Have we lost the spark?

[maggiemai]

…… I met up with a friend last night for a drink, She was telling me how her BF bought her a wonderful bouquet of flowers for Valentines surprised her with a night in a beautiful hotel and wrote her a poem, ran her a bath and had the room filled with candles on her return. She is going away every weekend to somewhere or other, has 2 big holidays booked… the list goes on and on…. I know im not jealous of her, I just feel things have gone very dull in my life, my BF and I did nothing for valentines (my fault I told him not to bother as we were both working late and would be too tired to enjoy it), I bought him earphones for his ipod for the gym which I gave him weeks ago and he gave me a card not signed still in plastic. We did go for dinner on the sat night after but we were both tired and didn’t even have wine or dessert. My BF and I work very hard we both work 11 hour days and at the weekend my BF is busy renovating new house…. I just feel after talking to her that we have lost the spark and are getting too relaxed with each other and not making the effort…

 

[Larissa]

I think every relationship goes through slumps. Not to mention the hard work that relationships require. Relationships never quite feel the same as they did in the beginning, they lose some of the excitement and give way to the real life of renovating the house, washing dishes, and cleaning up cat poo.

If it bugs you then try to do something about it, mention that you''d like to go away for the weekend and plan the getaway...or ask for flowers more often. But I''d say on the whole, you probably haven''t lost that spark. Real life just set in. And I''d be willing to bet money that it will at some point for your friend as well.

 

[anchor31]

I agree with Larissa... Every relationship, romantic or no, has it''s ups and down. Because someone had a uber-romantic v-day and you didn''t (hey, I didn''t either, FI is on the other side of the country until next week!) doesn''t mean that you''ve lost your spark. Not all men are the surprising type either. If you want to do something special to reconnect with your man, do it! I highly recommend going away for a few days, it''s very effective!

 

[maggiemai]

I had this conversation with my BF last night and he pointed out, that my friend is living in the clouds as he put it, he pointed out that they are together 4 years and have made no move to buy a house of their own as they are both living with their parents, over 100miles apart, and that they must spend all their money going on holidays.... i see his point but im going to make more of an effort with our our relationship... it doesnt have to cost money we just have to plan things more, and even though we are both working hard we have to make time to do nice things together. My friend has always makes me feel bad about myself / relationship etc, my BF thinks she does it on purpose, I dont know, i just think that she has a good life..

 

[Beth07]

Peggy - I know how you feel. My best friend has a boyfriend and they have been dating as long as FF and I. They are always going away, eating at fancy places, buying lots of clothes....BUT! They both are living with their parents and live 2 hours apart! I moved out almost 2 years ago and now FF and I have been saving for an apt and he''s purchased a ring. My friend can''t even talk to her boyfriend about getting engaged!

Personally I''d rather be moving forward with my life with FF, then be living at home with my folks and not even know what he''s thinking about getting engaged!

Relationships are unique and one cannot be compared to another. But yes everyone goes through slumps when the pressure is on. The key is to live in the moment and realize you need to enjoy each other more and appreciate each other.

 

[janinegirly]

i definitely can understand. my bf is also not romantic and v. practical. i know there are countless positives taht come along with his steadfastness and decency--but it''s hard to watch other friends/family who are more careless with $ be friviolous and go on fabulous vacations and get showered with designer overpriced baubles.
when i bring it up, my bf also points out that those couples are all about show and no substance, don''t have homes, savings like we do--we are the real deal, etc etc. But sometimes it just isn''t as fun to think about that boring stuff..even though it''s of course right! Sometimes you do just want to be spoiled with something totally silly and impractical..but i guess it usually runs one way or the other!

anyway, sounds like your friend is in an extreme situation and i''m sure there are things that you''re not aware of that aren''t so rosy.

 

[KimberlyH]

Being romantic doesn''t mean not having a practical side and vice versa. And comparing couples who have different priorities isn''t really an accurate means of gauging whether or not their''s enough spark in your own relationship; one should be able to determine that on his or her own. My sister and her husband are not as good at living within their means as DH and I are (meaning they buy each other things they desire and take trips they can''t necessarily afford comfortably and sacrifice other, more practical things in doing so) than my husband and I. This doesn''t make them any less real a couple, they just have different priorities than we do. Neither one is better or more right and it doesn''t make my relationship with my husband or my sister''s relationship with her husband any more or less real. Just as savings accounts and owning a home don''t make a couple a "real" couple, it just means that two practical people have ended up together.

