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Gift certificate etiquette question

qtiekiki|1343942866|3245058 said:
I am kind of curious as to the relations of the gift givers and the recipient because I want to know why you have to tippy toe around this person.

Me too!

I'd *guess* it was a blood relative, because I've seen time and again people apply a different set of etiquette with the outside world than to their enmeshed family. Always made me wonder about what went one behind closed doors in those households when children were young and supposedly being educated in right and wrong behavior.

So CJ, younger sibling/nephew/child? Daft parent? Am I totally off-base? (The scenario in my mind had been the former+graduation, but after hearing you apply "them/they", I'm wondering if the GC was a milestone anniversary-- for a guilt-tripping, entitled "adult" and spouse?)
 
Haven - that sounds about right to me!

Qtie - typical confrontation avoidance :bigsmile:

Deco - it is about keeping in mind what the person receiving the gift would like rather than what you think they "should" like.

We were put off more by by the way the person went about asking...the resentment didn't come from them not liking the gift.

Of course I'm not even sure if that's what the story was supposed to get me to think about or consider as a flip side.

ETA - fleur I missed your post the first time - definitely a blood relative. I do agree they may not have asked for the cash in exchange had the gift been given to them by a friend, although I can't say for sure. Maybe it would depend on the friend.
 
Ok, is it a sibling??? parent??? child?? or someone out of the immediate family? Just being nosy. For me, it's weird to have to dance around family, but I am not much of a confrontation avoiding person.
 
Qtie - I totally understand being curious, I'd be curious too. But I'd rather not say, just to prevent someone from recognizing it might be them - but they are an adult...and it's not a distant relative...you know I don't know if it's the way we do things in my family or just me...but I do avoid confrontation or things that are uncomfortable a lot of times. And this is uncomfortable.
 
I don't have any specific response, but how you handle it will affect how this person interprets gifts in the future (an expression of thoughtfulness, or a grab for money).

My mother has gotten into the habit of asking for gifts that are rather expensive. I know she is strapped for money, I earn more than her, and I don't mind, for a couple occasions a year, helping her with a bigger purchase. But we have gotten in this pattern of a kind of bait and switch, after I offer to help her buy that item, she then basically asks or wants to exchange for a yet more expensive item, where more money needs to be contributed, which then morphs into, well I would rather just have the money. This has happened with a jewelry purchase, a mattress purchase, and now a computer purchase.

I have to be very firm that, no the offer was is for A (item) not B (a bunch of money). If you just want money, I will give you b (smaller amount of money) but I'm not also going to contribute to any future (item) purchase. At this point in the discussion, I told her I'd contribute a certain amount of money towards computer purchase, when she makes it, because what I thought she needed (a basic computer for word processing and web surfing) is not what she is saying she now needs (one with lots of added programs, a new monitor, etc). It's frustrating.
 
CJ2008|1344003356|3245347 said:
Qtie - I totally understand being curious, I'd be curious too. But I'd rather not say, just to prevent someone from recognizing it might be them - but they are an adult...and it's not a distant relative...you know I don't know if it's the way we do things in my family or just me...but I do avoid confrontation or things that are uncomfortable a lot of times. And this is uncomfortable.

And that's what makes it so rude, the fact that your relative is making you uncomfortable. At its core, etiquette really is about making others comfortable. I've been watching the first season of "Breaking Bad" and the episode I watched last night reminded me of you. There's a birthday party for a very wealthy man. The invitation said "no gifts" but his broke friend brought a token joke gift of ramen noodles because that's what he and the wealthy guy ate every day back when they were grad students together. Of course, when the friend gets to the party, there's a table full of elaborately wrapped presents. Just after the birthday guy opens up a Fender Stratocaster autographed by Elvis Costello, he's given the newspaper wrapped box of noodles. The broke guy is feeling very uncomfortable as everyone watches the gift being opened but the gracious way his friend accepts it makes it look like the best most thoughtful present ever. I'd recommend the scene as a great etiquette lesson -- too bad the rest of the show is heavy on drug dealing!
 
part gypsy - I would find that really frustrating too...I have a problem with people - no matter the age - expecting gifts or money. It sounds like you found a way to stand up for yourself, but it must be exhausting to go through this every time.

maria - I agree that what's etiquette is all about...(and I have to tell you though when I read that story, my first thought was, if the invitation said "no gifts" people should have respected that!)

I've learned a couple of lessons from this experience though - and hopefully they did the same, on some level. I'm just glad we didn't give in to the discomfort because like part gypsy said (and you too, actually)that would have encouraged the expectation and entitlement.
 
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