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Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offending?

Lula

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I'm baffled. I know that many men come to Pricescope to become educated on how to buy a decent diamond; in fact, many of them have obviously spent a lot of time reading up on cut parameters, color and clarity, buying online vs. locally, etc.

So why, when it comes to setting the diamond they worked so hard to find, do they not do the same amount of research on choosing the setting? Why do they seem to gravitate toward unwieldy, chunky settings? And it's not just that they are choosing the cheapest thing out there; many of these settings cost more than some of the nicer brands. They post the link to whatever setting they are considering and then typically -- not always, but most of the time -- ignore posters' suggestions that the ring may be uncomfortable, dated, pricy for the quality, too chunky for a woman's hand, diamond set too high, diamond set in unattractive peg head -- whatever.

I'm not talking about the settings that the woman has chosen, and the guy is just trying to execute on her behalf. I'm talking about rings for surprise engagements.

Honestly, I just cringe sometimes when I see some of the designs they choose.

Is it rude to just come out and say, dude that's bu** ugly? Friends don't let friends buy ugly settings? I try to be polite, but maybe it's better to just be more direct...
 

AmeliaG

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Hmm, I'm not surprised a lot of guys don't spend much time thinking about the setting. The current e-ring marketing talk doesn't really encourage them too - anywhere they go, they're likely to hear, 'Put most of the money in the diamond and get a temp setting if need be'. I've seen that advice here too.

Most people here strongly discourage suprise engagement rings so if a guy is determined to go through with the surprise after hearing all that and doesn't want to get a simple Tiffany-prong setting, I don't know much of what people can tell him, Maybe to lower his expectations and not get upset if the girl wants to exchange it; maybe tell him to buy from a place that allows returns/exchanges just in case.

There are diplomatic ways to say that - tell him to allow for the possibility that the ring may not be comfortable or not look as good on her hand as he thinks it will and tell him to do both of them a favor and get the ring from a place where he can do exchanges.
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

hahhaa!

I have seen a lot of posts where the men do listen. The ones who don't want to listen... meh, some people just *want* to be offended!
 

AmeliaG

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

I'm not saying offend them! People can take or leave the advice they get here. It does get interesting when they choose to stay after they've refused the initial advice.
 

iheartscience

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

I've noticed that too! I don't spend as much time in RockyTalky as I used to, but when I did they all did it.

I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer. Well guess what? They aren't going to be wearing it! Although I would wager that most men who insist on surprise rings are more worried about their own preferences than the preferences of their future wives.
 

AmeliaG

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

thing2of2|1310767127|2969965 said:
I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer.
Yikes! Steer them to a place with a good return policy! Your only hope1
 

iheartscience

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

AmeliaG|1310767504|2969972 said:
thing2of2|1310767127|2969965 said:
I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer.
Yikes! Steer them to a place with a good return policy! Your only hope1
Ha, I know, right?!

But I bet most of the time their fiancees don't want to hurt their feelings so they end up keeping the ring! A friend of mine hated her ring and never told her husband. It always blew my mind!

If my husband proposed to me with a ring I didn't like, I would have asked to exchange it immediately! I'm too honest for my own good sometimes! :cheeky:
 

Laila619

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Well, everyone has different taste. What's ugly to you is not ugly to them. Personally, I like diamonds set high. When a setting is low, it looks squatty and the diamond appears smaller IMO.
 

jaysonsmom

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

I think I know the exact ring and the exact guy you're talking about....but I'll keep that to myself. I often try to steer guys who are planning surprise proposals to simple solitaire temp settings, unless they know the exact setting from a specific designer. I know that for MYSELF, I have very specific ideas of the style I want. A close interpretation of what I want still may not meet my expectations. So, all said an done, a simple (inexpensive) would be what I'd advise.
 

maplefemme

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

thing2of2|1310767127|2969965 said:
I've noticed that too! I don't spend as much time in RockyTalky as I used to, but when I did they all did it.

