Have you ever considering weighing in on someones real life???

[Italiahaircolor]

So, last Thursday I had my friends son with me all day so she could travel for business. As a special treat, I took him to McDonalds for lunch. Well, unknown to me it must have been finals because the place was overrun with highschools--but not seniors, you can tell, you know?

As we were sitting there--I noticed a boy (probably 16 or 17) sitting alone. The place was packed with his classmates...and there he sat. It was sad, really. No one was talking to him, but you could tell he was hopeful...often looking around, smiling at people he knew...but no one approached him at all. Finally a couple of boys came up and started making fun of him...calling him awful names and just embarrassing him. It broke my heart...and if I hadn''t of had a 4 year old in toe I would have unleashed and really scared those boys. The boy I''d been watching quickly cleaned up his meal (meanwhile the taunting continued)....walked out (the bullies followed) got on his bike and rode away.

So....

Last night I was at the grocery store getting some stuff and low and behold....there is the boy who was teased collecting carts. I had to stop myself from going over and introducing myself--and telling him that although it''s hard now, life does get easier.

I wanted to...really, really badly. Because, from what I saw, the teasing wasn''t an isolated incident...and this boy was really hurt by it. But something stopped me...maybe it''s the fact that I didn''t want to be nosy or interfer...but I just couldn''t bring myself to say anything..

So my question is, has anyone here ever given unsolicited advice IRL?

 

[tlh]

Yes. Usually when I am a bit

cheerful.

I am pretty straight forward and honest, and have been known to give strangers hugs. i don''t know that I would have said anything, because it would have been hard to have said something NICE... Something that didn''t seem that what I was feeling was pity... if that makes sense.

But my heart wretches with your story, and I am giving him a mental hug right now, even though I don''t know him, and will never meet him. Italia, you are really a wonderfully nice person. I know your response was appropriate, and I wouldn''t worry about your response... but just hope that he gets to come back to his reunion, rich with a mega hot wife - and rub it in those bullies faces.

 

[Lorelei]

Poor lad....

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Ugh. What a tough situation. My little brother is 16, so this really hit home for me. Because of this connection to a 16 year old, I probably would have struck up a conversation with him. That being said, boys at that age are skittish creatures and are very sensitive. This poor kid had to deal with rejection and humiliation in public, I would be afraid of making it worse (think-unknown attractive older woman approaching you in the parking lot at work to say she witnessed a particularly humiliating moment...). He's going to feel like an even bigger ass regardless of what you say unfortunately. Now, if it were your husband who witnessed it, or if the boy were a girl and you witnessed it then I'd be all for having a chat with him.

ETA-next time you're in the store, be sure to say hi and make eye contact. Let him see that you acknowledge his existence. Then, if you see him around you can say hi and then down the road when you're more familiar with each other you can have a conversation with him about life.

 

[jcarlylew]

wow... just.. *UGH* i cannot stand bullies like that.
I haven''t had an opportunity to do so, but i am not sure what action i would take. its a tough choice. at one point, you don''t want to make it worse, but on the other hand you want the person to know that there are good people out there!!

 

[whitby_2773]

oh! this is the sort of scenario that just breaks my heart!

no, i dont buy in to scenarious with strangers...directly...but i definitely do indirectly.

in this sort of situation i wouldnt have said anything about the incident in McD''s, but i would DEFINITELY have gone and given him my cart, told him what a great job he was doing on a fairly thankless task, thanked him for what he was doing, told him i hoped he had a great day, and tried ot have found ANYTHING positive to have said about him - like - "wow - great shoes! and boy, you must need ''em for this tough job! thanks so much for taking my cart for me - you''re doing a great job!" or something to that effect. and if he had responded, i would have stood and chatted to him for a short time and given him as much nurture as i could sneak into his heart.

actually, i say i stay out of these situations - and i more or less always do (part of being an ex psychologist - you just learn to draw a hard line) - but recently a situation arose which i couldnt stay objective and removed about. someone posted a link to the story of a 4 year old boy whose father, while hopped up on PCP, ate one of the eyes out of his son''s head, and tried to do the same with the second eye. he wasnt successful in completely removing it, but it did blind the second eye also so that the little boy is now completely blind in both eyes due to his father''s actions.

