Have you ever had an emotional affair?

[Lookinagain]

ve also read enough threads in PS to know that if divorce happens, I’ll survive.

Yes, you will. And don't call yourself a POS for wanting some closeness and communication in your relationship. That's not a POS. That's a human.

 

[Calliecake]

@nmg, I usually stay out of these types of threads out of fear of saying the wrong thing. We never know how someone is feeling and what they are going thru. If you feel your therapist is judging you, please find another one you feel comfortable with. There job is to help you, not judge you.

 

[Autumn in New England]

Wow, so many great questions (@kenny) and pearls of wisdom from fellow PSers. Ideally, of course, we want our partners to be the one person with whom we feel we can fully share and communicate. That is not the case here. But perhaps it can be... this will require dedication and commitment on your husband's part (and yours). If you see a counselor, and your husband seems willing and able to make some adjustments (and maybe you too), then that would be the best case scenario. I agree with @MissGotRocks that you may be headed for some trouble with this other relationship. It's long distance, yes, but if he's fulfilling a need you're not receiving from your husband at the moment, it might be setting you and your husband up for failure before you've really given yourselves a chance to work on this issue. We can catch feelings surprisingly fast, especially when we're in a vulnerable state, as you seem to be. If you get to that point with your friend, it's an awfully difficult emotion to undo. So if you are still in love with your husband, and he with you, and you want to remain married (not just for the kiddies, but yourselves), I think you may want to step back from the other communications. It doesn't have to be entirely... a "hey" once in a while seems harmless. But long, heady, late night chats? Hmm... dangerous. I hope you find clarity and renewed happiness, whatever you choose! Hugs!!

 

[nmg]

@nmg, I usually stay out of these types of threads out of fear of saying the wrong thing. We never know how someone is feeling and what they are going thru. If you feel your therapist is judging you, please find another one you feel comfortable with. There job is to help you, not judge you.

Thank you for this.

 

[nmg]

Wow, so many great questions (@kenny) and pearls of wisdom from fellow PSers. Ideally, of course, we want our partners to be the one person with whom we feel we can fully share and communicate. That is not the case here. But perhaps it can be... this will require dedication and commitment on your husband's part (and yours). If you see a counselor, and your husband seems willing and able to make some adjustments (and maybe you too), then that would be the best case scenario. I agree with @MissGotRocks that you may be headed for some trouble with this other relationship. It's long distance, yes, but if he's fulfilling a need you're not receiving from your husband at the moment, it might be setting you and your husband up for failure before you've really given yourselves a chance to work on this issue. We can catch feelings surprisingly fast, especially when we're in a vulnerable state, as you seem to be. If you get to that point with your friend, it's an awfully difficult emotion to undo. So if you are still in love with your husband, and he with you, and you want to remain married (not just for the kiddies, but yourselves), I think you may want to step back from the other communications. It doesn't have to be entirely... a "hey" once in a while seems harmless. But long, heady, late night chats? Hmm... dangerous. I hope you find clarity and renewed happiness, whatever you choose! Hugs!!

Sober wisdom, gently delivered. Thank you.

 

[missy]

First of all I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am a big believer in things can be turned around.
If you both want them to be you can save your relationship and marriage.
But you both have to want it to be so.
Which of course means putting each other first and being able to honestly talk with each other about how you are feeling and how you want to make things better.

From what I understand it is critical to find a good counselor but not easy.
Do not settle for a therapist who is less than. Anyone who judges you is not worthy of being your therapist.
You deserve better. You deserve an advocate who will help you and not judge you.

May I recommend an excellent book? One that you and your husband can read together.
We read it the first year of our marriage and it turned everything around for the better.
Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

This New York Times bestselling book is an overview of the concepts, behaviors, and skills that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

www.gottman.com

If you both read it and work on things as discussed in the book I think you will be very pleasantly surprised at how helpful it can be.

To answer your question about emotional intimacy with another who isn't your partner.

