Guys in waiting

[Independent Gal]

So, I posted a while back about getting myself a ring I loved, to celebrate my independence after having decided NOT to get engaged to my sweet, but ultimately unmarry-able long time beau (it''s kinda like my ''(hurray-for-no) Engagement Ring''). Within a couple of weeks of my split, two of my male friends started expressing serious interest in me. One of them works across the hall, so that''s a no no. But the other is really handsome and good hearted and entertaining, and I''m kind of interested. The thing is, I am SO NOT READY to be doing anything other than dating at the moment. I''m really loving being single. So we''ve been going out together, but I won''t let it get serious, and keep telling him I need some time before I get saddled with a new boyfriend. But the poor boy has apparently been smitten since we met a couple of years ago, and says things like ''you''d make such a wonderful mother'', and that kind of thing.

The funny thing is, he keeps saying EXACTLY the same sort of things that you ladies do about the waiting. What''s holding me up from committing to be his girl? Is it him? Can he have a timeline? And I keep saying the same kinds of things you say your guys do: I''m just not ready. It''s not the right time. And yet, I won''t stop going out on dates with him either. Because I am interested (I think). Just not yet.

I''ve been very open and honest with him, but am I being terrible to this poor man? I mean, I know how much you ladies suffer. And of course it''s not quite the same because we''ve only known each other a couple of years and have only been dating for a few weeks (not like living together for years and awaiting a proposal). But the theory seems the same. Should a gal just decide to either let the guy go free or take the plunge? I feel like I''m determining the timeline, just like guys do with proposals, and it seems, in a way, just as unfair.

Any advice?

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, just to clarify, the ring I got myself is a RIGHT HAND RING! I didn''t get myself an actual engagement ring of course!

 

[poptart]

As long as you are sure that he understands that as of now you are JUST DATING, I don''t see any problem. I think that many times in a relationship one person feels ready to "take the plunge" before their partner, and you just have to wait a bit until the other person catches up. There is no point in letting someone you like go just because you aren''t sure yet. It''s only been a few weeks of dating, afterall, so it might be too early to make a decision. I say, enjoy your time with him, enjoy your time when you''re not with him, and see where life takes you. Just make sure he understands your need to NOT be serious right now. I say, don''t turn down a chance to be even happier than you already are.

*M*

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Poptart. I guess you''re right. It''s just hard knowing that you''re making someone unhappy that you think you could grow to really care for. But I guess dropping the whole possibility would make him pretty unhappy too!

I wonder how long I can keep this up though with him wanting to see me every day and me wanting to enjoy being free of that kind of responsibility. I feel like I might need a couple of months. He''d HATE that! Is it ok to rush yourself a little for the sake of someone else''s feelings? Or does that result in disaster for both parties? I''m not experienced in this kind of situation at all. And my friends all tend to just JUMP IN with both feet. So they''re no help.

 

[poptart]

Rushing = Disaster (usually). If he really cares for you as much as it sounds like he does, I bet he will understand if you tell him that it needs to stay casual right now. Just make sure that you communicate this with him so that he understands that it is YOU that needs more time and is not a reflection on him. In fact, you could tell him that you really think there is potential together, and you don''t want to mess it all up by jumping in to something without giving it a chance to settle in. Take it slow and enjoy the ride!

*M*

 

[firebirdgold]

I don''t know... saying you''d make a wonderful mother in under a month of dating would make me want to run away.

 

[allycat0303]

Indie,

I''m with you on the wonderful mother thing.... but then I don''t have a maternal bone in my body. I guess it depends on what kind of gal the comment is addressed to.

 

[poptart]

Date: 11/30/2006 6:34:18 PM
Author: IndieJones
I don''t know... saying you''d make a wonderful mother in under a month of dating would make me want to run away.

He probably thought it was a flattering comment. My now DH used to say that to me in HS and it never bothered me. It wasn''t like he was telling me he wanted me to have his kids right now or even at all. It''s just a nice comment. Then again, I''m the type of person that can''t imagine life without having one or two kids, so I think it is a sweet comment.

*M*

 

[galeteia]

Well, if he has known her for years, and has been waiting in the wings all this time, I suppose it''s not all that shocking that he would wistfully comment on her potential motherhood... of course, if that were me, there would be a me-shaped hole through the wall beside the door.

