, you are giving up lots of things, including the "Final Say".

If you want everything your way, then you need to wait until you and your FI have the funds to pay for it yourself.

I'm not trying to assume, but when you went to the venues she liked, did you give them a chance? Or did you talk down everything? There wasn't a single thing you liked at them? Maybe she feels insulted/hurt as well. There is ALOT to be said for a venue that has everything included. It will make planning a quick wedding ALOT easier, heck, it will make planning ANY wedding alot easier.

I have a friend that is going thru this. She can't afford her wedding, so her parents are paying, and they are planning the wedding that they want to throw. She is devastated over the whole thing, but what is she going to say? It's not her money.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/3/2009 5:29:01 PM
Author: Porridge

Date: 11/3/2009 5:21:15 PM
Author: LauraTally
I was really excited but now I am just upset.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, people go crazy around wedding time! Is your FI the first of her children to get married? I have to say I think that what you've written here will be how you feel all too often if you are not clear with your FMIL. There is too much assuming going on here, which leads to misinterpretation and hurt feelings on both ends.

You have three options, and I'm listing these in order of preference based on your post:
1) You and your FI pay for it yourself, and have the wedding you want within your budget.
2) You and your FI sit down and have a clear, definite discussion of budget, expectations, etc.
3) You carry on letting your MIL hint at money, book the things she wants, and possibly end up in debt because she pays less than you assumed.

I have to ditto Porridge here and Meresal's posts above.

If your FMIL pays for your wedding, she is giving you a VERY generous gift. You are not entitled to have someone else pay for your wedding. If you can't afford to have a wedding, then you'll have to SAVE up for one.

A lot of us are in the same boat with trying to juggle different expenses and trying to get married. My SO and I have also decided to buy a house before getting married because that was our first priority. Try to look at the bright side...you have a HOUSE that's going to be decorated with some awesome Pottery barn furniture/accessories. That's great! It seems like your FMIL has already been very generous with you.

You have to decide which is most important - being married NOW or waiting and having the wedding of your dreams when you and your FI can afford to pay for it yourselves.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/4/2009 10:25:33 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 11/4/2009 10:13:27 AM
Author: LauraTally
I know all of you are right. We have discussed eloping but we woulnd''t be able to with my mother (She is manic depressive, VERY unstable and literally try to harm herself if she didn''t witness such a important event {I''m an only child too}..sorry to be blunt and if my mother was there and my FI mother, father, stepmother and stepfather, my FI grandparents were not, we would not only NEVER hear the end of it for the rest of our lives so I don''t see that as being an option.

We can not personally afford a wedding at all. We are, at this point, barely paying our new mortgage. I sell houses and, as you all know, my income has been cut in half so paying for our own wedding is out of the question. I feel like for her to say do it in your backyard was more of a blow/an insult. She also does interior design and for my birthday they gave me a hefty gift card to Pottery Barn, I jokingly said ''Are you trying to tell me we need to get something done on our house?'', she said yes. So for her to suggest our house is almost like to get us to fix it up..which we can''t afford. Not to mention we don''t have nearly enough room for a ''backyard wedding''.
I just wish if it was her locaiton or no location she would say so (I''m asking too much i know). I would be willing to relook at some of her locations if I knew they were the only options. I don''t mind a lot of her input on flowers, food, etc since she is very good at planning but I just wanted to pick the location. I want a large wedding and want everyone to be there so I guess if that''s what it takes. But I feel at this point she has closed any discussion on it.
Super frustrated and I thought was on my way to plan a wedding and now at a stand still.

You have ALOT of wants, especially WANTING someone else to pay for the entire thing, but still wanting to have ALL the say. That is not how alot of people work when handing money over. When you ask for someone else''s money, in most cases, you are giving up lots of things, including the ''Final Say''.

If you want everything your way, then you need to wait until you and your FI have the funds to pay for it yourself.

I''m not trying to assume, but when you went to the venues she liked, did you give them a chance? Or did you talk down everything? There wasn''t a single thing you liked at them? Maybe she feels insulted/hurt as well. There is ALOT to be said for a venue that has everything included. It will make planning a quick wedding ALOT easier, heck, it will make planning ANY wedding alot easier.

I have a friend that is going thru this. She can''t afford her wedding, so her parents are paying, and they are planning the wedding that they want to throw. She is devastated over the whole thing, but what is she going to say? It''s not her money.

+1. You can''t expect them to pay for a wedding and have no say in how it''s planned. It doesn''t sound like they ever commited to paying for it in the first place, and if that''s true than you and your fiance made a big assumption that because they said they would "do what they could" and thought you should book a particular venue; in my mind that doesn''t come close to meaning they ever intended to pay for the whole thing.

I''m not sure there is much of a decision to be made other than waiting or eloping, unless your in laws come to you and offer to pay for the whole thing. It certainly wouldn''t be something I would approach them about, but if you both feel you must than I would have your fiance talk to them and find out if they have any intentions of contributing and if so what amount so that you two can include that in your budget.

