Greedy?

[chevysl]

My BF and I agreed that his grandmother''s engagement ring would be perfect for our engagement. Only problem is that it was missing a stone. (Her ring originally has one 1.21 carat diamond with a .5 carat side diamond) The smaller of the two diamond is missing, which in a weird sorta way was nice since we would be adding a new touch to this ring (personalizing it). This was great for my BF since he would be saving so much as compared to buying a whole new ring (also, he''s still in college). Anyway, we''ve been together for almost 6 years and being that we shopped together for a loose diamond, and even planned the date of our engagement (see previous post on spoiled by chinese tradition) I was upset at the fact that this was not going to be a surpise engagement.

My question is: Would it be greedy of me to ask for another ring when he gets a steady job but before we actually get married? (we''re not planning on getting married till 2006/2007...Chinese superstitions)

 

[Robyn12]

Maybe you could have the grandmother's diamond reset into a brand new setting that would make you happy? You could add some sidestones, or an eternity band? If he doesn't have the money to do that now, maybe you could have that done before the wedding (in a few years)? In my opinion, that is the best compromise.

If that's not an option, and you'd like a new ring of your own, I don't think that makes you greedy. I think all women have a certain ring/diamond in mind... Plus many women upgrade their first ring... I'm sure he would understand.

I'd say be honest and let him know you had your heart set on finding your own dream ring, and that you'd still like to do that someday...

After you find the new ring, you could move the family ring over to your right hand so everyone knows it's important to you...

Good luck!

 

[Hest88]

Well, problem is, an e-ring is an e-ring. You can maybe ask for a 3-stone or something like that, or give back the grandmother's ring, but I'm sure if it's really appropriate to ask for 2 e-rings. You can talk to him about "upgrading" or say that now that the two of you have money to get you the ring of your dreams, but it's going have to be phrased in a way that doesn't make it seem like you just want an additional ring.

 

[fuffi]

IMHO - If you don't think you would be really happy with his grandmother's ring, then you shouldn't accept it. Have the diamond reset to suit your taste as previously suggested or wait until your boyfriend can afford something else. If you're not getting married for at least 2-3 years, what's the hurry? But to accept it now and later ask for second ring I think would be pretty over the top.

 

[jenibear]

I didn't vote because what I have to say doesn't fit in those three choices.

Why did you agree with the first ring if you didn't like it? If it's the money, couldn't you have helped pay for it too since your the one that wants more than your honey can afford or could you have held off until he could afford more considering the marriage is a ways off?

And if it's not the ring, but the surprise, I think you may have been able to get that surprise had you mentioned to your intended that a surprise was important to you.

If I were him my feelings would be hurt not because you want something different, but because you agreed to things that didn't make you happy or you didn't want.

Or am I totally reading this wrong?

My sweetie and I picked out the ring together, yet he managed to surprise me completely when he proposed. I got the best of both worlds - just what I wanted - and I wouldn't do it any other way.

And by the way, he offered his grandma's ring and I politely declined because it was so NOT my taste and I hate to say it, but I really didn't like it. I really wanted something of my own. He was a little bummed but got over it VERY quickly and is now glad we did what we did.

I think you need to talk to your FI before you make a decision, but this is just my 2c.

Good luck.

 

[Mara]

Not sure I even understand, how would it make you feel any better for him to re-propose with another ring if you are asking him to do it? That isn't a surprise.




IMO, if you two both agreed that this option was the perfect idea as you noted, then you should stick to it. Getting another ring later may be an option, but it wouldn't really be an e-ring unless you upgraded the initial stone. So I wouldn't rule out future purchases, but to ask for a second e-ring in my opinion on top of this one when you originally both agreed may hurt his feelings. Guys tend to get somewhat sentimental when you think they won't!

 

[kimong]

What's the rush for getting a ring when you'll won't be married at least 3 years away? If you don't like his grandmothers ring then tell him honestly and wait till you both can afford what you want. Getting two e rings makes no financial and sentimental sense. Hmmm...I'm chinese and I've never heard of chinese superstitions that make you wait that long to get married... unless thats your choice.

In MHO there should only be one e ring, so only get what you really want, even if you have to wait. Which is what I have been doing, unfortunately, got the budget but can't find the diamond!! Though we're getting married next year, so got less time to wait.

 

[Chrisk327]

If you don't like grandma's ring then tell him

If you want another ring in addition to grandma's..... I guess there is nothing too wrong with that... but its not an engagement ring

A married couple gets engaged once... A diamond is purely sentemental don't see how "replace" an e-ring. its not a car, that you have a use for, or a house. If you want a flashier ring, fine, but in my mind, the engagement ring is a sentemental thing and should be kept.

Additional jewelry, even if its a diamond ring bigger and better is fine... but just b/c he's using grandma's ring, you shouldn't feel you're "entitled" to another. You should feel glad that you can save the money and mentally put it towards a house/wedding/honeymoon. Or you should not go for the ring and have him get you your own.

 

[fire&ice]

Maybe it's me. I think it is an *HONOR* to be presented w/ a family ring. If someone were to decline *my* family ring, I would have serious concerns about this person entering my family.

JMHO.

That said, there is nothing wrong with wanted another ring when money isn't as much of an issue. But, I would hope said ring purchase would not interfere with house & home.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

You know, I REALLY agree with Fire and Ice on this one. Your fiance's family must really respect you to pass on a family heirloom to you and to not accept it would be a huge insult. It sounds like an amazing and LARGE diamond ring. A 1.21 isn't something to take lightly! I can't imagine asking for a second ring after receiving one so big.

Michelle

 

[jenibear]

I have to disagree that not accepting a family heirloom is an insult to the family. If it's not something that you like why pretend? If the heirloom is a cushion and you prefer rounds or vice versa I don't see the harm.
I have to say when I declined the offer my honey's mom was not offended at all and quite excited that we would be purchasing a brand new ring.
She gets to keep wearing her mommy's ring as she has for years and we got something new. Everyone is happy.

 

[canadiangrrl]

----------------
On 12/10/2003 11:04:27 AM fire&ice wrote:

Maybe it's me. I think it is an *HONOR* to be presented w/ a family ring. If someone were to decline *my* family ring, I would have serious concerns about this person entering my family.

JMHO.

That said, there is nothing wrong with wanted another ring when money isn't as much of an issue. But, I would hope said ring purchase would not interfere with house & home.----------------

Well put.

 

[chevysl]

Thanks for everyone's input. To clarify, I LOVE the ring. In fact, I paid for 1/3 of the price for the replacement diamond (since I've already graduated and have a stable job) The only reason I was asking for a second ring was because I'm not happy with the fact that the proprosal will not be a surprise...and I really want to stick with my tradition of getting engaged on an "auspisious day". So yes, I want to keep the "original" engagement date. But all is well, I've just accepted the fact that I'll be happy to just be engaged. And yes, it would be silly to get engaged twice...with two different rings.

 

[tomatoe]

well then get another diamond ring (right hand or otherwise), just not another e-ring

 

[chris-uk04]

Most couples that have been dating for a while have talked about marriage, so complete surprisals are not as common. Unfortunately, girls usually bring it up and want to talk about the subject all the time, but then can be disappointed because all the talk has ruined a surprise.

In these circumstances, a guy has muster a surprise with tell their gf that it'll be "after you graduate" or something like that (which would be some time in the future). Then if you ask earlier then they expected, you retain some degree of surprise.

He still can manage a somewhat-surprise if he is enterprising. He doesn't have to be "ok, here's your ring"... but perhaps plan a surprise trip somewhere and then ask. So, it doesn't have to be completely ruined.