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Help! How to deal with friend's engagement to wrong guy

chemgirl

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Sep 16, 2009
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My best friend since the fifth grade just called me to tell me that she's engaged. I should be happy for her right?

I don't know how to feel. The guy she's marrying is horrible. He's done very inappropriate things with other girls (although never physically slept with anyone so he doesn't get what the big deal is). He also belittles my friend in front of my husband and I. He'll say everything in a teasing tone, but what he's saying is actually very insulting. She clearly doesn't think he's teasing and her facial expression is a combination of shame, embarrassment, and anger. To top it all off, he's so bad with money that he can't even get his own cell phone. She was paying for his phone after only two months of dating! She has very good credit so I am a bit concerned about how their combined credit will affect her in the future.

She has very low self esteem and this is her first boyfriend (started dating when she was 25). I dumped a boyfriend back in college and she told me I was being crazy, what if I never found another guy who likes me? She still has that mentality.

I've tried telling her that she doesn't deserve to be treated how she's being treated, but she usually just brushes it off. I would broach the subject whenever he did something particularly bad in front of me...like grinding with and groping her cousin at a family wedding, or doing body shots off of a female friend's chest at a party.

Now that they're engaged I know that I have to just deal with it and keep my mouth shut. Ugh.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you congratulate your friend and act happy for her when you think she's making a huge mistake?
 

ame

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Unfortunately it sounds like she's willing to tolerate the nonsense to be with someone, anyone, and that is a miserable situation you are in. I cannot stand my friend's husband at all and nor can her family, I said my piece when they got engaged as did the family, but she loved him despite that. They've been married for 10 years, and while we've kind of drifted apart with time, I am thankful it didn't damage the friendship too much, no more than general life has anyway. I have told other friends what I thought and it destroyed the relationship. And then when the friend finally got rid of the loser, the friendship was still over. It is so hard to be supportive of something abusive like that, while we don't know them or their sides of the story, he sounds like he's using her. You can give it one more shot to tell her gently--with actual facts/proof, but if she doesn't listen, then suck it up I guess. I wouldn't be fake happy. I would just be supportive.
 

somethingshiny

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My advice, learn to deal with him. I have a friend who married an awful guy, has been awful his whole life as far as I can tell. They've been married for 10 yrs now. He's been inappropriate to me right in front of her and she just laughs it off. She has the same what-if-noone-else-will-love-me mentality. That's something that runs deep and can't easily be changed. In her mind, she's treated well and she's happy. Unfortunately, it has caused some stress on our relationship and we will go months at a time without speaking. Not like, "we're not speaking." Just have no need to contact one another. That's more of his doing. It sucks big time. I've told her several things several times but it just doesn't make a difference to her. Sounds like you're in a similar situation.
 

rosetta

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What can you do but just be a friend?

Unfortunately, people make mistakes and sometimes all we can do is wait to pick up the pieces. :(sad
 

luv2sparkle

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Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do. Tell her your concerns once, and then don't bring it up again. If it all goes bad, she
will remember what you said, but if you make a big deal of it you may lose a friend.
 

HollyS

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There is nothing you can do for her. Her self esteem problem won't allow it. She will hate you for dissing the fiance.

She'll never see his faults . . . until he wears her down with constant abuse. (I use the word abuse to cover all of his nastiness, whatever it may be.)

Support her, tell her you will be there if she needs you. Then step back, 'cause she's going to marry him.

How very sad. What kind of parents raise a woman with this kind of low rent view of herself???
 

joflier

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I've dealt with this too. It's the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you care about so much doing something you think is so far below what they deserve. But even though you are her dear friend, your not going to be able to fix her esteem or make her see the light on this guy. Just be a supportive friend and constantly remind her of how she is deserving of nothing but the best in life!
 

Prana

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I have a different sentiment than the other posters. While I don't think that you should let this destroy your friendship, I think it's important for your friend to know your concerns and how you feel. I wouldn't push the issue, but I also would not be fake and pretend like this is the greatest thing ever. You've been friends with her for a long time, and I'd say your concerns are pretty legit. I would try to discern if she was truly happy, and if I thought she was, I would be happy for her happiness. It's a hard fence to walk, and it sounds like your friend has some pretty serious self esteem and self worth issues.

