Have you ever considering weighing in on someones real life???

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 6/10/2009 12:13:40 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 6/10/2009 10:37:21 AM

Author: MonkeyPie

Whitby is probably the nicest person on the planet. Honestly, that is the coolest thing I have ever heard, and I commend you for it.

I probably wouldn''t have jumped in. I got bullied in school, and all it did was give me a thicker skin and make me less likely to trust people straight off the bat. Everyone learns it somehow, and everyone gets bulled in some way. I''m sure he will grow up to be better than those boys that were being mean to him - because he understands how it feels to messed with. Definitely be super nice the next time you see him, though!

While I think that maybe it made you a better person...that isn''t the sort of thing that can be a blanket statement. Kids kill themselves over bullying left unchecked.

Well, that''s not really what I meant (I was talking about myself personally, not kids as a whole), but the vast majority are not going to kill themselves over bullying...

 

[AmberWaves]

I''m not often interjecting in someone''s life, unless it''s a child who isn''t getting the necessary attention while out with a family member or something like that, but I think it''s usually because I''m with my husband. He''s a teacher, and years of moderating and molding kids has left a permanent mark on him. If he sees kids getting picked on, he gets up and questions the bullies- he''s quite formidable, very tall, very large. Still, he makes it seem less like a pity confrontation than a "What is so right with YOU that you can pick on someone else?" Perhaps that''s why I rarely intervene- because I know he''ll usually do it, and it''ll come across less in a "poor baby" way than it would should I (all five foot nothing of me) have done something. Now, hurt animals? That''s something different.

I think there are also a small amount of kids who get picked on who go on to pick on someone else, a sibling, an underclassmate, sometimes women. Heck, I dated a guy who was picked on constantly- he joined the Marines and started picking on ME. Yeah, because that was a good idea.

Whitby: You''re a saint, really.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 6/10/2009 12:29:27 PM
Author: AmberWaves
I''m not often interjecting in someone''s life, unless it''s a child who isn''t getting the necessary attention while out with a family member or something like that, but I think it''s usually because I''m with my husband. He''s a teacher, and years of moderating and molding kids has left a permanent mark on him. If he sees kids getting picked on, he gets up and questions the bullies- he''s quite formidable, very tall, very large. Still, he makes it seem less like a pity confrontation than a ''What is so right with YOU that you can pick on someone else?'' Perhaps that''s why I rarely intervene- because I know he''ll usually do it, and it''ll come across less in a ''poor baby'' way than it would should I (all five foot nothing of me) have done something. Now, hurt animals? That''s something different.


I think there are also a small amount of kids who get picked on who go on to pick on someone else, a sibling, an underclassmate, sometimes women. Heck, I dated a guy who was picked on constantly- he joined the Marines and started picking on ME. Yeah, because that was a good idea.


Whitby: You''re a saint, really.

no - really NOT a saint - not even particularly nice before my morning coffee. and italianhaircolor i do apologize for these comments. i''ve started a thread letting people know where they can read more about angelo if they so choose.

thank you all for the supportive comments - they are very appreciated - if you care to read or comment, you''ll find the appropriate post in my who''s who thread.

now back to our regular programming.....

 

[partgypsy]

I think that my Mom and I have sympathetic faces or something, some reason we often get into conversations with complete strangers. Now working at a VA I''m more into boundary-setting, trying not to get involved so much but still it happens. For example the last time I had an information table for the study I''m recruiting, ended up talking to someone in the waiting room. Here is this person sitting in the middle of a busy waiting room, and the only way I can describe it, he looked in distress. I initiate a conversation with him and don''t know if I''m over-reacting escort him to the ER. When my table is over I go back to see how he is doing and he was laying down, getting an IV and was told they are keeping him. I didn''t ask the details but was glad I did something.

My husband is like Amber Waves''. He is 6''2" and not afraid to intervene to stand up for the "little guy" and because he is both friendly, verbally quick on his feet and has a strong physical presence can (usually) get away with it. I told him to tone it down after one time he and a friend went to Waffle house late at night. One of the customers was being extremely verbally abusive and threatening to a waitress, and since the customer was a big angry (maybe drugged up) guy, the rest of the people in the restaurant kept looking away, quiet and cowed. My husband spoke up and told him to cut her a break, she is waiting on all these tables. The man came over to my husband''s table and basically did not want to leave without a fight. My husband kept talking to the guy, keeping his cool, not taking the bait while probably more than 1 person frantically dialed 911. Finally the friends of the big guy convinced him to go, and as they were leaving they got stopped by the police who hauled him away. After it happened the waitress thanked him, people clapped, and other customers slapped on the back. I could bet you if my husband saw what Italiacolor saw, he would go up to those boys and say something to make them feel stupid and foolish.

