Have you ever had one of those friends?

[HollyS]

You know the kind.

When they can't one-up you, they'll disapprove or discount what you're doing.

Example:

Currently, I'm laid off and looking for work. Fortunately, DH and I are in good shape, and I can take some time for myself and apply only for jobs I really want. For now.

While I'm off work, I am looking for things to do that will occupy my time and make a difference. My church diocese (Episcopal) has a connection with a place in Africa where the Anglican/Episcopal communion is sponsoring the construction of water wells. I have volunteered to head a committee that will get our own congregation involved, and see if we can get all of the Episcopal churchs in surrounding cities and counties to sign on to raise funds for building wells.

My friend, after telling me all about her most recent visit to NYC to see her son, asked me, "So what have you been doing?" I tell her about the wells and what I'm going to undertake. After saying, "Wow!", she says, "Well, let me ask you a question; is there a reason why you can't help people in this country?"

What? Really?

 

[MissStepcut]

There are lots of people who think domestic charity should come first. If it were my friend, I would point out that no one in this country has to trek miles a day for clean drinking water.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I can't say I have any friends like that because I wouldn't call them my friend, at least not a genuine friend.

My real friends (small group) are people who are uplifting and supportive of my causes. I have a lot of fun acquaintences that I may hang out with time and again, but I wouldn't call them a friend if they made me feel the way your "friend" made you feel.

 

[makemepretty]

While she may usually try to put you down or one up you, her comment doesn't really sound like either. Like MissStepCut said, some people believe the U.S. needs so much help that they don't understand helping foreign countries. There are homeless, dying and children that need to be adopted in our own back yards. Not to the extreme we see in other places though. I believe any help is a wonderful thing, no matter who you give it to or where it goes.

 

[HollyS]

There are lots of people who think domestic charity should come first. If it were my friend, I would point out that no one in this country has to trek miles a day for clean drinking water.

Well, exactly. No one should have to explain the reasons why clean water is a life and death issue for Third World countries.

Only a self righteous nitwit would say such a thing.

And she wonders why she doesn't have many (if any) 'close' friends.

 

[Black Jade]

May not realize how it comes out.
Kudos to you for your clean water project, I think its a great thing to do.
As for your 'friend' maybe you need a break from her--or a conversation in which you say something like, "I feel put down when I say X and you say Y adn I thought I would let you know becasue you may not realize that it hurts me..."

 

[Amys Bling]

I find it isnt really even worn explaining yourself to those kinds of people. Save yourself the frustration.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think it's the tone and wording of her comment that are wrong, not the sentiment since it is after all, her opinion. If I had the same opinion, I would have said something like, "That's a really interesting project. What led you to choose this particular project over one closer to home?" in an effort to start an interesting dialogue.

I believe that there are plenty of people that need help domestically, but I also think it's a wonderful thing that God can touch our hearts individually, calling different people to serve in different ways.

 

[maplefemme]

I think what you are doing is highly commendable.
Maybe your friend has different core values than you do, her priorities are directed differently perhaps?
What is your friend doing to help people in her country?
Helping people is simple, where, well that's just geography.
I have worked in foreign aid, I get asked "why" all the time by people here and even by the people I'm helping.

I will go out on a limb and say this, it may or may not be valid for your particular church and situation but please confirm that someone from your camp is monitoring the funds physically within Africa and that they are all actually going towards the project.
A colleague and her church were sending funds over there for two years to build a school and buy supplies.
When the pastor decided to pay a visit to see the school he discovered there was no school, no supplies, not even a structure built.
However, his contacts over there were driving now some pretty fancy vehicles since his last visit.
He asked where the money went, they said it wasn't enough, they needed more.
There are many other well run projects that have adequate supervision and management with competent NGOs, your well project could be such, but if you don't know for sure I'd inquire.

Keep up the great work

 

[TristanC]

Why are you affected? Your friend has a very valid point. So do you. Agree to disagree, and just hold your ground. What she said has obviously rattled you, and if your convictions and rationale was there, it shouldn't have.

 

[centralsquare]

What are some people just so annoying? I'd just ignore her, realizing that that statement is reflection of her own issues.

 

[Porridge]

I've known a couple of people like that. Her view is valid and all, but the point IMO is that these people just love to put you on the defensive. You're having a nice cup of tea, chatting away and all of a sudden you find yourself in a position where you're asked to explain yourself. I fully believe it makes people like this feel like they have the upper hand, or a little more in control or something.

In one certain situation I had to spend a period of time with somebody like this. Constantly found myself explaining what I did, why I did it, and then having to listen to why what they did was better. Drove me nuts. What I do now, and I find this really effective, is turn it back on them. In this case I might say something like "personal choice/priorities. So, what are the close-to-home projects that you are talking about? Which ones are you involved in? I'd love to hear about them." Why should you all of a sudden have to defend and explain against her point of view? Let her do it!

