Gratefulness

[ame]

I see an oncologist/hematologist twice a year, minimum. Today was my latest appointment. This appointment is an absolute reminder of everything I have to be greatful for. I might have crappy health, a giant gut, and otherwise hate a lot of things about myself and my life, but sitting in that waiting room and treatment room is the most incredible reality check ever.

As I sit in these rooms and see these people who truly need his help, and overhear diagnoses, and that someone cannot get their chemo this time, or that chemo isn't working anymore...my insides swell with rage that I am a giant waste of this staff and this doctor's incredibly precious time. I am there because something is wrong with my blood. They don't know why it is why it is, but I have to go for regular checks to see what's changed while he and a team try to figure out why and what it is. It's the only known thing wrong in all of my bloodwork. But these other people? They NEED HIM to save their lives or make their remaining days on earth more comfortable.

In the hour I am there, I overhear more heartbreak than I can even fathom. I watch people from the funeral homes come in to sign off on death certificates and autopsies and watch the staff cry over the losses of patients that they fought hard to save. A family member we loved and lost this past November also saw this Dr. and his staff, and every time I go I am reminded that they did their best for her as well, and how much it sucks that by the time she got to them it was already well beyond help, and they just did what they could to give her as much time as she could to spend with my niece and nephew and her other grandkids.

I get in my car after that appointment with wells of tears in my eyes, thinking about how lucky I am, I have all of this....SHIT in my house, in my purse, in my life, all these people in my life, and I take it all for granted so frequently. I see these people, some of them in there alone, some fighting so hard...and it pisses me right off. And then that rage fades away so fast, and I am mad at myself again for letting that rage fade away, the rage about that inequity.

 

[missy]

(((Hugs))) Ame. I feel the same way and despite what I am currently dealing with I am grateful for everything I have in my life. I am glad your current check up was clean and hope it continues to be that way.

 

[urseberry]

Thank you, ame. This really spoke to me.

 

[ame]

(((Hugs))) Ame. I feel the same way and despite what I am currently dealing with I am grateful for everything I have in my life. I am glad your current check up was clean and hope it continues to be that way.

Yea, I feel for you too! I am sick of this "medical rollercoaster of crap" I am on, which you seem to also be on.

I got all but the main number today--which is typical, that one is a 24 hour test. He can get the rest instantly, but this one we wait for. Unless it's out of the line we expect, he won't tell me til I go back in November. We looked at the line of the numbers today, and I said "it looks like a downward trend, that's good right" and he really just said "it's not really "like that" but I guess in theory yes. They're within 5 points of each other, so unfortunately they're equal in this case. If it goes from Poly to Mono (or the other way around?), though, then we have a problem." So, lame. I guess it's good it's not worse.

But overall, I have it so damn good. Yes, Im a fatass. I live like a queen, and I need to be damn glad of that.

 

[isaku5]

Both my husband and I have cancer. His is prostate and mine is breast.

DH's cancer is being treated at a well known centre in Toronto. It is a behemoth of a building and there are two extra buildings as well. One smaller building is for cancer patients and that's where we go. First, to check in, then to have his blood work done, and finally either a treatment or a checkup.

The first few times, I stayed in the waiting area where you will see as much misery as you could have dreamed existed in the entire city. People of all ethnicities and ages trying their best to be healed if only to see a wedding or a graduation of a beloved relative. . If you can manage a small smile and a nod when you look at their faces, you might be rewarded by the same in return, but more than likely, there's no strength left in their disease ridden body.

It's so hard not to say to the friend who accompanies him, "Wouldn't he feel much better at home?". I often wondered how the patient can be made to feel better after yet another dose of poison. The will to clutch to that last thread of life must be overwhelmingly strong.

We made many of these trips and after I noticed that some people went in with their patient, I thought I'd do the same. Even more mind-boggling than in the waiting room.


I was diagnosed almost two years to the this day. It was initially a shock as the lump was found during a routine physical. I was booked to see a surgeon in our own area hospital system. Prior to the surgery I had had more tests than I could count. Very soon I had my lumpectomy after which I stayed overnight. My husband picked me up at noon the following day and I went home to rest.

Since I wasn't able to see the oncologist, my surgeon took his place in the interim explaining what remedial steps I should take - chemo, and radiation- and I was told that we could start before I actually saw the oncologist. I needed very little time to decide that I wanted no further treatment. From that time I visit the oncologist once a year and on the last visit, he said that I was clear. I know that once a person has cancer, it's still possible to have a re-occurrence, but , at this age, I can live with that.

 

[momhappy]

Both my husband and I have cancer. His is prostate and mine is breast.

DH's cancer is being treated at a well known centre in Toronto. It is a behemoth of a building and there are two extra buildings as well. One smaller building is for cancer patients and that's where we go. First, to check in, then to have his blood work done, and finally either a treatment or a checkup.

The first few times, I stayed in the waiting area where you will see as much misery as you could have dreamed existed in the entire city. People of all ethnicities and ages trying their best to be healed if only to see a wedding or a graduation of a beloved relative. . If you can manage a small smile and a nod when you look at their faces, you might be rewarded by the same in return, but more than likely, there's no strength left in their disease ridden body.

It's so hard not to say to the friend who accompanies him, "Wouldn't he feel much better at home?". I often wondered how the patient can be made to feel better after yet another dose of poison. The will to clutch to that last thread of life must be overwhelmingly strong.

We made many of these trips and after I noticed that some people went in with their patient, I thought I'd do the same. Even more mind-boggling than in the waiting room.


I was diagnosed almost two years to the this day. It was initially a shock as the lump was found during a routine physical. I was booked to see a surgeon in our own area hospital system. Prior to the surgery I had had more tests than I could count. Very soon I had my lumpectomy after which I stayed overnight. My husband picked me up at noon the following day and I went home to rest.

Since I wasn't able to see the oncologist, my surgeon took his place in the interim explaining what remedial steps I should take - chemo, and radiation- and I was told that we could start before I actually saw the oncologist. I needed very little time to decide that I wanted no further treatment. From that time I visit the oncologist once a year and on the last visit, he said that I was clear. I know that once a person has cancer, it's still possible to have a re-occurrence, but , at this age, I can live with that.

I'm sorry that you and your husband are going through this. I admire your decision not to utilize chemo/radiation. I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, it's the standard course of treatment and I'm sure it saves lives, but I agree that it's poison. I watched my father-in-law be poisoned to the point of no return. We try to remind ourselves that there was no way to know what his quality of life would have been had he rejected chemo as his course of treatment, but it certainly seemed that the chemo drastically decreased his quality of life with each treatment, until he died within a few, short months. I wish you and your husband the best - sending you positive thoughts and prayers…And Ame, sending you the same and thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this too.

 

[Begonia]

Taking a reality check in my life...and thinking of you all.

 

[LLJsmom]

Ame, so true. Gratitude for all that we have is what will get us through. I need to be reminded of this more often. Thanks for being real. And congrats that the test results were an ok. (My dad does the once a year too. And each year, there is a collective breath intake, and hopefully a gradual release when those results come back.). God bless you.

 

[ame]

I don't know the other number yet, I assume it's fine since I wasn't called. They have no explanation for me other than THIS number is elevated. Everything else is fine.