But like Ally, I seem to be missing the mommy gene.

Don''t rush. If he waited this long, and if you''re worth it to him, he can wait longer. I''d rather have someone who really wanted to be with me than someone who I pushed into commitment.

 

[Independent Gal]

I totally get why you''d run the other way, Indie and Allycat. "We''ve barely kissed, buddy, I''m not having your kids just yet!" He''s really intense and romantic in general, while I''m more like Little Miss "Let''s think everything through and consider all the ramifications". Which is one thing I''m kinda worried about.

But to give him the benefit of the doubt, I''m pretty sure, however it sounded, that he MEANT the ''wonderful mom'' thing to be more of a general compliment, like Poptart''s DH. He and I have known each other for a while, even though we just started dating, and he knows having kids is important to me.

Allycat: whatever happened with the guy who was pursuing you after you broke up? Did anything come of that? I think I lost that thread.

 

[allycat0303]

IndependentGal: J is fine. I haven''t had much time for him since the end of term madness set in 2.5 weeks ago. I think I''m going to let it go though, because he''s putting a *tiny* bit too much pressure on me at this moment. I have to be honest that I''m probably not making that much of an effort because I''m not that intrested. Honestly though, I think that *maybe* this is immature... but he''s too intrested in me. Who knows, maybe I need a little challenge.

In any case, I think the guy did mean the mommy thing as a compliment. But I get the too intense, romantic bit. Sometimes it makes you feel less ready for commitement. At least it did for me

 

[Independent Gal]

Allycat, I think your response just made me realize that I''m basically not THAT interested either. I think we are in very similar situations, except that it sounds like you''re much better at saying ''no''. I''ve now MISSED a deadline, and am trying to work frantically, but M (let''s call him) wants to be around me all the time. And when I say ''look, I really need space, I can''t concentrate on my work'' I feel terrible. He makes a big show of how he totally understands, but I''m sure he''s a little hurt. And he''s probably right to be. I think that if I were that interested in him, I would WANT to spend lots more time with him, and I''d find a way of getting my work done anyway. It''s definitely too soon, and I definitely feel like I need to be on my own for a while but I think this is part of it too. As it is, I find I sometimes resent his persistence. That''s not a healthy way to start a relationship!

Do you think your lack of interest in J is partly because you''re not ready? It''s weird being with someone new after you''re so used to someone else.

 

[galeteia]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in on what you asked Ally, but I figure my experience is relevant...

Before meeting FF, I was in a terrible, unhealthy relationship that was eroding my self-esteem and well-being, but not because the man in question was being a jerk, just that I was trapped in a relationship that wasn't working for me and I didn't feel I could leave. Now, that may sound strange coming from my fiercely independent self, but by the time I had given up on 'making it work' he had just lost his job. I couldn't bear to add the blow of losing his girlfriend on top of that, and the next thing I knew, we were in holiday season. Every year on my birthday I remember the boyfriend who dumped me on my 15th birthday. I've forgotten the others, but I remember that break up well... thus I didn't want him to be reminded every holiday, too.

So by the time the holidays were ended, I was desperate to be single. I've always liked being single. Not only that, but thanks in part to the relationship issues and in part to the side-effects of my BC, I was repelled by the thought of having anyone touch me ever again, whether it was a hug from a friend or being intimate with someone. I could not imagine being in a relationship for a long, long time. I flinched when people accidentally brushed against me. I was past 'devoid of romantic/sexual feelings' into negative integers! I had a thesis to finish. I needed to be free to focus on what I wanted, and was very determined to be single and take back my life. I craved being single!

I met FF on the last day of the holidays, while I was counting down the minutes until I could break up with my ex. I never date after a breakup; I have a firm 3-month rule that I stick to that prevents rebounding. I have strong opinions about rebounding, although after a breakup I am usually disgusted with men in general and have no interest in them. I broke a lot of my rules to be with FF, and I did so happily. Even though it was the wrong time, the right man made timing irrelevant. Not only that, but we moved mountains (and continue to move them, regularly!) to be together.

So I think your instincts on your willingness to 'make time' for him if you were really interested in him are dead-on.