Have you ever had an emotional affair?

[nmg]

To be perfectly honest, my husband doesn’t talk to me (or hear me- if you have been in my shoes you’ll know what I mean) and I wonder if I’ve found the perfect solution or the biggest can of worms in a new friend that is just as lonely as I am, lives a million miles away, and is always up for a chat.

 

[kenny]

Question# 1: Is this person a man or woman?
Question# 2: Do you talk to your husband about it, or even let him read your online chats?
Question# 3 :... or do you keep this communication secret from your husband?

 

[tyty333]

Good questions @kenny.

Have you talked to your DH about seeing a therapist? I cant imagine being married to someone that doesn't talk to you. Is this
something that has developed over years or has he never been good about talking to you? Or, is this something totally new?

 

[kenny]

Q4: Is he one of those macho guys with a dad that taught him that guys don't talk about their feelings and emotions?

Q5: Has he always been this way, or is this behavior recent?

 

[MissGotRocks]

If it is something that you can’t tell your husband about, then you are going in the wrong direction. As valuable as an emotional support can be, it won’t fix the underlying problem of a spouse that doesn’t speak or share with you. You simply cannot interchange one for another.

 

[seaurchin]

I suggest cutting this emotional affair off immediately and permanently, and making an appointment with a marriage counselor instead.

Would you find it acceptable if your spouse found you lacking in some way and cheated (in any way) rather than honestly and directly trying to work the problem out with you?

 

[Calliecake]

I would end the emotional affair. If your husband does not agree to marriage counseling, I would definitely go to therapy by myself.

 

[nmg]

Thank you for the dose of reality. I will make sure we see a counsellor. I am trying hard to stay married, for the kids. Isn’t that a cliche?

Life is so hard sometimes.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Thank you for the dose of reality. I will make sure we see a counsellor. I am trying hard to stay married, for the kids. Isn’t that a cliche?

Life is so hard sometimes.

No, not cliche. It is best for the family to stay together unless there are good reasons for them not to stay together. You and your husband will have to decide if the marriage is worth saving and/or how the kids will be affected if you don’t. A marriage counselor may be able to help you wade through these decisions. Good luck - whichever way you decide to go.

 

[nmg]

No, not cliche. It is best for the family to stay together unless there are good reasons for them not to stay together. You and your husband will have to decide if the marriage is worth saving and/or how the kids will be affected if you don’t. A marriage counselor may be able to help you wade through these decisions. Good luck - whichever way you decide to go.

Thank you for sharing your kindness and wisdom.

 

[nmg]

Question# 1: Is this person a man or woman?
Question# 2: Do you talk to your husband about it, or even let him read your online chats?
Question# 3 :... or do you keep this communication secret from your husband?

1 - man
2 - yes; no
3 - as secret as all my other communication with my other friends.

 

[nmg]

Good questions @kenny.

Have you talked to your DH about seeing a therapist? I cant imagine being married to someone that doesn't talk to you. Is this
something that has developed over years or has he never been good about talking to you? Or, is this something totally new?

It is something that developed quickly when he had a stressful job for 5+ years. He has changed careers and we are trying to undo the damage. He is also not a very chatty person in general. I never knew how much it would matter to me. The loneliness is so thick, I could choke on it.

 

[nmg]

Good questions @kenny.

Have you talked to your DH about seeing a therapist? I cant imagine being married to someone that doesn't talk to you. Is this
something that has developed over years or has he never been good about talking to you? Or, is this something totally new?

Oh- he is seeing a therapist. We are trying to find a couples counsellor. Again. Can’t seem to find a good fit.

 

[nmg]

If it is something that you can’t tell your husband about, then you are going in the wrong direction. As valuable as an emotional support can be, it won’t fix the underlying problem of a spouse that doesn’t speak or share with you. You simply cannot interchange one for another.

I keep rereading this. It is so helpful. Thank you.

 

[nmg]

Q4: Is he one of those macho guys with a dad that taught him that guys don't talk about their feelings and emotions?

Q5: Has he always been this way, or is this behavior recent?

4- no
5- he was a bit this way, then it got way worse when he had a stressful job. He is very “in his own head” - kind of a super genius Elon musk type.

 

[nmg]

I suggest cutting this emotional affair off immediately and permanently, and making an appointment with a marriage counselor instead.

Would you find it acceptable if your spouse found you lacking in some way and cheated (in any way) rather than honestly and directly trying to work the problem out with you?

Who can say. I’m so checked out after feeling alone for so many years.

 

[monarch64]

I suggest cutting this emotional affair off immediately and permanently, and making an appointment with a marriage counselor instead.

Would you find it acceptable if your spouse found you lacking in some way and cheated (in any way) rather than honestly and directly trying to work the problem out with you?

Why? Her husband doesn’t talk to her/is unavailable. I am so tired of women being expected to work on the bad behavior of the husband’s instead of cutting their losses and gtfo.

 

[monarch64]

Thank you for the dose of reality. I will make sure we see a counsellor. I am trying hard to stay married, for the kids. Isn’t that a cliche?

Life is so hard sometimes.

As the child of parents who remained married for 53 years in a very dysfunctional relationship to keep up appearances I can tell you that your kids will be far happier and more well-adjusted if everyone is just honest about the situation and deals with it accordingly and with the help of professional counseling.

You aren’t to blame and you are NOT responsible for holding it all together. We all deserve love and respect that we don’t have to constantly WORK FOR.

 

[monarch64]

I will say one more thing and exit the thread because this is clearly a hot-button issue for me.