So I guess what I would do is be happy for HER happiness (not necessarily for the engagement), I'm sure she already knows your concerns, so I probably wouldn't bring it up anymore, unless there was an appropriate venue. Just be happy for her happiness, not the situation, I guess.

And it sounds like you might have to learn to tolerate this guy. But your first and only concern will always be your friend.
 

joflier

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swingirl|1319643445|3047987 said:
Has anyone ever been talked out of an engagement by a friend?
Nope! But in hindsight, I wish I woulda listened! :tongue:
 

soocool

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I have a friend who has been living with a guy for over 9 years and I just don't like him. She wants to get married, he says nothing. They are both in their late 40s. Neither has been married before. They are total opposites. She has traveled the world. He travels out of state once in a blue moon. He shows no interest in her family and friends, but she attends all his family affairs and they all go on vacation with his family. He came over with her once or twice and when we wanted to go out and visit the local wineries he did not want to go. He sat here and barely spoke. BTW, the dog did not even like him - growled at him a few times (the dog that is) and I think my dog is a great judge of character. My friend comes by herslf when she visits and says I wish Johhny were here... I finally asked her why he doesn't like to do the things she likes, but she is expected to do what her wants. She said that she does not want to be alone. I told her, well you are .

My main concern is that my friend's father passed away earlier this year and he left her a huge huge inheritance. Enough that she doesn't have to work for the rest of her life and could live very very comfortably. I worry that she wil spend the money on this idiot and be left nothing in the end.
 

kenny

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It is very difficult to not interfere and just sit by and watch when loved ones grow and learn by making their own mistakes but IMHO there is no alternative.
It's not that I don't care.
It's that I understand boundaries.
If you were a therapist and this person came to you for help that would be different.

There certainly are times when helping out a friend is appropriate, but this is the kind of stuff they have to work out themselves.
Falling for this guy is not the problem; it is only a symptom of the problem.
If you were to somehow prevent the wedding (good luck) the problem itself would remain, and will just generate other symptoms for YOU to fix, over and over, forever.
 

Aoife

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kenny|1319646951|3048042 said:
It is very difficult to not interfere and just sit by and watch when loved ones grow and learn by making their own mistakes but IMHO there is no alternative.
It's not that I don't care.
It's that I understand boundaries.
If you were a therapist and this person came to you for help that would be different.

There certainly are times when helping out a friend is appropriate, but this is the kind of stuff they have to work out themselves.
Falling for this guy is not the problem; it is only a symptom of the problem.
If you were to somehow prevent the wedding (good luck) the problem itself would remain, and will just generate other symptoms for YOU to fix, on and on, forever.
There you have it in a nutshell.
 

Circe

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Me, I'm outspoken ... so if I think a friend's SO is treating them badly, I SAY so, and I've never lost a friend over it. I've been on the receiving end, too: my friends uniformly believed I should dump my first boyfriend. They didn't say he was evil, they didn't say they wouldn't hang out with us as a couple: they just said we were dysfunctional, and when the time came (seven years too late, OMG, so much wasted time), I realized they were right.

In this case, if he's treated her badly in the past but the engagement is a sign he's reformed - mazel tov! Keep a careful eye on the situation, but be congratulatory. If, on the other hand, the same nonsense continues once they're engaged? Make your opinion known. Maybe it'll penetrate, maybe it won't, but better to know you at least gave it a shot ....
 

kenny

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Circe|1319648376|3048063 said:
Me, I'm outspoken ... so if I think a friend's SO is treating them badly, I SAY so, and I've never lost a friend over it. I've been on the receiving end, too: my friends uniformly believed I should dump my first boyfriend. They didn't say he was evil, they didn't say they wouldn't hang out with us as a couple: they just said we were dysfunctional, and when the time came (seven years too late, OMG, so much wasted time), I realized they were right.