Relationships, all relationships, mean working to keep the spark alive. This doesn''t mean you have to run off to some fantastic place every weekend (but if you have the means to do so and take advantage of it, more power to you!). It means you do nice things for each other. Yesterday I got DH''s breakfast ready for him. Every morning he leaves the paper on the kitchen counter/bar for me to read while I eat. When we go to the store we buy each other cards, or little treats. Sometimes we suprise each other with plans to see a play or go to a movie. We go out on dates twice a week. These are not expensive things, they are just caring gestures between two people who love one another.

If you feel like something is missing, than work towards creating it. And if your guy is more practical and less romantic, recognize the little gesters he makes to make you happy. Things like making sure your car has gas or the oil''s been changed, or that he watches your favorite TV show with you, even if he thinks it''s stupid.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/21/2007 8:15:41 AM
Author: maggiemai
I had this conversation with my BF last night and he pointed out, that my friend is living in the clouds as he put it, he pointed out that they are together 4 years and have made no move to buy a house of their own as they are both living with their parents, over 100miles apart, and that they must spend all their money going on holidays.... i see his point but im going to make more of an effort with our our relationship... it doesnt have to cost money we just have to plan things more, and even though we are both working hard we have to make time to do nice things together. My friend has always makes me feel bad about myself / relationship etc, my BF thinks she does it on purpose, I dont know, i just think that she has a good life..

Well sheesh, why didn''t you mention this part?

As someone who has done long distance TWICE, I can tell you that they are living life differently from the norm. When TGuy and I were long distance, we wrote sweet, romantic messages to each other, planned fantastic trips to be with each other, and had wild wonderful sex almost every night we were together.

Now we''re married and live together. There are more grumpy phone calls than romantic text messages. Trips to the supermarket have taken the place of trips to Playa del Carmen. We have more vanilla sex than chocolate sex (and many nights, no sex!)

But on most nights, TGuy still reaches for my hand and we hold hands until we fall asleep. My relationship is so much better now. It''s real.

 

[janinegirly]

of course all relationships are different and all require keeping the spark alive from time to time. it''s very normal.

but i do think that some couples who are more frivilous and do not think long term (ie savings, future home, future family, practical things) and instead consistently spend $ and time on unnecessary things is possibily indicative that it has less chance of long term survival.
so no, it''s not to say these are not "real" couples, but their relationship may not be based on "real" (aka solid) things. not saying this describes what the OP was talking about, but was where i was coming from.

 

[musey]

Date: 2/21/2007 1:39:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
As someone who has done long distance TWICE, I can tell you that they are living life differently from the norm. When TGuy and I were long distance, we wrote sweet, romantic messages to each other, planned fantastic trips to be with each other, and had wild wonderful sex almost every night we were together.


Now we're married and live together. There are more grumpy phone calls than romantic text messages. Trips to the supermarket have taken the place of trips to Playa del Carmen. We have more vanilla sex than chocolate sex (and many nights, no sex!)


But on most nights, TGuy still reaches for my hand and we hold hands until we fall asleep. My relationship is so much better now. It's real.

Everything TGal said, especially those last two sentences.

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/21/2007 11:41:16 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Being romantic doesn't mean not having a practical side and vice versa. And comparing couples who have different priorities isn't really an accurate means of gauging whether or not their's enough spark in your own relationship; one should be able to determine that on his or her own. My sister and her husband are not as good at living within their means as DH and I are (meaning they buy each other things they desire and take trips they can't necessarily afford comfortably and sacrifice other, more practical things in doing so) than my husband and I. This doesn't make them any less real a couple, they just have different priorities than we do. Neither one is better or more right and it doesn't make my relationship with my husband or my sister's relationship with her husband any more or less real. Just as savings accounts and owning a home don't make a couple a 'real' couple, it just means that two practical people have ended up together.


