Having trouble with... MY MOTHER!!

[nicoleben]

Hello Ladies.

I guess this is just a little vent. I have only been engaged a little over a month and the wedding is Oct 15th, 2011. I am upset over my own mothers actions!

It seems every single time I mention what I want in my wedding or at the reception, she always has an extremely negative comment. I am baffled that she even bought my dress for me. It was very vintage looking, so we are going with a black and ivory vintage theme with accents of deep red large roses for the wedding. All I hear from her is "no one does that for a wedding!, you have to wear a veil in the church( in reality you do not HAVE to!), ewww why those colors, why would you do that as a favor?" I am at my wits end, and I just cried today.

I think I would take it better if it was a friend saying this to me, but this is my mother and it hurt me. I came home from her house, and just bawled like a child .. (Maybe I am being childish?? Please let me know if I am ) or maybe I'm PMS'ing? Bahhhh


She told me having deep red shoes for me and my bridesmaids is definitely not something to do at a wedding (HELLOOO IVE SEEN THIS DONE A MILLION TIMES!!) It's also odd because my mom is so up-to-date with trends. She shops at express, limited, so she has fashion sense... and then I mentioned wrapping the vases in a lace, place deep red roses in them,and draping ivory pearls over them.. mothers comment: "Ewwwww lace no, you don't need that!!"

 

[Autumnovember]

Nicole,

I completely understand how hurt you are. My mom is my bestest friend so I value her opinion tremendously and I assume the same is true for you and your mom.

I'm so sorry she is not being supportive of the choices you're making for your wedding.

The only thing that I can suggest doing is communicating to her how much this hurts you. If you continue to just take what she says, she is going to inevitably continue doing it.

Explain to her that her opinions matter a lot to you and you would really like her support throughout the wedding process. Hopefully this clears things up for her and she is able to see that she is hurting you.

 

[monarch64]

Hi NB--sorry to hear you're already having concerns with your mom over the wedding.

Question: is mom paying for the wedding (or mom & dad?) If so, I think you'll have to develop a bit of a thicker skin about her opinions because she will have the right to not only voice her opinions but have a large amount of input in any decisions made.

That said, maybe it's time for a casual lunch at a restaurant you both enjoy and at which the ambience is conducive to a long talk. I'm just thinking neutral location, not your place, not hers, but someplace you both normally feel peaceful. It could be something besides a restaurant...a park, or friend's home, whatever.

You've grown up, and mom is having to learn that Nicole is no longer going to be her little girl in a year. Tough for mom, who has probably dressed you and made lots of decisions for you throughout your life. (totally assuming here, hope that's ok). Mom thinks she knows best. YOU think mom usually knows best, you even mentioned it when you stated that she is stylish and has a contemporary style when shopping at the mall, etc. I think your mom wants to make sure she's included, and to make sure that all of your choices meet her approval because she cares a lot about what guests will think, because she feels it will be a reflection on her taste and style. Can't really argue with that unless you and your (is it Ben?) are paying for the wedding. She does deserve some say.

Talk to her. The focus of the conversation should be that you of course care about her opinions and that you respect her advice. Then just say that it's hurtful to you when she disses your ideas so quickly and isn't open to at least tweaking them. Tell her you want to include her (if you do) in the planning of your wedding and that you VALUE her input and hope that she values yours (and this is very important BECAUSE SHE RAISED YOU AND YOU TYPICALLY SHARE MANY OF HER IDEALS/TASTES/STYLE/ETC. Flatter her. Try not to be obstinate. We have a saying in the South: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I'm not trying to say that you need to be manipulative. I'm suggesting that you frame the conversation in such a way that she feels good, you state your opinions, and you let her know that her opinions are also valid and valued by you.

Also think about times you agreed on something--a prom dress, a car, some decor in your room, anything. Bring that up--"mom, we worked well on this issue, so I'm sure we can come to terms on wedding related things as well!"

I cannot speak from personal experience, but my heart goes out to you. Every gal would like their mom's approval especially when planning a life event like their wedding. My mother was very hands-off and careful to let me secure what my vision was for my 1st wedding and I was so grateful. That is not every mother, and I don't know that if I had a daughter I would have the strength and patience to do that. I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Hope my advice helps if even a little.

 

[bebe]

Introduce her some bridal sites and blogs. Maybe she just isn't aware of what is being done at weddings these days.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Your mother sounds eerily like my own. She shot down just about every idea I had and she could backtrack on her own opinions like you wouldn't believe.

My parents footed the majority of our wedding bill. As soon as my mother began planning it as though it were her own wedding, I sent her an email that basically said, "While S and I completely appreciate your generosity in paying for most of the wedding, we would be just as happy to have a small destination wedding that we could afford." Once my mother realized that it was either pay for the wedding I wanted and have all of her friends there, or not give us a dime and have it only be very close family and friends (ie. none of her friends), she decided to back off a little.

I should go back through some of my emails to my MOH about my mother so I can remember some of her specific requests. When I was wavering on a color scheme (I went with gunmetal gray and eggplant) and told her I was considering going with a green and yellow palate, she said "Oh no! I look DREADFUL in yellow AND green. You CANNOT pick those colors."