I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer. Well guess what? They aren't going to be wearing it! Although I would wager that most men who insist on surprise rings are more worried about their own preferences than the preferences of their future wives.
I think you hit the nail on the head, some guys pick what "their" preferences are. My SO was very focused on very sturdy, strong, substantial settings. It was about function and safety, I had to point out and assure him that a more delicate setting (by comparison) was just as secure and sturdy, especially being hand wrought. After all, I'm not hard on my rings and I won't be wearing it to work either.
To be fair though, most guys aren't into jewelry, especially women's.
They need a little guidance ;))
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

AmeliaG|1310763824|2969921 said:
Hmm, I'm not surprised a lot of guys don't spend much time thinking about the setting. The current e-ring marketing talk doesn't really encourage them too - anywhere they go, they're likely to hear, Put most of the money in the diamond and get a temp setting if need be'. I've seen that advice here too. Yes, I've seen this advice, and I've given this advice, too, when the guy has a smaller budget and doesn't really know for sure what his gf's tastes are or even what her ring size is :rolleyes: or in the case of him thinking about spending big bucks on a custom-setting without her input

Most people here strongly discourage suprise engagement rings so if a guy is determined to go through with the surprise after hearing all that and doesn't want to get a simple Tiffany-prong setting, I don't know much of what people can tell him, Maybe to lower his expectations and not get upset if the girl wants to exchange it; maybe tell him to buy from a place that allows returns/exchanges just in case.Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head here -- it's the high expectations that really seem to be at work. I think it's sweet that guys want to make the proposal special and "blow her away" with the ring, but in doing that, they forget that the ring is not just a symbol of his love and devotion for her, but also a piece of jewelry that a woman wears every day, so it needs to fit with both her tastes and lifestyle and not just represent his tastes and expectations. It's definitely a balancing act.

There are diplomatic ways to say that - tell him to allow for the possibility that the ring may not be comfortable or not look as good on her hand as he thinks it will and tell him to do both of them a favor and get the ring from a place where he can do exchanges.
 

Dancing Fire

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Lula|1310757977|2969860 said:
Honestly, I just cringe sometimes when I see some of the designs they choose.

Is it rude to just come out and say, dude that's bu** ugly? Friends don't let friends buy ugly settings? I try to be polite, but maybe it's better to just be more direct...
i've never comment on settings,cuz there're no wrong type of setting. i like the simple and cheap settings.i'd prefer to spent most of my budget towards the stone.
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Dreamer_D|1310765381|2969940 said:
hahhaa!

I have seen a lot of posts where the men do listen. The ones who don't want to listen... meh, some people just *want* to be offended!
Yeah, I agree with you there, Dreamer, but I see that more often when we tell some guy the diamond (and setting) he just bought at [fill in the blank] should be returned pronto! Those threads really make me wonder what exactly they are looking for when they post here -- validation? And then when the validation doesn't come, they get offended?
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

AmeliaG|1310766590|2969957 said:
I'm not saying offend them! People can take or leave the advice they get here. It does get interesting when they choose to stay after they've refused the initial advice.
Ha-ha -- yes, the threads do take very interesting turns after they refuse the advice (or argue with the advice!).
 

Lula

Ideal_Rock
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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

thing2of2|1310767127|2969965 said:
I've noticed that too! I don't spend as much time in RockyTalky as I used to, but when I did they all did it.

I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer. Well guess what? They aren't going to be wearing it! Although I would wager that most men who insist on surprise rings are more worried about their own preferences than the preferences of their future wives.
So very true, Thing. And this is what's frustrating to me -- yes, it's a symbol of your love, but it should also reflect the woman she is, which includes considering her style and preferences.
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
24,364
Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Lula|1310770676|2970013 said:
Dreamer_D|1310765381|2969940 said:
hahhaa!