In this case, if he's treated her badly in the past but the engagement is a sign he's reformed - mazel tov! Keep a careful eye on the situation, but be congratulatory. If, on the other hand, the same nonsense continues once they're engaged? Make your opinion known. Maybe it'll penetrate, maybe it won't, but better to know you at least gave it a shot ....

See.
You had to learn for yourself.

People are like sovereign nations.
 

iLander

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Circe|1319648376|3048063 said:
Me, I'm outspoken ... so if I think a friend's SO is treating them badly, I SAY so, and I've never lost a friend over it. I've been on the receiving end, too: my friends uniformly believed I should dump my first boyfriend. They didn't say he was evil, they didn't say they wouldn't hang out with us as a couple: they just said we were dysfunctional, and when the time came (seven years too late, OMG, so much wasted time), I realized they were right.

In this case, if he's treated her badly in the past but the engagement is a sign he's reformed - mazel tov! Keep a careful eye on the situation, but be congratulatory. If, on the other hand, the same nonsense continues once they're engaged? Make your opinion known. Maybe it'll penetrate, maybe it won't, but better to know you at least gave it a shot ....
Not to offend you Circe, but I'm curious about what was going on in your mind at the time; when your friends were saying this, what were you hearing? What did he do to make you disbelieve them?

I just don't understand and I'm curious, not mocking you or anything . . .
 

chemgirl

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kenny|1319646951|3048042 said:
It is very difficult to not interfere and just sit by and watch when loved ones grow and learn by making their own mistakes but IMHO there is no alternative.
It's not that I don't care.
It's that I understand boundaries.
If you were a therapist and this person came to you for help that would be different.

There certainly are times when helping out a friend is appropriate, but this is the kind of stuff they have to work out themselves.
Falling for this guy is not the problem; it is only a symptom of the problem.
If you were to somehow prevent the wedding (good luck) the problem itself would remain, and will just generate other symptoms for YOU to fix, over and over, forever.
You are so right Kenny! She is with him because of her own issues.

Even if she were to break up with him, I think she would still go for a similar type of guy because the actual problem wouldn't have been dealt with.

I have no intention of preventing the wedding. I am just rather upset about it at the moment and I can't picture doing all of the pre-wedding things with a smile on my face. I know I will support her and make sure everything is as great as it can be because I lover her even if I don't like him.

I guess I'm just down about the situation and needed a vent and encouragement.
 

chemgirl

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Prana|1319643098|3047982 said:
I have a different sentiment than the other posters. While I don't think that you should let this destroy your friendship, I think it's important for your friend to know your concerns and how you feel. I wouldn't push the issue, but I also would not be fake and pretend like this is the greatest thing ever. You've been friends with her for a long time, and I'd say your concerns are pretty legit. I would try to discern if she was truly happy, and if I thought she was, I would be happy for her happiness. It's a hard fence to walk, and it sounds like your friend has some pretty serious self esteem and self worth issues.

So I guess what I would do is be happy for HER happiness (not necessarily for the engagement), I'm sure she already knows your concerns, so I probably wouldn't bring it up anymore, unless there was an appropriate venue. Just be happy for her happiness, not the situation, I guess.

And it sounds like you might have to learn to tolerate this guy. But your first and only concern will always be your friend.
Thanks you for the great advice. I do need to shift to this attitude.

You're right, she does know exactly how I feel about him. I told her while she was crying her eyes out in a public washroom after seeing him lick tequila off of a girl's boobs, I told her while we were scraping a week of dog poop off of her brand new wood floors after she asked him to house sit, and I told her when he missed her sister's engagement party to play World of Warcraft. She knows how I feel about it, so I'm done telling her. She deserves so much better, but she doesn't see it and I can't make her.
 

chemgirl

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iLander|1319649373|3048079 said:
Circe|1319648376|3048063 said:
Me, I'm outspoken ... so if I think a friend's SO is treating them badly, I SAY so, and I've never lost a friend over it. I've been on the receiving end, too: my friends uniformly believed I should dump my first boyfriend. They didn't say he was evil, they didn't say they wouldn't hang out with us as a couple: they just said we were dysfunctional, and when the time came (seven years too late, OMG, so much wasted time), I realized they were right.

