Grrrrr.

[wcitygirl]

I just need to vent my frustration for a second. So, I''m at work and I deal with the public a lot and I just got off the phone with this guy who was supposed to come to a meeting I was holding for veterans. Well, I was explaining to him that my bf just got home from Afghanistan in Dec. and the guy talks about it for a second and then asks THE QUESTION. So, when are you and your bf getting married? I know he was probably just being fun and didn''t mean to be annoying or anything like that. But, I just wanted to say: You know, I have no idea. Why don''t YOU call him and ask him. When I do, I don''t get a concrete answer. YES, I waited for him for 6 mos without a ring, YES, I have proven myself over and over again to be a great gf/partner. NO, I have no firm commitment [proposal]. YES, this does bother me. Thanks anyway for asking.

I might be a little resentful today.

Here''s the kicker. I tried to explain this to my bf (what a waste of time) -- that people pressure ME and ask ME all the time when we''re getting married. He''s like: That''s so funny, nobody asks me? Hm. Well, I guess I''m the only who has to explain to people why I''m not engaged when REALLY it''s HIS deal!!!!! Blarg. It makes me feel like I''m dumb or something or slightly inferior just because I don''t have a ring. I feel like people think that I''m getting screwed over or something just because MY BOYFRIEND CAN''T PULL IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!! I just get so frustrated when other people ask me. Darn it! I had just made a vow to myself to take a really positive attitude about this too.....

 

[ammayernyc]

Amen.
I have the same problem/situation.
I came to the realization today that I only have two friends who are in relationships (and 90% of my friends are in them) who are not married and/or engaged. And both of them will be very soon...

ARGH!

 

[blueroses]

wcitygirl!! (((HUGS))) I have been in your EXACT SAME SHOES so many times!!! People constantly asking me when we''re getting married as if 1) I have control over being proposed to or 2) there''s something lacking about me and wrong with me that he won''t or 3) I''m being somehow strung along or bamboozled. That might not be their intention, but it feels that way. People have only just recently started also bugging my bf, but it just HURTS when people are so insensitive and LAME with their expectations!!

HANG in there!!!

 

[kanne]

this happens to be a pet peeve of mine

Women are pressured (or is a better word..'conditioned') to get married and have children. Men are not. It steams me too.

I was at a Christmas cookie party last year with my mom and a bunch of her friends. In the middle of the party, one of the women came charging up at me (breathing fire) and grabbed my hand..looking at my empty ring finger. "When ARE you getting engaged, dear? Aren't you still with that SAME GUY?" I was mortified. What makes people feel that they have the right to do things like this?

At the party, I just laughed it off, but I was mad at myself for letting her get to me.

 

[blueroses]

Lovey, how awful!! Honestly, perfectly normal people do these AWFUL warthog behavior things. GRRR!!! And then, like you said, you get frustrated that you let them get to you, but they DO!

 

[blue_chica]

Oh god do I hear you. The majority of my friends are 4-5 years older than my BF and I. We had a party last weekend, and while standing in a room of 17 people, we were literally the only ones who don''t own a house and 2 out of 3 who weren''t married/engaged. BLECH. It is so hard not to get caught up in that crap and it would be so much easier if people didn''t bug one another about it. "So, have you lived up to society''s expections yet? Now? Now? Now?!?!?!"

With that said, do your best to avoid it by reminding yourself that these are external pressures. I remember from your profile that you are hoping your BF proposes before he moves for gradschool, there is a time, and at least that''s an actual deadline, as opposed to a totally nebulous thing. I remember blueroses had a v-day card from almost 3 years ago that said her bf would be "making an honest woman of her soon". If I were her, I''d have killed him by now.

Stupid silver lining talks, never make it actually better, do they?

 

[wcitygirl]

The funny this is. I don''t even KNOW these people!!!! I mean, I feel like I should have Charred back -- WELL, HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOUR PROSTATE LOOKED AT LATELY? HMMMM?

It''s THAT intrusive!!

I have more to say, but I have a meeting, so I''ll be back later.

 

[SJS1234]

Date: 1/21/2005 12:28:14 PM
Author: wcitygirl

The funny this is. I don''t even KNOW these people!!!! I mean, I feel like I should have Charred back -- WELL, HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOUR PROSTATE LOOKED AT LATELY? HMMMM?

It''s THAT intrusive!!

I have more to say, but I have a meeting, so I''ll be back later.

that cracked me up!!! lol!!! I would like to have a heard a response to that one!

 

[blueroses]

wcity, LOL!!!

