Having kids at 35+

[curlygirl]

Janine, I get a little out of control on this subject but it''s only because it hits so close to home! Anyway, regarding a preconception visit, I had actually never heard of that until I read it on this board! When I knew I wanted to get pregnant, my doctor just told me to go off the pill, gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and told me to have sex!!! I was taking folic acid every day for years because I had a few abnormal pap smears so that was really the only thing I had done to "prepare". I suppose if I had any kind of history of genetic illnesses, I might have had some testing done prior to ttc but I didn''t fall into any of the risky groups. When I went for my first actual prenatal exam after finding out I was pregnant, they ran a battery of blood tests to look for everything from hepatitis to cystic fibrosis to HIV. I don''t even know what else they checked for but I know that they took 9 vials of blood out of me! So unless you fall into a group that is predisposed to certain conditions, I don''t think it''s necessary to have any testing before.

 

[E B]

If I said something that caused people to feel defensive, I honestly didn't mean to. I don't know a whole lot about the subject, just the standard "certain risks are higher", which is why I posted that website with the information IndependentGal re-posted.

 

[janinegirly]

no worries ebree (and your link was helpful), but in general people should avoid posting generalities about such sensitive topics. if you are very educated on the topic or in the medical profession, definitely help keep us all informed. I do like hearing from those in their 30's on this topic though. because that's the best benchmark/statistic of them all!

 

[TravelingGal]

Tali, that''s interesting...I never thought of why exactly 35 is the magic number. Thanks!

This thread doesn''t depress me...I like beating odds and I take them with a grain of salt. The magic number 35 never bothered me, especially because in my group of friends everyone is having kids in their 30s. I was never warned about 35 by my doc either...she just said, don''t wait until you''re 40...so maybe that''s the number I had in my head. Honestly, age was more of a concern for me when I calculated how old the kid would be when he went to college. I wanted to be younger to have some time to travel later on in life!

I wouldn''t have been ready in my 20s. Now in my 30s, I have a great husband (and I''m a bit wiser on how to make a relationship work), have done a bit of traveling, have a great career that pays well AND allows me to work from home, and am finally settled a bit. I really can''t complain!

 

[ellaila]

Date: 11/1/2007 12:24:45 PM
Author: EBree
If I said something that caused people to feel defensive, I honestly didn''t mean to. I don''t know a whole lot about the subject, just the standard ''certain risks are higher'', which is why I posted that website with the information IndependentGal re-posted.

No worries, EBree! I was being defensive on my own, not because of anything anyone in particular said! It''s just something that affects me personally, that''s all. I think it''s great that this thread is here and letting people know about our real-life stories rather than just textbook risks that can scare the bejesus out of people. The proof is in the pudding as they say (actually I''m such a word geek that I just looked up that expression and learned that the correct phrase is actually, "the proof of the pudding is in the eating" -- so now you know

)

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, maybe the take-home lesson is: at 35, you are way way more likely to get pregnant and have a healthy baby (and be healthy yourself while preg) than not. At 25, you are way way way way more likely than not. And for those who need those extra few "ways", earlier is better. For those who are comfortable with ''extremely like'' and don''t need ''overwhelmingly likely'', there is nothing to worry about.

Extremely likely is still pretty damn likely!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/31/2007 7:52:08 PM
Author: surfgirl
zoe, as someone who has chosen to not have children, I have to say that that highlighted portion of your statement to me, says it all. Let me tell you why I/we dont have kids and maybe that will make it clearer to you...I work in a field where I see underserved, impoverished children all the time. And at home I am surrounded by so many kids that are badly parented. And I wonder, WHY do so many people have kids when they seem to dislike being parents?!? It''s really stressful and much of the time its a thankless job so WHY do people do it when it doesn''t seem like they even enjoy it? Most will say, if asked, ''I dont know. You get married, you have kids. Isn''t that what you''re supposed to do?'' So I have deduced over time and asking a lot of people, that many folks dont really think about the implications children will have on their lives and if they''re willing to give up certain things for that. To me, one should just be absolutely dying to be a parent. I''m not talking about dying to ''have kids'', I''m talking about dying to ''be a parent'' and all that that implies. God knows it implies a lot! I''ve never dreamed of being pregnant or giving birth (quite frankly, that part rather disgusts me if I''m being honest!) or being a mother. And therefore, with ALL the unwanted children out there in the world, I think I should only have a child IF I''m just dying for that parenting experience. If I ever really felt the need, I would rather adopt a needy child without a loving home. I think if everyone that wanted kids, first adopted an unwanted child, and THEN decided if they want another one, that would be awesome! But I just cant justify it for myself though. And I dont think there is anything wrong with people who do not want children. I think it''s a personal choice, but again, based on that sentence you said above, I''m not thinking you really REALLY are dying to be a parent. Just my two cents though...I''m happy with a puppy...

