Have you ever...

[joelly]

been given a used clothes by someone who is not related to you?

Background story: Last summer, we (FI and I) went out to the movies with his brother and his new girlfriend. I''ve met her before around two weeks before this movie-outing. Before going to the movie, they picked us up and as I get into the car, she gave me a bag full of clothes and I wondered "whats going on?". Seeing my face expression, my FI''s brother said "Oh, she cleaned up her closet and those are the clothes she no longer wants and she wonders if you like to have them." I didn''t say anything after that and my FI said "Oh, thank you!"

Anyway, I felt so offended because why someone gave me their used clothes. I''m wondering if she is trying to say something about my clothes. To make a long story short, my FI was furious at me. He said that I am being ungrateful. I am so shocked about his reaction so I asked my Mom. My Mom was furious at the girl who gave me her used clothes.

About my own background, I am from Indonesia and so is my Mom. Perhaps this will help you form an opinion.

I also wonder if this is actually the culture of this country (United States) that people give each other their used clothes? I can only guess this because I remember my FI was furious at me for being ungrateful.

Please help! I am very confused. Thanks!

 

[upgrade]

I wouldn''t be offended at all. I have a girlfriend who has a fabulous clothing budget and I LOVE getting her rejects! And I have given stuff that no longer fits me to my bro''s gf and she loves it (and wears it). Maybe it''s a cultural thing for you? As far as I''m concerned, passing on your things that you no longer use is a good thing. I appreciate the heck out of anyone who''s given me baby clothes, etc... for my kids too.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I always take clothes off of my sister''s hands The more the better!!!! My closet is exploding btw lol

 

[D&T]

I'm actually not offended at all, I had a coworker who had fabulous taste, and she was moving out of state and of course she had some items that actually fit me, and asked if I would like any otherwise she was going to just give it to goodwill. Sure why not? My sister takes my used clothing, we swap sometimes no problem. But my brother was offended when I gave my SIL a brand new dress with tags on it still

started rambling off saying how he thought by my actions of giving his wife a dress that I think of them poor

- what the crap?!

 

[joflier]

I wouldn''t be offended either. My girlfriends and I often exchange our unwanted things. Quite often, their name-brand items, that I guess we feel are too nice to go to goodwill or salvation army. We''d rather see someone we know get use out of something we paid good money for. I would only be offended if the clothes were not in good condition.

 

[joelly]

Wel......thats different though because if I am the one who asked for her rejects then it''s okay. I have done that too. When I was moving out-of-state, I was cleaning up my closet and I asked my friends if they want my clothes.

 

[joelly]

By all means, if it were brand-name and I asked for it, then maybe, but these are not brand-name.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/23/2009 7:47:54 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
I always take clothes off of my sister''s hands The more the better!!!! My closet is exploding btw lol

If she were my sister, I won''t have this problem.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/23/2009 8:00:25 PM
Author: joelly
Wel......thats different though because if I am the one who asked for her rejects then it's okay. I have done that too. When I was moving out-of-state, I was cleaning up my closet and I asked my friends if they want my clothes.

I reread your op.....did she say anything, or just hand you the bag? It sounds like the brother and your FI did all the talking during this exchange.....That is a little odd, I guess. If it were me I'd hand you the bag and ask if you were interested, or wanted to pick through and see if you liked anything. I guess maybe just chalk it up to another one of those - people do strange stuff sometimes - moments.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Well, I don''t think it was meant to be offensive, I think it was meant to be generous. That said though, its kind of a strange gesture, if you didn''t specifically express an interest in her clothes at some point.

 

[meresal]

From your OP, I think that it was a nice gesture on the GF''s part. Yes, it would probably catch me off guard, since she is not a close friend, however, I would still say thank you for thinking of me and assure her that I would look thru them later. (Even if I didn''t want to keep any of her used clothes.)

I do not think that she was insulting your taste at all.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/23/2009 8:04:49 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 12/23/2009 8:00:25 PM
Author: joelly
Wel......thats different though because if I am the one who asked for her rejects then it''s okay. I have done that too. When I was moving out-of-state, I was cleaning up my closet and I asked my friends if they want my clothes.

I reread your op.....did she say anything, or just hand you the bag? It sounds like the brother and your FI did all the talking during this exchange.....That is a little odd, I guess. If it were me I''d hand you the bag and ask if you were interested, or wanted to pick through and see if you liked anything.

Ditto! This is what bothers me. She didn''t ask me anything. The bag was sort of there on the car''s floor. Seeing that I''m confused, my FI''s brother spoke.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/23/2009 8:02:39 PM
Author: joelly
By all means, if it were brand-name and I asked for it, then maybe, but these are not brand-name.

Seriously??? I believe that you are now the one that is being insulting.

You would take them if they were designer... but since they aren't you turn your nose up and accuse her of insulting you. Please.

ETA: Why in the world is this a "problem"? It happened last summer.

 

[Haven]

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just trying to be nice. This isn't exactly something that I would consider a normal thing for American women to do, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be rude.

