HELP!! How do I approach the subject??

[Lucy2]

Ok so I don't know if I'm alone here, but every time I bring up the subject of getting engaged, it ends in a fight. We're in our late 20's, been together for 5yrs, financially good, and want to have a baby soon - but where is the proposal???

He keeps saying we're going to get married and that I shouldn't worry, but it is seriously taking so long. He told me last spring that we could do a summer 2011 wedding, but that just doesn't seem possible anymore. He even asked me to look into diamonds - so I did and left him my notes, and I know he hasn't even bothered to look at them. Everytime I bring it up, he gets frustrated and doesn't understand why I obsess over it and why I can't just be happy with how things are right now. How can I properly approach the subject without making me look ungrateful and whiny?? I am just getting to the stage where I'm constantly setting myself up for disappointment, thinking a proposal is coming.

 

[amc80]

Ask him, calmly, to explain his hesitation. Make sure he knows that you are not trying to argue or convince him to propose or anything, but you just need to know where he's coming from. He might have a really good explanation. Of course, he might just be stalling, and you need to be prepared for that.

I had similar conversations (turned arguments) with my ex. Very similar situation, actually. We finally broke up because he told me he didn't know when or if he ever wanted to get married.

That break up was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

 

[Anonymous]

Maybe just talk to him honestly and calmly - even write a letter if you feel like you are worried that you'll start melting down. Are you worried that he's having second thoughts? If so, have you been able to communicate that feeling to him and does he understand? Is there a possibility that he's just been SUPER sneaky and has a proposal all planned out? You know him better than we do, obviously, but these are the questions that come to mind.

Maybe you could just talk to him and say "I don't want to keep bugging you about this, but you'd talked about a Summer of 2011 wedding and I'm not sure about what kind of time we'll need to prepare for that. Do you still want that? If so, can you work with me to figure out how much time we'll need and see if it's still going to be possible? If you don't want to talk about it, can you tell me if you have a definite plan because I'm struggling to go with the flow the way things are right now and I want to stop this pattern. It's really important to me that we talk about this and have a positive conversation vs it ending in a fight."

Anyhow, good luck with your chat. I hope it's ok that I'm posting more here today. I'm avoiding my own ball of icky issues by trying to help others with theirs.

 

[Lucy2]

Thanks, those are very helpful hints!!

I know he wants to get married because we talk about the wedding, having a baby soon etc etc. He is just very a workaholic and work seems to be coming first lately, which I totally get because he's working towards something v. big, but at the same time that shouldn't have an impact on when you propose to your gf (IMO).

 

[Anonymous]

Ahhh well that's helpful info! Does he happen to have downtime coming up w/the holidays? If so, I'd TRY to give him some space. Christmas/New Years are very popular proposal times. If he's working his tail off to make a little extra and you're sure that you're on the right track, maybe just have a little talk w/him that shares your concerns about not having any timeline that includes step "B" in the ABC (now = A, engagement = B, wedding = C). Acknowledge that you know he's really busy and you don't want to add to his stress. Mayyybe ask him how he'd feel about you scoping out a venue beforehand, if both of you are ok with doing that? If it's just a matter of worrying that you'll run out of time if he takes a while to propose, that would alleviate some of your stress about it. Good luck!

 

[amc80]

... but at the same time that shouldn't have an impact on when you propose to your gf (IMO).

Yes.

From the mouth of my boyfriend: "Guys are action people. If he wanted to be engaged, he would have proposed."

 

[chemgirl]

I'm trying to think of a way of saying this without sounding mean...

Firstly, is there any reason why he might see marriage in general as a bad thing? For example parents who were always fighting, bad first marriage, etc.?

Secondly, are you sure there aren't any issues he wants to resolve before getting married? Only you know your relationship, so you know best. There could be something that's causing him to hesitate. A nice calm talk might help this one.

Lastly (and where I get mean) are you sure he isn't just telling you what you want to hear? I only say this because of FI's past relationship and what I've heard about it. They were having a lot of major issues (again you know your relationship so you know if this is the case or not), but she kept on pushing for engagement anyway. She would bring up talks about weddings and he'd go along with it because he didn't want to be a jerk. He did think they'd probably get married someday, but he always saw it as something he would have to do (ie he said he would have married her if she happened to be pregnant or something like that), not something he wanted to do. They were together for 7 years so I can totally understand why she was pushing for the engagement. He eventually took a job in another city and it was the kick they both needed to get out of it. Not saying this is the case with your relationship, but I wouldn't really know either way.

 

[StonieGrl]

Excuses excuses.

I have never known a man to not follow through on something he really wanted. Mature emotionally healthy men follow through on things and they don't follow through on things being foisted on them by other people. Most guys would move heaven and earth to get the woman of their dreams, they don't vacillate, speak vaguely, or delay.

Without being sexist, actions speak louder than words. The fact that he has taken no action speaks volumes.

He doesn't want to. You're his right-now. He's not sure you'll be his tomorrow, next week, or next year's fill-in-the-blank.

The only question is whether or not you're good with that.

 

[AdanaEsq]

I definitely agree that you need to sit down and rationally speak to him and find out what he's waiting for. Does he have some goal in mind work-wise? Ask him what his timeline is. Maybe he doesn't understand that many people have a year or so to plan the wedding meaning if he wanted a summer 2011 wedding, he should have proposed by summer 2010. If he won't talk to you or give you solid answers then ask him if he needs time to think it over and then set a date to talk again. Say ok you haven't had enough time to evaluate the situation so think it over and we'll talk about it in 2 weeks (or a month whatever works for you).

