He Can''t Afford It?

[zdrastvootya]

Hi Soulsis,

I think your feelings are valid on this.

I think it's reasonable for the receiver to want some bragging rights on the ring. Not the "my ring is bigger and better than everyone else's", but something comparable to what others around you have that has nice qualities on its own. I would never want to put my GF in the position of explaining why the ring is noticeably smaller than her peers'. (Her peers aren't millionaires, thankfully.) The ring reflects (pardon the pun) on both of us.

While some may argue that the comparison game is childish, and they won't participate, I can't help thinking some will get embittered about the issue as it recurs and they try hard to ignore it. You can't get a ring and then tell everyone to mind their own business. I think the ring triggers memories and feelings; I think they should be the right ones.

Don't know if that made any sense.

Z.

ps. I guess in your case, it's more what you had before that what your contemporaries have, but sounds like he can afford it, and he should make you happy. Maybe there's some middle ground? Think you should have a heart to heart about the issues involved, if possible.

 

[valeria101]

I must be mising something....

It sounds like your future husband takes great pride in that ring, and you have relatively high expectations as well. These two points of view sound like a match made in Haven

Do you know what he is planning to get you ?

Too bad the 'old' diamond has to go down the drain, but, well... worse happens. You could trade it in later for a less emotionally charged piece of jewelry, right ?

 

[LuvthatSparkle]

I was trying to read this thread yesterday but go figure I actually had to work!

I am working on my second engagnement ring and after the fiasco of my first engagment I admit I'm much more controlling and have no shame. My Ex. and I talked about getting engaged I went full speak ahead and got very excited. I showed him some rings I liked....etc. etc. After one our forays he pulled me aside and said "I appreciate your input but I want to do this on my own". My reply was "now you know what I like so I will trust you". After 10 months of waiting, a huge buildup and everyone buzzing, he took me on vacation, popped the question and pulled out the ring. It was terrible, and I felt terrible for thinking it was terrible. I didn't understand it........he had the money, (IT Tech for Prudential $$$$$). The ring was a .67 solitaire when I love antiques, etc. etc. It did have a beautiful cut so I cleaned it everyday, that was the only way I could stand it. I felt like crap, selfish, matieralistic and confused. Turns out he was a control freak and we had lots of other issues..............Now I'm much more involved my only concern is stealing his thunder and after a brief conversation with the folks here at pricescope and with my boyfriend "stealing his thunder is no longer a concern" . We talk about it all the time and I'm very involved, he understands me and I understand him and his budget. I don't ever want to feel like I felt before, it really is a horrible feeling. Whatever you decide, decide it together, make sure your happy with it.

 

[soulsis]

I am working on my second engagnement ring and after the fiasco of my first engagment I admit I'm much more controlling and have no shame. My Ex. and I talked about getting engaged I went full speak ahead and got very excited. I showed him some rings I liked....etc. etc. After one our forays he pulled me aside and said 'I appreciate your input but I want to do this on my own'. My reply was 'now you know what I like so I will trust you'. After 10 months of waiting, a huge buildup and everyone buzzing, he took me on vacation, popped the question and pulled out the ring. It was terrible, and I felt terrible for thinking it was terrible. I didn't understand it........he had the money, (IT Tech for Prudential $$$$$). The ring was a .67 solitaire when I love antiques, etc. etc. It did have a beautiful cut so I cleaned it everyday, that was the only way I could stand it. I felt like crap, selfish, matieralistic and confused. Turns out he was a control freak and we had lots of other issues..............Now I'm much more involved my only concern is stealing his thunder and after a brief conversation with the folks here at pricescope and with my boyfriend 'stealing his thunder is no longer a concern' . We talk about it all the time and I'm very involved, he understands me and I understand him and his budget. I don't ever want to feel like I felt before, it really is a horrible feeling. Whatever you decide, decide it together, make sure your happy with it.


That's how I feel. I don't want to sound like a total whacko or anything. I would hate having to look at a ring that I found unattractive. My DF and I talked a little about this yesterday. I asked him how he would felt if I made pretty good coin and I bought him a Beaumont (his favorite car) for his birthday, except it was powder pink with a big ugly spolier on it. Would he drive it? He was like..."Probably not". He understood right away where I was coming from.

