Have you ever...

[butterfly 17]

I wouldn''t be offended. People give me dresses, etc. for my girls all the time. I constantly take/steal (lol) clothes from my sister and she does the same to me.

 

[somethingshiny]

I see no reason to be offended whether you asked for them or not. She''s being kind and generous. Sounds to me like she''s trying to build a relationship with you and in many cultures, generosity is the first step.

If it''s going to cause hard feelings for the rest of your days, tell her.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/23/2009 8:09:08 PM
Author: Haven
I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just trying to be nice. This isn''t exactly something that I would consider a normal thing for American women to do, but it doesn''t sound like she was trying to be rude.

She gave you a bag of clothes, after all. It''s not as if she made a nasty comment about your outfit or something. If your fiance''s brother might be dating this girl for a while, I''d just try to be gracious about this.

Honestly, I can''t pretend that I am happy that someone gave me their used clothes just ouf of the blue, no warnings, no asking, just drop them off in my apt. This is why I posts my concerns here in hopes that you ladies/gents can help me not to feel odd like this. She is a very nice girl in many of other aspects but this one habit of hers really rubs me in the wrong way.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/23/2009 9:30:02 PM
Author: kama_s
Uhh, hell yeah I would be offended. I have no issues with exchanging clothes etc with friends if it''s something that has been discussed before. I regularly give a particular friend unused make-up, clothes with tags on, or things that don''t fit me anymore because she''s on a tight budget. But the very first time I did that, I spoke to her and said that I have a few things I don''t use and would love for them to get a new home and only if she would be comfortable with it.

I think this girl was being a bit presumptuous. I don''t understand why she wouldn''t say a word to you and just hand the bag over like as though you''re a charity case and she''s doing you some kind of a favour.

As for your husband, you''re entitled to your feelings. If you''re not comfortable with someone''s used clothes, then you''re not. It''s as simple as that. You don''t have to be grateful for something you didn''t want or ask.

Kama, thanks for this, you just speak directly from my heart, I can''t even say it better. Your words really soothe my heart. Had she talk to me about it, then I won''t get offended.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:05:29 AM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/23/2009 8:08:56 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/23/2009 8:02:39 PM
Author: joelly
By all means, if it were brand-name and I asked for it, then maybe, but these are not brand-name.

Seriously??? I believe that you are now the one that is being insulting.

You would take them if they were designer... but since they aren''t you turn your nose up and accuse her of insulting you. Please.

ETA: Why in the world is this a ''problem''? It happened last summer.

No, I didn''t mean to be insulting at all. I think I''m just being sarcastic. I said ''if I have asked for it'' then by all means, designers or not, I asked for it, right? The point is if I have asked for it, like ''Wow, your clothes are gorgeous, you mind if I keep some of the stuff you don''t need anymore.'' then I won''t have this problem with her. But I didn''t ask her for it and I didn''t think that her clothes is soooo extravagant that I gotta have it, you know what I mean.

I guess it is a problem now because she is continuing doing this until now. I just haven''t speak up to her about it and just wonder if it is her culture to give away her clothes. My FI is up to the point of just letting her know politely.

If the stuff is new then I will take it as a gift and be grateful, if its not then why doesn''t she said something like ''I wonder if you want to go thru my used clothes and see if you want to keep some''. At least something, not just leaving it in my apt everytime they drop by.

If she is continuing to do this, you should say soemthing. Not mean, of course, but just something along the lines of, "... Thank you for your generosity, but I honestly already have more clothes in my closet than I know what to do with, and maybe she should just take them directly to Goodwill from now on."

I have a feeling that your FI''s original reaction had to do with the fact that you didn''t say anything when "she gave them to you". Even if you don''t like something, in America it is polite to say thank you for her effort and thoughfulness, but then politely decline if you are not interested.

She may think this is a "bonding" thing that you all have going on. You never know...

 

[radiantquest]

I wouldn''t be offended at all. I mean if when she handed you the bag and said here are some clothes that I don''t have room for in my cloest. If you like any of them keep them.

The reason she keeps bringing them is because you haven''t told her not to.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:17:07 AM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/23/2009 8:09:08 PM
Author: Haven
I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just trying to be nice. This isn't exactly something that I would consider a normal thing for American women to do, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be rude.

She gave you a bag of clothes, after all. It's not as if she made a nasty comment about your outfit or something. If your fiance's brother might be dating this girl for a while, I'd just try to be gracious about this.

