Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Having a tough time...need encouragement

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

dawn74

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 18, 2006
Messages
20
Hey all -
First, Happy Holidays to everyone. I haven''t posted much lately, but have been following everyone''s stories from afar.
I guess I am here tonight because I just need some supportive words - even if they come from strangers.
My boyfriend and I had been together for three and a half years, until I broke it off on Tuesday night. We''ve been talking about getting married since January, but he''d been dragging his feet. He was always "not quite ready." For several months, he was vague as to why, but about six months ago he told me that the biggest holdup was the fact that he just wasn''t sure if he wanted to have kids. And he knew that I did.
When it became clear this week that he wasn''t planning on proposing by the end of this year, we had a long talk. I asked him if he still felt the same way, and he said he did.
So I told him that it just seemed like we wanted different things - I wanted to get married and have a family - and he wasn''t sure he did, or would ever feel that way. He wanted me to give him more time, but I was afraid it could be one of those situations where another six months or six years could slip by before he made a definitive decision one way or another.
So now it''s over, and I feel awful. Every day this week has just been a chore to get through, and I am dreading Christmas. He was supposed to spend it with me and my family. And now, of course, he won''t be there.
My family means well...they''re trying very hard to support me, but sometimes their efforts just make me feel even more sad. They don''t understand why I am not ready to talk about it yet.
I am doing my best to hang in there, but its hard because I love him, and I was so sure that we were supposed to be together.
And right now, I am not really sure of anything anymore.
I don''t expect anyone to say anything that will make it better. I guess I just needed to vent.
Thanks for listening.
 

cairns

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 8, 2006
Messages
16
Hi dawn74,

I am so sorry that you feel so sad. I wish that there were some magic words that I could say to make you feel better. I can only say that it will get better, the mercy of memory is that pain fades and the beauty of family is that we are surrounded by love until it does.
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,639
I''m sorry dawn. I wish I could give you big hugs in person. I think the new year will be cathartic. There is always something about January 1st that is like a a fresh start.

Give yourself time. Tues is less than a week ago and after 3 1/2 years thats noting. Its going to take time.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Im really sorry to hear that dawn. Things will improve but its just going to take a bit of time. I applaud you for standing up for what you want too. If its meant to be things will sort themselves out and if its not, then in time you will find someone who wants the exact same as you.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Date: 12/24/2006 1:50:01 AM
Author:dawn74
I am doing my best to hang in there, but its hard because I love him, and I was so sure that we were supposed to be together.

And right now, I am not really sure of anything anymore.
You absolutely did the right thing, so you should take a little bit of comfort in that. Three and a half years is a very long time to spend loving someone, and especially once you''ve started talking about marriage, it''s incredibly hard to let go. Being apart will undoubtedly help both of you find some clarity in what is important to you that you wouldn''t be able to find while together.

I hope that the support you find here will help you find peace with your decision! I''m sending virtual hugs your way!!
 

DMBsGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2006
Messages
1,589
I''m really sorry that you are going through this, especially during the holidays. It might not make you feel better, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Whether that means that you have not met the right man yet or that your boyfriend needs some extra time to be in the same place you are. My boyfriend and I broke up for 8 months two years ago and it was probably the best thing that happened to us. Since then, everything has been completely different (for the better!).
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. i think the others are right in that words are really cold comfort right now...especially with the holidays...but i also believe things happen for a reason. i believe that if you are meant to be with someone you find your way back to them. or not. i think that you absolutely did the right thing FOR YOU which is who you have to look out for...no one else ever will look out for you the way you should. you shouldn't have to compromise on something so important to you. yes it is never fun to think you could have been so wrong about something you were so sure of, but i think that it happens to us at a few points in our life at least. then later when you have kind of gotten through the tough time you think, wow why did i ever think that was the case? hang in there...surround yourself by friends and family if you can, they always are the best way to get through a tough time like this even though sometimes you almost don't want their company, it's actually quite comforting i think if you can just 'accept' their care...and just remember that even though some days or nights are harder than others...you WILL get through it and you will discover just how strong you can be...and come out on the other side a better version of yourself. have a happy holiday and keep your chin up!!
 

therighttime

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Messages
224
Hi Dawn,
I''m sorry that you are hurting. Just try to take life day by day and get through one day at a time. It WILL get easier. My exhusband filed for divorce in November of 1999, and our divorce was final a couple of days before Christmas! I had an 18 month old child and was devastated. I remember the pain of the holiday all too well, and at the time the ONLY thing that helped at all was that my dad told me to ''just get through it'' and before I knew it I''d feel better. He was right! I know it''s especially hard at the holidays, but I agree with others, surround yourself with family if you want and that helps. If not, go off and be alone if you need to. Just take it day by day and know it will get easier.