 

[LuvthatSparkle]

That's how I feel. I don't want to sound like a total whacko or anything. I would hate having to look at a ring that I found unattractive. My DF and I talked a little about this yesterday. I asked him how he would felt if I made pretty good coin and I bought him a Beaumont (his favorite car) for his birthday, except it was powder pink with a big ugly spolier on it. Would he drive it? He was like..."Probably not". He understood right away where I was coming from.
____________________




Yeah, funny how they understand when you relate it to sports or vehicles! LOL/idealbb/images/smilies/9.gif I'm glad you had the conversation, keep talking. Before I met my boyfriend I was working on a 3-stone ring. Tired of waiting for Mr. Right so why not do it myself. Now with my ring almost 1/2 completed (1.50 center and .67 side from the Ex.) we're talking about getting engaged. He will probably take over payments on the center stone and I'm going to sell the old stone from the Ex. What I'm trying to say is, there's atleast a hundred different ways to do this, it's all up to you and your man. Everybody's opinions can take a hike! My mom loves to say "Don't let people SHOULD all over you!" "ya shouldn't do this" and "ya shouldn't do that" yadda yadda. Most folks have their own agenda when they say stuff like that. I will say this, have your conversations, but don't push if he's open GREAT! But this is a nation of independant working women, you don't need to look to him to fulfill all your dreams, you can always do it for yourself. What matters is that his heart is in the right place. What hurt me with my Ex. was that I was never sure about what was in his heart.

 

[Bruce M]

As a man I liked the approach of Researcher (example of the golf clubs) and Allisonfaye. I liked Luvthatsparkle's second post about women being independent. I didn't like her first one at all. Maybe the difference is only semantics but she came across as controlling instead of independent in the first one. It would rub me the wrong way if she was my fiancee.

The kind of language that would work for me is hearing my fiancee's feelings and needs for herself and her willingness to contribute, without dictating a plan or specifications to me. After all she wants it to be a gift involving my own creativity and planning. I may fall short in delivering the "perfect" diamond if my knowledge and ability aren't up to hers. Which is almost inevitable if she's been thinking about diamond rings for years and I didn't give them a second thought until a few months ago. But that's who I am, and if she wants a gift from me that expresses who I am, that's something she needs to consider.

If she wants to control the whole thing by picking out her own ring and diamond, then she should call a spade a spade and not pretend it's something I pick out. She should just do all the research and shopping herself, place an order, and hand me the bill. Because in that situation my only role is to pay it. Why pretend my feelings about the ring matter if that's all I'm doing?

I'm not saying you should compromise to the point you get a ring you feel unhappy with. I don't think you should live with something you are the slightest bit unhappy about. So your needs should definitely be communicated to him as you appear to have done now. And your willingness to contribute to the ring is wonderful. If it was me though I'd be prepared to listen to his needs in the whole thing too and work out a creative solution that meets all of them. If he doesn't want your ex's money going into it, fine. Maybe you put in other money you have or pay him back half or whatever over time?

Whatever the solution it should meet the needs of both of you with both people contributing to the solution. Not selling out your needs or asking him to sell out his. Not being so dependent on him he's supposed to fix the problem without practical help from you, or him being allowed to patronize you by taking total control of the situation. From your last message it looks like you're already well on the way of handling it well.

 

[Nicrez]

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

My fiance was set to gt me a round stone, which in all honesty is the LASTtype of stone I would have gottne for myself. His ring choices also was quite different from what I wanted. We TALKED about such things. I guess what made it much easier was that he understood that I was going to wear it for years to come and that I wanted something that most reflected ME.

He knows how I am, how demanding or accomadating I can be. When it comes to cars and men, it's quite similar to women and our diamonds! Not long ago we purchased a car. I wanted something very practical. We got a practical car after all my griping and guilting him into it. He hated it. He had to drive it at least 2hrs back and forth to work. NOW we got a car that makes him happy. It makes him VERY happy, spending almost $10K over our budget, and you can't imagine how happy he is! Granted that money could have paid for our wedding details, but honestly, I would rather less flowers than to see him pouting for months...

You need to talk this out with him, and explain to him how you like certain types of looks, and if he wanted to make you totally happy with a material good, THIS SPECIFICALLY would make you happy, and show him specific examples. Sometimes it's tough for a guy to understand a woman's taste or wants, but you have to make those things clear, and hopefully he will be receptive to your wants and what makes you happiest.

Good luck, but DO remember that it ISN'T the ring (or the car) that make people happiest. If they were lost or destroyed, hopefully the love between two people won't be... It's about compromise, so see what you guys can come up with!

 

[websailor]

I basically agree with everyone who has said talk about it, communicate with each other.

One other thought I haven't seen expressed - if you take the cost of an e-ring and think about what the annual cost of the e-ring is on an annual basis (over say, 40-50 years), it's pretty insignificant usually.....

Picking some arbitrary, easy to calculate numbers --- $10,000 / 50 years = $200/year. Certainly my SO is worth that much!

 

[Bagpuss]

Having now read that soulsis's fh does earn enough to get her her dream ring but chooses not to, I think she should be more forceful about her wish for a bigger diamond. In my opinion, he is the one being rather controlling here.




She isn't some impossibly young gushing first time bride who'd take a plastic ring if it were offered and think it lovely; she's an experienced woman who knows what she likes. I think that he should understand this and tailor his ideas and budget accordingly.