 

[Maisie]

I really think its a bit worrying that you can't talk about this without him getting annoyed.

 

[sonnyjane]

Excuses excuses.

I have never known a man to not follow through on something he really wanted. Mature emotionally healthy men follow through on things and they don't follow through on things being foisted on them by other people. Most guys would move heaven and earth to get the woman of their dreams, they don't vacillate, speak vaguely, or delay.

Without being sexist, actions speak louder than words. The fact that he has taken no action speaks volumes.

He doesn't want to. You're his right-now. He's not sure you'll be his tomorrow, next week, or next year's fill-in-the-blank.

The only question is whether or not you're good with that.

I agree completely. I am happily married, and I never once - not a single, solitary time - had to have a "talk" with him about wanting to get married. Once we were in a serious relationship, it was the next obvious step, and I never had to push in any way, shape, or form. I don't think I could ever marry someone that I had to spend so much time and energy convincing to do so. It has been five years. The fact that you don't even feel comfortable talking to him about it isn't a good sign.

I think it's time for a serious reevaluation... Sorry, but that's how I see it

 

[Samara83]

Personally, I think some of you are being unreasonably harsh.
Lucy, have you ever thought about that he may be trying to find a time to stage a grand proposal? Or maybe this work thing will lead to him being able to afford a better ring? So many girls say they just want to get engaged, they don't care how the proposal happens, but I think many of us forget that the proposal may be a big deal to HIM. He knows your friends and family are going to ask you how it happened, so maybe he just doesn't want to throw together something ordinary.
I doubt this is a "not wanting to marry you" issue, since you've already talked about marriage and BTW, if you're planning on having a baby together, that is MUCH more of a commitment than marriage.

 

[StonieGrl]

I'm sure my reply sounded harsh. I have seen so many wonderful women friends of mine strung along by this kind of vague stuff and let me tell you, you will NEVER get back the time you spent with a guy who doesn't quite think you're The One.

Many of these wonderful friends of mine were even MORE crushed when their former 'guy' becomes engaged or marries less than a year after they leave for the BBD (bigger, better deal).

Although I kind of laid this behavior on the doorstep of mine, women do this too. I dated/was engaged to a very nice man that I just couldn't marry. The situation treated him badly, went on for too long, and I feel guilty about it today even though we are friendly with each other and he has been since married twice after our breakup.

It serves no one when a relationship becomes intimate in all ways and one person wants a commitment and the other just cannot seem to make one OR let the other person go.

Just my experience and observations.

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Whether the topic is marriage, finances, children, or vacations, you should be able to openly discuss ANYTHING with your SO, if you can't then that is a problem in and of itself.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I'm sure my reply sounded harsh. I have seen so many wonderful women friends of mine strung along by this kind of vague stuff and let me tell you, you will NEVER get back the time you spent with a guy who doesn't quite think you're The One.

Many of these wonderful friends of mine were even MORE crushed when their former 'guy' becomes engaged or marries less than a year after they leave for the BBD (bigger, better deal).

Although I kind of laid this behavior on the doorstep of mine, women do this too. I dated/was engaged to a very nice man that I just couldn't marry. The situation treated him badly, went on for too long, and I feel guilty about it today even though we are friendly with each other and he has been since married twice after our breakup.

It serves no one when a relationship becomes intimate in all ways and one person wants a commitment and the other just cannot seem to make one OR let the other person go.

Just my experience and observations.

+1

 

[galeteia]

Excuses excuses.

I have never known a man to not follow through on something he really wanted. Mature emotionally healthy men follow through on things and they don't follow through on things being foisted on them by other people. Most guys would move heaven and earth to get the woman of their dreams, they don't vacillate, speak vaguely, or delay.

Without being sexist, actions speak louder than words. The fact that he has taken no action speaks volumes.

He doesn't want to. You're his right-now. He's not sure you'll be his tomorrow, next week, or next year's fill-in-the-blank.

The only question is whether or not you're good with that.

+2

It's a little odd he's ready to talk about babies when he throws a hissy fit over discussion of an engagement timeline. Does he expect to start having kids before you are married? Does he realize it takes a year to plan a wedding?

It may be that he has something planned and is irritated that you keep bringing it up, but if an engagement is not forthcoming this holiday during his downtime, that's not a good sign.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Excuses excuses.

I have never known a man to not follow through on something he really wanted. Mature emotionally healthy men follow through on things and they don't follow through on things being foisted on them by other people. Most guys would move heaven and earth to get the woman of their dreams, they don't vacillate, speak vaguely, or delay.

Without being sexist, actions speak louder than words. The fact that he has taken no action speaks volumes.

He doesn't want to. You're his right-now. He's not sure you'll be his tomorrow, next week, or next year's fill-in-the-blank.

The only question is whether or not you're good with that.

I agree completely. I am happily married, and I never once - not a single, solitary time - had to have a "talk" with him about wanting to get married. Once we were in a serious relationship, it was the next obvious step, and I never had to push in any way, shape, or form. I don't think I could ever marry someone that I had to spend so much time and energy convincing to do so. It has been five years. The fact that you don't even feel comfortable talking to him about it isn't a good sign.

I think it's time for a serious reevaluation... Sorry, but that's how I see it

Yep yep yep. OP: if your boyfriend wanted to marry you then he would.

ETA: I've been happily married for 5 years and, like the previous poster that I quoted, never had to have any sort of a talk with DH about getting engaged and certainly never fought with him about it. When we got that serious in our relationship we got engaged fairly shortly thereafter.