She gave you a bag of clothes, after all. It's not as if she made a nasty comment about your outfit or something. If your fiance's brother might be dating this girl for a while, I'd just try to be gracious about this.

 

[yssie]

Not offended at all - usually it''s things like dresses and outerwear that people pass round like this, I think, and if I like them - send more my way, by all means!



If there were intimates in the pile - well, that''s just completely different.

 

[packrat]

If it was the first time I''d met her I''d be like, uh hello? But otherwise, heck yeah I''d take them! I just met my brother''s girlfriend, and the next time she''s able to come, if she brought me clothes I''d be all over them. If I were to offer clothes to someone, I don''t know that I''d just hold out a bag and say "here, I don''t want these anymore"...that''s a little like, "Hey, this sandwich tastes like crap, you want it?" If she said "Hey, after the movie, let''s stop back here-I went thru my closet-I think we''re the same size and I have some clothes I thought you might like" or something along that order, I think that would''ve been a bit better.

 

[kama_s]

Uhh, hell yeah I would be offended. I have no issues with exchanging clothes etc with friends if it''s something that has been discussed before. I regularly give a particular friend unused make-up, clothes with tags on, or things that don''t fit me anymore because she''s on a tight budget. But the very first time I did that, I spoke to her and said that I have a few things I don''t use and would love for them to get a new home and only if she would be comfortable with it.

I think this girl was being a bit presumptuous. I don''t understand why she wouldn''t say a word to you and just hand the bag over like as though you''re a charity case and she''s doing you some kind of a favour.

As for your husband, you''re entitled to your feelings. If you''re not comfortable with someone''s used clothes, then you''re not. It''s as simple as that. You don''t have to be grateful for something you didn''t want or ask.

 

[orbaya]

It happened last summer. It''s time to move on.

 

[Bliss]

I can see why you could be offended but maybe it's just a simple misunderstanding.

How used were the clothes?

I've cleaned out my closet a few times and had a lot of great designer clothing that still had tags or were otherwise new. I've asked friends my size if they wanted dibs and they loved it. Maybe she asked your FI if you'd like first dibs and he said yes? I can imagine the guy mind thinking, "Free clothes."

Sometimes I have great things I have never worn or used (designer bags, some jewelry and sunglasses)& I'll ask a friend if she wants them. I only ask friends who I share the same style with. So maybe it's her way of sharing stuff like sisters?

Or maybe FI's brother thought it would be nice to offer them to you before she donated/gave them away. Men can be clueless about these delicate issues sometimes!

If the items were clearly used castoffs (stains, frayed or worn), I would be offended. But only your FI would be able to tell you from the prior conversation.

 

[purrfectpear]

She was making a nice gesture. Your FI was right. You weren''t very gracious. Get over it.

 

[neatfreak]

Sorry Joelly, but I agree with the others. It might be a bit odd considering you don''t know her-but nothing to get your panties in a twist about. My friends and I pass things around all the time. I am sure she just thought she was being nice.

And it happened last summer-which was 6 months ago. It''s time to let it go. I don''t think she was trying to insult you.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am sure she meant well. But I can see how it would make you feel a tad awkward since you don't know her...

 

[Indylady]

Date: 12/23/2009 8:08:56 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/23/2009 8:02:39 PM
Author: joelly
By all means, if it were brand-name and I asked for it, then maybe, but these are not brand-name.

Seriously??? I believe that you are now the one that is being insulting.

You would take them if they were designer... but since they aren''t you turn your nose up and accuse her of insulting you. Please.

ETA: Why in the world is this a ''problem''? It happened last summer.

I think what Joelly meant was that they didn''t seem to be special, so entire gesture was not one that was very thoughtful.

 

[Indylady]

I would think it was weird for someone I''m not close with to pass along clothes to me. Especially so if it was something we hadn''t discussed before. Personally, I wouldn''t have taken the bag out of the car. I would give my thanks, and politely decline saying that I already have too many clothes for my closet. I wouldn''t make a big deal of it, but I don''t understand why your fiance is furious. I agree with Kama...if you''re not comfortable with someone''s used clothes, then you''re not. It''s as simple as that. You don''t have to be grateful for something you didn''t want or ask."

 

[Squirrly]

6 months seems a long time to worry over the intent of a gift. perhaps the friends she grew up with shared clothes and that was her atttempt at a friendly gesture, or maybe she was cleaning out her closet and wondered what to do with the clothes she didn''t want anymore and her boyfriend thought it would be nice for her to give them to you. you''re the FI of his brother afterall, you are practically family, she''s the outsider and probably wants to make a good impression on his family.
i think your FI was probably upset over that he thanked her for the gift instead of you saying thank you although you were in shock/didn''t really want them. it sounds like he likes his brother and his brother''s girlfriend and doesn''t want it to appear that either of you dislike his brother and his girlfriend. (which not saying a thankyou to a gift that doesn''t appear to be given out of any reason other than to give a gift would appear).
so while you''ve been spending half a year trying to figure out if she was insulting you, she very well could have been spending the same amount of time thinking that you really don''t like her

how about suggesting that the next time she cleans out her closet to let you know and the two of you can take unwanted clothes to a shelter for abused women and then go shopping together to re-fill that empty closet space

 

[studyer83]

I would not be personally offended, as a generality. But I''m sure there are certain people/relationships where such actions could be intended to be obnoxious or come off as obnoxious.

