Gift certificate etiquette question

[CJ2008]

Here's the scenario - between 3 people, we gave a family member a gift certificate for them to learn a particular skill (plus took them out to eat). This was kind of an expensive gift that was more than we would have spent on that particular occasion but we did it because we truly thought the person was going to want to do it and we thought they could really benefit from it.

A few weeks later, person tells me they do not want to learn that particular skill.

We found this out right before their b-day so we decided to spend more on their bday gift knowing that they didn't benefit from our previous gift.

Gift recipient is asking if we're going to give them the $ equivalent for the gift certificate, since that $ is "theirs."

That was never our intention - we were really hoping that they would go through with wanting to learn that skill because we thought it would be really good for them...but we weren't going to do anything in "exchange" - all we did is spend more on the bday gift to make up a little bit for that.

I was just about to explain this to the gift recipient when I figured I'd check in and see if there are other perspectives to take into consideration here. We had the best of intentions every step of the way but now just feel not that great about any of it.

 

[Gypsy]

Are they entitled much?

Tell them to sell it on Craigslist or Ebay. Geez.

 

[CJ2008]

Here's an additional detail that may or may not change responses so I need to add it.

We did get our $ back for the gift (after much going back and forth, since there was supposed to be no refunds) - so in essence we COULD give them the cash in exchange.

But since that was never our intention we just never even thought about doing that. We just spent more for their bday. But perhaps we should have explained that to them at the time of the bday gift? Not sure.

ETA: I should also add that by "spending more" I do not mean that we equaled the previous gift - at all - but we did each put in a little more than we would otherwise have.

 

[Haven]

Are they entitled much?

Tell them to sell it on Craigslist or Ebay. Geez.

I agree.

This would be the last gift that person ever received from me, by the way.

 

[Maria D]

As I understand it, the recipient *can't* sell the gift certificate on ebay/craigslist because you never gave it to them, you got your money back instead, is that right? I don't think that makes the recipient entitled to more of a gift than you already gave him, or to anything really. I also think it's highly rude for this person to ask for more and that would be true even if, after finding out that the this gift certificate was not an appropriate gift, you got your money back and decided to give no gift at all.

You do have me curious as to what this gift certificate was for! I'm thinking about how miffed I would be if my family/friends pitched in to get me expensive cooking lessons because they thought it would be a good skill for me even though I couldn't care less. But being put off by it wouldn't rationalize asking for the money spent on the certificate.

 

[CJ2008]

As I understand it, the recipient *can't* sell the gift certificate on ebay/craigslist because you never gave it to them, you got your money back instead, is that right?

Right, Maria. We bought the service but we made up the GC on the computer.

I can see why someone might be curious about what the skill was...I'd rather leave that out I think, but it was something the person expressed wanting to do at one time, and showed some interest in. We thought by buying it, it may entice them into trying it.

 

[Loves Vintage]

I would simply respond "No." and leave it at that. Or perhaps: "No." and "Hope you are enjoying your [insert description of gift given.]" I really don't think there is any need for explanation beyond that.

 

[Lulie]

I would be silent about the whole thing, a gift is a gift. Geez, some people.

 

[VRBeauty]

Congratulations on getting a refund on the gift certificate - that's a major coupe!

I'd just tell the recipient no - the dinner was the gift.

You could also let the know that the gift you had intended to give them was the the special experience that you had picked especially for them, and that it has no cash value.

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks so much for all your responses, everyone.

We really were put off by them asking for this and felt really about it...that's the best way I can describe it. ETA: and and too...we had just had a nice time with them for their bday.

I would be tempted to say no and offer a very short explanation - but I think to keep the peace as much as possible (I have a feeling this person is NOT going to be happy about this) I figured it might be more effective or easier for us to say if we do give a little explanation.

Truth is none of us are looking forward to this...it just feels all around.

 

[Amys Bling]

I am getting the feeling this person may have wanted to do whatever experience this was... And them decided they would want the cash equivalent instead.... Kinda crappy. If I'm given a gift card I won't use I give it to someone who will- and leave it at that- never have I asked for the money amount to make up for that unused by me gift card.

