Guys are Stupid and so is V-Day

[the other Jake]

In my planning my proposal, I left out one thing- Valentines Day. Basically (as some of you may know), I plan on proposing in the Dominican Republic in just over two weeks

. I''ve saved up for about two years, had the ring in my possession for almost 3 months now, been planning this trip forever.... and its been killing me. She has absolutely no idea and it will be a complete suprise, but that''s not why I''m posting.

As Valentines Day was approaching, she mentioned that I didn''t have to get her anything this year. Well I took that literrally and just got her a card (at least I did that). We had classes cancelled due to snow so we got to spend the whole day in. Well pretty much all day, she was a bit off kilter. By the end, she was really upset to the point of tears and had me really frustrated- so much so that I almost told her my plans! She said I never do anything romantic and that she was expecting me to do something little. We ended up going out to dinner, but she felt it was only because she made me and I really didn''t want to.

Her point of view- All her friends and everyone around her got something special and here is her b/f that supposedly loves her so much and he didn''t do anything. She does so much for me including paying for almost everything. Saving for the ring was a higher priority for me than eating out- she would rather pay if it means that or not going. She also is much better off financially than I am. I''ll admit I''m not the most romantic guy in the world and I think that her feelings are partly justified not seeing the whole picture. She''s an amazing girl and I know she will forget soon enough... but not for a couple days at least. I really hate seeing her feel so hurt, but she really has no idea how hard I''ve worked for her. Should I even try to ammend the situation or let the proposal (March 4) speak for itself?

PS- this whole ordeal has got me on a crusade against V-day. Here I am trying to do the most romantic thing I could think of two weeks from now, but my gf is all upset because some marketing people said that your significant other should do something for you on Valentines Day.

 

[anchor31]

My advice: Next time she tells you you don''t have to get her anything, don''t listen.

 

[sumbride]

Don''t change your plans!


I think she''s probably frustrated thinking it isn''t going to happen, but you really didn''t do anything wrong. She said "no gifts" and you got her a card. You followed her directions. You respected what she told you were her wishes. DON''T set yourself up to having to read her mind... if she wants a gift, she shouldn''t say "no gifts"!

it''s hard when everyone around gets something and you don''t, but eventually (in 2 weeks!) she''ll completely understand and that day will matter more to her than a million valentine''s days! And then you''ll have more important days to celebrate!

hang in there!

 

[RockDoc]

Hey Jake......

Chin up.... it will be forgotten once you are in DR.

I know how difficult the last couple of months has been, but I think she''ll be totally moved once she sees the incredible pet rock.

Then you can tell her of all the attention, care, and trouble you went to, in picking it out, making sure it was "perfect".

And if you visit here in the future, I''ll fill her in on just how attentive you were about this.

I know the next two weeks will be a stuggle, but you''ve made it this far, and all will be forgotten and forgiven soon.

Rockdoc

 

[Becky P]

DON''T give away your surprise! In 2 weeks, on March 4th, she''ll be the happiest girl in the world knowing that you planned and schemed to make the proposal a perfect story that she would want to tell for the rest of her life.

In the meantime, tell her lots of lovey-dovey things. You know, how you love her, how she''s the only girl in the world for you, that you couldn''t imagine your life with anyone else, etc. etc. etc. I''m sure she''s going through what every LIW goes through... although we know you boys love us, we get insecure and feel so vulnerable and out of control. Basically, do what you can to help her feel secure in the fact that you love her. You can do it!

And, when you get back from the trip, ya better come tell us the whole story and how it went!!! Good luck!

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others! Don''t change your plans! Never listen to a girl either if she says dont get her anything!!

. Seriously though, she will be so happy in 2 weeks that she wont remember what happened yesterday!

 

[firebirdgold]

I have the distinct feeling that ''no gifts'' actually translated into ''I want an e-ring but I don''t want to pressure him''.

Also (!Get) != (!Do).

A future suggestion for a romantic gesture: Make red or pink construction paper hearts, write little messages or I love you on them, and then leave them hidden all around the house/apartment.


My fi says that Valentines day was solely invented to get men into trouble!

Don''t worry, your proposal will speak for itself.

Besides, everyone needs to learn at some point that their S.O isn''t a freaking mind reader. This is her fault too, so you might want to point out that you feel hurt too.

 

[TravelingGal]

Aw, hang in there Jake. Only two weeks to go.

And if it helps, I am not a big fan of Valentine''s day either (with the exception of food...I cook and we eat in). I swear it''s a holiday to tie everyone''s stomach in knots and to stress some folks out. TGuy and I do not exchange any gifts, but that is also because his birthday is the day after and I don''t think he should have to think about anything for ME so close to HIS birthday.