I have lots of things in my closets that I just never get a chance to wear, that just don''t look right on me, that don''t fit anymore, or that I don''t have anything to match. I''d love to just box ''em up and let a friend have a go. Maybe she''d find something that looked good on her!!

It might be a thoughtful thing, or it might just be a closet-cleaning thing. Either way, unless there is something odd about the relationship, I don''t think that there is anything to be offended about.

Out of curiosity -- is there any reason that this would this be offensive in Indonesia, besides the unwanted "charity" gesture? My husband''s family is of a different culture (but likely more similar to US than Indonesia) and it is always interesting when these little differences (and big differences) pop up.

 

[gemgirl]

I have one close friend who is almost the same size as I am and we''ve always exchanged new clothes that we haven''t worn or changed our minds about. But this is a close girlfriend and we always know when the other is getting some things. We usually did it when the season''s changed or we were cleaning out our closets. I would be offended if a total stranger did that to me. I''d wonder what she was trying to tell me. It took brass to do what she did to you.

 

[monarch64]

I think it was poor form on the part of the girlfriend not to ask you first, or at least ask your boyfriend if the items she wanted to give you would be well-received. I would never just randomly give someone a bag full of my used clothing without asking them first if it would be ok to do so. In addition, I would most definitely be insulted if someone I didn''t know very well just gave me a bag of things they would otherwise have given to Goodwill or other organization/charity. She put you in a very difficult position. I mean really, if you''d accepted the clothing graciously and thanked her, you run the risk of this happening every time she cleans out her closet, but you were honest with your boyfriend and he says you''re ungrateful? I think that''s taking it a bit far.

I don''t have many friends who are my size/height, and my mother taught me not to borrow things from or loan things to friends, so I''m not much of a clothing-sharer.

As far as the brand-name thing...I don''t think that''s snobbish. I think it''s pretty realistic to say that if we had the choice between someone giving us a used Louis Vuitton handbag or a handbag that came from Wal-Mart and cost $9.99 we would more than likely take the LV.

 

[tlh]

Eh, some cultures are a lot more sharing w/ hand me downs.

I''ve only given someone unsolicited clothes once. It was my SIL, after she found out she was pregnant. I gave her a handful of empire shirts that I had, but didn''t fit me. One I had only worn once, but I am really lazy and didn''t return the rest. I gave them to her, but when I did I explained that I thought she might find them useful, because she had been complaining about how maternity clothes weren''t flattering at the early stages of the pregnancy... and thought these non-maternity tops I had, could work. I said if they didn''t no offense, and I could take them to the Goodwill or something if they didn''t work for her - since I''d never worn some of them.

Your situation is a bit different, because you didn''t know the person and all the talking was on another end. If it was a bunch of clothes I''d never wear and she just gave them to me, I''d say thank you... and probably take it to goodwill and get the tax write off.

If they continued to date, and she did it again, I''d say thank you, but would state that it seems our clothing tastes are very different, though I appreciate the gesture, maybe she knows someone else who would get enjoyment from the garments...

I''m not sure why you are bringing this up now... did she offer you more clothes? Anywho, the United States is the melting pot - with many different cultures and behaviours all combined... so I''m not saying it is a cultural thing - but it is very common and I see it A LOT more often w/ baby clothes, since most kids only get to wear those things about once or twice before they grow out of it...

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/23/2009 8:08:56 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/23/2009 8:02:39 PM
Author: joelly
By all means, if it were brand-name and I asked for it, then maybe, but these are not brand-name.

Seriously??? I believe that you are now the one that is being insulting.

You would take them if they were designer... but since they aren''t you turn your nose up and accuse her of insulting you. Please.

ETA: Why in the world is this a ''problem''? It happened last summer.

No, I didn''t mean to be insulting at all. I think I''m just being sarcastic. I said "if I have asked for it" then by all means, designers or not, I asked for it, right? The point is if I have asked for it, like "Wow, your clothes are gorgeous, you mind if I keep some of the stuff you don''t need anymore." then I won''t have this problem with her. But I didn''t ask her for it and I didn''t think that her clothes is soooo extravagant that I gotta have it, you know what I mean.

I guess it is a problem now because she is continuing doing this until now. I just haven''t speak up to her about it and just wonder if it is her culture to give away her clothes. My FI is up to the point of just letting her know politely.

If the stuff is new then I will take it as a gift and be grateful, if its not then why doesn''t she said something like "I wonder if you want to go thru my used clothes and see if you want to keep some". At least something, not just leaving it in my apt everytime they drop by.