I too, think you did the right thing in moving on, for what it''s worth.

I wish you the best of luck and will be thinking of you.
 

Becky P

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2006
Messages
272
Dawn-
Even though you had to make an incredibly difficult decision on Tuesday, I think you did the right thing. You are standing up for yourself and your needs, and we are so proud of you! I know the next few days and weeks will surely be difficult. Please know that we are hear for you if you want to scream, cry, vent, whatever. In the long run, you will be better off for making this choice now. Either he will realize that he''s been an idiot, that he can''t live without you, and he''ll propose. Or, he won''t. And, you won''t waste more time waiting and wondering. Months and years down the road you''ll be glad that you stood up for yourself. I wish you a very Merry Christmas! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
 

happygal

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 8, 2006
Messages
39
*e-hugs* dawn... i''m sorry to hear that.. it must be extra difficult since its the holiday season... but i think you did the right thing... my thoughts go out to you during this tough time...
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Dawn, I am really sorry.

Maybe it will all be okay, and he will come to the conclusion that kids are something important in his future and yours. If not, knowing what you know, it might be wrong to marry him and then have that struggle in your marriage. I think those types of issues are so tough and if you go marry someone knowing they are not in sync with you, someone ends up miserable...I would like to think that in such a case, if the couple does have a child, that the love for that child is all that matters in the end, but if someone just adamantly does not want to have a family, there is not a way to compromise on that issue. Sometimes distance and being alone can give perspective, so I only hope time will tell. Try to have a nice holiday, I am sure you will be sad and need to grieve, it is a big deal, but maybe things will work out, you just never know.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,744
Aw, Dawn, time heals. Not everything, but many things. Where one door closes another opens, ya know? You WILL get through this...and you will find someone (when and if you want to) who will want the same things you do in life. It''s a tough time for you, for sure, but in the end you will be just fine. Take care, and big hugs to you! Stay strong!
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
dawn74: I am REALLY sorry to hear what you are going through, as you know our situations were v. similar about 6 mos ago. I too was with my bf 3yrs, both of us were in our 30''s, but he was stalling and saying the right things, but no real action. he then also told me he had some fears of kids/marriage (that was a BAD time). My situation ended up going the other way though, thank god, and he ended up getting thorough those last minute fears and we are now engaged and preparing for a traditional wedding, and talking about kids etc. And he is EXCITED about it all--it''s like he''s a different person.
So sometimes, you just never know, but you have to put your foot down and not just make assumptions and hope (cough cough, becky).
I was VERY frustrated at times, and he knew he had to figure out what his deal was b/c I wasn''t going to take status quo for much longer. So you did the right thing..it''s just so sad your bf wasn''t able to come through. Maybe the time will make him wake up. Or maybe his issues aren''t just last minute fears, but real lifestyle choices that can''t (and shouldn''t be) changed for someone else. It''s so unfair, but you had to do this, and of course I know you know this, but are just hurting.
I have some questions I''m curious about if you do choose to pop back on here and give us an update: has he ever mentioned that he was unsure about kids before? How is he taking the break up? Did he agree to the break up or fight it and say he just needs time/space to come to terms with what he wants? Ultimately this time apart will be good for the relationship and/or you personally, no matter how it turns out. You are right: if you didn''t take a stand, you would easily have been in it for another 3 yrs with pent up resentment and at an age with fewer choices (in terms of children). Please stay strong, and PLEASE vent here..it really really helps!!!
 