I have seen a lot of posts where the men do listen. The ones who don't want to listen... meh, some people just *want* to be offended!
Yeah, I agree with you there, Dreamer, but I see that more often when we tell some guy the diamond (and setting) he just bought at [fill in the blank] should be returned pronto! Those threads really make me wonder what exactly they are looking for when they post here -- validation? And then when the validation doesn't come, they get offended?
It has to be validation. I can't think of another good reason! I think they want kudos for doing it on their own and they want to brag. The funny thing is when they say they have lurked on PS for months and learned so much... now what do you think of my EGL steep deep everyone! What? It sucks?? Now I am sick to my stomach!! (purposeful exaggeration -- not referencing any thread in particular peeps!)
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

AmeliaG|1310767504|2969972 said:
thing2of2|1310767127|2969965 said:
I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer.
Yikes! Steer them to a place with a good return policy! Your only hope1
Yes, I agree, but the type of guy who shops like this would probably be offended if we suggested this, and would likely be offended if his gf wanted to return the ring! We've seen those threads...
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

thing2of2|1310768045|2969978 said:
AmeliaG|1310767504|2969972 said:
thing2of2|1310767127|2969965 said:
I think that in general, men tend to be attracted to chunkier settings (the tension settings that are as wide as the diamond come to mind) because that's what they personally prefer.
Yikes! Steer them to a place with a good return policy! Your only hope1
Ha, I know, right?!

But I bet most of the time their fiancees don't want to hurt their feelings so they end up keeping the ring! A friend of mine hated her ring and never told her husband. It always blew my mind!

If my husband proposed to me with a ring I didn't like, I would have asked to exchange it immediately! I'm too honest for my own good sometimes! :cheeky:
I always think this is such a sad way to start a marriage. But I suspect that there are a lot more women in this situation than we know, given the ongoing popularity of surprise proposals. By surprise proposals, I mean where the guy does not involve his gf at all, not even asking her friends or family what she might like for a ring.
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Laila619|1310768115|2969980 said:
Well, everyone has different taste. What's ugly to you is not ugly to them. Personally, I like diamonds set high. When a setting is low, it looks squatty and the diamond appears smaller IMO.
Yes, and I like tension settings, which most women find unattractive. But I would never suggest to a guy that he propose with a tension-set ring unless he knew for sure that that's what his gf wanted.

Tastes do differ, and there was a recent thread where a poster was spending a lot of money to duplicate a setting that his gf loved, and the setting was not something I would have recommended or chosen for myself, but once he said that his gf had seen the ring and loved it, I was okay with it. But what makes me cringe is when the guys seem to have no clue about their gf's personal taste (or a very vague idea of it) and then refuse to take suggestions and/or refuse to involve their gf's.
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

jaysonsmom|1310768479|2969983 said:
I think I know the exact ring and the exact guy you're talking about....but I'll keep that to myself. I often try to steer guys who are planning surprise proposals to simple solitaire temp settings, unless they know the exact setting from a specific designer. I know that for MYSELF, I have very specific ideas of the style I want. A close interpretation of what I want still may not meet my expectations. So, all said an done, a simple (inexpensive) would be what I'd advise.
Yes, I think it's wise not to suggest close approximations to a specific setting, unless the guy has specifically said that his gf was just showing him photos to give him an idea of what she wanted. I think all of us know that there are always small, but often important, differences between the real thing and the inspired-by piece.

However, I do have to say that there have been a few situations where a guy has been looking at a specific setting from a chain store which is often overpriced for the quality, and the setting gurus here have helped him design or locate a much nicer version of the setting from a different vendor. I'm always so happy to see those threads because they guy is typically thrilled to get the help and the final version is much nicer than what he would have chosen originally.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Lula|1310771697|2970034 said:
Laila619|1310768115|2969980 said:
Well, everyone has different taste. What's ugly to you is not ugly to them. Personally, I like diamonds set high. When a setting is low, it looks squatty and the diamond appears smaller IMO.
Yes, and I like tension settings, which most women find unattractive. But I would never suggest to a guy that he propose with a tension-set ring unless he knew for sure that that's what his gf wanted.

