help! engagement ring angst

[mimi789]

Hi -- I''ve lurked on these boards now and then over the last few weeks, but now I''m posting to ask for help in regaining some perspective on something that I feel silly even thinking about.

My FH and I chose the ring together. When we started shopping, I didn''t want a big diamond -- I wanted a ring as a symbol, but what I was gravitating towards were the pretty settings that happened to include a few small, decorative diamonds.

My FH, though, really seemed to gravitate to the more traditional-style rings, and we found a few settings that were very pretty and simple and nice.

We first started looking at half-carat rings, and then larger stones. He told me he wanted to get one that was 1.3 carats and I said absolutely not, that would not look right on me (I tend to dress casually, wear little makeup and rarely wear fancy jewelry) and it would be way too expensive.

I ended telling him that I absolutely didn''t want anything over 1 carat, and I meant it. He was disappointed -- he works in banking, and some of his coworkers have given really big diamonds to their wives -- but he said okay. He just gave me the ring and it''s gorgeous -- beautifully cut, and so brilliant. I love it. But I can tell he wishes it were a bigger diamond. And truth be told, there''s a part of me that now wishes it were bigger too -- I don''t really care about the "wow, what a big rock" sorts of reactions, but then again maybe part of me kinda does. I even feel a little bad, like, he''s spent all this money on it and he''s a little disappointed in it.

I''m fully aware of how fortunate we are to be able to put food on the table and afford a luxury item like this -- I went into this process thinking that it simply isn''t important to me, and now it''s on my mind in a way that has taken me completely by surprise.

Can you help me get my head on straight about this? I know how fortunate we are and just a few weeks ago a 1 carat diamond sounded like an incredible indulgence. I don''t know why I''m now feeling this way.

Thanks!!

 

[The sun is shining]

You''re experiencing DSS - Diamond Shrinking Syndrome. It''s perfectly normal. Everyone goes through it.

EIther upgrade now and tell him he was right (boys love to hear it!), or keep in mind you can ask for an upgrade at a later anniversary. If you got it from certain vendors, they doi have an upgrade policy, sob it might be worth checking it out.

It''s ok, don''t feel bad.

 

[Octavia]

Mimi, I think we have similar styles, so I can understand where you were coming from. I also don't think it's wrong to feel a little uncertain about having made such an expensive purchase, especially one you're going to wear every day. My FI chose my ring without input from me, and when he proposed he told me we could go change the ring if I didn't like it. I seriously, seriously thought about doing so, but I would have felt awful about "rejecting" his choice...and now I'm really glad I stayed with it. But it could have easily gone the other way.

That said, there's nothing wrong with having a smaller diamond, and to most of the world, 1 carat is huge! I think the "bigger is better" culture is more prevalent here (I'm assuming you're in the US) than most places, and can be exacerbated when you work in certain fields, like your FI does. The most important thing is that you like your ring, though, since you're the one who has to wear it! If you want a bigger stone and he wants a bigger stone, then there's no reason not to change it out unless you have a sentimental attachment to the original one. I think this is one of the things I'm always going to have to deal with, because I'm a terrible sentimental sap and I can't imagine ever bringing myself to upgrade.

If you really do like the ring and don't want to change it, and your FI really wants to spend more money on jewelry for you, there are always RHRs, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, eternity bands

...there's really no shortage of ways for him to spend money on sparklies. Even though you say you don't wear jewelry much, there are always those occasions when it's good to have.

Since your engagement is new, I think you should let it be for another week or two to see if you get used to the ring. If you're still feeling this way after that, then consider other options.

And congratulations to both of you!

 

[septembergirl]

This is just my opinion, but if he is okay with the idea to go slightly larger and the current purchase is something you both seem to doubt a little bit right now, and you can defintily afford to go bigger, I say sure, why not? It is still early enough that you can both change your minds. I know for me personally, I do like bigger stones, and I currently wear a 1.4 that has a halo, and even after having this for over a year now, I sometimes suffer from shrinkage, but I am very fortunate that my husband and I were able to afford this and I love him for letting me have it. I don''t wear any other jewelry, and I am pretty casual most of the time, but I still make my wedding set my statement piece.

 

[motownmama]

did you buy it somewhere where they have an upgrade program?

 

[mimi789]

Good to hear I''m not the only one with DSS. I''ll give myself a little while to think it over and possibly look into upgrade programs. Thanks for the suggestions!

 

[tberube]

Date: 6/23/2008 11:07:21 PM
Author: The sun is shining
You're experiencing DSS - Diamond Shrinking Syndrome. It's perfectly normal. Everyone goes through it.


EIther upgrade now and tell him he was right (boys love to hear it!), or keep in mind you can ask for an upgrade at a later anniversary. If you got it from certain vendors, they doi have an upgrade policy, sob it might be worth checking it out.


It's ok, don't feel bad.

I agree. You're a lucky gal, and he is a rare, lucky man.

Any chance we can see a few pics of that ring?

 

[carabella]

Go for the bigger stone while he''s still up for it!

 

[marcy]

If you both think a bigger stone would be better for you and you can afford - I''d get it now.

 

[chiquitapet]

I had a similar story. My hubby wanted to get me a 1 carat, but I insisted on under 1 carat, because I thought 1 carat would look too big on me (stupid concern looking back) and that it would be way too expensive. Not long after getting my ring, I started thinking that we should have gone larger... I`ve been wearing my ring for about 5 months now, and I love it, but I still go through DSS on/off phases. Sometimes I think there`s no way I`m going to upgrade this ring we chose together, some other times I really want to have a bigger rock on my finger. So my advice is as described above: 1. Find out if there is an upgrade policy. If not, this settles the dilemma. 2. Enjoy your ring for couple of weeks and see how you feel. 3. Also consider the sentimental value of your ring, as this will always be the ''original''.

Keep us updated!!

 

[justjulia]

It''s just a diamond (sorry to be so blunt, but hey, it''s a rock) so why not go look and see what''s out there? Assuming you have a good upgrade policy, I don''t see any reason why you can''t go "look." There are amazing stones out there that while might have a slightly warmer color (which can be greatly masked by a good cut) and undetectable inclusions, are great performers, and look HUGE. Diamonds cut for engagement rings are an art, and there''s a whole lotta art out there!

(This coming from an old salt who has changed around diamonds too many times to mention and whose husband doesn''t mind the hunt...)
(It''s supposed to be fun.)

Enjoy yourself and try not to angst too much. We all go through this!