Relationships, all relationships, mean working to keep the spark alive. This doesn't mean you have to run off to some fantastic place every weekend (but if you have the means to do so and take advantage of it, more power to you!). It means you do nice things for each other. Yesterday I got DH's breakfast ready for him. Every morning he leaves the paper on the kitchen counter/bar for me to read while I eat. When we go to the store we buy each other cards, or little treats. Sometimes we suprise each other with plans to see a play or go to a movie. We go out on dates twice a week. These are not expensive things, they are just caring gestures between two people who love one another.


If you feel like something is missing, than work towards creating it. And if your guy is more practical and less romantic, recognize the little gesters he makes to make you happy. Things like making sure your car has gas or the oil's been changed, or that he watches your favorite TV show with you, even if he thinks it's stupid.

Everything you said I agree with there Kimberley. D and I go away alot but we also have a very practical side. We are also together nearly 8 years and although there have been times when there has been a bit of a lull in the relationship in terms of the spark dissapearing, I can safely say that 90% of the time we have a great time and its because of the effort that we put in. We both work extremely hard and Im usually in college from 9-5 and then work from 5.30-9.30, but we always make the effort with each other. If your friend is enjoying her relationship, fair play to her. I dont think that its fair to judge her too that she has been with her bf for four years and is not looking at buying a house together. There is no rush and I think they are better doing it in their own time rather than just as they're together four years. If you feel that there is a bit of a lull in your relationship, I can say from experience, that it wont get better until you both put the effort in (and I can say from experience as D is one of the most unromantic guys!!

). If you can why not book a nice night away just the two of you

 

[dmbfan]

Date: 2/21/2007 3:50:18 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 2/21/2007 11:41:16 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Being romantic doesn''t mean not having a practical side and vice versa. And comparing couples who have different priorities isn''t really an accurate means of gauging whether or not their''s enough spark in your own relationship; one should be able to determine that on his or her own. My sister and her husband are not as good at living within their means as DH and I are (meaning they buy each other things they desire and take trips they can''t necessarily afford comfortably and sacrifice other, more practical things in doing so) than my husband and I. This doesn''t make them any less real a couple, they just have different priorities than we do. Neither one is better or more right and it doesn''t make my relationship with my husband or my sister''s relationship with her husband any more or less real. Just as savings accounts and owning a home don''t make a couple a ''real'' couple, it just means that two practical people have ended up together.


Relationships, all relationships, mean working to keep the spark alive. This doesn''t mean you have to run off to some fantastic place every weekend (but if you have the means to do so and take advantage of it, more power to you!). It means you do nice things for each other. Yesterday I got DH''s breakfast ready for him. Every morning he leaves the paper on the kitchen counter/bar for me to read while I eat. When we go to the store we buy each other cards, or little treats. Sometimes we suprise each other with plans to see a play or go to a movie. We go out on dates twice a week. These are not expensive things, they are just caring gestures between two people who love one another.


If you feel like something is missing, than work towards creating it. And if your guy is more practical and less romantic, recognize the little gesters he makes to make you happy. Things like making sure your car has gas or the oil''s been changed, or that he watches your favorite TV show with you, even if he thinks it''s stupid.

Everything you said I agree with there Kimberley. D and I go away alot but we also have a very practical side. We are also together nearly 8 years and although there have been times when there has been a bit of a lull in the relationship in terms of the spark dissapearing, I can safely say that 90% of the time we have a great time and its because of the effort that we put in. We both work extremely hard and Im usually in college from 9-5 and then work from 5.30-9.30, but we always make the effort with each other. If your friend is enjoying her relationship, fair play to her. I dont think that its fair to judge her too that she has been with her bf for four years and is not looking at buying a house together. There is no rush and I think they are better doing it in their own time rather than just as they''re together four years. If you feel that there is a bit of a lull in your relationship, I can say from experience, that it wont get better until you both put the effort in (and I can say from experience as D is one of the most unromantic guys!!

). If you can why not book a nice night away just the two of you

I always agree with what Kim has to say

I think I may just have to suscribe to her post....

