Have another baby?

[amc80]

I have a brother who is three years older than I am. We have just started getting along in the past few years (I'm 31). We are very different people and have very little in common. But we've realized our mom is sort of crazy, so we have that in common.

I always laugh when people say they want another child in order to give their child a friend. My brother and I were not friends, ever. He was flat out mean to me. I remember one Christmas I asked for a new brother. My mom said "you want me to have another baby?" I said "no, I just want you to replace the brother I have." Having more than one kid does not guarantee they will be friends, or even like each other, for that matter.

Having said that, my fiance and I want 3-4 kids. He is an only child and always wishes he had siblings. His parents weren't the best parents, so he would have liked to have someone around. My brother is going through a divorce, and it dawned on us the other day- our children could have zero cousins. I mentioned this to a good friend (who has a 1 year old and another on the way) and she said that her kids could be our kids' cousins

 

[nfowife]

I think that you can go through the pros and cons, but in the end you need to listen to your heart. I knew I was going to have more than 1 for sure, we were pretty set at 2. After my 2nd I felt like I would like one more, and DH wasn't a big fan of that idea. I waited and we discussed it for a few years and I really came to the decision in my heart that I was not done. I wanted to have one more baby- I felt like something was missing from our family. DH, at that point, was fine either way, so he obliged me and we had our 3rd in December, a little girl. From the beginning of my pregnancy I felt "done" and had that peace in my heart that I knew I had done the right thing and felt complete. My baby is such a joy and I really feel like I try every day to enjoy each day, even though three kids isn't a walk in the park, because every time she does something new it is the last time I'll experience one of my babies doing that. I'm so happy that I decided to go for it so I don't have any regrets later in life.
I am on of 3 kids (the oldest) and am somewhat close to my sis and not super close to my brother. I am the oldest by 5 and 8 years so we are closer as adults than we were as kids because of the age difference, but we do communicate and love each other. Just don't live close by so that makes things a big hard. DH is one of 2 and is very close to his brother. I think that's determined more by personality than age difference.
So take your time, and do what feels right in your heart. Whether it's one kid or 4. No one can make the decision but you and your DH, not even a pro/con list .

 

[KatyWI]

My mother had several miscarriages after she had me, so my brother and I are 5.5 years apart and are my mom's only two, even though she had hoped to have a large family since she grew up in one (she's one of 7!)

I was the only kid/grandkid til he was born, so I had plenty of time getting used to being alone. Luckily, I also loved the idea of a baby and couldn't wait to change diapers. Once my brother was old enough to be a holy terror, we fought constantly. We were never in the same school, and had basically nothing in common since we were of the opposite sex so many years apart. I moved out for college when he was only 12 years old.

Strangely, we are pretty close now! The older my brother got, the more we could share about our adult lives. Now that we live halfway across the country from each other, we don't get to see each other very often but we probably talk weekly and always say "I love you" when we hang up the phone. I told my mother recently that I really never thought we would be close, but I am so, so glad that we are. I hope that I can move back to New England some time in the not-too distant future. I think my brother might marry his current girlfriend in a year or two, and I would love, love, love to have close family nearby and to eventually have all the kids running around together.

So... I dunno, I've never for a second considered only having one kid. DH is on board for at least two, though we'll re-evaluate once we have one, and again after number two. You never know where life takes you!

 

[Allison D.]

I'm one of two, and my brother and I don't have a good relationship. We basically don't talk. Given the choice, I'd rather have been an only child.

I share Jstar's sentiment. I felt reasonably close to my sister growing up, but there is no relationship as adults. We don't speak, and i can guarantee that I will solely handle my parents' needs as they age.

Like Jstar, given the choice, I'd rather have been an only child.

 

[Peepa]

I'm one of two, and my brother and I don't have a good relationship. We basically don't talk. Given the choice, I'd rather have been an only child.

I share Jstar's sentiment. I felt reasonably close to my sister growing up, but there is no relationship as adults. We don't speak, and i can guarantee that I will solely handle my parents' needs as they age.

