Guest drama - what to do?!

[justginger]

I apologize in advance for this drama-ridden post. I really try to keep myself away from situations like this (when they do arise I keep them to myself and try to fix it all quietly), but I'm desperate for opinions and suggestions as to how I should proceed in this case.

Background information: my partner and I are an international couple - we live in his home country (Oz). I have been here quite a while, but honestly don't have a large group of friends here yet. My best friends are still back home, and we all correspond regularly. FH and I have decided to have two weddings, one in each country so that we can celebrate with EVERYONE. We are paying for the entirety of these two weddings ourselves, minus the generous gift my parents are contributing (they're covering the bar tab for the American wedding).

There are no issues with our American wedding. The issue that has my stomach hurting is with the Australian one. One of my few friends here is a guy from church, we'll call him David. David was, at one point, married to my FH's cousin, Julia. They have been divorced now for, um, maybe 10 years? They got married very young, both have STRONG personalities, and it just didn't work. No emotional or physical abuse, lots of fighting and hurt feelings. David is in a new relationship, Julia is remarried and has a young child.

The news we've received (and we first heard it long ago, and hoped it would just blow over...) is that Julia will NOT attend the wedding if David is invited. Not only will SHE not come, but her whole family will close ranks and boycott. So that's my FH's aunt and her *whole* family -- the mother, father, the divorced daughter and her new husband, her two unmarried brothers, and her married brother and his wife. That's one half of my FH's famliy.

David is not just *a* friend - he's one of very few of mine here. He's the one who has helped FH and I's relationship along, he's arranged my birthday celebrations for the last 2 years, etc. If he were less important, or one of more of my friends, it wouldn't seem so terrible. But I'm basically being bullied into not inviting one of my few friends in the country because FH's family is emotionally blackmailing us. My FMIL is SOOOOOO distressed about this, she's nearly having anxiety attacks about it. This, in turn, is making ME incredibly stressed and upset.

On one side, family is more important than friends. On the other, THEY should have that attitude too - it feels as if their hatred of him is more important, stronger, than their love for us. And it's not as if I don't understand the pain of a divorce...I've been there. And from what I can tell, my marriage breakdown was far worse than their's was.

I feel as if there is not even a happy medium here. I invite him, and my FMIL cries ALL day and ruins everything (not on purpose, but she's just highly emotional about this situation). I don't invite him, and not only will I miss him, and be giving in to blackmail, but it will make me a bit bitter with those members of FH's family who have made our special day all about them.

What would YOU guys do??

 

[sillyberry]

YUCK. I swear...

What does FI think about all this? Does he have a close relationship with David?

I'm generally in the "invite everyone and let them act like adults" camp. In your case, that means David comes and Julia et all don't since apparently they are incapable of doing so (it sounds like David is okay with being in the presence of his ex).

If I understand correctly, MIL isn't boycotting, she would just be upset that her family isn't there? I would honestly and gently tell her that you want everyone to come and celebrate, but they made a choice that this grudge was more important than coming to support you and your FI. You are really sorry they made that choice, and you wish it was different, but it isn't. You hope she can come and be happy for her son on that day and not allow the choices of others to ruin what should be a wonderful and special day.

Actually, I would have your FI tell her that. He should be running this interference with his family.

Again, yuck. People. ((hugs))

PS - the above advice requires knowing the actual truth of what went down between David and Julia. You might also ask MIL if there is some piece of the puzzle you don't actually know that might make this complete overreaction understandable.

 

[Indylady]

Ok--I think this is going to be unpopular advice, but..


Are the in-laws generally rational people?

And, are the really SERIOUS about boy-cotting the wedding?

If the answer to both is "yes"..

I think you should listen to them. Obviously, this is going to be easy for me to say: I'm not in the situation and I'm not friends with David. Your MIL, FI's aunt, FI's cousins, etc. are going to be your 'family' from now on out. You don't know what went wrong in the marriage between Julia and David, but if Julia's family is reacting SO strongly (and if they are otherwise rational people) I'm guessing that there might be something you don't know about that makes a meeting incredibly painful for Julia--so much so that her entire family understands and supports her choice not attend an event which David will also attend.

I don't think its a "hate him" vs. "love you and your FI" sort of situation. I think if you see it that way, it will make it really painful (not that I doubt it is already painful for you). I know that it is really hard not to, but I wouldn't take Julia's refusal to come personally--from the sounds of it, she probably wouldn't attend ANY event David would.

If I were you, I'd make the wedding in OZ family-only. I wish I had a better idea that might be more of a compromise, but I honestly can't think of one, and I really hate to see you in this situation. FI's family is going to be your family the day you take those vows--I've had friends, even those I've called my best friends, change. But my family, even those that disliked and argued with, has stayed constant throughout my life..when things go wrong, I know I can call my family regardless of anything else, ya' know?