dawn74

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 18, 2006
Messages
20
Hey everyone -
Thank you SO much for all your kind thoughts and words of wisdom and encouragement. They really have helped me this weekend. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I got through it, but I have to say, I am glad it is over. I was all over the place emotion-wise this weekend. One minute I''d be fine, the next I''d be sobbing.
I go back to work today, which I hope will prove to be a good distraction.
I did see my bf, ex-bf technically, over the weekend. He wanted to exchange Christmas gifts, and had a bunch of stuff over at my house, so we had to go through that whole process.
He told me that he hasn''t even told his family yet. He said it was just too hard of a subject to bring up over the holidays. That proved to be a problem when his brother gave us a gift to open together: gift cards to a super nice restaurant in town.
And now, of course, he wants to have dinner sometime in the next couple of weeks.
As hard as it is, I know I am going to have to tell him no, because otherwise we''ll slip into old habits, and that won''t do either of us any good.
So I think I am going to get out of town for a few days over New Year''s. I think that might help clear my head a bit.
Janine - in answer to your question, yes, this problem with "not being sure" if he wants to have kids has come up before. We''d talked about it in vague terms the entire time we were dating, but back in July is when I realized it wasn''t simply an "I am not ready now" deal and might be more of a significant hangup.
Like your fiancee (Congratulations on that, by the way!)
...my bf was getting a bit wishy-washy on the subject. We talked about it and he said he felt like he couldn''t propose until he was sure that he was ready for all the responsibilities that come with it. Marriage, kids, everything. But I thought he was just freaking out a bit, and that he''d come around.
But it is close to six months later, and he hasn''t made any progress. And the fact that there''s no movement is what concerns me. (He''s in his mid-30s.)
So, nothing really new to report here. We''re just both trying to deal with it the best we can. Thanks again to everyone. It does help to vent.
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
Dawn, I''m so sorry! What a horrible time to go through this. It''s always a horrible time but I''m sure the time of year doesn''t help. That being said, you had to do what is right for you. If the relationship couldn''t have worked, the sooner it ends the better for you. But I''m sure it''s hard and I feel for you!
Getting back to work is probably a good thing, distractors are always good when you''re feeling down. Know that you will get through this and taking time is ok, as much time as you need. There''s no right way to grieve a relationship so do what you can to make you feel good right now. You deserve it! You''re probably right, getting together w/him probably would just make things harder.
Take care of yourself!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
dawn,

I am so sorry for your sadness, what a painful experience to go through. Whether or not things work out between the two of you, be proud of yourself for being able to determine what matters to you and recognize that when it doesn''t fit in with the picture of the life you have created it''s time to do something different. It''s bold, brave and rare.

~K
 

gail013

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
335
Hi Dawn-

Alot of people change their minds about having kids. Do you have any nieces or nephews in your families? I think people tend to underthink having kids all too often, and what is really involved with it. I know a few people who have kids that really shouldn''t have had them, and I wish they had thought more about it. I think it is very normal to second-guess yourself. Do you know what is really behind his fear of having them?
 

IrishAngel7982

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 5, 2006
Messages
1,412
Dawn~
I was away from PS for about a week...I just saw this thread and wanted to add my virtual hugs and support...I hope you''re holding up okay. Take it one day at a time, and eventually everything will fall into place. *hugs*
 

Allisonfaye

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2004
Messages
1,455
I think you did the right thing. Staying with someone who isn''t on the same page as you in terms of what you want out of a relationship (whether kids or something else) is just a bad idea. In a way, with kids, it is easy. It is either yes or no. You do. He doesn''t. Easy. Doesn''t make it any less painful when you breakup though.

I foolishly languished in relationships that were not for me way too long for many reasons. I almost missed my chance to have children because of it. I know it is painful now but someday, when you have your little baby in your arms, you will realize you did the right thing.

I was 37 when I met my DH. Whenever I met anyone knew, I found out where he stood on wanting children asap. I didn''t tell them my clock was ticking or anything but I was clear and my feeling is, if that scares anyone off in the beginning, they aren''t serious anyway.

I once broke up with someone that I thought I really liked. I knew it was over and I did everything I could possibly think about to salvage my emotional well being. I didn''t entertain the thoughts that he would come around. I tried to stay busy. I didn''t listen to sappy songs. I didn''t allow myself to get all emotional. I did mourn the relationship. I even went to a counselor. And then I met DH. You sound like a strong person. You will get through it. Best of luck to you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.

New posts

Top