Like Jstar, given the choice, I'd rather have been an only child.

Interesting...
I think I'd be happy either way. Having one or two.
But I say that now, and I don't want to regret not having another in 10 years and I'm already in my 30's.
There's a lot to think about.

 

[Jennifer W]

I am an only child and never felt the lack of a sibling. I don't feel much obligation to my parents, for a variety of reasons, and won't be a carer for them at any point, so that isn't an issue for me personally. I never really wanted a sibling and disliked having cousins stay / staying with them (every freaking summer). They're fantastic people and I love them dearly as an adult, I just didn't like being a child in a big family like that. It was a little too much one size fits all for my taste. There were four of us, all fairly close in age.

I'm not having a second child, I just plain don't want one. As much as I enjoyed being pregnant and adored having a newborn, it was a one-time deal. Our lives are really nice and our daughter will have all she wants and needs. It would be great if she had a sibling she adored, but the chances of that happening are at best, 50/50. She might have one she hated. I love her, I love how happy she is, how confident and secure she has become. I wouldn't want to mess with that or change the dynamic.

DH is one of three and not keen on siblings generally either.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Diamondseeker - I am so sorry about your friends. Is there any hope? Thinking good thoughts for them all - this would be my worst nightmare.

Thanks, Pandora. I heard from the grandmother day before yesterday and she said there are minimal brain waves and the pupils have been dilated for several days but the young mother cannot let him go. She still hopes for a miracle. Apparently the doctors are being very compassionate and giving her the time to accept it. They will do another brain scan Monday and I imagine they will get the recommendation that it is time to take him off life support. It is very sad indeed. Thanks for asking.

 

[FrekeChild]

I am basically an only child. My parents were 38 and 45 when I was adopted. My dad already had 3 sons from his first marriage. The oldest died when I was two. My two brothers are about 18 and 20 years older than I am, and were across the country while I was growing up. So while I "supposedly" have two brothers, I grew up as an only child.

I didn't mind. I really learned to entertain myself and I had a very active imagination. Luckily I also had a neighborhood of boys and girls around my age. What bothered me was having older parents. My mom was a SAHM and my dad was a workaholic, but by the time I was ten, they were 55 and 48. Which are not ages where they are really wanting to run around and play basketball or anything super active.

My husband had a very similar experience. He was a surprise when his sister was 13 years old, and she left the house when he was 5, so he didn't really get the experience of having a sibling either. He also had older parents, although they weren't as old as mine.

My brother and his wife have 5 kids--19, 17, 14, 6 and 1. Yes, there are 18 years difference between the oldest and youngest. And yes, I was an aunt at 10. The younger two were "accidents", and (this is kind of awful to say, however true it may be) from the outside looking in, you can tell. The oldest 3 siblings have raised the younger two, because my brother and his wife are now older and not as interested. So the 6 year old is a wild banshee and I'm guessing that the youngest one will be as well. When the youngest is ten, my brother will be 58. I imagine their feelings about children/siblings etc will vary wildy from mine, as well as varying wildly from each others!

I figure we'll have this biological child, and then we'll see what happens. I know that if we decide to have another, s/he will be adopted. My life would have been very different if I wasn't adopted. Actually, I probably have at least one half sibling out there somewhere...

 

[swingirl]

I believe it is the parents' responsibility to raise their children to appreciate and respect each other. Of course, siblings are not going to be best friends and that shouldn't be the aim. When I hear about siblings not getting along it usually stems from rivalry, bad parenting, favoritism, and preferential treatment.

There are ways to make everyone in a family get along and appreciate the differences of each other, so you don't have to like a sibling with a very different personality. But you can respect them and appreciate them as someone who shared experiences with you growing up. It's up to the parents to see those experiences are positive and healthy.

 

[Pandora II]

I believe it is the parents' responsibility to raise their children to appreciate and respect each other. Of course, siblings are not going to be best friends and that shouldn't be the aim. When I hear about siblings not getting along it usually stems from rivalry, bad parenting, favoritism, and preferential treatment.