Honestly, I can't pretend that I am happy that someone gave me their used clothes just ouf of the blue, no warnings, no asking, just drop them off in my apt. This is why I posts my concerns here in hopes that you ladies/gents can help me not to feel odd like this. She is a very nice girl in many of other aspects but this one habit of hers really rubs me in the wrong way.

You posted here "In hopes" to find people that agree with you. Well, alot of ladies here do not agree with you. This thread is much like your "problem"... You don't know how to just be polite about something, eventhough you don't agree.

The only post you responded to positively was one where someone specifically agreed with you.

We are not all going to talk badly about this girl, because many of us do not think that she is personally doing anything wrong to you. It seems like she is trying to be nice and build a friendship, and you are taking offense to something completely unnecessary.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree with Meresal. BEFORE she brings you more clothes say something like "Thank you for thinking of me first, but I feel like there are people who could really use these items more than I can. Next time you have a bag, call me and I''ll show you where the GoodWill is. We''ll drop them off and have lunch."


Like I said before, she''s trying to build a relationship. The olive branch has been extended. It''s up to you to make the next move.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 7:41:43 AM
Author: studyer83
I would not be personally offended, as a generality. But I''m sure there are certain people/relationships where such actions could be intended to be obnoxious or come off as obnoxious.

I have lots of things in my closets that I just never get a chance to wear, that just don''t look right on me, that don''t fit anymore, or that I don''t have anything to match. I''d love to just box ''em up and let a friend have a go. Maybe she''d find something that looked good on her!!

It might be a thoughtful thing, or it might just be a closet-cleaning thing. Either way, unless there is something odd about the relationship, I don''t think that there is anything to be offended about.

Out of curiosity -- is there any reason that this would this be offensive in Indonesia, besides the unwanted ''charity'' gesture? My husband''s family is of a different culture (but likely more similar to US than Indonesia) and it is always interesting when these little differences (and big differences) pop up.

My Mom taught me this, if I wear someone else''s clothes, I will live their lives. Say, my friend is getting knocked-out, it will happen to me too if I were to wear their clothes. I guess I listen too my Mom too much but I don''t see why it is wrong. I think the gesture should be explained and one shouldn''t assume.

It''s like if we were to have lunch together and I like her plate more, then what if I just switch my plate with her without asking her permission and assume that its ok to do it cause we''re practically family, right?

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 9:07:22 AM
Author: gemgirl
I have one close friend who is almost the same size as I am and we''ve always exchanged new clothes that we haven''t worn or changed our minds about. But this is a close girlfriend and we always know when the other is getting some things. We usually did it when the season''s changed or we were cleaning out our closets. I would be offended if a total stranger did that to me. I''d wonder what she was trying to tell me. It took brass to do what she did to you.

Thanks for the support, gemgirl.

I really need it.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 9:24:52 AM
Author: monarch64
I think it was poor form on the part of the girlfriend not to ask you first, or at least ask your boyfriend if the items she wanted to give you would be well-received. I would never just randomly give someone a bag full of my used clothing without asking them first if it would be ok to do so. In addition, I would most definitely be insulted if someone I didn''t know very well just gave me a bag of things they would otherwise have given to Goodwill or other organization/charity. She put you in a very difficult position. I mean really, if you''d accepted the clothing graciously and thanked her, you run the risk of this happening every time she cleans out her closet, but you were honest with your boyfriend and he says you''re ungrateful? I think that''s taking it a bit far.

I don''t have many friends who are my size/height, and my mother taught me not to borrow things from or loan things to friends, so I''m not much of a clothing-sharer.

As far as the brand-name thing...I don''t think that''s snobbish. I think it''s pretty realistic to say that if we had the choice between someone giving us a used Louis Vuitton handbag or a handbag that came from Wal-Mart and cost $9.99 we would more than likely take the LV.

Ditto 1st highlight! Ditto 2nd highlight!! Thanks!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

If you don''t want the clothes be gracious, say thank you, and pass them on to The Goodwill or some other chartiy. I think you''re making way to big a deal about something really minor.

 

[steph72276]

I wouldn't be offended at all...sounds like she was just trying to make a nice gesture. Simply tell her thanks, but your closet is too full and perhaps she could give it to someone else or donate it next time. No need to stew about it, just be honest!

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:22:16 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/24/2009 11:05:29 AM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/23/2009 8:08:56 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/23/2009 8:02:39 PM
Author: joelly
By all means, if it were brand-name and I asked for it, then maybe, but these are not brand-name.

Seriously??? I believe that you are now the one that is being insulting.