Your post really touched me, surfgirl... My FI believes that the only reason his father married his mother and had children with her is this. It''s unspeakably sad and FI was raised in an unspeakably sad home. His father obviously resents his family life. My FI, on the other hand, is desperate to have children. He is wonderful with them and he loves them so... Talk about the apple falling far from the tree.

zoe - I''m not sure there''s a right answer to your question, not from us anyway. I''ve always wanted children so the idea of not wanting them is somewhat strange to me, but I do understand that not having children is right for some people. About the age issue, everytime I say I want to wait for kids (yes, I''m not even married and I''ve already started to be badgered with this question), I get flooded with warnings and "statistics" and get told I should have them before 30. Personally, I don''t really share these concerns, for all the reasons Indy posted. When I''ll become a parent I will be one for life, so I want to enjoy my "non-parent" state for a while! And as far as statistics go, as a biologist I''ve learned that you can make them say pretty much anything. Sadly, a lot of people don''t realize that.

 

[kelley1975]

Date: 10/31/2007 8:56:44 PM
Author: EBree
Since several people have already mentioned the ''with age comes increased risk for _____'', I''ll copy Robbie and give a couple of real-life examples.

I was born to a woman in her late 30s: my mom turned 38 the week before I was born. I don''t know if this matters, but my mom is incredibly healthy and energetic even now, in her 60s. On the opposite side of the coin, a woman in one of my pregnancy communities just gave birth to her first child at 40, and the child has Down Syndrome.

Since I don''t know enough about the subject to expound, here''s a website with information about Pregnancy After 35:

WebMD: Pregnancy after 35

I just wanted to chime in....I am an RN that works in a NICU...I would have to say that probably 90% of the Downs Syndrome babies that I have seen were actually born to pretty young moms--several in their 20''s. So, although the risk definately increases as we get older, it is still a risk at any age. I have seen tons of perfect, healthy babies born to moms over 35 (and 40).

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 11/1/2007 10:29:50 AM
Author: ellaila
This thread is depressing me too because at 36, you''re all making me feel like a dinosaur!

I got pregnant at 35 with NO fertility treatment whatsoever -- and we weren''t even ''trying''! I''d been on the pill for 10 years, was off it for four, and then BAM, preggo. I am having twins, but I think that''s because they run in my family and not necessarily because of my age, though of course there''s no way to know. Or maybe I''m just blessed, and that''s why we got two in one shot

As for complications, knock on wood, I think I''ve had a better pregnancy than a lot of people with singleton pregnancies. 35 is not a magical age where all of a sudden everything falls apart on you. My grandmother had two kids in her 40s -- healthy. My cousin had two kids in her 40s -- healthy. I think that as long as you take care of yourself and have a good doctor that you trust and have regular exams that women in their 30s and 40s are perfectly capable of having healthy pregnancies and babies. Yes, supposedly the risk for Down goes up as the mother''s age goes up, but again, there are plenty of people in their 20s who have babies with Down Syndrome, so it''s really just a chance thing.

Sorry if I''m coming off as a little defensive here, it''s just that I feel like a lot of people just spout off this ''You have to have your babies when you''re younger than 35 or else there''ll be so many problems!'' crap, and it''s just not true. Check out the preggo thread -- you''ll find lots of us ''geriatric'' pregnancies over there!

That''s what I don''t get. It (35) seemed to be the magic number and I never really understood why that was. I''m now 34 and I''m not ready to have kids. I''ll be turning 35 a few months after our wedding, and I''m not sure I''ll be ready then. I agree with what you said about it being a "chance thing." Things could go wrong at any time, no matter what age.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/1/2007 10:29:50 AM
Author: ellaila

Sorry if I''m coming off as a little defensive here, it''s just that I feel like a lot of people just spout off this ''You have to have your babies when you''re younger than 35 or else there''ll be so many problems!'' crap, and it''s just not true. Check out the preggo thread -- you''ll find lots of us ''geriatric'' pregnancies over there!

Ladies, I think many of you are reading in extremes.

Zoe asked why it''s commonly thought to be better (as in more optimal instead of less optimal) to have children prior to 35.

No one said "you have to have them before you''re 35, and f you don''t, there WILL BE problems."

Yes, it''s statistically more likely, but it''s not a guarantee. As a rule (meaning typically, not absolutely!), it''s easier to conceive prior to 35, and it''s more likely to be a healthy pregnancy.

It''s a rule of thumb, gals.....not an imposed order. Like every rule of thumb, there are plenty of real life exceptions, and that''s great. It''s meant to be a guideline to help people make sound choices. By understanding how biological maturity affects our fertility, egg quality, etc., people can make better and more informed decisions according to their own individual tolerances for risk.

It''s not a suggestion not to have children after 35.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/1/2007 12:31:15 PM
Author: janinegirly
no worries ebree (and your link was helpful), but in general people should avoid posting generalities about such sensitive topics.

I disagree. Generalities have their place when people have the capacity to understand that they are just that - generalities! Not absolutes, not certainties, but "rules of thumb".

Generalities are born from observances of patterns, so it's not as though there is no basis for them. Of course, each individual needs to take those generalities with a huge ol' grain of salt and be astute enough to consider other mitigating factors.

Ebree, I think the information you posted was helpful, and I think it has relevance.

As IGal said - not with certainty, just with increased probability.