 

[junebug17]

Sounds like she suggested the backyard wedding knowing very well that you don''t have the room and can''t afford it, sounds mean and controlling to me. But that''s another issue...if she and her husband pay for this wedding, be prepared for every detail to be done her way, she has already made that clear. She pulled the plug because you didn''t agree with her venue, and with no explanation!!! I know I''m repeating myself, but I''m still not sure she planned on paying for everything...weddings cost thousands of dollars, were they planning on paying that much?!? And I guess I''m dense, but I still don''t know of a good way to start another dialogue with her about this.

I know this is easy for me to say, but I wouldn''t accept their money now on principle (sp?). You could have a ceremony at your house with the people you mentioned in your post, then go out to dinner or make dinner at home. Or postpone things and save for a small wedding. I know a big wedding is important to you, but do you really want it under these circumstances?

 

[Pushin40]

Honestly, I think you or your FI need to just sit down and talk to them and ask them for sure if they have any intentions of helping. If so, set some ground rules on who makes the choices etc. or decide you want all of the control and do soemthign within your budget.

I think the two of you are misenterperting things and making some assumptions. FMIL may be totally feeling blown off thinking you don''t want her help. Who knows.

You guys need to decide what you really want and how you can handle this wedding. In my eyes, any parent helping any child with a wedding is a total BONUS and not a requirement. You are adults. If you can''t afford a wedding and you won''t elope, then you''ll have to wait. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but this is reality.

 

[LauraTally]

I am not expecting her to pay for it. They offered and told my FI they would do whatver it took to make it happen. I undertand that if she is going to be a major or primary contirbuter to the funding of it that she will have alot or most of the say in everything else which is fine, she has good taste and I know will make it look great. The places that she has shown me have been very expensive, very eleborate and will end up costing a lot of money which I don''t think is necessary. The place I really like will end up being half the price or less. My FI and I nixed one place she "liked" (which turn out she only wanted to have because she wanted to get a job working there). The problem I am having is that from the beginning she said she wanted me to find a location I loved. If it is her way or nothing that is fine I will look her places and pick one from those. The only problam I am having is that everything was fine and now has been thrown up in the air.
I undertand you can''t expect everything for nothing and I do know that sacrifies will have to be made if they are going to pay for it which is fine. I guess I just don''t know how to open the lines of communication and finding out if they are still willing or if it''s only their location ro not at all. I have always dreamed of a big reception (not lavish but fun and casual) and I would hate for something petty to hold that up.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 11/4/2009 12:56:14 PM
Author: LauraTally
I guess I just don''t know how to open the lines of communication and finding out if they are still willing or if it''s only their location ro not at all.

I know it''s a difficult talk to face, but this is what has to be done. And really, seeing as how it''s your FI''s parents, he could be the one to initiate it. I''m sure he knows how to talk to them. Then you could all sit down together and work it out.

PS Chihuly rocks!!

 

[junebug17]

Date: 11/4/2009 1:21:50 PM
Author: Porridge

Date: 11/4/2009 12:56:14 PM
Author: LauraTally
I guess I just don''t know how to open the lines of communication and finding out if they are still willing or if it''s only their location ro not at all.

I know it''s a difficult talk to face, but this is what has to be done. And really, seeing as how it''s your FI''s parents, he could be the one to initiate it. I''m sure he knows how to talk to them. Then you could all sit down together and work it out.

PS Chihuly rocks!!

I agree, if you want to discuss it further with her, FI should do it. He could say that initially they seemed willing to help with the expenses of the wedding, and he was wondering if they would still be willing. There''s no way around it, an awkward conversation to say the least. One other thing to consider...even if they are willing to contribute, you and FI will have to also pay for some of this wedding, and you''ve already stated that you have no money for a wedding right now. I guess you need to find out if they are willing to help out, and how much. FI is just going to have to ask them point-blank.

btw, what does FI think about all of this?

 

[decodelighted]

Beggers can't be choosers & its sounds like she thought of you as a desperate little churchmouse eager to nibble at any bit of cheese she threw you. Surprise! You had a mind of your own! And now she's changed HER mind about wanting to "help".

This was a bait & switch -- which sucks ... but it is what it is. You are not going to get a wedding out of her now. People don't always tell you "the score"..... you have to read between the lines. She wouldn't even admit TO HERSELF that she's a selfish control freak who hoped to bully you with her cash & throw an event SHE'd be proud of -- or that she's the kind of person to take her ball & go home when the game's not going her way. These aren't the kind of things you SAY OUTLOUD to a future daughter-in-law. Yanno?

Sorry this happened. I'd elope.


ETA: She throws events for a living? That's a whole 'nother ball of wax. Bet the place you liked isn't up to her "usual standard" & she'd be humiliated to have "her name on it". People are SELFISH. Especially around weddings. You'll find out. Wait til you pick bridesmaids ... yeesh.