i couldnt stay out of that one and have made contact with the family/hospital/department of community services in the area and so on and so on and have banded together with a few friends to set up a trust for the boy in question (angelo). i pray for angelo every day, think of him all the time, and am doing all i can do to ensure he has an education later in life so he can live self sufficiently. i am hoping to work with the aunt and uncle who are seeking custody and establish contact with angelo at some point in the future.

most of the time i just manage to turn away, but i felt this as tho it had happened to a child of mine, and i decided to go at this all the way. All The Way. If Angelo needed a home, i''d willingly adopt him. there is something wrong with the world when someone who should be the source of love and security turns out to be the font of pain and betrayal. when a child who should be living in light is plunged into darkness at the hands of someone who is his fundamental caregiver and source of love. i cant quite bear a world like that, so i decided to take this as my calling and am trying to do all i can to redress this situation. my husband and i have no children, and so we''re in a position where we can help with this. when he''s finished growing, we''ll start addressing whether anything can be done with transplants and so on. this is a slow process and a lifelong commitment, so things happen gradually. but i''m very tenacious and i''m a ''long term'' kind of person, so i''m the right person for this situation (apart from being a kids'' psych with a specialty in dispute res and experience working with both drug addicts and foster families). so this one just had my name all over it.

anyway, re your situation, yes, i''d have said something - but i''d have been careful not to have given sympathy. rather, i''d have given a new source of nurture, and something for him to hang on to when you''d gone - ie "i do a great job! i have good shoes! i am useful!

i hope you see him again, italianhaircolor - too many people remain silent with their hands thrust deep into their pockets. it sounds like you''re the right person to spread some soft, sweet words over a painful situation.

 

[Haven]

Heartbreaking. Just absolutely heartbreaking.

Seeing kids bullied and ostracized is one of the most gut-wrenching things in the world for me to have to witness. I have no idea what I would have done, but my guess is that the teacher in me would have come out, somehow.

I''m sick just thinking about this young man and the pain he must feel.

I like the idea of striking up a conversation, letting him know he is recognized by others, and going from there.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Whitby,
I commend and admire you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

whitby, that was a beautiful post. You truly are special.

 

[TravelingGal]

Whitby, kudos to you. Just reading about what that father did made me nauseous. There are truly monsters in this world.

Italia, I probably would have done something indirectly. Or maybe I would have just gone over there and beat up those kids...but they are someone''s sons too.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks everyone for the advice...

I think I will keep an eye out for him next time I hit the grocery store. Even if all I do is smile and say thank you...thats something.

I think what breaks my heart the most is the fact that I did nothing. I just let it happen. This was a child...and I was like shocked and horrified, but speechless at the same time. That''s not my character...nor is it my norm. I should have walked over an gotten the point across that being an a-hole is unacceptable.

Bullying gets me to the core. Makes. Me. Sick.

 

[somethingshiny]

I think you should speak to him the next time you see him.

I don''t think you should bring up the McD''s situation, but I''d definitely take on a friendly attitude with him and try to speak to him each time you see him. It sounds like he''s really friendless and a smiling face could go a long way in his life.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/9/2009 4:01:00 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thanks everyone for the advice...

I think I will keep an eye out for him next time I hit the grocery store. Even if all I do is smile and say thank you...thats something.

I think what breaks my heart the most is the fact that I did nothing. I just let it happen. This was a child...and I was like shocked and horrified, but speechless at the same time. That''s not my character...nor is it my norm. I should have walked over an gotten the point across that being an a-hole is unacceptable.

Bullying gets me to the core. Makes. Me. Sick.

I believe you will get your chance to see this lad again Italia.

 

[Tuckins1]

Poor kid!! I was the kind of girl who would stand up for the little guy... People thought I was a total bitch, but I just couldn''t stand to see a person being taunted or harassed for no good reason. It''s sad that that boy didn''t have ANYONE to stand up for him, and he just isn''t able to stand up for himself.

I try to stay out of people''s business IRL... Unless it''s something really heinous and then I will say something.

 

[Kaleigh]

I hope you do see him again and give him a pat on the back for a job well done. The bullies have no clue the damage that they do. Kids are killing themselves over this.

 

[Sha]

Date: 6/9/2009 3:07:13 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
So, last Thursday I had my friends son with me all day so she could travel for business. As a special treat, I took him to McDonalds for lunch. Well, unknown to me it must have been finals because the place was overrun with highschools--but not seniors, you can tell, you know?