There shouldn't be a problem with saying that, or posting anything from a reputable source to help.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/1/2007 2:06:08 PM
Author: anchor31

everytime I say I want to wait for kids (yes, I''m not even married and I''ve already started to be badgered with this question), I get flooded with warnings and ''statistics'' and get told I should have them before 30.

To me, that''s more of a travesty than one''s clock running out.

People should have children when they determine they are ready....not to play beat the clock on an arbitrary window of opportunity.

I''d consider it a much lesser regret to have missed an opportunity than to have made a poor choice in haste.

 

[shelly1170]

Wow! This sure is an emotive topic. I think having "35" as the be-all-and-end-all number is a bad idea. I think it would be better to say that risk increases with age. Sadly, there is very little you can do to change that. My obstetrician put it very succintly, he said "as long as you''re not smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and dabbling in a bit of heroin, there is very little you can do to change the outcome".

As Independant Gal said, it''s a fact that the risks do increase with age and as I said, there is very little you can do to change that. But it''s still much more likely that everything will be fine. As a species, this must be the case to survive.

Growing a little being is a complicated and long process. If any one of the myriad of stages has a "hiccup" then that can cause problems, particularly in early pregnancy.

Fertility is also a tricky issue. I have a girlfriend who tried for 12 months before falling with her little boy in her late 30s. She told me that I should start trying soon because it could take some time to fall. Well, we forgot the diaphragm... ONCE! I am serious, just once and I got pregnant with Penny. With this pregnancy it was the first month when our dates lined up for ovulation and BAM! Pregnant again. I was a late starter with menstruation (14) so maybe that bought me some time? My mum''s group has mostly women my age (mid 30s) and we have at one end of the spectrum me and at the other a mum who went through multiple IVF cycles and everything in between.

I am so grateful and thank God every day for the blessings I have had in my life.

 

[lauralu]

IMHO I think wanting to have children is something you feel the need to want to do from inside. It''s not about being put on this earth to HAVE to have children. It is about wanting too. I have always wanted to be a mom. My life would not mean as much (too me) if I had not been able to have children. Adoption or biological.

I believe there is no right or wrong decision as far as having children or not.

It is about what you choose for you....WHEN you choose for you. If age is a factor for you than it''s your choice when and if..Informed decisions are the best kind.

Everyones life is their own to live....

Well of coarse until you have children...than it becomes the kids...lol just adding some humor here ladies.(

 

[surfgirl]

I always thought that the 35-40 numbers were mainly because one starts producing less viable eggs and conception becomes more difficult...?!? And to echo others, I have in my family (all in the 1st and 2nd cousin range and all on one side of my family tree) THREE boy children that have problems. Isn''t that weird?!? Anyway, only one - the one with the lesser issues - was born to a mom who was in her late 30''s or 40ish. The other two were born when their moms were quite young, in their late 20''s I think. And of those two, one mom smoked her entire pregnancy and drank on occasion so there''s no way to know if that contributed to that situation (she''s very irresponsible and I''d like to slap her silly most of the time). The other child is mainly non-functional and his mom was young and was probably the picture perfect pregnancy. All that is to say that it''s a crap shoot in the end. My friend had a perfect child in her mid-40''s. And there''s the above lot. You just cant generalize. But overall, I thought that magic number thing was more about fertility rather than other risks...

 

[Independent Gal]

The fertility issue is also a huge one as we get older, Surfgirl is right.

Fertility starts to decline slowly around the late 20''s, speeds up a titch around 32ish, then speeds up a LOT around 36-38ish, and by the time you''re 40, you have a 1/3 chance of not being able to get pregnant through natural means. The other way to look at it is that you have a 2/3 chance of being just fine! Into the early 40''s, rates of infertility are about 50%.

So, basically, again, the longer you wait the higher the risks, but the risk only starts to get REALLY risky in your late 30''s, and even then you''re twice as likely as not to have everything be fine.

Everyone has their own risk tolerance! But knowing the facts about probabilities never hurt anyone, so long as you continue to separate the idea of "higher probability" from certainty.

 

[partgypsy]

Since someone wanted to hear from people in their 30''s, I had my first child when I was 35 (I started trying in Dec, was pregnant in February). I had my second girl last year, the same month I turned 39. We started trying the previous November, to my surprise I was pregnant the next month. They are both happy wonderful girls, and both labors were unassisted (no pain medication) with no complications.
However I was not going to post this so someone would think it''s a good idea to wait till your 39 to have a child. I think everyone''s case is individual, one''s health, fertility, when one wants to have a child, etc. I am also one of those who often thinks, do we really need another person in the world? So in both cases my desire and commitment to have a child had to outweigh those thoughts whether or not it was the responsible thing to do. But once I decided yes, I was in 100%.
I had always had the abstract thought I would have kids, but I was only motivated to have a child when that changed into a very strong desire, that in fact I would be unhappy, unfulfilled on a deep level if I hadn''t. However if it remained at that abstract level I would not have had kids. Having children fundamentally changes your life. Don''t do it just because you think you should, or to head off down the line I may be unhappy if I don''t.