I obviously don't turn questions around on everyone I meet, and there are very few people like this, but there is a definite line between curiosity and conversation, or a productive debate, and then people like this who put you on the defensive to get the upper hand, for no good reason.

 

[ksinger]

First, sincerely sorry to hear you've been laid off. Hubs and I are preparing for the worst case scenario ourselves and are striving mightily to pay off the house in the next 2.5 years, so should one of us be laid off for any reason, we are in the best position. But it's something we think about a lot. I hope you find something that pays the bills AND that you actually LIKE, soon.

As to the friend, well, I like the idea of turning the question around. Unfortunately, I'm usually so speechless in those situations - I'm too aghast that someone just said that too me to whip off a response that is equally full of catty, false concern.

I knew a woman like that years ago. An acquaintance from church - was a counselor of some stripe, don't recall just what now. We met via a little women's investment club they had there. Anyway, she started out nice and then she'd try to exert this weird control - off the wall questions in the middle of unrelated conversations, like (out of the blue), "What would you DO if your mother died?" I was totally taken aback, (but then I was younger too), I mean, what do you say to something like that??

Anyway, I decided that my spidey sense was too tingly and that she was a little too weird for me, and backed off from going deeper with the friendship. I swear that woman chased me! She called all the time (I refused to answer) and bugged my husband, and eventually called MY MOM, all full of false concern that I was depressed and needed help. She finally gave up, but dang.

I found out later that she had been a drug addict of some stripe, so some of her apparent control issues became a bit clearer.

In any case, I find those people are best just avoided in the end.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I've known a couple of people like that. Her view is valid and all, but the point IMO is that these people just love to put you on the defensive. You're having a nice cup of tea, chatting away and all of a sudden you find yourself in a position where you're asked to explain yourself. I fully believe it makes people like this feel like they have the upper hand, or a little more in control or something.

In one certain situation I had to spend a period of time with somebody like this. Constantly found myself explaining what I did, why I did it, and then having to listen to why what they did was better. Drove me nuts. What I do now, and I find this really effective, is turn it back on them. In this case I might say something like "personal choice/priorities. So, what are the close-to-home projects that you are talking about? Which ones are you involved in? I'd love to hear about them." Why should you all of a sudden have to defend and explain against her point of view? Let her do it!

I obviously don't turn questions around on everyone I meet, and there are very few people like this, but there is a definite line between curiosity and conversation, or a productive debate, and then people like this who put you on the defensive to get the upper hand, for no good reason.

Excellent idea.

 

[ame]

What a jerk! You're volunteering you time to help people and it's STLL not good enough. Whatever. That's someone you cannot win with!

I have one specific person that is like this. She makes more than I do, has a bigger rock than I do, has a better more glam job than I do, and yet *I* am the one "flaunting my wealth" because of my rings being "huge" (again, smaller than mine!) and I wouldn't give her $1200 in free wedding papers to do her invites--which apparently a good friend would do. Why would I give them to you when 1) you're also a designer and can get the same stuff and 2) you can easily afford them???? Why am I a bad friend for not just giving you over a thousand in stuff? That's nuts! How exactly do I flaunt anything? What wealth am I flaunting? Surely not my house, in the same lower middle class suburb, is it because I grew up in a middle class suburb and not this same one we both live in? Is it because I went to college and not a trade school for the same degree? Is it because I drive the SUV from the same brand of cars your little sedan is from? I shop at Target mostly for clothes, and sometimes Nordstrom and Lane Bryant. I have non-descript but very nice purses, but with no indication of brand and both of which I got online on clearance (woohoo!), I wear crocs flats or converse from target (love the star on the side!). She won't spend any time with me or our gang unless we go super cheap or we pay her way, which even if we go super cheap ends up being the way anyway--only if we pay her way. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. But I always get crap from her, sometimes publicly on FB and sometimes privately. She's either lying about her financial situation --- I NEVER discuss money or what I paid for sometihng, esp not with her --- or she's jealous of some aspect of my life. I don't get it though. And it's frustrating. I tried cutting her out, but somehow I keep ending up dealing with her.

 

[iheartscience]

Nope, never had one of those friends because I'm not friends with a-holes.

 

[Black Jade]

This 'friend' has a real problem ,Ame. I'd try distancing myself from her once again, especially because it seems that you remember her foolish remarks all too well and that she has hit a nerve enough to make you fell (needlessly) defensive.

What a jerk! You're volunteering you time to help people and it's STLL not good enough. Whatever. That's someone you cannot win with!