In this case, if he's treated her badly in the past but the engagement is a sign he's reformed - mazel tov! Keep a careful eye on the situation, but be congratulatory. If, on the other hand, the same nonsense continues once they're engaged? Make your opinion known. Maybe it'll penetrate, maybe it won't, but better to know you at least gave it a shot ....
Not to offend you Circe, but I'm curious about what was going on in your mind at the time; when your friends were saying this, what were you hearing? What did he do to make you disbelieve them?

I just don't understand and I'm curious, not mocking you or anything . . .
I would be curious to know!
 

chemgirl

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Circe|1319648376|3048063 said:
Me, I'm outspoken ... so if I think a friend's SO is treating them badly, I SAY so, and I've never lost a friend over it. I've been on the receiving end, too: my friends uniformly believed I should dump my first boyfriend. They didn't say he was evil, they didn't say they wouldn't hang out with us as a couple: they just said we were dysfunctional, and when the time came (seven years too late, OMG, so much wasted time), I realized they were right.

In this case, if he's treated her badly in the past but the engagement is a sign he's reformed - mazel tov! Keep a careful eye on the situation, but be congratulatory. If, on the other hand, the same nonsense continues once they're engaged? Make your opinion known. Maybe it'll penetrate, maybe it won't, but better to know you at least gave it a shot ....
That would be fantastic!

I just don't think somebody could change that much. I hope I'm wrong.

I think the real reason for the engagement is probably because she's in full blown LIW mode and has been pretty vocal about wanting an engagement. She also makes six figures and he makes barely more than minimum wage. She completely supports him at the moment. I think he's worried about losing his meal ticket. Again, I hope I'm wrong.
 

QueenB29

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That's a really tough spot to be in :(sad

I had a VERY similar problem with one of my friends about four years ago. Her boyfriend was a total, complete jerk. He actually "joked" about date-raping women :angryfire: I had no doubt that V not only thought drugging women to have sex with them was OK, but that he had probably actually done it :nono: When now-DH met this guy, I had to physically restrain him from punching V and DH is not a violent guy :(

I had met V before he and K started dating, when they were still just friends, and she already knew I couldn't stand him when this happened. After much soul-searching and agonizing with our mutual friend S, I decided that I had to say something to K. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't and then something happened to her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. All I said was "I'm only saying this because I love you, but I'm really concerned about the way that V talks about women." She insisted he was joking and that he treated her wonderfully, yadayadayada.

Four or five months later she called to tell me she and V were engaged, and that we couldn't be friends anymore because of the things I had said about him. Then our other friend S stopped talking to me as well ;(

I'm not going to lie, losing both friendships hurt. A lot. But given the same circumstances, I would do it again.

I guess my point is that you have to decide how egregious the things this guy says/does are, and then decide if you would be OK losing your friend. If he's just flirting and hitting on women, I would probably leave it alone. It wouldn't be worth it. Just socialize with her without him around. But if it's something like the situation I had, where he's doing/saying something truly disturbing and might be putting her at risk, I think you have to say something :knockout:

ETA: I just saw you have talked to her. I wouldn't say anything else at this point. (Although, I agree, he sounds like such a jerk.) Maybe just talk up your DH so she can compare?
 

kenny

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chemgirl|1319649428|3048081 said:
kenny|1319646951|3048042 said:
It is very difficult to not interfere and just sit by and watch when loved ones grow and learn by making their own mistakes but IMHO there is no alternative.
It's not that I don't care.
It's that I understand boundaries.
If you were a therapist and this person came to you for help that would be different.

There certainly are times when helping out a friend is appropriate, but this is the kind of stuff they have to work out themselves.
Falling for this guy is not the problem; it is only a symptom of the problem.
If you were to somehow prevent the wedding (good luck) the problem itself would remain, and will just generate other symptoms for YOU to fix, over and over, forever.
You are so right Kenny! She is with him because of her own issues.