 

[anniek]

Hi,

I've been a looong time luker on this site-and love it.

I felt compelled to reply to this thread as I’ve been in somewhat the same boat.

I am a diamond jewelry freak. FREAK! None of my friends or family understands, and mostly they just roll their eyes. I also have really expensive taste.

My boyfriend of 4 years and I are about to get engaged and he has a budget hat is less than half of what I’d hoped. I’ve just found out that he has been searching for the last 6 months for a ring design that he thinks I would like, but that also fits that budget. Nothing doing. He wasn’t sleeping and was seriously stressing over this. Finally he talked with me about it a few weeks ago and came clean with exactly how much he wanted to spend- Egads! I earn substantially more than he does and offered to pitch in- which he took great offense to (he’s way more romantic/chivalrous than I). He said he wanted to wait and save up more $$. I decided that it was important to me that he know whatever he could offer me was enough (ring or otherwise)- and I didn’t want either one of us to look at this object everyday and have any sort of bad feelings. So, I used my years of lurking here and we’re in the process of having an eternity ring made that, although it would not have been my original choice, I’m freakishly excited about. I'm loving that it will be traditional- I've not seen one worn alone in my area.

My point is that there is a place where you can both be really happy….it just might not be the place you thought it would be.

 

[tjcarst]

Very well said anniek.

 

[mrmcpa]

I can understand your feelings, as I just went through a similar situation with my 20 year upgrade in June. I had a .58 ct round that my husband bought for me when we were married 20 years ago. I told him for the past 2 years that I wanted an upgrade for our 20th anniversary. All I said was I wanted more than one carat. He is also making excellent money and it would have not been a financial hardship of any kind. When it came down to the "day" in June, my husband told me he thought diamonds were a waste of money. This was after I had worked to pay for the purchase and restoration of 2 classic Mustang cars for him!! Plus last year he bought a $20,000 motorcycle. A couple of days later, when we were out to dinner I bought the subject up again and explained to him that while he felt cars and motorcycles were things he wanted and worth the expense, a larger diamond and jewelry were the types of things I wanted. I also explained to him that I supported his interests even though they weren't necessarily the kinds of things I was interested in or even liked because I loved him and wanted him to be happy, and I would expect the same from him. He though about it for a minute and told me, "Go take $X,XXX and buy the ring you want." So after careful shopping and help from a jeweler friend, I ended up with a beautiful D color, SI 1 eye clean round brilliant of 1.37 carats. It's beautiful and I love it although he has never expressed a real interest in the ring of any kind. And that's ok with me, because it's not his thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is TALK, TALK, TALK. There are going to be so many difficult topics as you go through your life together and if you can start off by discussing the difficult things then you have a big head start. Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[Blueman33]

----------------
On 10/24/2004 9:21:33 PM mrmcpa wrote:

I can understand your feelings, as I just went through a similar situation with my 20 year upgrade in June. I had a .58 ct round that my husband bought for me when we were married 20 years ago. I told him for the past 2 years that I wanted an upgrade for our 20th anniversary. All I said was I wanted more than one carat. He is also making excellent money and it would have not been a financial hardship of any kind. When it came down to the 'day' in June, my husband told me he thought diamonds were a waste of money. This was after I had worked to pay for the purchase and restoration of 2 classic Mustang cars for him!! Plus last year he bought a $20,000 motorcycle. A couple of days later, when we were out to dinner I bought the subject up again and explained to him that while he felt cars and motorcycles were things he wanted and worth the expense, a larger diamond and jewelry were the types of things I wanted. I also explained to him that I supported his interests even though they weren't necessarily the kinds of things I was interested in or even liked because I loved him and wanted him to be happy, and I would expect the same from him. He though about it for a minute and told me, 'Go take $X,XXX and buy the ring you want.' So after careful shopping and help from a jeweler friend, I ended up with a beautiful D color, SI 1 eye clean round brilliant of 1.37 carats. It's beautiful and I love it although he has never expressed a real interest in the ring of any kind. And that's ok with me, because it's not his thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is TALK, TALK, TALK. There are going to be so many difficult topics as you go through your life together and if you can start off by discussing the difficult things then you have a big head start. Hope this helps. Good luck.----------------

I mean this totally from the heart. Guys have to get a clue! You got the 'guy' clue and didn't have a heart attack over the Mustangs and the bike. I would totally buy you the ring you want.

Women tend to spend more on certain things, like jewelry, clothes, manicures, whatever. Guys tend to spend more on things like cars or sports tickets or big screen t.v.'s.....I'm OK, you're OK. He should get you a nice stone INHO. A $20k bike is cleary luxury, so he should give you some luxury!

I am sure he loves you to death, but he just needs focus INHO. some guys, including myself, just need a little bit more training.