I didn''t have a boyfriend for many years but I always got flowers...from my brother! He always had a girlfriend so he bought flowers for her every year. He also bought flowers for my mom and me, which I thought was unnecessary but sweet. When I met TGuy and got engaged, my brother said "Phew! I don''t have to get you flowers anymore!" I had to laugh because I knew I''d never get flowers from TGuy and that would be the last time I ever saw flowers on vday. I still miss getting those flowers...not because I love flowers but I miss the sweet thoughtfulness my brother showed me all those years. Valentine''s day, if anything, is about sentiment, not about gifts and your girlfriend will know soon enough what your feelings and motives were.

 

[Nurseynurse]

She sounds like me when I was a lady in waiting. I was to the point of kicking out my boyfriend (now FI) because I thought he was never going to propose and I should just move on. Don''t take it personally. I think she is just emtotional due to the situation NOT because of you. Please stick to your romantic proposal plan. Just "try" to make up for Valentine''s day and reassure her that the big question is almost here.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 2/15/2007 1:42:58 PM
Author: sumbride
Don''t change your plans!


I think she''s probably frustrated thinking it isn''t going to happen, but you really didn''t do anything wrong. She said ''no gifts'' and you got her a card. You followed her directions. You respected what she told you were her wishes. DON''T set yourself up to having to read her mind... if she wants a gift, she shouldn''t say ''no gifts''!

it''s hard when everyone around gets something and you don''t, but eventually (in 2 weeks!) she''ll completely understand and that day will matter more to her than a million valentine''s days! And then you''ll have more important days to celebrate!

hang in there!

Ditto!

 

[FireGoddess]

Definitely don''t change your plans, but be sure to tell her after the proposal is over that this has been in the works for awhile. She should know that this lovely surprise is not fueled by the Vday mishap. And definitely never listen when a girl says you don''t have to do anything. You might not have to do anything extravagant, but you always have to do something.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 2/15/2007 2:01:16 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Aw, hang in there Jake. Only two weeks to go.

And if it helps, I am not a big fan of Valentine''s day either (with the exception of food...I cook and we eat in). I swear it''s a holiday to tie everyone''s stomach in knots and to stress some folks out. TGuy and I do not exchange any gifts, but that is also because his birthday is the day after and I don''t think he should have to think about anything for ME so close to HIS birthday.

I didn''t have a boyfriend for many years but I always got flowers...from my brother! He always had a girlfriend so he bought flowers for her every year. He also bought flowers for my mom and me, which I thought was unnecessary but sweet. When I met TGuy and got engaged, my brother said ''Phew! I don''t have to get you flowers anymore!'' I had to laugh because I knew I''d never get flowers from TGuy and that would be the last time I ever saw flowers on vday. I still miss getting those flowers...not because I love flowers but I miss the sweet thoughtfulness my brother showed me all those years. Valentine''s day, if anything, is about sentiment, not about gifts and your girlfriend will know soon enough what your feelings and motives were.

Aww TG, that''s so sweet! Very thoughtful of your brother.

 

[ephemery1]

Poor Jake... don''t beat yourself up. Yes, she is disappointed... but now you know for next time!

In another post I mentioned that as we approached our first Valentine''s Day together (also our 1-year anniversary!) my fiance asked what I wanted to do and I replied that I didn''t know, because I''d never really celebrated V-day before. He took that to mean that I didn''t LIKE celebrating it, and ended up planning this huge elaborate night out in the city for his parents instead. I spent weeks watching him make dinner reservations, get tix to a show, decorate his apartment for them to stay in, buy fancy wine and chocolates... and it wasn''t until we were walking to CVS to get RIBBON to tie on the freaking bottle of wine that he said lightly, "so I guess we''ll stay at your apartment, ok? What do you want to do for dinner?"

I was LIVID... was it really not clear that I would have appreciated a fraction of that same time and effort put into OUR V-day??

But it wasn''t clear, to him... so I got over it. And now we''re a little more explicit about our plans ahead of time.

So I guess the moral of the story is, maybe guys are a little stupid sometimes (especially around V-day)... but so are girls... there, I admitted it!

 

[Shay37]

You know, this is just so wrong on so many levels.

My whole life all of my best friends were guys. They all had one thing in common with my DH and apparently Jake, THEY WERE NOT MIND READERS!!!!!!