No, thankfully we are each other's best friend and neither of us have ever had an emotional affair with anyone else while we were and are together.

I consider this to be as much cheating as having a physical affair. Emotional intimacy is just as (if not more) important than the physical side of things. Without love, trust, respect and (emotional and physical) intimacy you have nothing IMO in a relationship.

Don't beat yourself up please. You are only human. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Your intentions are good and you want to make things better. This is the first step towards doing so. But your husband also has to want to make the relationship better. It does take two to work on marital issues. It cannot all be done by one. You both need to do the work. But you can do it and you can come out of this stronger and more in love and committed to each other.

But also, not every relationship is meant to be or meant to go on and the key is figuring it out. To do that one must do the work and see if you can make the relationship stronger and better or if it just isn't meant to be.

I’ve also read enough threads in PS to know that if divorce happens, I’ll survive.

Exactly. You are stronger than you know. And in the face of true adversity you will rise to the challenges and succeed. OF that I have no doubt. But first you will see if your marriage is worth saving. I am a big believer in trying until you know it is no longer worth it.

Sending you many well wishes for a healthier and stronger and more supportive relationship.
But more importantly, I am sending you healing vibes and wishes for a happy and successful future filled with love and joy and contentment. However that might look.

 

[RetroQT]

Your needs (basic human needs we all share) aren’t being met at home. So then the question is “have I effectively communicated this issue to my husband?” That seems easy to answer. But it’s not. Why? Men communicate differently. They hear and process things differently.

Just as an example, saying “I don’t think you’re paying enough attention to me” may not spark the urgency in him to realize what’s happening before it’s too late. “How can we fix the problem of the lack of attention/intimacy/communication in our marriage so we can be happy again?” This may make him see something is “broken” that he needs to “fix”. Again, just examples and it would depend on how your husband best receives things.

In the end, there is a connection that is missing or very loose in the relationship. It can be fixed (provided there isn’t abuse). But it will take both of you being 100% committed to doing the repair work and the regularly scheduled maintenance. If either one of you can’t or won’t give 100%, then staying just for the kids is not a viable option. That’s a breeding ground for unhappiness and the kids will feel it.

I wish you the best! I hope you and your husband can be on the same page about the next steps for your marriage. And I hope happiness is on its way to you.

 

[dk168]

Been there, done that, it was a downward spiral that did not fix the cracks in my own relationship with my ex-husband, ultimately ended in divorce.

DK

 

[nmg]

First of all I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am a big believer in things can be turned around.
If you both want them to be you can save your relationship and marriage.
But you both have to want it to be so.
Which of course means putting each other first and being able to honestly talk with each other about how you are feeling and how you want to make things better.

From what I understand it is critical to find a good counselor but not easy.
Do not settle for a therapist who is less than. Anyone who judges you is not worthy of being your therapist.
You deserve better. You deserve an advocate who will help you and not judge you.

May I recommend an excellent book? One that you and your husband can read together.
We read it the first year of our marriage and it turned everything around for the better.
Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

This New York Times bestselling book is an overview of the concepts, behaviors, and skills that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

www.gottman.com

If you both read it and work on things as discussed in the book I think you will be very pleasantly surprised at how helpful it can be.

To answer your question about emotional intimacy with another who isn't your partner.

No, thankfully we are each other's best friend and neither of us have ever had an emotional affair with anyone else while we were and are together.

I consider this to be as much cheating as having a physical affair. Emotional intimacy is just as (if not more) important than the physical side of things. Without love, trust, respect and (emotional and physical) intimacy you have nothing IMO in a relationship.

Don't beat yourself up please. You are only human. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Your intentions are good and you want to make things better. This is the first step towards doing so. But your husband also has to want to make the relationship better. It does take two to work on marital issues. It cannot all be done by one. You both need to do the work. But you can do it and you can come out of this stronger and more in love and committed to each other.