As we were sitting there--I noticed a boy (probably 16 or 17) sitting alone. The place was packed with his classmates...and there he sat. It was sad, really. No one was talking to him, but you could tell he was hopeful...often looking around, smiling at people he knew...but no one approached him at all. Finally a couple of boys came up and started making fun of him...calling him awful names and just embarrassing him. It broke my heart...and if I hadn't of had a 4 year old in toe I would have unleashed and really scared those boys. The boy I'd been watching quickly cleaned up his meal (meanwhile the taunting continued)....walked out (the bullies followed) got on his bike and rode away.

So....

Last night I was at the grocery store getting some stuff and low and behold....there is the boy who was teased collecting carts. I had to stop myself from going over and introducing myself--and telling him that although it's hard now, life does get easier.

I wanted to...really, really badly. Because, from what I saw, the teasing wasn't an isolated incident...and this boy was really hurt by it. But something stopped me...maybe it's the fact that I didn't want to be nosy or interfer...but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything..

So my question is, has anyone here ever given unsolicited advice IRL?

Yes, totally. I've 'told off' strangers a couple times - usually parents...for things like swearing in front of their children and for playing music filled with curse words with their toddlers in the back seat. But I live in a different culture, where people talk with each other very freely. This can be good or bad - sometimes you get unsolicited negative comments or advice from people but a lot of other times complete strangers will say the nicest things to cheer you up, like "Hello lovely, you looking really nice today" or if someone sees you looking down they will shout, "Smile!" or make some friendly conversation.
Sometimes people will stop to give you a word of encouragement or praise too, which is always nice

.

When I went to Canada for University it took me a while to get used to the difference in culture. I felt very lonely for a while there - everybody just kept to themselves so much more. I think up North people are less likely to give advice to complete strangers for fear of being thought of as 'nosy' - so I can see why you were hesitant.

I would've definitely said something nice to that young fella. There's a chance he might've felt embarassed by it...but who knows? He might've appreciated it too - maybe it would've helped make him feel less alone.

I feel so sorry for what he had to go through....

 

[icekid]

This totally breaks my heart, too. Growing up is hard enough without your peers using you as they''re whipping boy. I''m not sure what I would have done in that situation either, Italia. You want to get involved, but at the same time don''t want to make things worse for the kid either.

whitby- you are one wise lady!

 

[Lynn B]

Well, Italia, I understand your regret and your feelings, but maybe your doing nothing at McD''s was the best thing for the boy, after all.

It is possible that had you confronted them, the bullies could have treated him even worse after you left, or at another time... can''t you just hear a jeering, "Now that your MOMMY''S gone, who''s gonna protect you NOW????" or something equally brutal and vindictive.

That incident didn''t happen in a vaccuum... and that boy will probably be facing those bullies again. I''m afraid that, however well-intentioned, he needs more than a single, isolated incident of someone standing up for him.

 

[lulu]

I always give unsolicited advice and chastise people about their public behavior. Probably because that was a big part of my job for years. I always call people on bad behavior towards children and animals and my husband tells me that someday I''m going to get punched out in the WalMart parking lot. I probably would have said something to the bullies. Not saying it''s right or wrong, but that''s me.

Whitby, you''re terrific!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Aww, that poor kid! That makes me sad for him

, and very angry at those other boys

!
I guess that I usually keep my comments to myself, but I will give a nasty look or a shake of my head when it is needed (ie: to those mean boys).

Whitby, that is a horrible thing that happened to Angelo, and you are such a wonderful person for caring about him like you did.

 

[Lilac]

I understand you wishing you could have done something at the time, but you can''t beat yourself up about it because if you HAD said something in the presence of the bullies, it would have likely made it much worse. If you see him again though, maybe (as others have suggested) just take the time to say something nice, a compliment, just something to make him smile and feel noticed.

I hate bullies - I''ll never understand how people can be so cruel to others. I feel so bad for this kid and I hope things turn around for him soon.

 

[Skippy123]

Whitby, wow, you are a wonderful person; you have a beautiful heart!!!


Italia, I too would just give that young man a big smile and thank him for a great job; that is so sad what happened to him. I think sometimes when we are missing compassion from others and someone else shows it makes a difference somehow. I pray that boys is stronger in the end from these experiences. You are sound sweet and caring.