Even if she were to break up with him, I think she would still go for a similar type of guy because the actual problem wouldn't have been dealt with.

I have no intention of preventing the wedding. I am just rather upset about it at the moment and I can't picture doing all of the pre-wedding things with a smile on my face. I know I will support her and make sure everything is as great as it can be because I lover her even if I don't like him.

I guess I'm just down about the situation and needed a vent and encouragement.
I totally understand.
Hugs to you.
 

Circe

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chemgirl|1319649972|3048089 said:
iLander|1319649373|3048079 said:
Circe|1319648376|3048063 said:
Me, I'm outspoken ... so if I think a friend's SO is treating them badly, I SAY so, and I've never lost a friend over it. I've been on the receiving end, too: my friends uniformly believed I should dump my first boyfriend. They didn't say he was evil, they didn't say they wouldn't hang out with us as a couple: they just said we were dysfunctional, and when the time came (seven years too late, OMG, so much wasted time), I realized they were right.

In this case, if he's treated her badly in the past but the engagement is a sign he's reformed - mazel tov! Keep a careful eye on the situation, but be congratulatory. If, on the other hand, the same nonsense continues once they're engaged? Make your opinion known. Maybe it'll penetrate, maybe it won't, but better to know you at least gave it a shot ....
Not to offend you Circe, but I'm curious about what was going on in your mind at the time; when your friends were saying this, what were you hearing? What did he do to make you disbelieve them?

I just don't understand and I'm curious, not mocking you or anything . . .
I would be curious to know!
Heh - sorry, didn't mean to pique people's interest and run away!

It was a combination of factors. For one thing, he was my first boyfriend - I was with him from 17 to 24, and he asked me to marry him after three months or so. At that age, I had very high-falutin' notions of honesty and honor and living up to your obligations: I figured if you said you were going to love somebody forever, you'd damn well better mean it, even if they turned out to have issues. Not so much with the shades of grey ....

For another, I love my parents, but dear god, as romantic role models, they're dysfunctional. I genuinely thought all families were co-dependent in the extreme and a l'il emotionally abusive: it wasn't until I went away to graduate school and saw that there were alternatives that I realized that it really didn't have to be that hard.

I will say, though, that I don't resent any of my friends who pointed out the up-f*ckedness of the whole thing to me as it was happening, and appreciate the efforts they went to: if it hadn't been for them, who knows if I would have retained enough of a sense of boundaries and this-is-not-rightness to ever dump him. It was probably a headache for them, though! I don't feel too guilty, as I certainly repaid in kind by listening to their romantic travails over the years - isn't that what friendship is all about? Support, diverse perspectives, humor?
 

Circe

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QueenB29|1319650319|3048092 said:
That's a really tough spot to be in :(sad

I had a VERY similar problem with one of my friends about four years ago. Her boyfriend was a total, complete jerk. He actually "joked" about date-raping women :angryfire: I had no doubt that V not only thought drugging women to have sex with them was OK, but that he had probably actually done it :nono: When now-DH met this guy, I had to physically restrain him from punching V and DH is not a violent guy :(

I had met V before he and K started dating, when they were still just friends, and she already knew I couldn't stand him when this happened. After much soul-searching and agonizing with our mutual friend S, I decided that I had to say something to K. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't and then something happened to her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. All I said was "I'm only saying this because I love you, but I'm really concerned about the way that V talks about women." She insisted he was joking and that he treated her wonderfully, yadayadayada.

Four or five months later she called to tell me she and V were engaged, and that we couldn't be friends anymore because of the things I had said about him. Then our other friend S stopped talking to me as well ;(

I'm not going to lie, losing both friendships hurt. A lot. But given the same circumstances, I would do it again.