Therefore, if you are an adult, say what you mean when you deal with your SO. It''s called communication. Do not say one thing, mean another, then get torqued when he/she didn''t get it. DUH!!! What did you expect?

If you are telling him or her one thing while expecting him or her to get the underlying message of "I don''t mean that. Do the polar opposite," and if he or she doesn''t get it, I am entitled to a fit of the sulks. Nope. Grow up. That does not work in my house ever. Not for either one of us.

If you need or want something from your SO, just say it. It doesn''t make what you have less special because you don''t necessarily connect in some synergistic transcendental metaphoric higher plane type of way. It makes what you have real and likely to last because it''s based on adult communication.

Shay is off her soapbox. Sorry, bad day for this post.

shay

P.S. I do not celebrate V-day just on the principle of it being a bogus made-up holiday meant to make money. My DH is even more opposed than me. However, if he were to give in and buy me something, I would clock him one. That''s another level.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 2/16/2007 9:44:39 AM
Author: Shay37
You know, this is just so wrong on so many levels.

My whole life all of my best friends were guys. They all had one thing in common with my DH and apparently Jake, THEY WERE NOT MIND READERS!!!!!!

Therefore, if you are an adult, say what you mean when you deal with your SO. It''s called communication. Do not say one thing, mean another, then get torqued when he/she didn''t get it. DUH!!! What did you expect?

If you are telling him or her one thing while expecting him or her to get the underlying message of ''I don''t mean that. Do the polar opposite,'' and if he or she doesn''t get it, I am entitled to a fit of the sulks. Nope. Grow up. That does not work in my house ever. Not for either one of us.

If you need or want something from your SO, just say it. It doesn''t make what you have less special because you don''t necessarily connect in some synergistic transcendental metaphoric higher plane type of way. It makes what you have real and likely to last because it''s based on adult communication.

Shay is off her soapbox. Sorry, bad day for this post.

shay

P.S. I do not celebrate V-day just on the principle of it being a bogus made-up holiday meant to make money. My DH is even more opposed than me. However, if he were to give in and buy me something, I would clock him one. That''s another level.

stands up and cheers! your GF needs to learn not to do this.

us too. we do nothing for valentines day. everyday is valentines day.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 2/15/2007 1:57:43 PM
Author: IndieJones
I have the distinct feeling that ''no gifts'' actually translated into ''I want an e-ring but I don''t want to pressure him''.

Also (!Get) != (!Do).

A future suggestion for a romantic gesture: Make red or pink construction paper hearts, write little messages or I love you on them, and then leave them hidden all around the house/apartment.


My fi says that Valentines day was solely invented to get men into trouble!

Don''t worry, your proposal will speak for itself.

Besides, everyone needs to learn at some point that their S.O isn''t a freaking mind reader. This is her fault too, so you might want to point out that you feel hurt too.

exactly. we were taught in couples couseling to say: "for my birthday I want... and a nice homemade birthday cake, and dinner at...."

 

[widget]

Not to worry, Jake...all will be forgiven soon enough.

Honestly...I''ve got to say this...I think the title of this thread should be amended to read: "Gals are stupid and so is V-day"!

At the risk of being ''severe upon my own sex'' (a la Jane Austen), saying that no V-day gift is OK should mean just that.

widget

 

[the other Jake]

UPDATE:
Well appearantly she said that "I told you I didn''t want anything big for Valentines Day... that didn''t mean don''t get me anything"- I thought a card counted *oops*

Chalk one up to communication errors

On a side note- I''m telling her parents/asking for a blessing today!! AHHHH! ha ha. It shouldn''t be that bad... Funny story because during our fight I told her that I did get her a present it just wasn''t for V-day. She goes well my birthday next month doesn''t count! I promised her it wasn''t. So she tells her mom this and her mom goes- "Bullshit... he didn''t get you anything!" Man is her mom gonna eat those words

(she loves me and we get along really well).

To throw her off the trail I later said that I haven''t gotten the present yet, but I am going to. She got mad again. So I promised her a romantic make up night sometime before her birthday and that I would have gotten the present but I was waiting until I got paid. I told her if I don''t make it up to her by her birthday she has the right to be mad... she responded pretty well to that

 

[RockDoc]

Hey Jake

After she finds out how long you''ve been "suffering" waiting for the trip, she''ll be fine, but will probably feel a little "silly" with herself.

Guess you''ll have to let her read all your posts on Pricescope.

Not too much longer now.

You''re almost there........

Hearing what happened and how surprised she''ll be once you''re back from the trip.... will be a great story for us.

I know how hard this is for you......my thoughts are with ya.