 

[phoenixgirl]

In general, I think the strangers who give you "advice" are usually creepy or annoying, like the lady who told me to stop crying when the condo I had moved into the day before was on fire and seven fire trucks were there to put out the blaze. She told me at least I was safe. Yeah, I knew that, thanks, I just think that the frustration of how sucky it is to unpack your last box and then set the place up in flames warranted a few tears!

But in your case, it does sound serendipitous. I''d just be careful not to sound condescending if you get the chance again (and if you do, I''d be inclined to think I was *meant* to say something). He''s a teen old enough to have a job, not a 10 year old or anything, so I''d probably just tell him that you saw him at McDonald''s the other day and thought he was a really cool, mature kid compared to those idiots from his school. I''d compliment him instead of getting into some kind of "one day you''ll look back on this . . ." speech.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''m so torn on this one. On the one hand, I was that kid - I was actually the fat/smart kid, which is a really bad combination (there was even an "I hate AmberG" club in 3rd grade). Kids can be so incredibly cruel.

I really don''t know though, how much it would have helped if a random adult had reached out to me. I did have some adult friends/mentors/teachers who really took an interest in me, and that helped, but I never really believed them that it would get better. But it couldn''t hurt to do as Hudson Hawk suggested - treat someone like that as a human being, making eye contact and giving them an opportunity to connect if they feel it would be helpful.

 

[hlmr]

Italia, I would have felt the same as you. It kills me when I see someone get bullied. It really affects me a lot. These poor souls suffer so much at the will of their peers. I often find the kids that do the bullying are experiencing this at home.

I think the best idea is to build him up in other ways if you see him again. Positively reinforcing what you see him doing well.

Whitby, the world is a better place because of people like you.

 

[ficklefaye]

hi italia, i thought i would share my story, i grew up with classmates making fun of me and i became a very angry child and teenager, i hated going to school, my sister tried to stand up for me, but it didn''t help, it eventually ended when i went onto high school and didn''t have to see these people, however now as an adult, i still see some of the people who made fun of me and i''m comfortable enough with myself that i don''t let them bother me, yes, they do still try to make fun of me, imagine, we''re adults now and it''s like they''ve never changed!

i agree with whitby, if you ever see him again, i think saying something positive to him would help, even a smile goes a long way

 

[makemepretty]

Aw, poor kid. Those years are so tough. I tell my preteen/teen that it is never ok to pick on another kid. I also tell them that it''s ok to be sad and hormones will make them feel awful in those years but it passes. I hope he has someone that lets him know there is life much greater and better after high school. Yes, a kind word would be wonderful next time you see him, in any form, even a friendly smile can cheer someone up.

For all those teased in high school, don''t take it personally. As a teenager you think you know it all and are a grown up but you grow and mature all the way into your 30''s. People who tease and pick are very insecure. I was so shy in high school but I''m not any more. People change and mature. In fact, if you can make it through high school, you can do anything.

 

[perry]

Yes I have.

It can be a very rewarding experience. You can show someone a different future and help them get there.

Be it a simple smile and hello - or more involved freindship and guidance...

Do not be ashamed of not acting the first time. Your heart is in the right place - you questioned your reaction and learned from the situation. I wish a lot more people did that.

I too have been there - and had to think through how I reacted and how I could do better. It has changed who I am to a much better person over the years.

You''re going to do just fine - and I am sure you will be a positive influence in this young persons life.

Perry

 

[MonkeyPie]

Whitby is probably the nicest person on the planet. Honestly, that is the coolest thing I have ever heard, and I commend you for it.

I probably wouldn''t have jumped in. I got bullied in school, and all it did was give me a thicker skin and make me less likely to trust people straight off the bat. Everyone learns it somehow, and everyone gets bulled in some way. I''m sure he will grow up to be better than those boys that were being mean to him - because he understands how it feels to messed with. Definitely be super nice the next time you see him, though!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/10/2009 10:37:21 AM
Author: MonkeyPie
Whitby is probably the nicest person on the planet. Honestly, that is the coolest thing I have ever heard, and I commend you for it.

I probably wouldn''t have jumped in. I got bullied in school, and all it did was give me a thicker skin and make me less likely to trust people straight off the bat. Everyone learns it somehow, and everyone gets bulled in some way. I''m sure he will grow up to be better than those boys that were being mean to him - because he understands how it feels to messed with. Definitely be super nice the next time you see him, though!

While I think that maybe it made you a better person...that isn''t the sort of thing that can be a blanket statement. Kids kill themselves over bullying left unchecked.