 

[slg47]

I have to agree with IndyLady...the last thing you want to do is make your FI's family mad at you from the start. I'm sure David will understand and will still be friends with you.

 

[sillyberry]

I think we still need to know - what does FI think? Without that knowledge, I think any advice is necessarily incomplete.

To your points, though, I know I have a lot of family I'm not close to. There are friends that, if forced to choose, I would pick over some family members in a heartbeat. From what justginger has said, I'm not worried that David will or will not be friends with her. I'm concerned that his family can dictate who can and cannot attend their wedding and how that might make her feel that day. In my experience resentment is something really hard to overcome and I hate to think she starts out her married life resenting her ILs.

Also, If Julia doesn't want to attend, okay. I can understand that. But to manipulate everyone else along? That frosts my cookies. They need to grow up and politely ignore each other for the evening. I promise, it's possible.

Again - as I said, if something actually bad happened between D&J that justginger isn't privy to, that's another issue. But from what we know, there isn't. And if there is, justginger deserves to know why they are responding in such a manner.

 

[AprilBaby]

Sorry, but as an adult, and one your MIL's age, I think you have the right to invite whomever you want. If the others want to play games, that is not your fault. Let them choose to be babies and not show up. It will make them look stupid in the end. It's your day and no one has the right to dictate who you can be friends with and blackmail you into dis-inviting anyone. If David is your friend, be his friend back and the invite stands.

 

[Indylady]

Also, If Julia doesn't want to attend, okay. I can understand that. But to manipulate everyone else along? That frosts my cookies. They need to grow up and politely ignore each other for the evening. I promise, it's possible.

I'm wondering if something really nasty DID happen, that would cause the family to not only understand Julia's refusal to attend, but also cause them to decline as well. So, its not as if Julia coerced them into their stance, but that they also made the conscious and independent decision not to attend if David will too.

Regardless, lots of dust to you Ginger! I hope that this gets resolved smoothly and quickly.

 

[justginger]

We're still not any closer to knowing what we will do.

My FH will support my decision in this matter. It is his family, but he seems as clueless as to how they should be handled as I am. He would, of course, love to have them there, but it hurts his feelings that they are behaving in such a manipulative way.

My partner and I have worked so hard to save the money necessary for these celebrations. He's had a second job (three nights/week) for the last year to help save, and we've been busting ourselves on overtime at our regular jobs. It isn't a nice feeling knowing that you're putting in so much effort and the people it's being used on won't reciprocate.

I will have to speak with Julia myself before we make any decisions, but I really, really don't think there's another darker side to their split. David is a sorta youth pastor, extensive volunteer, and an all-around nice guy. I know there are bad people who have that facade, but nothing in the time we've spent together would make me think he's not genuine. I think they're both very demanding people - two VERY strong type As in the same house and the relationship exploded. And Julia is not behind the idea of the entire family not attending...that's her mother's doing (FH's aunt).

 

[amc80]

Assuming nobody is evil or purposely horrible, I think you should invite who you want to invite. If people are going to be petty and not attend, that's their issue.

 

[IceExplorer]

We're still not any closer to knowing what we will do.


I will have to speak with Julia myself before we make any decisions, but I really, really don't think there's another darker side to their split....
... And Julia is not behind the idea of the entire family not attending...that's her mother's doing (FH's aunt).

In your first post you said something that really made a lot of sense:
it feels as if their hatred of him is more important, stronger, than their love for us.

Is this something you could sit down and say to Julia? Perhaps you could petition for her support with her mother to get the rest of the family on board. Explain to her that you're being put in a very difficult position for what should be the happiest day of your life.
The aunt is being extremely selfish for a day that isn't 'hers'. Perhaps offer some compromise: David will be on the other side of the room, you could ask him to keep his distance etc...

We are going through some drama of our own (but that is a whole other story).
This may be of assistance...
After discussing it with my fiance, we decided to face the issue head on. We tried to be reasonable about it but it's difficult to do when dealing with unreasonable people. Especially when they are only focused on THEIR wishes.
Our conversation, unfortunately, had to extend itself to using phrases like:
-This is our day and all that we ask is for you respect our wishes. We can't stop you from doing what you want just understand you are doing so against our wishes and on our special day.
-It's unfortunate we are being put into a situation where we have to make these types of decision, I see why people take off and elope. The drama that guests can impose makes you wonder if having family there is worth it.



It's terrible to have to resort to guilt ridden comments. However, some people feel entitled to encroach on what should be a day all about you and your future husband.


PS: The aunt is something else! It's one thing to voice how she feels but endeavor a propaganda campaign encouraging people not to attend your wedding is wrong on every possible level!!

I really feel for your situation. Good luck with sorting it out. Keep us posted!