You would take them if they were designer... but since they aren''t you turn your nose up and accuse her of insulting you. Please.

ETA: Why in the world is this a ''problem''? It happened last summer.

No, I didn''t mean to be insulting at all. I think I''m just being sarcastic. I said ''if I have asked for it'' then by all means, designers or not, I asked for it, right? The point is if I have asked for it, like ''Wow, your clothes are gorgeous, you mind if I keep some of the stuff you don''t need anymore.'' then I won''t have this problem with her. But I didn''t ask her for it and I didn''t think that her clothes is soooo extravagant that I gotta have it, you know what I mean.

I guess it is a problem now because she is continuing doing this until now. I just haven''t speak up to her about it and just wonder if it is her culture to give away her clothes. My FI is up to the point of just letting her know politely.

If the stuff is new then I will take it as a gift and be grateful, if its not then why doesn''t she said something like ''I wonder if you want to go thru my used clothes and see if you want to keep some''. At least something, not just leaving it in my apt everytime they drop by.

If she is continuing to do this, you should say soemthing. Not mean, of course, but just something along the lines of, ''... Thank you for your generosity, but I honestly already have more clothes in my closet than I know what to do with, and maybe she should just take them directly to Goodwill from now on.''

I have a feeling that your FI''s original reaction had to do with the fact that you didn''t say anything when ''she gave them to you''. Even if you don''t like something, in America it is polite to say thank you for her effort and thoughfulness, but then politely decline if you are not interested.

She may think this is a ''bonding'' thing that you all have going on. You never know...

The reason I didn''t say anything cause she didn''t either. Why would I say thank you when there is no asking or even a gesture from her, just sort of point of a finger and she said this bag is for you. Her BF then said oh yeah she cleaned her closets and these are the things she doesn''t want anymore. I was like (maybe even look like) "Huh?"

I bet I look so dumb.

This never happen to me before and I live in this country for the last 10 years and been in a lot of groups of friends and been living in many states, none of them do this to me and they are born and bred here, just like her.

 

[somethingshiny]

Wait a minute, you don''t say "thanks" because YOU didn''t ASK for them??!!

Basic courtesy: When someone puts ANYTHING in your hand, you say "Thank you."

I''m sorry you''re offended by this, but she hasn''t done anything wrong. Simply tell her you don''t want her things. She''ll probably THANK YOU for being honest.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:26:47 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/24/2009 11:17:07 AM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/23/2009 8:09:08 PM
Author: Haven
I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just trying to be nice. This isn''t exactly something that I would consider a normal thing for American women to do, but it doesn''t sound like she was trying to be rude.

She gave you a bag of clothes, after all. It''s not as if she made a nasty comment about your outfit or something. If your fiance''s brother might be dating this girl for a while, I''d just try to be gracious about this.

Honestly, I can''t pretend that I am happy that someone gave me their used clothes just ouf of the blue, no warnings, no asking, just drop them off in my apt. This is why I posts my concerns here in hopes that you ladies/gents can help me not to feel odd like this. She is a very nice girl in many of other aspects but this one habit of hers really rubs me in the wrong way.

You posted here ''In hopes'' to find people that agree with you. Well, alot of ladies here do not agree with you. This thread is much like your ''problem''... You don''t know how to just be polite about something, eventhough you don''t agree.

The only post you responded to positively was one where someone specifically agreed with you.

We are not all going to talk badly about this girl, because many of us do not think that she is personally doing anything wrong to you. It seems like she is trying to be nice and build a friendship, and you are taking offense to something completely unnecessary.

No, I don''t post this so I can take a poll of ppl who agree with me. Absolutely not. I just want to talk about it so I won''t feel so odd about it. Please don''t misunderstand me, I''m not here to talk bad about her. Its just that this one habit really bugs me, thats all. I still like to hang out with her and her BF but certain things are not for sharing, you see. At least not to me.

I admit I have many shortcomings, by all means I am farrrrr from perfect, but I am not trying to be mean here and talk badly about her. Its just I think ppl should understand other ppl first before they can get closer to them.

From this post, I would like to gather all your opinions and from here I will decide to have my talk with her when she give me another pile of her clothes.

If we were to be SIL in the future, I would like her to understand where I come from but before that I want to understand where she come from either. It is a give and take relationship that lasts not one that only takes or one that only gives.

After you read this, can you somehow understand what I mean? I only bite when ppl hit me and in this case this girl rubs me in a wrong way so forgive me if I look for support elsewhere as my FI seems to think bad about me. I am not a bad person you know but I am not perfect either. I''m far from perfect.

