Have you ever reunited with a toxic friend and found they changed?

[Feralpenchant]

I am 21, and I have a friend that is sixteen whom I know through a mutual friend. She has become more like my sister than anything. When I think of her, I feel more protective than friendly.

She recently stopped talking to me because I confronted her about "administering" (for lack of a nicer way to put it) hard drugs into herself. She completely ignores my phone calls, and she moved to Denver with her sister without telling me or saying goodbye. I love her to pieces, and I hope one day she will come around and realize I was just trying to help her.

I will always be there for her, but I don''t know if she will want to speak to me again. Ever.

Ugh, that''s the first time I''ve told anyone about that situation. That felt good.

 

[atroop711]

I tried but in time realized she didn''t change...was still TOXIC

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/25/2009 11:39:03 AM
Author: MC
Wow, absolutely wonderful post! Your post is one of the best suggestion/advice posts that has been written to me here on PS. Thanks so much.

You''re probably right that the friendship with my friend isn''t one that needs to be entirely discontinued, however, a break for her to figure her life out is necessary. And, I can say, the break I''ve taken has been invigorating. I know that sounds a bit extreme, but my friend was leaving messages on my voice mail daily and so every time my phone beeped, I would tense up and would stay that way for a good solid hour, basically worrying about her!

I''ve been thinking and don''t plan to call her, but next month is her birthday, so I''m going to send her a token gift. If she calls, I''ll let my voice mail take it. After summer, that may be a good time to test the waters to see if she''s learned to swim on her own! Hopefully her take on our friendship will have changed enough that I can post a toxic friend transformation success story post! lol

Oh, I hope so! Best wishes... it is really hard sometimes - ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CALL LIKE MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY! But, sometimes it is best... it just is. And yes, it certainly is liberating when you don''t have to stress about someone else.

I read somewhere that "the truley wise never give advice.. because a wise man won''t need it and a fool won''t heed it." Once I figured out that they are just really looking to hear themselves complain and like stew in their misery.. it just isn''t very healthy... because they are re-living it by dwelling on it... so it is actually a favor to not answer the phone. Oh, and when they leave a VM msg -- the rule is.. don''t even listen to it for 12 hours. Ie a call at night... don''t listen to it until the next morning... so by the time you finally do go about returning the call - the heightened emotion may be removed, and if this doesn''t work... call when you are in route to someplace else. You start off saying you got their call but you only have a few minutes that way when you get to your destination you say.. I am sorry to cut this short but I am at XXX. Really helps minimise the drama.

I like the bday idea too. Just pull the Cameo when there is too much drama.. I hope this works out FOR YOU .

 

[Italiahaircolor]

A few weeks back I posted about my friend who was in a toxic marriage, decided to stay and how I walked away because the burden of knowing and being completely helpless was to much for me to cope with.

I miss her everyday. Please believe that. I miss her so much it hurts all the time, she was a pivotal part of my life and missing her is like missing an arm or another apendage...often times I''m so lost without her it''s not funny. Simple things are often complicated.

But, walking away was a choice I made for my own well being. Like you, hearing her hurting always let me feeling like I should be able to fix it. I even started tucking money away so that if she left I''d be able to offer her a comfortable nest egg. I wanted so badly to have the answers that I just didn''t have. And even if I managed to find the answers, she always had a reason why it wouldn''t work.

It took my a long time (years) to figure out there were never going to be any answers...because she didn''t really want a solution. I''m not saying she was happy with her toxic marriage, but I am saying that she wasn''t proactively trying to save herself. I believe that people can change, but I do not believe that we can change anyone. If your friend is truly toxic, then she will have to come to healing in her own time...it may happen soon, or it may never happen...but there is no blanket for your question. I hope, really hope, that she does find peace in her life, that she lets go of the drama and lets the good come in, but I firmly believe (like I did) you need to seek people that like minded to fill your life with. You''ll know what she''s turned the corner. I wish you the best.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/26/2009 11:25:08 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I firmly believe (like I did) you need to seek people that like minded to fill your life with. You''ll know what she''s turned the corner. I wish you the best.

Thanks. Yeah, actually regarding the seeking of "like minded" to fill life with. Over the last few months, I''ve dedicated more time than before with other friends and the contrast between them and the needy friend is so extreme, that this has been a tremendous eye opener. Without spending an hour every two or three days being burnt out by one person, I suddenly have oodles of energy for my other friends. When someone drains you, it''s easiest to curl up into a ball and hide! eh. . .

Italia - your friend does sound EXACTLY like my friend. The type who always has problems and LIKES to have them. If there is a true solution to all her woes, what would she have to live for? lol (and I hope you decided to put your money back into your own nest egg. . .it''s generous to have thought of your friend, but you shouldn''t have to financially support her. My friend''s words left me feeling the same burden, but on a very microcosmic level. Never asking me for money, but always saying she desperately needs mascara or clarins'' face wash but doesn''t have the money and somehow leaving ME feeling like I should be offering to buy it for her.)