BlueChica, I have almost killed him by now, believe me! It''s actually ok in a lot of ways--we were NOT ready in 02. (But we were in EARLY 04, and I''m ready now!!!) I think I might remind him of that card again,

I think maybe I wrote it wrong--I think he actually said he''d make an honest woman of me "yet" vs. "soon." See, yet another loophole for "boy" soon!

I actually just had these experiences again last night--some of my friends have started a new theatre company and I went to a benefit and saw lots of former grad school classmates, friends, etc...and again it was, "so when are YOU getting married." But somehow it''s ok coming from my artsy friends who I feel like ask out of concern for my happiness and are far less conventional folks themselves vs. when I feel the questions from other people which is more like what BlueChica said:So, have you lived up to society''s expections yet? Now? Now? Now?!?!?!" But I''m sure we all get it from ALL sides these days!

 

[blue_chica]

wcity - if I send you a tape recorder will you record yourself saying that and send it back to me? Then I can just play it when people ak.

blueroses - I blame most of my current state of agitation on my boyfriend - he started it with wedding talk AGES ago, and I don''t think they understand that once the topic is broached it doesn''t just go back in a box because they (or even you) aren''t ready! So when I read that story about the card I wanted to strangle him for you. Add in the social pressures and expections, it''s a recipe for disaster. I never would have believed I was susceptible before a few months ago though.

I do have a few friends who are in lt relationships but aren''t engaged yet left, and my sole mission at this point, and especially post-engagement, is to avoid making them feel like I have, so it''s a non-topic with us.

 

[allycat0303]

OHHHHH.. things that make me really mad!

I saw an old "friend" from high school (in the company of my boyfriend) and she says "How come you guys aren''t married? You''ve only been together for 20 million years" Did dinosaurs roam the earth then? I don''t remember. Obviously I must have been too wrapped up in my boyfriend to notice them. How nice. I don''t need to hear that. I feel for all of you.

 

[denverkat]

Blarg indeed. And isn''t it always the worst after holidays? When people ask me that, I always respond with a "Who knows, ask him?" which they usually do. If I''m going to be made to feel like a total loser for not being engaged, I''m going to make sure he gets a piece of it too. Typically though, he responds with something like "Well, if she''d just make up her mind which ring she wants." Yeah, anybody else''s b.s. meter go haywire over that one

 

[blueroses]

"How come you guys aren''t married? You''ve only been together for 20 million years" Did dinosaurs roam the earth then? I don''t remember. Obviously I must have been too wrapped up in my boyfriend to notice them. How nice."

LOL!!! Alley, that is HILARIOUS!!! I''m pretty sure I''ve heard the 20million number about us too! I am going to use that reply next time

 

[appletini]

I used to get those questions a lot too...although I think people gave up and quick asking, but still get the questions sometimes. I just say "I don''t know, you should ask him."

 

[twinkletoes]

oh, don''t worry.

at least your dad doesn''t tell you in front of everyone at Thanksgiving dinner not to beg your bf to marry you. Then asks what''s taking so long. And then says I shouldn''t wait to long. LOL

 

[Erin]

Have you also noticed - since we didn''t get the e-ring for xmas or NYE, and everybody (family included) is pressuring us, and people make insensitive comments - that the only things on television are the episode of friends when chandler and monica get married, or the episode where joey finds a ring in ross'' bag, seinfeld when george proposes to susan, or runaway bride is on tbs, or sex/city when aiden proposes, or a commercial for diamonds, or a local bridal expo.......it''s everywhere!!!! M Maybe it''s just CST programming but it feels like insult to injury. I can''t leave the house or stay in the house without being reminded of the one thing I long for.

 

[blueroses]

No Erin, I''m with you--I was thinking the exact same thing with the Aiden proposal last week and the Friends where Monica and Chandler ALMOST get married in Vegas, etcetc....

 

[Tybee]

Wow,

This is absolutely awful! I can only imagine how frustrating these questions must be. I think my friends and family must have given up on me...their jaws dropped to the ground when my FI proposed and I said yes.

I''m a teacher, and whenever my kids would ask me why I wasn''t married I would simply tell them it was because I didn''t want to be married yet. There is just too much pressure in this society to "conform" to the "norms"and get married by a certain age, or get married at all! Puts a lot of pressure on us gals...

Hang in there. I like the prostate response a lot.

 

[Cath]

I am so sorry to read about the rude comments that you guys are getting!

I just wanted to say that unfortunately, once you are married, the questions simply turn into "So, when are you having kids?"

Luckily I haven''t gotten it too much yet, except for the one older female relative who walked up to me and put her hand on my stomach, then said "Oh, not yet, huh?" I was speechless!!!