 

[meresal]

Why are you taking this so personally. I assure you, she is not trying to insult you. She is trying to be nice. Honestly, it sounds like you are just looking to be mad about this. You have been mad for 6 months now. Either say something or accept it and get over it.

As far as saying thank you for things. It is the polite thing to do. You say thank you when people go out of their way to extend a nice gesture. (ie, taking the time to go thru her clothes and pick out ones that she thinks you would like. You may not think so, but I assure you, she thinks that you like what she is doing.)

It is your fault that she keeps bringing clothes. If I took chocolate brownies to my MIL everytime we visited, and 6 months later come to find out she HATES brownies... how is it my fault that I kept brigning them to her? She never told me not to?

The thinking that you and your mom share about used clothes, (ie. by wearing them you are taking on someone elses life) is not something that is thought of in America.

ETA: Many of us have given an opinion about how to politely ask her to stop doing this. You will have to say something, but I think what you don't realize is that what she is doing is a kind act, and not the insult that you are viewing it as.
If you approach her like she has insulted you, I do not see her taking it well.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:59:46 AM
Author: somethingshiny
Wait a minute, you don''t say ''thanks'' because YOU didn''t ASK for them??!!

Basic courtesy: When someone puts ANYTHING in your hand, you say ''Thank you.''

I''m sorry you''re offended by this, but she hasn''t done anything wrong. Simply tell her you don''t want her things. She''ll probably THANK YOU for being honest.

Well, it is kind of depends on what things you put in my hand though, right? If out-of-the-blue I give you a piece of gum after I chew them, will you still say thank you?

I never said what she did was wrong. I feel wrong about it and then I feel offended after my FI tell me how ungrateful I am.

Maybe it is just me but I will not give my friends my used things unless they have asked for it.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 12/24/2009 11:46:49 AM
Author: KimberlyH
If you don't want the clothes be gracious, say thank you, and pass them on to The Goodwill or some other chartiy. I think you're making way to big a deal about something really minor.

This is what I'd do.

Don't sweat the small stuff

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:10:37 PM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/24/2009 11:59:46 AM

Author: somethingshiny

Wait a minute, you don''t say ''thanks'' because YOU didn''t ASK for them??!!


Basic courtesy: When someone puts ANYTHING in your hand, you say ''Thank you.''


I''m sorry you''re offended by this, but she hasn''t done anything wrong. Simply tell her you don''t want her things. She''ll probably THANK YOU for being honest.

Well, it is kind of depends on what things you put in my hand though, right? If out-of-the-blue I give you a piece of gum after I chew them, will you still say thank you?


I never said what she did was wrong. I feel wrong about it and then I feel offended after my FI tell me how ungrateful I am.


Maybe it is just me but I will not give my friends my used things unless they have asked for it.

Actually, this is EXACTLY how you teach a child manners. When my son spits his gum out and hands it to me, hands me a worm, or hands me a used kleenex, I say "thank you" to him so that he knows to say "thank you" when someone gives him something.

So don''t give your friends used things, tell this girl your thoughts on "sharing the life." She''ll understand. Personally, I do think you''re being ungrateful, or at the very least, rude. Being rude doesn''t make you right.

It sounds like you feel badly for feeling this way, at least badly about how others may be viewing you because of this situation (especially your FI). Instead of trying to understand OUR views, try to understand hers. Call her up and tell her how you feel.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:03:36 PM
Author: meresal
Why are you taking this so personally. I assure you, she is not trying to insult you. She is trying to be nice. Honestly, it sounds like you are just looking to be mad about this. You have been mad for 6 months now. Either say something or accept it and get over it.

As far as saying thank you for things. It is the polite thing to do. You say thank you when people go out of their way to extend a nice gesture. (ie, taking the time to go thru her clothes and pick out ones that she thinks you would like. You may not think so, but I assure you, she thinks that you like what she is doing.)

It is your fault that she keeps bringing clothes. If I took chocolate brownies to my MIL everytime we visited, and 6 months later come to find out she HATES brownies... how is it my fault that I kept brigning them to her? She never told me not to?

The thinking that you and your mom share about used clothes, (ie. by wearing them you are taking on someone elses life) is not something that is thought of in America.

ETA: Many of us have given an opinion about how to politely ask her to stop doing this. You will have to say something, but I think what you don''t realize is that what she is doing is a kind act, and not the insult that you are viewing it as.
If you approach her like she has insulted you, I do not see her taking it well.