I guess my point is that you have to decide how egregious the things this guy says/does are, and then decide if you would be OK losing your friend. If he's just flirting and hitting on women, I would probably leave it alone. It wouldn't be worth it. Just socialize with her without him around. But if it's something like the situation I had, where he's doing/saying something truly disturbing and might be putting her at risk, I think you have to say something :knockout:

ETA: I just saw you have talked to her. I wouldn't say anything else at this point. (Although, I agree, he sounds like such a jerk.) Maybe just talk up your DH so she can compare?
Wow, he sounds like a winner. I think this also nicely illustrates another plus-side to speaking up: it saves you from having to socialize with someone you loathe. Hopefully it doesn't come at the expense of the original friendship (that, I think, says more about the friend than their SO), but a lifetime of double-dating with somebody who persistently made me cringe on behalf of a loved one would make my hackles rise.
 

chemgirl

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QueenB29|1319650319|3048092 said:
That's a really tough spot to be in :(sad

I had a VERY similar problem with one of my friends about four years ago. Her boyfriend was a total, complete jerk. He actually "joked" about date-raping women :angryfire: I had no doubt that V not only thought drugging women to have sex with them was OK, but that he had probably actually done it :nono: When now-DH met this guy, I had to physically restrain him from punching V and DH is not a violent guy :(

I had met V before he and K started dating, when they were still just friends, and she already knew I couldn't stand him when this happened. After much soul-searching and agonizing with our mutual friend S, I decided that I had to say something to K. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't and then something happened to her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. All I said was "I'm only saying this because I love you, but I'm really concerned about the way that V talks about women." She insisted he was joking and that he treated her wonderfully, yadayadayada.

Four or five months later she called to tell me she and V were engaged, and that we couldn't be friends anymore because of the things I had said about him. Then our other friend S stopped talking to me as well ;(

I'm not going to lie, losing both friendships hurt. A lot. But given the same circumstances, I would do it again.

I guess my point is that you have to decide how egregious the things this guy says/does are, and then decide if you would be OK losing your friend. If he's just flirting and hitting on women, I would probably leave it alone. It wouldn't be worth it. Just socialize with her without him around. But if it's something like the situation I had, where he's doing/saying something truly disturbing and might be putting her at risk, I think you have to say something :knockout:

ETA: I just saw you have talked to her. I wouldn't say anything else at this point. (Although, I agree, he sounds like such a jerk.) Maybe just talk up your DH so she can compare?
I didn't have to physically restrain DH from punching this guy, but he sure wanted to. Every time we're out with them DH says he has to struggle not to tell the guy off/hit him. Friend's fiance will tease her about her weight, make fun of her "small house" (um she has a house and he doesn't so wtf), and make jokes about her job. DH will sit there and get redder and redder. He's started complimenting her a lot to try and compensate for the rude behaviour and show her how a man should act, but yeah, doesn't sink in.
 

rubybeth

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chemgirl|1319641227|3047952 said:
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you congratulate your friend and act happy for her when you think she's making a huge mistake?
Yes, this has happened to me, twice, with two of my cousins. With the one I'm closest to, she admitted to having panic attacks after they were engaged, every time she thought about the wedding. I thought that was a red flag and posted on PS about it, for which I was told to basically keep my mouth shut and be supportive. I did that, told her I was there for her, offered to help with wedding stuff, and told her that nobody would be upset if she postponed, etc. without outright telling her "Don't do it!!" She appreciated my support, and she said so. Unfortunately, all kinds of sh*t went down during their first year of marriage--the wedding in May, living separately by Nov., divorced in April before their 1st anniversary. :(sad

I now wish I could go back and have a heart to heart with her, stating my love and concern for her and her happiness, and explaining that the guy didn't bring out the best in her and was a loser. She might have been upset, but, knowing her, I think she'd have been more grateful for someone trying to end the madness. She probably would not have done anything differently, but maybe she would have, you know?
 

chemgirl

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Gah, I don't see how she can possibly love this guy!