Halfway through dinner at my reception, I looked at my mother and she gave me the 'thumbs up' sign. Your mother might be driving you crazy now, but take her criticism with a grain of salt. She'll probably end up loving most of what you chose to do. And if you have a close friend or family member you can vent to, don't hesitate. I haven't fought with my mother like I did during wedding planning since I was in high school. Sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people.

 

[vc10um]

Monnie, as usual, gave you some absolutely amazing advice!

Weddings bring out the crazy in perfectly normal, rational people. I know that because I am having a rough time with my mother as well. While some of her comments haven't been as negatively framed as your mother's, they've been just as hurtful...including my personal favorite (after telling her we were having a Sunday wedding with a reception at the best BBQ restaurant in Kansas City): "Well, are you even going to wear a REAL dress? Is this even a REAL WEDDING?" So I definitely feel your pain.

Do what Monnie said. It's what we did. And while my mom still can be difficult to handle sometimes while dealing with the wedding, I ended up taking the advice of some friends and totally let go of one aspect she ended up being surprisingly excited about and about which I cared very little: the favors. She's choosing them (with my approval which I've already given), ordering them, taking care of everything involving them...and once I did that...once I trusted her 100% with even this small aspect of my wedding...she's become way more agreeable and just generally happier with the rest of the event. So, is there a small aspect of your wedding that you can just "let go" of and let her take ownership? Maybe the programs? Favors? Garter?

 

[stephbolt]

Nicole, I went through something similar with my mother. When she got married in the 70s, her mother planned almost the entire wedding. She said that was typical for her friends and family. So I think she had a similar expectation that she would plan my wedding, which I was not ok with! We definitely butted heads a bit early on in the planning process.

What helped me was first, really showing my mom where I was getting ideas. I showed her the magazines, websites, etc. that I was inspired by so she understood some things that seemed unfamiliar to her were actually very common. Second, I deferred to my mom on some decisions that were less important to me. She had very strong feelings about using a particular florist. I wanted to interview a bunch and get quotes. Ultimately I just let her pick the florist - I still got to exercise creative control over what they looked like but she felt like she had been responsible for picking something still. Are there any decisions that would fall into your mom's area of expertise? Any vendors you need her help researching? Try and find a way to include her. Good luck!

 

[rhbgirl24]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this....

However everything that you mention sounds absolutely stunning to me!!!

 

[stepcutgirl]

I can't help you on the mom thing because for the most part my mom has been on board with my ideas and the ones we didn't see eye to eye on if it wasn't important to me, I let her make the decision. But what I did want to say was I like your ideas! My wedding is black and white with hot pink accents and I am wearing hot pink shoes! I think the red will be a nice accent and I love colored wedding shoes!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Weddings bring out the crazy in people, no doubt about it. I would talk to her and reflect back at her that your feelings are hurt when she makes negative comments. She may not realize she is doing it or that it is hurtful, it might just be motivated by her own baggage.

 

[nicoleben]

So after I had vented last night, my mother called me this morning and apologized. I had to leave work early today due to a kidney infection in which my doctor thought was a kidney stone (totally off subject, sorry) So... mom called me and asked me to lunch. We met up for lunch and I told her that what she says is hurtful. I explained to her that I do not think she quite grasps the idea of me trying to have a different type of style to my wedding. She apologized and said.. " I looked at your ideas on the internet, and I have to say, it's a cute idea." We can to a consensus that I would only wear the deep red shoes, not my bridesmaids. I was fine with that. Especially since it is MY day. We then proceeded to go to A.C.Moore and Micheals for vases and ideas of how to come up with nice centerpieces. This all went fine. I know she is overly excited to make each centerpiece, she even sent me photos of favors for guests which were completely adorable, and said she would even buy them for me..

As of right now, Ryan and I (Ben is not his name, its the beginning of my last name hehe ) are saving all of our money and paying for the majority of the wedding. His parents insist on helping us out, and so does my mother, but no one will come up with concrete plans as to how much and when. Even if they didn't help us at all, we are saving enough so we can afford the wedding ourselves. If people end up helping along the way, or in the end, or give as a gift, then that's great and we appreciate everything! So far his mother insisted on buying me the square vases I wanted even when I didn't ask her too, my mother bought my dress, my mother stated she is buying favors.. My mother is also paying for my bridal shower, and not asking my bridesmaids for a dime (i thought that was very nice!)

I appreciate everything everyone does! I am so very grateful for that, but I think because she is my best friend and we share a lot of the same interests is what made the comments hurt. I love my mom. She is smart, beautiful and strong.. My stepfather talked to me about the situation and said that he knew my mother is a very difficult person because she is stuck on her ways, but she will give me helpful advice and do not take what she says to heart. She loves me and just wants what is best for me.. So thankfully that is blown over for now, and hopefully forever haha

Thank you ladies for the comments! It is nice to know I am not alone. The advice is always great on this site

 

[monarch64]

Great for you, Nicole and Ryan! I am so happy to hear that things have worked out for you thus far!