Tastes do differ, and there was a recent thread where a poster was spending a lot of money to duplicate a setting that his gf loved, and the setting was not something I would have recommended or chosen for myself, but once he said that his gf had seen the ring and loved it, I was okay with it. But what makes me cringe is when the guys seem to have no clue about their gf's personal taste (or a very vague idea of it) and then refuse to take suggestions and/or refuse to involve their gf's.
Ditto! I also like tension settings, although not enough to get one for my e-ring! I don't think there's anything wrong with getting something outside of what's popular on PS, provided that's what the future fiancee actually wants.
 

slg47

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

lula...I agree. I usually try to point out features of the setting that i personally don't like (such as a non-integrated head) and then show an example of a different setting without being too pushy. I try to come off as 'educational' rather than 'this one is better' but it is tough.
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Dancing Fire|1310770555|2970010 said:
Lula|1310757977|2969860 said:
Honestly, I just cringe sometimes when I see some of the designs they choose.

Is it rude to just come out and say, dude that's bu** ugly? Friends don't let friends buy ugly settings? I try to be polite, but maybe it's better to just be more direct...
i've never comment on settings,cuz there're no wrong type of setting. i like the simple and cheap settings.i'd prefer to spent most of my budget towards the stone.
Yeah, if all the guys were as easy as you, DF, our work on RT would be a lot easier :cheeky:

Seriously, I do think it helps the poster to hear that other guys have been in the same dilemma and there's nothing wrong with proposing with a temp setting if there are budget constraints or if the guy is unsure about the type of setting his gf would like.
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Dreamer_D|1310771092|2970020 said:
Lula|1310770676|2970013 said:
Dreamer_D|1310765381|2969940 said:
hahhaa!

I have seen a lot of posts where the men do listen. The ones who don't want to listen... meh, some people just *want* to be offended!
Yeah, I agree with you there, Dreamer, but I see that more often when we tell some guy the diamond (and setting) he just bought at [fill in the blank] should be returned pronto! Those threads really make me wonder what exactly they are looking for when they post here -- validation? And then when the validation doesn't come, they get offended?
It has to be validation. I can't think of another good reason! I think they want kudos for doing it on their own and they want to brag. The funny thing is when they say they have lurked on PS for months and learned so much... now what do you think of my EGL steep deep everyone! What? It sucks?? Now I am sick to my stomach!! (purposeful exaggeration -- not referencing any thread in particular peeps!)
Yes, I think bragging rights are a huge part of this "syndrome"! And the guys who are able to lose that attitude (and submit to the women of PS, ha-ha) end up so much more sure of themselves and their purchase. So, win-win, right?
 

Dancing Fire

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Lula|1310772191|2970044 said:
Dancing Fire|1310770555|2970010 said:
Lula|1310757977|2969860 said:
Honestly, I just cringe sometimes when I see some of the designs they choose.

Is it rude to just come out and say, dude that's bu** ugly? Friends don't let friends buy ugly settings? I try to be polite, but maybe it's better to just be more direct...
i've never comment on settings,cuz there're no wrong type of setting. i like the simple and cheap settings.i'd prefer to spent most of my budget towards the stone.
Yeah, if all the guys were as easy as you, DF, our work on RT would be a lot easier :cheeky:

Seriously, I do think it helps the poster to hear that other guys have been in the same dilemma and there's nothing wrong with proposing with a temp setting if there are budget constraints or if the guy is unsure about the type of setting his gf would like.
i agree. IMO...the guy shouldn't try to be a hero and guess on the style she prefers.imagine spending $5k on a custom setting that she hates,then what??.. :rolleyes:
 

lyra

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

I don't think most women are as picky as the average PS'er. I wish my DH would have surprised me with an engagement ring, that would have been so romantic. :love: But being the people we were and still are, we discussed it and picked it out together, and I even listened (and still do!) to what his tastes were too. I think most posters here are told to have a return policy or find out what their GF likes at least. I also remember some who got advice against settings that were too "masculine". They do get gently led in other directions, but it's up to them in the end. ;))
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

thing2of2|1310772090|2970042 said:
Lula|1310771697|2970034 said:
Laila619|1310768115|2969980 said:
Well, everyone has different taste. What's ugly to you is not ugly to them. Personally, I like diamonds set high. When a setting is low, it looks squatty and the diamond appears smaller IMO.
Yes, and I like tension settings, which most women find unattractive. But I would never suggest to a guy that he propose with a tension-set ring unless he knew for sure that that's what his gf wanted.