But also, not every relationship is meant to be or meant to go on and the key is figuring it out. To do that one must do the work and see if you can make the relationship stronger and better or if it just isn't meant to be.




Exactly. You are stronger than you know. And in the face of true adversity you will rise to the challenges and succeed. OF that I have no doubt. But first you will see if your marriage is worth saving. I am a big believer in trying until you know it is no longer worth it.

Sending you many well wishes for a healthier and stronger and more supportive relationship.
But more importantly, I am sending you healing vibes and wishes for a happy and successful future filled with love and joy and contentment. However that might look.

Thank you for the good vibes. I do like that book. Still trying to get DH to read the two chapters of the love languages book that pertain to me… not sure how much more reading hw I can give him

I will focus on finding a great counsellor.

 

[nmg]

Your needs (basic human needs we all share) aren’t being met at home. So then the question is “have I effectively communicated this issue to my husband?” That seems easy to answer. But it’s not. Why? Men communicate differently. They hear and process things differently.

Just as an example, saying “I don’t think you’re paying enough attention to me” may not spark the urgency in him to realize what’s happening before it’s too late. “How can we fix the problem of the lack of attention/intimacy/communication in our marriage so we can be happy again?” This may make him see something is “broken” that he needs to “fix”. Again, just examples and it would depend on how your husband best receives things.

In the end, there is a connection that is missing or very loose in the relationship. It can be fixed (provided there isn’t abuse). But it will take both of you being 100% committed to doing the repair work and the regularly scheduled maintenance. If either one of you can’t or won’t give 100%, then staying just for the kids is not a viable option. That’s a breeding ground for unhappiness and the kids will feel it.

I wish you the best! I hope you and your husband can be on the same page about the next steps for your marriage. And I hope happiness is on its way to you.

Thank you

 

[nmg]

Been there, done that, it was a downward spiral that did not fix the cracks in my own relationship with my ex-husband, ultimately ended in divorce.

DK

Thank you for this. Not easy to talk about. We are all human. And as someone said above and as you echoed- it will not fix the cracks.

 

[MissGotRocks]

And again, just to stay on topic, the OP wonders if anyone has ever had an emotional affair? Not that she is responsible for her husband's lack of communication or that she should be trying to 'fix' that. I think that people can complicate their lives in many unintended ways. We are, after all, just human and reach out for things that may be missing in our lives. However, this just adds another layer to the original problem and can make it even harder to sort out.
As a couple, hopefully counseling could help both of them see whether or not the marriage should continue - particularly if one of them is unhappy with an important part of it. Her husband would also have a side to this - maybe there is a reason he doesn't communicate or maybe he thinks all is well and he doesn't understand her concern. I would never want to see someone in an unhappy marriage and would certainly not advocate staying just for the sake of the family. However, the family has to be considered as do their individual feelings. None of us knows these parties, what their lives are really like or how they interact with one another.
I would also wonder about the other party that is willing to get involved with a married woman who is, as she states, just as lonely as she is. Friendship is one thing but having it to take the place of a missing component in a marriage is just a recipe for disaster. Then there start to be comparisons made between the husband and the friend and truth be told, all she would know about the friend is that he is willing to talk to her in perhaps a way that her husband is not. He clearly has issues somewhere in his life too or he would not be seeking out someone to talk to online. I am just a bit leary of stranger/danger. Things start out innocently enough and then can take unexpected turns. I think it is just best to deal with the issues at hand instead of adding another player into the mix.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

to answer theOP's quetsion
yes, ive had an emotional affair and it saved me from falling off the edge
and maybe i him also
both parties are all fine now

 

[Calliecake]

@Daisys and Diamonds , I’m sorry you felt like this Daisy. It made me sad to think you ever felt this bad. I’m so glad you are doing well now.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@Daisys and Diamonds , I’m sorry you felt like this Daisy. It made me sad to think you ever felt this bad. I’m so glad you are doing well now.