Its definately the little things that you do for your partner. My GF tells me she need to wake up at 7:33am I call her at that exact time. I''m a walking clock and she loves it. When I leave in the morning I bring her cell phone and put it on the nightstand. I give her full out pedicures (dont tel my friends) and rub her back at least once a week. She does a bunch of things for me. We dont need much and we spoil each other with small things. Once you have figured out what your partner enjoys, it can be very simple to keep each other happy

 

[Mara]

kimberly and TG have given wise advise...as someone who has been married a few years now, i think the spark definitely changes...it''s never the same as in the beginning or the first few years etc. Greg and I have been together for 7 years now. You definitely have to work at it, but the new levels that you reach and grow into can be really fun. Of course sometimes we go ''awww remember when''...and think back to the beginning when everything was so new and wonderful and fabulous. Now it''s about daily grind/life/bills/household but we still love each other, we still go out and have fun together, we still always make time for each other and we put each other''s needs before ours many times as well. Above all we are still absolutely happy we found each other in the mad mad world, and write things to this effect in sappy holiday cards and seeing those words still makes our hearts sing. I don''t know if you really lose the spark as it might ebb and flow as time goes on. But it does take work, good luck!!

 

[maggiemai]

I do agree that it’s the smaller things in life that really count not the grand gestures. I think the problem is that as we are living apart now we no longer can do the small thoughtful things for each other that we used to when we were living together, and we are either too tired or broke to do the bigger things. I would never say that my relationship was better than my friends because we are sensible and more careful with how we spend our money. No two people are alike and thus no two relationships are alike. But it is funny that before I met my friend I was fine, both my BF and I know that things are not exactly as we would like them at the moment but at the end of all this saving and working we will have a beautiful house and its only a few more months away… as my BF says ‘anything worth having is not got easily’… Its just when I met my friend the other night, I was after working and 11 hr day (she had the week off ) I was tired and sat through 2 hours of fabulous plans… and I suppose I have to admit I was a little jealous.

 

[bee*]

I do know what you''re saying-as D isnt the most romantic, sometimes when I hear things Im like wow I wish I had had that too. It will get better though-how about even going for a nice walk together or just grabbing a hot chocolate. D and I dont live together yet either but nearly every night we''ll meet up for a while, if only to walk my doggie or something like that. It keeps us closer and I really like that time that we spend. Im after going back to college after working full time for a couple of years, so I can understand how the lack of money has an effect on the things you can do and plan.

 

[KimberlyH]

maggiemai,

I hope it won''t offend you if I make a few suggestions of small, easy things you can do to keep the spark flickering. Send him cards and letters in the mail, even if you see him on a regular basis. Bake him his favorite goodies/treats and leave them as a suprise for him. The next time you have time planned together set aside all things "business" for a while and do something fun. It could be as simple as taking a walk in a nearby park, or visiting a favorite outdoor spot, or a cup of coffee, or going for a hike, but just for a few hours set aside everything perfunctory part of your relationship and just get back to being a couple in love.

Just to clarify, I didn''t think that you were saying that your relationship was better than your friends because you were doing more practical things while she was jet setting with her guy. jg stated that your friend is " in an extreme situation and i''m sure there are things that you''re not aware of that aren''t so rosy" because of your description of her relationship and I don''t think that excusing away your friend''s relationship is a solution to your problem as you obviously feel that something is missing or you wouldn''t have posted in the first place. I think it''s great that it struck something in you and that you as a couple are committed to doing something about it, that''s what loving one another is all about! And that doesn''t mean you two should run off to the Bahama''s for a week if that''s just not the responsible thing for you guys to do, but making small changes to reignite your relationship is a great thing. My parents still do this after 31 years of marriage and they are the happiest, most loving couple I know. So don''t let your friend''s stories get you down, just remember you aren''t the same person and your priorities are very different as a result.

Good luck to you!

 

[JCJD]

"Sparks" can be relit. Relationships take work, just like fires need fuel. But slumps and feeling like your spark is gone are normal. As long as you''re aware and are both trying to find "fuel", you''ll be fine. The only problem with losing the spark is if you don''t try to get the fire blazing again.