Well....obviously...I won''t approach her to insult her, I''ll never insult ppl on purpose, at least I hope I won''t. I will let her see my closet and she''ll see that I have no more rooms for them. Thats how I think I will do it. She is a nice girl BUT I just don''t get this one habit of her (which I encourage by saying nothing at all, of course). I''ll put a stop to this before this year ends, its a promise I make for myself. This post actually encourages me to do it.

Anyway, I still thinking about it after 6 months is because she keeps doing it (which is my fault) plus the fact that my FI insist I should be grateful (which I disagree).

So, all in all, I think she is within her rights and so am I (being taught by my culture as odd as it sounds in this country). This is a culture clash, I think.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m glad to see that you''re going to talk with her about this.

And, have you thought of this possibility??

Perhaps she''s giving you some of her things in hopes that you will give her some of YOUR things. This may be her way of telling you she likes YOUR style and if you''re getting rid of something, let her have first dibs.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:21:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I''m glad to see that you''re going to talk with her about this.

And, have you thought of this possibility??

Perhaps she''s giving you some of her things in hopes that you will give her some of YOUR things. This may be her way of telling you she likes YOUR style and if you''re getting rid of something, let her have first dibs.

Man.....really? I never thought of this.

 

[joelly]

Thats why I post my concerns here in pricescope, you ladies are rich of information and ideas!!!

 

[portia]

Date: 12/24/2009 9:07:22 AM
Author: gemgirl
I have one close friend who is almost the same size as I am and we''ve always exchanged new clothes that we haven''t worn or changed our minds about. But this is a close girlfriend and we always know when the other is getting some things. We usually did it when the season''s changed or we were cleaning out our closets. I would be offended if a total stranger did that to me. I''d wonder what she was trying to tell me. It took brass to do what she did to you.

Ditto, gemgirl. I could easily see taking hand-me-downs from a family member or close friend, but if some girl I barely know handed me a bunch of used clothes without any previous conversations about her clothing, I would be offended.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:24:53 PM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/24/2009 12:21:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I''m glad to see that you''re going to talk with her about this.

And, have you thought of this possibility??

Perhaps she''s giving you some of her things in hopes that you will give her some of YOUR things. This may be her way of telling you she likes YOUR style and if you''re getting rid of something, let her have first dibs.

Man.....really? I never thought of this.

Americans are funny like that...

I definitely think that this is just a cultural "misunderstanding" like you said. Very easily mended. Glad to hear you are going to talk with her.

 

[monarch64]

SS, I respectfully disagree. If your son picked his nose and put a booger in my hand there is no way in hell I would thank him for it. I''d question your manner-teaching abilities as well.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:24:53 PM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/24/2009 12:21:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I''m glad to see that you''re going to talk with her about this.

And, have you thought of this possibility??

Perhaps she''s giving you some of her things in hopes that you will give her some of YOUR things. This may be her way of telling you she likes YOUR style and if you''re getting rid of something, let her have first dibs.

Man.....really? I never thought of this.

Seriously? That seems rather sneaky and manipulative to me. Why doesn''t this girl just ask Joelly if she can borrow whatever outfit she''s coveting instead of mysteriously giving her used clothes and then expecting Joelly to read her mind?

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:29:36 PM
Author: monarch64
SS, I respectfully disagree. If your son picked his nose and put a booger in my hand there is no way in hell I would thank him for it. I''d question your manner-teaching abilities as well.

What''s funny though, is that it is the thought that counts. Most children think they are giving a wonderful gift... booger or ABC gum (Already Been Chewed)!

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:26:37 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/24/2009 12:24:53 PM
Author: joelly

Date: 12/24/2009 12:21:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I''m glad to see that you''re going to talk with her about this.

And, have you thought of this possibility??

Perhaps she''s giving you some of her things in hopes that you will give her some of YOUR things. This may be her way of telling you she likes YOUR style and if you''re getting rid of something, let her have first dibs.

Man.....really? I never thought of this.

Americans are funny like that...

I definitely think that this is just a cultural ''misunderstanding'' like you said. Very easily mended. Glad to hear you are going to talk with her.

I''m glad we are in agreement.

Bottom line is I really like her but this one habit, ugghhhh why?

BUT now I think I got it. Thanks to you ladies of pricescope.

I''ll posts many more of my culture-shock experience. Next time I will remember not to look blank/dumb the next thing someone do something out-of-the-ordinary. Just big smile and say ohhhh thank you and post on pricescope to asked what the heck just happened to me there.