thank you Calliecake

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

I will admit I did, and it grew to more. My narcissist previous husband is controlling and covertly emotionally abusive, though it was a very slow boil and snuck up on me. Honestly I didn't see how much it affected me until I got good counseling. It revealed to me how I found myself being a "home wrecking cheater" (my own), as I never thought I would do such a thing. We tried couples counseling but it was clear that he never was going to be able to move past it nor see what brought us there, so I chose to leave and not be forever punished. It was difficult, we have 3 children. But I decided I didn't want my sons to think that was the way to treat their wives, nor my daughter thinking it was a normal way to be treated. My oldest children are 23 and 20 now and both in long term relationships. They know all the ugly facts of what happened 8 years ago. And I honestly feel like it has taught them how to be better partners. At least, I hope. They definitely do see now what a healthy marriage is and how a healthy relationship treat each other in my marriage now, and to that I am very grateful.

*sorry for the run on sentences. My eyes are tired.

 

[mom2dolls]

I have had an emotional affair, as has my husband. We were not married at the time.

My girls and I moved back to CA to live with my then boyfriend. We knew we were getting married, just not engaged yet. Everything happened fast, neither of us were ready for all that happened when blending a family with a 40 year old bachelor who had no children of his own, co-parenting with a monster.

I was at work one day scrolling FB and got a friend request from my first boyfriend/first love. An innocent FB conversation turned into a full blown emotional affair. I was in deep, I admit. My boyfriend checked my phone one night when I forgot to take my phone into the bathroom while I showered. (That is how bad it was!) He found all of our messages and confronted me. He was broken. I ended the affair immediately.

This led him to reach out to his first love for comfort. He began an emotional affair as we were supposed to be rebuilding our relationship. It was a rough year working through all the wreckage we caused each other. He finally ended his affair and the real work began.

We have been married for nine years, together for 13. We both deeply regret what we have done to each other, however, we both also know we cherish each other, trust each other and love each other at the level we do because we have been at rock bottom and chose to fight our way back.

If you ever want to talk offline, I am here. This is such a tough situation to be in. Sending nothing but support to you and love. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[LLJsmom]

Just sayin, my parents have not had a healthy relationship. I won’t go into details because it hurts to talk about it. They stayed together because of me. But, I have a wonderful relationship with my spouse and I fully credit it to them. I learned what I did not want to do. It’s not a perfect relationship and we have challenges and fights but we are honest and confront issues and talk things out and for each other’s backs and are each other’s biggest fan. I learned all this because I watched it everything my parents did wrong. So even if you do stay, it doesn’t necessarily mean your kids are doomed. But every situation is different. I don’t know what you’re going through and cannot judge and don’t know what is best for you. I hope the best for you, your spouse and your children. What else I will say is watching my parents dysfunctional relationship for my whole life I can clearly see neither is blameless. Humility, kindness and empathy go a long way. And I will also say that even if they found other partners, the issues would have likely arisen again if each of their personal issues weren’t addressed. And trust me. They weren’t.

 

[TooPatient]

Yes. It quickly drifted to more than just casual. I will say that if you truly want to work on your marriage, you really need to drop ALL communication with this person. It took that for me to be really able to try to talk and make him understand the issues. The person messaged just a hi after a length of time and I let him know that I was happy with where I was and needed to not talk with him. Guess what? I had to tell my brain to stop it for weeks after! I would be tired or my other half would make a small mistake and my brain would think it wasn't a big deal (which was true) then go on to thinking that I could always talk with this other person. I mean, what harm is just talking if I need someone to talk with? The harm was in that I found myself watching and judging rather than being a partner and working on a common relationship.

I wish you luck in however you decide to move forward. The Gottman books are great. You can also check out their websites for card games and stuff to help you build a strong relationship. Take a look and see if anything feels like a good fit for you. Even if you read the books and he doesn't, it might help give good insight about communicating in a way he can hear you.