I have one specific person that is like this. She makes more than I do, has a bigger rock than I do, has a better more glam job than I do, and yet *I* am the one "flaunting my wealth" because of my rings being "huge" (again, smaller than mine!) and I wouldn't give her $1200 in free wedding papers to do her invites--which apparently a good friend would do. Why would I give them to you when 1) you're also a designer and can get the same stuff and 2) you can easily afford them???? Why am I a bad friend for not just giving you over a thousand in stuff? That's nuts! How exactly do I flaunt anything? What wealth am I flaunting? Surely not my house, in the same lower middle class suburb, is it because I grew up in a middle class suburb and not this same one we both live in? Is it because I went to college and not a trade school for the same degree? Is it because I drive the SUV from the same brand of cars your little sedan is from? I shop at Target mostly for clothes, and sometimes Nordstrom and Lane Bryant. I have non-descript but very nice purses, but with no indication of brand and both of which I got online on clearance (woohoo!), I wear crocs flats or converse from target (love the star on the side!). She won't spend any time with me or our gang unless we go super cheap or we pay her way, which even if we go super cheap ends up being the way anyway--only if we pay her way. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. But I always get crap from her, sometimes publicly on FB and sometimes privately. She's either lying about her financial situation --- I NEVER discuss money or what I paid for sometihng, esp not with her --- or she's jealous of some aspect of my life. I don't get it though. And it's frustrating. I tried cutting her out, but somehow I keep ending up dealing with her.

 

[HollyS]

Nope, never had one of those friends because I'm not friends with a-holes.

I aspire to reach this pinnacle, and never again have an a-hole for a friend!



Nice people, which I guess I am, deep down, don't always think of retorting at the moment a retort would be appropriate. We're too aghast that someone would make such a deliberately dismissing remark.

And her point wasn't that SHE was concerned with helping the less fortunate in America - - not at all. I could easily have said, "Oh, and what do you do, exactly, for those in need?" But, instead of being equally an a-hole, I recounted all the things my church does do, here in America and locally, for others. Then all she could say was, "Oh."

Perhaps she doesn't want me to be okay with being unemployed. If I'm getting on with my life, then she can't feel sorry for me, and smug about herself. Oh, well. She'll just have to get over it.

 

[partgypsy]

I am not someone who can think of witty retorts when someone puts me on the defensive, but my hubby and my twin sister are. So often I'll tell them about some situation and they would say, "well I would say so and so" and I say really? not sure if I would have had the guts to say that and we have a good laugh about it. Some of the things my husband thinks of are quite humorous, if rude, but he feels if you dish it you have to take it. However even he had someone say/do something so off the wall he was literally speechless, so it can happen to even the best of them.

I commend that you are doing that. I read some article that clean water access and nutrition, even micro nutrient supplementation are some of the most cost effective ways of helping people in Africa. And it is a life or death situation, especially for small children who can succumb to communicable disease.

 

[ame]

I definitely remember all her nonsense. I am particularly sore about the paper one, because it's insanely obnoxious. She gives me grief for not referring people I can't work with to her because she started her own business because "if you can do it, anyone can". WTF does that mean?! I've owned more than this business before, I obviously know what I am doing if I can leave the one while it's still profitable with a huge chunk, and run my other while still working elsewhere full time. It's not easy, I don't have a life. But since I am apparently loaded, stupid, and a spendthrift...lol

This 'friend' has a real problem ,Ame. I'd try distancing myself from her once again, especially because it seems that you remember her foolish remarks all too well and that she has hit a nerve enough to make you fell (needlessly) defensive.

What a jerk! You're volunteering you time to help people and it's STLL not good enough. Whatever. That's someone you cannot win with!

I have one specific person that is like this. She makes more than I do, has a bigger rock than I do, has a better more glam job than I do, and yet *I* am the one "flaunting my wealth" because of my rings being "huge" (again, smaller than mine!) and I wouldn't give her $1200 in free wedding papers to do her invites--which apparently a good friend would do. Why would I give them to you when 1) you're also a designer and can get the same stuff and 2) you can easily afford them???? Why am I a bad friend for not just giving you over a thousand in stuff? That's nuts! How exactly do I flaunt anything? What wealth am I flaunting? Surely not my house, in the same lower middle class suburb, is it because I grew up in a middle class suburb and not this same one we both live in? Is it because I went to college and not a trade school for the same degree? Is it because I drive the SUV from the same brand of cars your little sedan is from? I shop at Target mostly for clothes, and sometimes Nordstrom and Lane Bryant. I have non-descript but very nice purses, but with no indication of brand and both of which I got online on clearance (woohoo!), I wear crocs flats or converse from target (love the star on the side!). She won't spend any time with me or our gang unless we go super cheap or we pay her way, which even if we go super cheap ends up being the way anyway--only if we pay her way. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. But I always get crap from her, sometimes publicly on FB and sometimes privately. She's either lying about her financial situation --- I NEVER discuss money or what I paid for sometihng, esp not with her --- or she's jealous of some aspect of my life. I don't get it though. And it's frustrating. I tried cutting her out, but somehow I keep ending up dealing with her.