 

[goldengirl]

LOL@ wcity... PROSTATE!!! LMAO!!!

I haven''t had the "aren''t you engaged yet", yet... I have had a couple "So will you get it for xmas?" and then "So did you get it for xmas?" (To which my responses were, no, and, I already told you no, dingbat. )

I''m just DYING for someone to bug me about it now so I can use the prostate response!!!

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 1/21/2005 2:55

8 PM
Author: Cath
I am so sorry to read about the rude comments that you guys are getting!

I just wanted to say that unfortunately, once you are married, the questions simply turn into ''So, when are you having kids?''

Luckily I haven''t gotten it too much yet, except for the one older female relative who walked up to me and put her hand on my stomach, then said ''Oh, not yet, huh?'' I was speechless!!!

CAth is so right!!!! I get that all the time, but it doesn''t bother me. I always just respond with when we are ready.

Wcity and others: Just enjoy being together at this point..honestly, when the time is right it will be right. You plan on being together forever and being bf and gf is as exciting as being fiance/ee and man and wife if not more exciting. Don''t let others'' opinions make you feel like a loser for not being engaged. People can only make us feel what we want to feel.. and don''t feel like you are a loser because you are not engaged. Sure, having a ring is a "symbol" of your man''s commitment, but it is merely that, a symbol... enjoy all these special times... being a military wife is very rewarding but not always easy so enjoy it while it is a little easier..

Many Blessings

 

[heartsonfire]

Oh my, we''re all in the same boat... what a relief I''m not by myself. Most of the people who ask me are "men" or close friends to his family. And as if it''s not enough when they ask me: "So when are you guys getting married?" or "When''s the date?" they also ask me "So you''re here for good now?"... yeah right... I wish it''s like that... no I always politely answer back to #1 & #2 "I don''t know, he hasn''t asked me yet." (with a smile... eventhough I don''t want to) and to #3 "We are working on it." (and to my self I think... for quite some time now

). The worst people who could ask me is my family... coz they are really not very gently with that question. They make me feel as if I don''t have any say to that issue (which I really don''t coz I wouldn''t know when bf would propose). Yes, pressure comes mostly from the outside. (((big hugs))) to you ladies!

OK something off the topic... we went to look at rings at a local jeweler yesterday... he knew one of the salesrep. So we looked... and I hear a man saying... "other men will run away from that section and you went right straight to it"... we both laughed (but honestly I didn''t think it was funny). So he sends us someone to assist us coz he was helping someone else... soon after I see him at the section were we were with the couple he was assisting... he showed them a RB maybe 5ct or 6ct... it was huge. Anyhow he shows it to us... I say: "That''s a rock... that''s too big." (I mean I don''t mind a nice RB but I know it will look to big and too gotti on my hand)... and he goes "trust me your bf can afford it"... I just thought don''t care if my bf could afford it... I wouldn''t want a stone I couldn''t wear coz it''s too big. Eventhough I know he was just joking... I didn''t think it was funny.

 

[blueroses]

HOF, that''s just rude! What a presumptuous salesman!!

 

[heartsonfire]

I don''t think bf thought that was rude... I think it was a compliment to him because they do make lots of business with them. But the way that salesman was... just unbelievable. It''s fine but I just don''t want to look like this person who would just want to have a big stone just to say my bf can afford it. I''d rather prefer him choosing wisely by finding the right ring. I''d be more confident wearing the ring we both adore without him overspending. Men are so silly sometimes.

 

[blueroses]

I know what you mean--I''m sure he intended it as a compliment to your boyfriend, but I don''t like the way he just assumes that your taste would automatically be "the bigger the better"--as if somehow that must be more important than you being pleased with the ring choice!!!

But it must have been fun to see a 6 carat rock just for fun

 

[Munchkin]

Can I just say once more how much I LOVE this board! I feel like I was reading a biography of the past few years of my life as I read your posts.

I am SO tired of being asked "the question" multiple times as week. I especially the follow-up questions and comments that often infer that my boyfriend must not really be serious about me. Or worse - the pitying glances! I HATE having little seeds of doubt placed in my brain. This whole process is such a rollercoaster of emotion. I think what makes is worse is that we are long-distance. So, everytime we plan an interesting weekend I think "This could be it!" Plus, I get bombarded with questions and deal with not-so-subtle glances to my left ring finger on the Monday following a visit.

I agree with whoat someone said above...in our relationship, the "when" is ultimately up to him - so ask HIM! My boyfriend simply does not get all the questions and pressure I get. I think I am just going to sit here with my lower-lip stuck out and say "It's not fair!" (Clearly I possess the maturity to get engaged.