 

[soocool]

It''s amazing how kids change between the ages of 5 and 15! When they were in Kindergarten they were taught to play nicely together and during the morning meetings they said only nice things to each other and every child shook hands. Thery had monthly assemblies about not using harsh words, including everyone during playtime, partnering up for projects, etc.. What happened after that?

My daughter is a sophomore in high school and she still can''t believe how kids act. She has a great group of friends with perhaps the exception of one girl. However, her group is the one who would have sat down next to that boy and started a conversation. A girl my DD didn''t particularly like in middle school was getting picked on in high school. One day the girl started crying after getting picked on so my DD went up to her to comfort her. Soon they found out they had a lot in common and became very good friends. In fact it is this friend who has helped her during a difficult time this school year.

I am so proud of my DD. She has made so many friends by just giving a person a chance to be a friend. She''ll start up conversations with kids who aren''t part of a group or those who are being picked on by others. She''ll give them compliments or ask for their help with something. Funny thing is she doesn''t get picked on because she is well liked in school and it makes the kid who felt like an outcast, now like one of the crowd. Why can''t others follow by example?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/10/2009 12:15:39 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 6/10/2009 12:13:40 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 6/10/2009 10:37:21 AM

Author: MonkeyPie

Whitby is probably the nicest person on the planet. Honestly, that is the coolest thing I have ever heard, and I commend you for it.

I probably wouldn''t have jumped in. I got bullied in school, and all it did was give me a thicker skin and make me less likely to trust people straight off the bat. Everyone learns it somehow, and everyone gets bulled in some way. I''m sure he will grow up to be better than those boys that were being mean to him - because he understands how it feels to messed with. Definitely be super nice the next time you see him, though!

While I think that maybe it made you a better person...that isn''t the sort of thing that can be a blanket statement. Kids kill themselves over bullying left unchecked.

Well, that''s not really what I meant (I was talking about myself personally, not kids as a whole), but the vast majority are not going to kill themselves over bullying...

While you''re probably right that a large amount of kids will shrug it off...there are those who don''t or can''t.

Some children take personal attacks and taunting very seriously. Dateline always has some special on about some highschooler or middleschooler who took his/her life after over-the-line taunting, teasing.

So, does that make it any more acceptable because only a slim number of kids kill or hurt themselves as opposed to a majority who manage to cope better? I think it''s wrong...very, very wrong. I don''t care if it''s one or one million...it shouldn''t be viewed as a "right of passage" or any other nonsense like that. I am kicking myself for not getting up and putting a stop to it.

 

[partgypsy]

I''m proud of my 6 year old daughter (in kindergarten) for the same reason. She is friends with and helps everyone in her class. The teacher considers her a role model. It is a split preK/K class. When she was in preK at the end of the year she knew the kindergarteners were moving up into a different class, my daughter explained that the preK''s would take their place. She thought it in a very literal fashion explaining which PreKer would take which kindgergartener''s place. And she said, and I''m taking so and so''s place (one of the popular dominant girls) but unlike her I''m going to be nice to EVERYONE. And she has.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Um...no, it doesn''t make it ok, but that isn''t what I said so...anyway.

soocool, your daughter sounds AWESOME. You raised her right

 

[mysterylover]

I was bullied on my school bus in junior high. It would certainly NOT have helped had an adult intervened; that would only have escalated the ugliness. Nerd that I was, which is probably why I was targeted, I still had enough moxy to navigate my way through it. While kind adults, who mentored me in my school age years and beyond, were certainly instrumental in my overall sense of self worth, I don''t think a complete stranger would have made much of a lasting impression.

It never would have occurred to me to think less of myself, or give any thought to things like suicide. Kids who have parents that truly parent have enough self esteem to get through that kind of thing without falling off the deep end. Unfortunately, many parents don''t have a clue how to raise well adjusted children. But you can''t really take up where they left off, unless you actually know the child.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I saw this article this morning on Boston.com (online version of the Globe) and I immediately thought about this thread. Italia, have you had any other interactions with this kid? How is he doing?