Irregardless of what it was for- its a gift and if you aren't going to use it you don't ask for e monetary equivalent. I guess if it was for something kinda 'inappropriate' or incredibly unique and out of the ordinary- which I guess I am totally assuming from the context-Then maybe they feel weird about whatever it is... And in theory want it initially then changed their mind.


Regardless- you don't turn- put your hand put and then ask for the money equivalent.

 

[Haven]

Is this person an adult or a child? If it's a child (I feel like a teen may behave like this and not realize what a horrible thing she did,) then I'd contact her parents and just tell her about the situation, and let her know how I planned to respond. It may be a good learning opportunity, but it's the parent's place to provide the lesson of course.

If it's an adult I would respond with VR's excellent line--that you had chosen an experience as a gift, and it has no cash value. And then I'd probably have very little inclination to spend more time with this person. What a strange way for an adult to behave.

ETA:

You wrote that you *would* say no with a short explanation because you have a feeling this person is NOT going to be happy about this. In this situation, I have to say, "Who cares?!" This person is the offender in this situation, and she* is the one who should be worried about YOU being unhappy, not the other way around. I think you're being incredibly kind, but also a bit of a pushover, if you don't mind my saying so. This person has behaved badly, and you're concerned about how she's going to react when you respond to her bad behavior with a firm, "No." This seems backwards to me.

I only bring this up because this is something my DH will sometimes do, and I don't understand it. When I know I'm doing the right thing, according to my own moral/ethical/etiquette standards, then I just plain don't care if the offending person is going to have a problem with it!

 

[ame]

If someone I got a gift certificate for said they just wanted the money, they would get nothing and like it. Nothing at all. And nothing ever again. I would be pissed that I put the thought and effort into the idea and procurement, when all they "really wanted" was money. I am all for money gifts, but not in such an instance.

 

[decodelighted]

So this gift was to the BABY of the family, right? Because I can't imagine any other family member being so entitled. However - I also can't imagine cancelling the "certificate" and getting all y'alls $$ back either. We've give expensive "event" or "lesson" gifts to people before who have never gone on to use the service .... but THEY kept possession of the certificates & the loss is *theirs* by not using or selling it.

Was buying something "for their own good" more of an act of attempted control/parenting .... or a genuine, no-strings-attached G.I.F.T.?

 

[NovemberBride]

I would generally say that there is no way you should give the person the money and that their asking for it was quite rude, but your refusal to say what the gift certificate was for has me wondering whether it was something that could be viewed as offensive such as sessions with a personal trainer, membership in a weight loss program or the like. I am also confused by the fact that you didn't actually give the person the gift since you were able to get the money back? Did you actually give them a gift certificate and they gave it back to you and then you were able to cancel it, or did you say, "hey, we got you lessons/classes for ____________" and they said, "thanks, but I'm not really interested in that, could I have the $ instead?"

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks everyone so far - I appreciate everyone's insights.

To answer some questions...the person is an adult.

November - I'm not saying what the gift was to protect my own behind from someone running into this post and recognizing the players. This person didn't find the gift offensive at all.

The day we gave them the gift they were really excited about it. But about an hour or so later they DID say kind of under their breath a couple of times that they would have preferred the $ to go shopping with instead...

At the time, I thought it was really rude for them to say that but ignored it...

We registered this person for something but they did not give us the GC to use - so we made it up ourselves.

deco - well, we wanted and would have liked this person to go through with the gift because we felt it was something that would be good for them. Guess that might be considered an element of control if we were hoping they'd do it.

But we genuinely thought there was interest on their part as well. And there wasn't a feeling of "punishment" for them not doing it...that wasn't the thought process. We just didn't even think about it that much. We got our $ back, said "oh well" and moved on...and figured we'd just do a little extra for their bday.

 

[distracts]

Nah, if you give them a gift and they don't want it, you don't have to get them a second gift. Even if they give it back to you. I mean, I could ask for that with my fiance or my parents if I didn't like something they got me, but no one else. Not even my brother or my best friends. It's just so rude.

 

[mrs jam]

Based on your description of this adult's (!!!) behavior after receiving the gift, the only thing I would ever feel like giving her/him in the future is a swift kick in the bottom!

 

[yennyfire]

Good grief. I agree with everyone else. You don't owe her anything (explanation or $$).....I understand wanting to keep the peace, but she needs to open her eyes and see how wrong her behavior is.....so sorry that you're special gift has turned into such a nightmare.