Men have been allowed for far too long to get away with doing the bare minimum in relationships and marriage and women have been expected to be somehow grateful for being picked. For being “worthy” of a man marrying them. I know nothing about you nor your marriage. But please, please, please don’t compromise your happiness for everyone else’s.

 

[nmg]

@monarch64 your voice is appreciated. These things are always complicated, aren’t they? *sad smile*

 

[canuk-gal]

Oh- he is seeing a therapist. We are trying to find a couples counsellor. Again. Can’t seem to find a good fit.

Have you found someone who is a good fit for you? As a starting point, just for you?

Your husband is seeing his own therapist. He has his therapeutic rescue and you warrant the same.

 

[Lookinagain]

If the parent's don't have a good partnership, the kids will not know what one is. So staying together if the marriage isn't a fulfilling one isn't good for either the parents or the kids. I know more adult children who have dysfunctional partnerships because their parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. The kids learned the dysfunction from the parents so staying together wasn't the right decision for any of them. I think the only good reason for staying together is because it's working for both parents. If that takes couples therapy that's fine. But I wouldn't wait for a few years for it to be "fixed". If this has been going on for 5 years, it's too long. A stressful job is one thing, but wouldn't someone normally come home and talk about the stress? Are you sure it's actually the job and not something else going on?What's the point of being married if you feel so alone? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

[nmg]

Have you found someone who is a good fit for you? As a starting point, just for you?

Your husband is seeing his own therapist. He has his therapeutic rescue and you warrant the same.

Thanks for asking. I have a counsellor. Our mutual availability hasn’t been great lately. And when I told her about this emotional connection with this guy, she… I felt judged. Fair enough. And she was floored that my husband knew about it. He cares a bit but not much? It’s so strange.

 

[nmg]

If the parent's don't have a good partnership, the kids will not know what one is. So staying together if the marriage isn't a fulfilling one isn't good for either the parents or the kids. I know more adult children who have dysfunctional partnerships because their parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. The kids learned the dysfunction from the parents so staying together wasn't the right decision for any of them. I think the only good reason for staying together is because it's working for both parents. If that takes couples therapy that's fine. But I wouldn't wait for a few years for it to be "fixed". If this has been going on for 5 years, it's too long. A stressful job is one thing, but wouldn't someone normally come home and talk about the stress? Are you sure it's actually the job and not something else going on?What's the point of being married if you feel so alone? It doesn't make sense to me.

Thank you for these sobering thoughts. Divorce sounds awful. But being lonely forever sounds words. I’d rather be alone than lonely…

 

[seaurchin]

Why? Her husband doesn’t talk to her/is unavailable. I am so tired of women being expected to work on the bad behavior of the husband’s instead of cutting their losses and gtfo.

That's not what I said. When a marriage isn't working, I'd call that a marital problem, not automatically that one person is behaving badly and the other is a victim who is entitled to have an emotional affair. Also, cheating is not "cutting their losses and gtfo," though of course she or anyone is always free to do that if they want. Anyway, the OP asked for opinions. I gave her mine and you are free to give her yours. She, of course, can do whatever she wants. Not interested in arguing about it.

 

[Lookinagain]

I’d rather be alone than lonely…

Agree, Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are or will be lonely. I know a lot of single people (either never married, or divorced) who are quite happy and not lonely. Being in a non-communicative partnership seems like it can just smack you in the face that you are alone, when you really aren't or shouldn't be. I think that sounds worse than being alone when you expect to be, or you want to be.

 

[nmg]

Agree, Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are or will be lonely. I know a lot of single people (either never married, or divorced) who are quite happy and not lonely. Being in a non-communicative partnership seems like it can just smack you in the face that you are alone, when you really aren't or shouldn't be. I think that sounds worse than being alone when you expect to be, or you want to be.

Actually this is exactly what I meant but failed to express. Thanks for putting it so well

 

[nmg]

That's not what I said. When a marriage isn't working, I'd call that a marital problem, not automatically a "misbehaver" and a victim. Also, cheating is not "cutting their losses and gtfo," it is cheating. Anyway, the OP asked for opinions. I gave her mine and you are free to give her yours, and she can do as she chooses. Not interested in arguing about it.

Yup. It feels sh*tty to be such a POS. But it feels extreme to ask for a divorce just because I have a “special friend”. Sigh. Couples counselling. I will see how it goes.

 

[seaurchin]

Yup. It feels sh*tty to be such a POS. But it feels extreme to ask for a divorce just because I have a “special friend”. Sigh. Couples counselling. I will see how it goes.

Oops, you quoted my post while I was still "editing" it but the main idea is the same.

I think it's easy to fall into something when you are unhappy and unfulfilled. You are not a POS at all, maybe just a little lost right now.

The problem is, as you're probably aware, this attempt at holding it all together is likely to only make it even worse in the end.

I have been married for a long time and to couples counseling before. In my case, it was wonderful. But even if it's not, imo it's a better chance for the least painful outcome. Best wishes to you. Don't worry, you'll be okay. Hugs.

 

[nmg]

Oops, you quoted my post while I was still "editing" it but the main idea is the same.

I think it's easy to fall into something when you are unhappy and unfulfilled. You are not a POS at all, maybe just a little lost right now.

The problem is, as you're probably aware, this attempt at holding it all together is likely to only make it even worse in the end.

I have been married for a long time and to couples counseling before. In my case, it was wonderful. But even if it's not, imo it's a better chance for the least painful outcome. Best wishes to you. Don't worry, you'll be okay. Hugs.

Thanks for the kind, thoughtful words and e hugs. And if I wasn’t totally clear - I’m the only one calling myself a POS.

I am hopeful that with effort and a great couples counsellor, things can turn around.

I’ve also read enough threads in PS to know that if divorce happens, I’ll survive.