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2009/07/18/anti_bullying_forces_are_targeting_the_bystanders/

 

[dianne]

Bullying makes me sick, also. When I was in first grade I used to take up for a classmate that had a speech impediment. Several boys would pinch him on his arms until he bled. When I witnessed this I would fight the boys. First grade, spunky, and my Mom said you don''t ever pick on others. Anyway, I got lots of paddling (it was allowed way back then) and comments on my report card for fighting. All the bullies grew up to be the football/basketball jocks in high school....the one being bullied finished high school two years early and went on to college. I wonder where he is now....I still have a soft spot for him.


Whitby, I am so touched by your actions and efforts to help Angelo. I just looked up this story and there are pics of Angelo...such an angelic, beautiful child. It just breaks my heart.

 

[crystalheart1]

My son just received 15 stiches Saturday night on his right elbow ( he is a QB for his college''s football team ) for breaking up a fight.

My son is a JOCK and never fights.. he has a history of sticking up for the under dog.

Not all football players are bullies... some are really very nice.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 6/9/2009 3:29:06 PM
Author: whitby_2773
oh! this is the sort of scenario that just breaks my heart!

no, i dont buy in to scenarious with strangers...directly...but i definitely do indirectly.

in this sort of situation i wouldnt have said anything about the incident in McD''s, but i would DEFINITELY have gone and given him my cart, told him what a great job he was doing on a fairly thankless task, thanked him for what he was doing, told him i hoped he had a great day, and tried ot have found ANYTHING positive to have said about him - like - ''wow - great shoes! and boy, you must need ''em for this tough job! thanks so much for taking my cart for me - you''re doing a great job!'' or something to that effect. and if he had responded, i would have stood and chatted to him for a short time and given him as much nurture as i could sneak into his heart.

actually, i say i stay out of these situations - and i more or less always do (part of being an ex psychologist - you just learn to draw a hard line) - but recently a situation arose which i couldnt stay objective and removed about. someone posted a link to the story of a 4 year old boy whose father, while hopped up on PCP, ate one of the eyes out of his son''s head, and tried to do the same with the second eye. he wasnt successful in completely removing it, but it did blind the second eye also so that the little boy is now completely blind in both eyes due to his father''s actions.

i couldnt stay out of that one and have made contact with the family/hospital/department of community services in the area and so on and so on and have banded together with a few friends to set up a trust for the boy in question (angelo). i pray for angelo every day, think of him all the time, and am doing all i can do to ensure he has an education later in life so he can live self sufficiently. i am hoping to work with the aunt and uncle who are seeking custody and establish contact with angelo at some point in the future.

most of the time i just manage to turn away, but i felt this as tho it had happened to a child of mine, and i decided to go at this all the way. All The Way. If Angelo needed a home, i''d willingly adopt him. there is something wrong with the world when someone who should be the source of love and security turns out to be the font of pain and betrayal. when a child who should be living in light is plunged into darkness at the hands of someone who is his fundamental caregiver and source of love. i cant quite bear a world like that, so i decided to take this as my calling and am trying to do all i can to redress this situation. my husband and i have no children, and so we''re in a position where we can help with this. when he''s finished growing, we''ll start addressing whether anything can be done with transplants and so on. this is a slow process and a lifelong commitment, so things happen gradually. but i''m very tenacious and i''m a ''long term'' kind of person, so i''m the right person for this situation (apart from being a kids'' psych with a specialty in dispute res and experience working with both drug addicts and foster families). so this one just had my name all over it.

anyway, re your situation, yes, i''d have said something - but i''d have been careful not to have given sympathy. rather, i''d have given a new source of nurture, and something for him to hang on to when you''d gone - ie ''i do a great job! i have good shoes! i am useful!

i hope you see him again, italianhaircolor - too many people remain silent with their hands thrust deep into their pockets. it sounds like you''re the right person to spread some soft, sweet words over a painful situation.

what great advice from whitby!I would find out his name and any time he helps me in the store then I would remind him what a great job he is doing.I remember Those bullies in jr. high school and the pain and self doubt they created for me.Lucky for me I had friends, family and the jewelry trade people who helped to build me up when these bullies tried to tear me down.