Tastes do differ, and there was a recent thread where a poster was spending a lot of money to duplicate a setting that his gf loved, and the setting was not something I would have recommended or chosen for myself, but once he said that his gf had seen the ring and loved it, I was okay with it. But what makes me cringe is when the guys seem to have no clue about their gf's personal taste (or a very vague idea of it) and then refuse to take suggestions and/or refuse to involve their gf's.
Ditto! I also like tension settings, although not enough to get one for my e-ring! I don't think there's anything wrong with getting something outside of what's popular on PS, provided that's what the future fiancee actually wants.
This is the other side of the argument, i.e., making sure we don't impose our tastes (which are the tastes of jewelry nuts, not regular people, ha-ha) on posters who are unsure of which direction to go, whether it's the size, color, clarity, shape of a center stone, or the design of a setting. I do agree that there are prevailing PS trends, and that sometimes it seems we recommend the same thing over and over to posters, based on our preferences. I do think sometimes it's hard to get support on PS for designs that are outside the PS box, and I think it's great when PS'ers are honest and say, well, it's not my taste but if you are sure your gf would love this, we will help you make it happen.
 

Gypsy

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

I'm just fairly honest. If I don't like a setting I just say, "well, that's not my style" or "it's very unusual"... and list reasons why I don't care for it. Usually they have too much metal and are too bulky.

But the KEY is that I post other settings I DO like (as many as I can find to link to) that incorporate the details they want, but in a much nicer package. I go straight to: See this one, it's nicer for these reasons and maybe you want to consider something closer to this.

Inevitably someone else will come on, say ditto and pick one of the OTHER settings I've linked to. Once you get a few dittos, the guys start re-thinking their choices.

Unless the eyesore setting was chosen by the lady. We had one recently where the ring looked like a superbowl ring... but she had picked out the setting herself and loved it.
 

Lula

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Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

slg47|1310772161|2970043 said:
lula...I agree. I usually try to point out features of the setting that i personally don't like (such as a non-integrated head) and then show an example of a different setting without being too pushy. I try to come off as 'educational' rather than 'this one is better' but it is tough.
I agree, I think a lot of times the guy is just confused or unfamiliar with jewelry terms and styles, and spending time locating photos and asking questions about lifestyle, the way she dresses, other jewelry she owns, etc., does help the lightbulb come on. Hard to tell though, sometimes, whether it's just confusion on the part of the poster or validation-seeking. So I guess it's best to start out in an educational manner and then if they get offended, well, that's their issue. I do hate wasting time searching for photos, typing out long explanations, etc., and then have them say, "but my image of her is XXX and this setting that I've chosen fits my image"! Gaaaahhhhh!
 

Gypsy

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40,198
Re: Guys choosing settings -- how to advise without offendin

Lula|1310773755|2970079 said:
slg47|1310772161|2970043 said:
lula...I agree. I usually try to point out features of the setting that i personally don't like (such as a non-integrated head) and then show an example of a different setting without being too pushy. I try to come off as 'educational' rather than 'this one is better' but it is tough.
I agree, I think a lot of times the guy is just confused or unfamiliar with jewelry terms and styles, and spending time locating photos and asking questions about lifestyle, the way she dresses, other jewelry she owns, etc., does help the lightbulb come on. Hard to tell though, sometimes, whether it's just confusion on the part of the poster or validation-seeking. So I guess it's best to start out in an educational manner and then if they get offended, well, that's their issue. I do hate wasting time searching for photos, typing out long explanations, etc., and then have them say, "but my image of her is XXX and this setting that I've chosen fits my image"! Gaaaahhhhh!

Here's my way of handling it: See my post in this thread: [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/please-help-a-guy-me-out-with-your-opinion-on-this-setting.163264/#post-2970090#p2970090']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/please-help-a-guy-me-out-with-your-opinion-on-this-setting.163264/#post-2970090#p2970090[/URL]
 
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