 

[tammy77]

This person sounds like a greedy brat. Personally, I would make them be the one to bring it up again. Then I'd make an excuse, and let them bring it up again. Rinse and repeat. I'm passive-aggressive like that though. seriously though, I wouldn't give it a second thought. With that kind of behavior they don't deserve your time and energy.

 

[ame]

I TRULY hope that you gave this person NOTHING after you got your refund.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I really don't think this is so terrible. It sounds like an older adult who is assuming she will get the cash in lieu of the gift. VR is right. You have to tell her it was specifically a gift for that purpose and can't be exchanged for cash. While uncomfortable, its better you say it with a certain ease, as if not expecting a bad reaction from her. Be off-handed about it. Much worse things in life. She will understand when you put in those terms.


Annette

 

[Maria D]

Re-reading your original and last post, I'm kind of confused about the sequence of events. Here's my understanding: You gave the recipient a homemade gift certificate for an "experience" BEFORE his birthday. He was happy to get it at that moment, but then about an hour later mumbled something about rather having the money it costs than the experience. Then a few weeks later, right before his actual birthday, you find out he really doesn't want to learn this skill. So you and the group decide to take him out to lunch for his birthday along with a different gift, since he's not going to be using the first one. In the meantime you are able to get your money back for the "experience." At that point you took the original gift away -- a gift that he thought was his.

There's no question that his asking for money is rude and it does sound like "baby of the family" behavior. However, I do think that as gift-givers you three were doing the "enabling the baby of the family" thing. First you chipped in to spend more than you customarily would for a birthday present because, yeah he is interested in this but also because it was something you wanted him to do that you thought would be good for him (a bit patronizing here, imo). Then, when he grumbles that he'd rather have the money, instead of letting him figure it out (sell it, blow it off and treat it as a sunk-cost, or suck it up and go), you take care of it by getting your money back and giving him an alternate nice birthday gift (more than you would usually spend) with lunch. This is definitely must-make-baby-happy treatment and can certainly help those feelings of entitlement along. Just as you ignored his initial grumbling, I think you should have ignored his comment a few weeks later that he didn't want to learn that particular skill. I would have blown it off with a, oh well it's always there if you change your mind, and left it at that.

 

[CJ2008]

I finally got a chance to sit down and answer some of the things that were brought up.

Again, thanks everyone for your input...we're still conflicted over what to do.

Maria you brought up some questions so I thought I'd answer them because I'm sure they weren't too clear for anyone...

Re-reading your original and last post, I'm kind of confused about the sequence of events. Here's my understanding: You gave the recipient a homemade gift certificate for an "experience" BEFORE his birthday.

Yes - the experience was a gift for a different occasion (during which we also took them out to eat), which happened to be a few weeks before their birthday.

He was happy to get it at that moment, but then about an hour later mumbled something about rather having the money it costs than the experience. Then a few weeks later, right before his actual birthday, you find out he really doesn't want to learn this skill. So you and the group decide to take him out to lunch for his birthday along with a different gift, since he's not going to be using the first one.

Yes, a few weeks later they told me directly that they did not want to do the experience. We did not take them to eat for their bday - we just spent a little more for their gift because we now we knew they weren't going to do the "experience".

In the meantime you are able to get your money back for the "experience." At that point you took the original gift away -- a gift that he thought was his.

I guess someone could see it that way...from our perspective the gift was the experience - not the actual cash value behind it...when they didn't want to do it we didn't think of replacing that experience or gift - maybe this was partly because some time had passed since we had given them the gift.

There's no question that his asking for money is rude and it does sound like "baby of the family" behavior. However, I do think that as gift-givers you three were doing the "enabling the baby of the family" thing. First you chipped in to spend more than you customarily would for a birthday present because, yeah he is interested in this but also because it was something you wanted him to do that you thought would be good for him (a bit patronizing here, imo).

It's funny you say this because I was going to post this the other day - but with having a visitor in the house it's been hard to find the time to post. Our *biggest* mistake with this whole thing was spending more than we normally would have on the experience - if we had spent our "average" amount we would have replaced that amount exactly on the second (birthday) gift and so it would have "replaced" the other gift exactly and we would've been "done".