 

[centralsquare]

Nope, never had one of those friends because I'm not friends with a-holes.

I aspire to reach this pinnacle, and never again have an a-hole for a friend!



Nice people, which I guess I am, deep down, don't always think of retorting at the moment a retort would be appropriate. We're too aghast that someone would make such a deliberately dismissing remark.

And her point wasn't that SHE was concerned with helping the less fortunate in America - - not at all. I could easily have said, "Oh, and what do you do, exactly, for those in need?" But, instead of being equally an a-hole, I recounted all the things my church does do, here in America and locally, for others. Then all she could say was, "Oh."

Perhaps she doesn't want me to be okay with being unemployed. If I'm getting on with my life, then she can't feel sorry for me, and smug about herself. Oh, well. She'll just have to get over it.

She just seems that she doesn't want the best for you -- or you have a suspicion that she doesn't in general. Urgh, I'd kiss her good bye!

 

[AGBF]

After saying, "Wow!", she says, "Well, let me ask you a question; is there a reason why you can't help people in this country?"

Now this is where I get in trouble. I would at that point have been tempted to make up an elaborate story about my longstanding relationship with the CIA and the pact I had with them to work overseas...or some other bizarre and colorful scenario which I would have delivered in a perfectly dry and deadpan manner. The friend would have believed every word I said and we would have become engaged in a long conversation about my alleged relationship with the CIA in which I embellished on my exploits.

Deb

 

[HollyS]

After saying, "Wow!", she says, "Well, let me ask you a question; is there a reason why you can't help people in this country?"

Now this is where I get in trouble. I would at that point have been tempted to make up an elaborate story about my longstanding relationship with the CIA and the pact I had with them to work overseas...or some other bizarre and colorful scenario which I would have delivered in a perfectly dry and deadpan manner. The friend would have believed every word I said and we would have become engaged in a long conversation about my alleged relationship with the CIA in which I embellished on my exploits.

Deb

Yeah, I can see you doing that. Unfortunately, she knows me too well for any crazy, Robert Ludlum-esque, story.

 

[Indylady]

You know the kind.

After saying, "Wow!", she says, "Well, let me ask you a question; is there a reason why you can't help people in this country?"

What? Really?

Heh. Yes, I've had that kind of friend. One in particular, and we're not friends anymore. It doesn't matter what you're doing; she's either done it first, done it better, or thinks it isn't worth 5 cents. What joy do people get out of putting down others?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Nope, never had one of those friends because I'm not friends with a-holes.

Oh c'mon...i know you love me!!..

 

[Kaleigh]

I learned early on to toss them aside. It's kinda like learning how to say NO.. The people I have in my life are wonderful and are very giving. I am getting old, and know the power of NO. But always love the back and forth, and to see someone say how they think. But for the most part if you come across having a closed mind... Many won't like that...

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

You know the kind.

After saying, "Wow!", she says, "Well, let me ask you a question; is there a reason why you can't help people in this country?"

What? Really?

Heh. Yes, I've had that kind of friend. One in particular, and we're not friends anymore. It doesn't matter what you're doing; she's either done it first, done it better, or thinks it isn't worth 5 cents. What joy do people get out of putting down others?

prob because they grew up in a family where someone treated them to the same thing.
Ever see Despicable Me ?
How about that Mom?

My Mom was one of those "Eh" characters,
and I can actually just hear her say to me exactly what your friend said to you !!!
It took a lot of years for me to regain some self-esteem (although I have NEVER treated others that way,
and HAVE had *friends* in the past who acted just like that too)
My Mom doesn't bother me any more, and I don't have friends like that any more either

Ditch the friend, and go on with your very worthy cause !!!
My charity is Humane Society, and I can just hear my Mom say "Well, what about PEOPLE ???"

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

"I had tea with Rinjin, warming ourselves next to the fire after our evening daal bhat. We talked late into the night. Rinjin understood the importance of what we were doing. He asked me in many different ways why I was doing this for children in Nepal. Why not somewhere else? Why not helping in my own country? I had no good answer for him, except to simply say that in Nepal, nobody else was taking care of them. What other reason was there?" (Grennan, C. (2010). Little Princes. One Man's Promise to Bring Home the Lost Children of Nepal. William Morrow. pp.164).

Give this amazing book to your "friend".

cheers--Sharon

 

[iheartscience]

Nope, never had one of those friends because I'm not friends with a-holes.

Oh c'mon...i know you love me!!..

You're a'ight! And not close to being an a-hole!

 

[bee*]

I had a friend exactly the same as that Holly. She had to have a disapproving comment on absolutely everything or one-up me. It did take a while but she's no longer my friend.