)

Oh, one more thing...wedding stuff, diamonds, engagements, etc. are EVERYWHERE! I cannot listen to the radio or watch TV without some sort of reference to it all! I swear it didn't use to be this way...but maybe I am just hyperaware of it now.
Munchkin

 

[heartsonfire]

Blueroses: I very much agree with you! You just know me too well

. Yes it was nice to see a huge RB from afar... honestly I was too overwhelmed by it just to see it on my hand (it was just a loose RB).

 

[wcitygirl]

Ok, I''m back. Thanks so much for all your hugs and encouragement! It''s so nice to know that everyone else out there feels weird too (although, I''m really sorry that everyone else has such NOSEY!! people in their lives!!

) I''m so grateful for everyone here -- if I didn''t have you to talk to I think a) my friends would want to duct tape my mouth shut, b) I would implode and b) my boyfriend would get tired of me talking about this and DUMP me.

As far as pressure from others to the bf -- that''s now starting up and I LOVE it!!! Muahahahahahahaha. (Evil gf laugh) And the funny thing is (I don''t know if this is bad or good or just IS), he won''t tell me about it. I "accidently" saw a letter sent to my bf from his cousin where his cousin said: Now, you didn''t go off and marry that gf off yours did you. (Ummm, NO) And then, when I went to my bf''s family''s house this Christmas, his other cousin told me of the following relative:

OR (Obnoxious Relative): BF, I heard you''re getting married.
Bf: Wait, WHAT?
OR: Well, I heard that you would be stupid not to marry the girl you''re dating now and I KNOW you aren''t dumb.
Bf: Oh, hahaha.

I''m so glad to see that he''s finally taking the heat. HA.

Lovey -- I can''t believe how rude people are sometimes!!!

TwinkleToes -- That''s terrible. My mom keeps telling me to just SHUT UP and not mention it. But, not in front of my bf!!! I would be horrifed!!! You poor thing!

Erin -- I totally agree with you. I walked into B&N the other day (mind you, I REFUSE to indulge Wedding **** cravings) and they have about three HUGE racks of Wedding **** out under "Customer Favorites." OMG!! I can''t escape it! I think we''re now entering into "Wedding Season." In my opinion (not expert), I think that marketers think that everyone (clearly us NOT included) gets engaged over the holidays and, thus, capitalizes on this and has declared Jan thru June "Wedding Season." Everything is wedding right now.

Cath -- OMG -- funny story -- So, this is with my ex bf. I''m standing in his kitchen and his aunt looks at me and says: Are you pregnant or just getting fat? (Yes, I had gained 5 lbs and was slouching so probably sticking stomach out.) Because if you''re pregnant and want to talk about it.... I was like: EXCUSE ME? WHAT? So, sometimes, it''s before you get married.

Hahahaaha.

For the love.... -- He''s getting out of the military in about a month. So, no more deployments!! WooHoo! I offered to be his cultural attache when he went to Afghanistan, but was denied.

I do enjoy being in a relationship with him, but I''m feeling a little stress because he''s moving across the country in Aug and wants me to go, but I don''t want to go without a formal commitment (he''s extremely traditional, so I think he understands). I would have hated being a military wife -- deployments are tough. My best friend threatened to divorce me (Hahahaha) if Bf was deployed again because we were so stressed.

HOF -- what a funny salesman!! I would love to see a 6 ct. (NOT that I would be receiving that in MY lifetime!!)

 

[Erin]

I swear it didn''t use to be this way...but maybe I am just hyperaware of it now.

maybe that''s it - I remember when I first bought my Chrysler 300M - it seemed like they were all over the road when before I never noticed them. And it is the planning season for weddings but I never really noticed it all that much last year.

 

[flopkins]

Date: 1/21/2005 5:40:33 PM
Author: Erin
I swear it didn''t use to be this way...but maybe I am just hyperaware of it now.


maybe that''s it - I remember when I first bought my Chrysler 300M - it seemed like they were all over the road when before I never noticed them. And it is the planning season for weddings but I never really noticed it all that much last year.

Don''t worry, once you''re engaged, everyone will start asking you "When''s the date?!" Believe me, I''ve been engaged for almost 3 mths now and we still dont have a date, and ppl KEEP ASKING!! Even ppl I hardly talk to ever - and I feel totally uncomfortable, cuz they''re not even on the ''C''-if-no-one-decides-to-come-you-get-invited-guest list!!! blah!

And I''m convinced that I''m ''hyperaware'' of wedding stuff now too - it seems to be everywhere when a few months ago it didn''t really exist! Strange...