Rockdoc

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 2/15/2007 1:38:18 PM
Author:the other Jake
In my planning my proposal, I left out one thing- Valentines Day. Basically (as some of you may know), I plan on proposing in the Dominican Republic in just over two weeks

. I''ve saved up for about two years, had the ring in my possession for almost 3 months now, been planning this trip forever.... and its been killing me. She has absolutely no idea and it will be a complete suprise, but that''s not why I''m posting.

As Valentines Day was approaching, she mentioned that I didn''t have to get her anything this year. Well I took that literrally and just got her a card (at least I did that). We had classes cancelled due to snow so we got to spend the whole day in. Well pretty much all day, she was a bit off kilter. By the end, she was really upset to the point of tears and had me really frustrated- so much so that I almost told her my plans! She said I never do anything romantic and that she was expecting me to do something little. We ended up going out to dinner, but she felt it was only because she made me and I really didn''t want to.

Her point of view- All her friends and everyone around her got something special and here is her b/f that supposedly loves her so much and he didn''t do anything. She does so much for me including paying for almost everything. Saving for the ring was a higher priority for me than eating out- she would rather pay if it means that or not going. She also is much better off financially than I am. I''ll admit I''m not the most romantic guy in the world and I think that her feelings are partly justified not seeing the whole picture. She''s an amazing girl and I know she will forget soon enough... but not for a couple days at least. I really hate seeing her feel so hurt, but she really has no idea how hard I''ve worked for her. Should I even try to ammend the situation or let the proposal (March 4) speak for itself?

PS- this whole ordeal has got me on a crusade against V-day. Here I am trying to do the most romantic thing I could think of two weeks from now, but my gf is all upset because some marketing people said that your significant other should do something for you on Valentines Day.

bahahaha sorry - this is exactly what happened when I got married... told the dh not to get me a ring because he couldn''t afford what I wanted and secretly I wanted SOMETHING anything and hoped he would surprise me with it... but noooOOOOooooo he''s not a *mind* reader ::rolls eyes at men:: LOL I would just let the situation die down... maybe get her a belated card with a goofy poem you make up on the fly written inside with a ilttle apology. Who knows what women think and want - even I, a woman, have no idea what I myself want most of the time LOL But one thing is for sure - 90% of the time a woman protests "oh I don''t need anything for (fill in the blank)" get *something* anything anyway... even if it is a ridiculously overpriced card but you musn''t just sign it - put something really insanely mushy written in it.

 

[janinegirly]

the other Jake..I wouldn''t worry about this. I think your gf is actually the one being a *little* silly. A card is of course more than fine, and I''m sure you wrote sweet things in the card which is what should matter anyway. She probably is overreacting and comparing herself to others, which really isn''t such a great thing to be doing in the first place. And this is separate from all these elaborate engagement plans you''ve got going anyway! Be sure you make it clear to her that if she says "nothing" you will assume nothing. Not "oh nothing TOOOOOO expensive like a yacht" (ie, it starts to get ridiculous if she expects you to interpret her definition of nothing). Love is not defined by the material anyway. And if you start to go down this path where she expects little gifts even when she says she wants nothing, then you''re going to be expected to keep things at that level for years and decades to come! (not to mention b''days, anniversaries, anniversaries of anniversaries...).
So bottom line, you''re right on this one, so don''t just buckle and start freaking out and crumbling. She should be the one saying sorry for getting upset! Good luck with the engagement planning, you certainly have gone above and beyond.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 2/17/2007 3:09:32 PM
Author: the other Jake
UPDATE:
Well appearantly she said that ''I told you I didn''t want anything big for Valentines Day... that didn''t mean don''t get me anything''- I thought a card counted *oops*

Chalk one up to communication errors

On a side note- I''m telling her parents/asking for a blessing today!! AHHHH! ha ha. It shouldn''t be that bad... Funny story because during our fight I told her that I did get her a present it just wasn''t for V-day. She goes well my birthday next month doesn''t count! I promised her it wasn''t. So she tells her mom this and her mom goes- ''Bullshit... he didn''t get you anything!'' Man is her mom gonna eat those words

(she loves me and we get along really well).

To throw her off the trail I later said that I haven''t gotten the present yet, but I am going to. She got mad again. So I promised her a romantic make up night sometime before her birthday and that I would have gotten the present but I was waiting until I got paid. I told her if I don''t make it up to her by her birthday she has the right to be mad... she responded pretty well to that

That is great because now she won''t be expecting the proposal once she sees the romantic make up night...she''ll think it''s a do-over for Vday. Good job!!