There are ways to make everyone in a family get along and appreciate the differences of each other, so you don't have to like a sibling with a very different personality. But you can respect them and appreciate them as someone who shared experiences with you growing up. It's up to the parents to see those experiences are positive and healthy.

I'd be really interested to hear them.

 

[somethingshiny]

Totally agree with swingirl. My sibs and I have excruciatingly different personalities, but we all love one another and get along with one another. My parents always told us, your sib will always be there, more than any other person, your sib will have your back. They were right. Nobody understands your life like your siblings.

Although my dad favored my brother and baby sis, and my mom has always favored the middle sis, I don't resent my sibs for that. It wasn't their choice to have the preferential treatment, it's just what happened. I think I'd get along better with my parents if there hadn't been so much favortism.

 

[Lanie]

Totally agree with swingirl.

 

[Pandora II]

Totally agree with swingirl. My sibs and I have excruciatingly different personalities, but we all love one another and get along with one another. My parents always told us, your sib will always be there, more than any other person, your sib will have your back. They were right. Nobody understands your life like your siblings.

Although my dad favored my brother and baby sis, and my mom has always favored the middle sis, I don't resent my sibs for that. It wasn't their choice to have the preferential treatment, it's just what happened. I think I'd get along better with my parents if there hadn't been so much favortism.

But what if you don't feel that way? I put my own family way, way above any of my siblings. I can't say that I would get on a plane if my sister had a problem because I'm 99.9% certain I wouldn't - she probably wouldn't want me to either. I can easily go a couple of years without speaking to her - not deliberately, just because we have no reason to speak.

There wasn't anything I can think of in terms of favouritism etc, we just have very different personalities and wound each other up like crazy. We both went to boarding school and it didn't improve there either so can't really blame my parents.

 

[Jennifer W]

I don't have a sibling, or more than one child, so no real experience of this, but I would say that putting it all down to parenting does sound a little disingenuous. My parents certainly raised me with their values, priorities and opinions, but I'm a grown-up. I have my own opinions on what's important. I don't share all of their values. That's about my experiences as an adult, nothing to do with their parenting.

 

[blacksand]

I believe it is the parents' responsibility to raise their children to appreciate and respect each other. Of course, siblings are not going to be best friends and that shouldn't be the aim. When I hear about siblings not getting along it usually stems from rivalry, bad parenting, favoritism, and preferential treatment.

Exactly. This is what I was trying to say in my post, but I didn't want to obliquely criticize the way anyone else was raised, so I was rather vague about it. But I agree. I get along with my brother because my parents taught me to get along we my brother. They taught us to value our relationship as siblings. Not getting along wasn't tolerated, period. They taught us to respect and value our differences and work together to get through rough patches. Seriously, if my brother and I were strangers running into to each other on the street, I don't know if we'd become friends. Probably not. But we're siblings, and we're together for life, in one way or another. We'll always be there for each other, and I'm so happy for that. So I don't think it's true at all that there's only a 50% chance your children will get along with each other. I believe they'll get along if you teach them to get along. In any case, I certainly wouldn't use the fear of them not getting along as motivation for your decision to have another child or not.

 

[somethingshiny]

Pandora~ I put my own family (meaning my DH and children) above my sibs of course. I an go weeks without talking to my brother and he only lives about 15 miles away. I talk to my sisters frequently. I know I can always count on them regardless of the time spent together or on the phone. At the point you are in your life, I don't know that there is any repair possible or necessary. Certainly if you're happy you don't have anything to worry about. My parents screwed up a lot of things but the way they were regarding the siblings aspect, I'll do my best to repeat it with my children.

 

[Pandora II]

I think we've arrived at a system of maintaining a positive civility and it's best keeping it that way - in depth conversations on anything tend to involve rows as she takes things very personally whereas I can avoid taking things as a personal attack on me. Now that she has moved to the other side of the world I don't see any reason to seek to achieve anything more.