An example of what type of person he is:

He can't get car insurance anymore so she listed him as a secondary driver on her car (and paid a lot to do it). She lent him her car for a few days and he hit a retaining wall. There was a dent in the front and a scrape all down the side. He didn't tell her about it and left it in her driveway. She came home at night and drove to the store so she didn't see the scrape. She saw it the next morning when she was on her way to work and called him immediately. He claimed he didn't do anything to the car and said somebody must have hit her while she was out. She believes him. Fast forward a few days and she goes to his parent's house for dinner. There is paint from her car all the way down the retaining wall! He must have hit it. Here's the kicker. Her side mirror is collapsible and was scraped up and dented, but it wasn't collapsed when she got the car back. So that means he must have put it back in place! Him scratching her car isn't what I take issue with. Its the fact that he lied about it and tried to make her think she was responsible. He still denies doing it. She payed to fix the damage.

Now he drives her car almost exclusively. She used to drive while they were both going somewhere, but he teases her and makes fun of her driving so much that she won't drive if he's in the car. So now its essentially his car. He wins by making her feel 2 inches tall. Gah!

I want to shake her sometimes.
 

QueenB29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
440
"Wow, he sounds like a winner. I think this also nicely illustrates another plus-side to speaking up: it saves you from having to socialize with someone you loathe. Hopefully it doesn't come at the expense of the original friendship (that, I think, says more about the friend than their SO), but a lifetime of double-dating with somebody who persistently made me cringe on behalf of a loved one would make my hackles rise."

Good insight Circe. And yes, yes and yes!


"I didn't have to physically restrain DH from punching this guy, but he sure wanted to. Every time we're out with them DH says he has to struggle not to tell the guy off/hit him. Friend's fiance will tease her about her weight, make fun of her "small house" (um she has a house and he doesn't so wtf), and make jokes about her job. DH will sit there and get redder and redder. He's started complimenting her a lot to try and compensate for the rude behaviour and show her how a man should act, but yeah, doesn't sink in."

Awww, chemgirl, it sounds like you at least found a great guy! I always think that it speaks volumes when a guy thinks another guy is an a-hole.

Honestly, it sounds like your friend needs serious counseling to help her with her self esteem. That, to me, seems like the route of the problem. If her self esteem improves, no doubt she'll realize she deserves SOOOO much better. Perhaps the next time she's really down on herself, you could suggest this. "I love you so much, and it breaks my heart to hear you talk about yourself that way. Have you ever thought about talking to someone?"
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Oh dear...

I know how you feel though.

I and my sisters all loathe my brother's wife and did long, long before the wedding. She has now managed to even upset my mother to the point that she doesn't tell any of us off for venting about her anymore.

My brother asked me to help him with the engagement ring and at that point I gave it to him straight. I told him EXACTLY why I didn't like her and why she was wrong for him.

He still went ahead and married her and they now have one kid and another on the way. I think he is happy-ish. DH and I so hate being around her that we very rarely see them even though we both live in London. I used to see my brother at least every other week and we were always very close - I now see him a couple of times a year at best. If I know they are visiting my parents then I avoid being there at the same time.

I continually tell myself that she isn't that bad and then everytime I see her she goes and confirms it all x100. She's very passive aggressive and does/says everything out of my brother's sight. When he's there she is all breathy little girl and everything is just 'so amazing' and 'so wonderful' and the minute his back is turned she's deeply unpleasant and rude

I managed to have a baby the weekend of their wedding and so avoided having to go. My youngest sister did spend 2 hours sobbing down the phone about it though. My mother said that when she walked out of the church my SIL punched the air and went 'Yes' in triumph (she didn't think anyone saw).

Part of me still hopes that they will split up, but my brother is just the most honourable, responsible and conscientious of people and it wouldn't be him that did it and now there are kids involved...
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
swingirl|1319643445|3047987 said:
Has anyone ever been talked out of an engagement by a friend?
Yup. Well, it was his sister in law. But she was still being a good friend.

I hadn't talked much about what was going on, so people hadn't been trying to talk me out of it, but one other friend who had witnessed it had tried to talk to me. I bottled up, brushed it off. Not for long though. She was the first one I went to when I dumped him.
 
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