When I asked how parents can make siblings get on I really was honestly interested in what was done to make this happen.

Perhaps it's because I have a kid who even at 2 very much has her own mind and can be stubborn as a mule if she doesn't want to do something. Luckily she's still at the age where I can physically make her get dressed/go in the direction I want her to, but for example she doesn't really eat (it's much better than it used to be but still sparrow-like) and you cannot force a child who doesn't want to eat to do so. I can't imagine that her basic personality is going to change down the line and I can see the teenage years being quite a battle of wills. Hence I'm always interested in any techniques used by parents to get kids to do things they may not wish to voluntarily!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am an only child, so what do I know really but I vividly recall my best friend and downstairs neighbour being beaten up by her brother daily. I could hear her screams and calls for help in my room upstairs, and I know her mom must have heard it too. But she never intervened. Needless to say she and he brother are not close now at all. So I can't help but think here is something to the notion that parents play a role in sibling relationshps.

 

[somethingshiny]

Pandora~ I don't think it's so much forcing the kids to get along as it is forcing them to respect each other. I would never in a million years pick my sister as a friend. She has many characteristics that I can't stand and would never choose to surround myself with. However, because I have some respect for her, and I love her, we can be friends.

My parents used to force my brother and I to sit together with our arms around each other saying "I love you." That is forcing the love and it didn't work at all. lol We would punch each other sooner than look at one another. But, as we got older, the respect that was built into us became the basis of friendship.

 

[chemgirl]

We don't have kids yet, but we're planning on only having one. We're looking at buying our forever home, and we're counting bedrooms and thinking of where to fit kids. We're leaning towards one due to the financial burden of having a larger house (we run a home business so that takes up a lot of space) and we live far away from our parents so we won't have anyone to babysit or help us out. On top of that we just don't have a lot of time with our work. We barely have time to ourselves without children, I'm scared about how it will be after having kids. I don't think we have the time to devote to two or more individual people. We also want to be able to provide our future child with as many opportunities as possible (ie travel, summer camp, education) and I can't see us being able to do that with more than one kid.

Dh and I each have one sibling. We see each other when we're in the same town, but we live so far apart that it rarely happens. My sister and I both live very far from our parents so caring for them would be difficult (they are very rural, our jobs wouldn't allow us to live near them). I don't feel obligated to care for them when they are older because they have a solid plan in place. They are in their late fifties/early sixties, but they already have retirement communities and care facilities lined up for when they need them (they have savings in place to go to very highly regarded facilities so that gives me peace of mind). They have stressed that they don't want me or my sister dealing with it (other than giving them the push they need to go). I plan on doing the same for my child so they don't feel burdened by me.

Part of me does think that having two would be great so they can have that bond so I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens in the next few years.

 

[willamsky]

I am an only child and suspect my experience has been similar to NEL's husband's experience.

 

[KimberlyH]

I have a daughter and we hope to have another child. My primary reason for wanting another child is that I absolutely love being a parent. I hope that if we are able to have another our children get along, but I don't expect it as, obviously, not all siblings have good relationships.

 

[janlwf]

I grew up in a family with three girls, my hubby with two boys and two girls. I really get along well with my siblings, although the age difference is unusual 6 years between me and my oldest sister and 4 years between me and my youngest. Hubby gets along well with his brother but doesn't get along well with his sisters and especially the "baby" of the family. We knew we would be having two children and were only worried about the "perfect" timing since we both had different experiences (2 years apart vs 6 and 4 for me)At the end of the day, I'm not sure what the real answer is only that the book "Siblings without rivalry" was really, really helpful.

My children are 3.5 years apart and currently 22 and just 19. While my son is a bit of a late bloomer..both kids are now in university, sharing a car! and have got camping together with mutual friends several times. They are genuinely friends and my hubby and I consider are job VERY well done....

I would however, very carefully consider financials... Two in university at the same time...ouch