Although, we would have been in the same position: this person would probably still be asking about the original first gift because they couldn't be "sure" that we had replaced that $ exactly. That's why one of the things that I posted earlier that perhaps we could or should have done better: we could have explained, when we gave them their birthday gift, that because they didn't do the experience we took that $ and got them a little something extra for their birthday. If that $ had been the same amount, again, there would be no issue.

Then, when he grumbles that he'd rather have the money, instead of letting him figure it out (sell it, blow it off and treat it as a sunk-cost, or suck it up and go), you take care of it by getting your money back and giving him an alternate nice birthday gift (more than you would usually spend) with lunch. This is definitely must-make-baby-happy treatment and can certainly help those feelings of entitlement along. Just as you ignored his initial grumbling, I think you should have ignored his comment a few weeks later that he didn't want to learn that particular skill. I would have blown it off with a, oh well it's always there if you change your mind, and left it at that.

Well the thing is, we were essentially going to just let the "experience" go/expire. When the person first told me they weren't sure about doing the experience I told them they might as well do it, since it had all been set up for them.

Then after they said they didn't want to do it they asked several times whether we were going to get our $ money back for it. It was actually their prompting that got us thinking "hmmm maybe we should try to get our $ back." But we didn't answer them one way or another because we thought they were asking out of concern for us getting our $ back and if we didn't get any of it we didn't want them to feel bad. And really I guess we felt we were "done" with this gift. We got it, it didn't work out, let's see if we could get our $ back. We probably should have not gotten our $ back and we wouldn't even be going through this dilemma. Now I realize though that they were asking about the $ because they were hoping/expecting they'd get it.

Still, all that said, and with some things we could have handled better, we would still feel resentful having to replace this gift for them, especially after spending extra for their birthday.

I think Haven had asked in an earlier post why be so careful with our words and actions - I think it's because it's one of those situations where things unraveled so differently than we intended. And we were trying to be tactful perphaps 1. we left the possibility that maybe we could have done some things better and were trying to see it from their perspective 2. to minimize a blow-up or a confrontation.

I think it didn't help things that this person was not too tactful. I think what is making it somewhat "terrible" for us Annette is that the tone/manner in which they asked for the $ for the gift was not really that great...I think at one point someone told them we couldn't get our $ back and they questioned it as in well why wouldn't you get your $ back if I'm not doing the experience?

For all these reasons we feel resentful and we don't want to "replace" the gift. But I guess the question is what is the right thing to do regardless of how we feel...

 

[Maria D]

CJ2008 wrote: But I guess the question is what is the right thing to do regardless of how we feel...

CJ, the more you explain this situation the worse this person's behavior looks. I was just ruminating on the dynamics of the situation because, hey it's summer and I've got time on my hands. In no way did you do anything wrong! This person has gone from bratty (grumbling about a gift) to being beyond the pale rude, imo. Honestly, I think at this point the very best thing you can do is give a simple statement (not explanation or apology) that no, he won't be getting the returned gift money. Period. I wouldn't even go into "the experience" was the gift, not the money. No one is entitled to an explanation of a birthday gift they did or didn't get, gifts are not obligatory! At this point, I think that trying to assuage his disappointment in any way is just going to feed his feelings of entitlement. Think of it as a new experience gift: a lesson in sucking it up and growing up!

 

[CJ2008]

tammy - it's tempting to never say anything about it again (believe me!) - but we just don't want this hanging over our heads. It's just not a good feeling.

yenny - I'm hoping they are also doubting themselves much like we are. So I'm happy I reached out here instead of replying to them right away because I'm hoping not hearing from us is giving them some time to reflect. Thanks for saying that about our special gift.

mrs jam - thanks for the laugh. There are moments when that's exactly what we feel like doing.

distracts - I think we felt that way (that we didn't have to replace it) because it was an "experience" rather than an actual physical gift. Had it been a physical gift we may have felt more inclined to replace it. I think.

 

[CJ2008]

Maria I so much appreciate you ruminating on the dynamics of the situation! It forced me to consider things I may not have otherwise.

I think we're going to do exactly that...

I don't expect this person to be too thrilled about it, either...but like you said, it's a lesson in growing up. (I'll be 70 and still needing this lesson, BTW - I'm an avoider when it comes to confrontation.)

Thanks every one (you too, Ame, LV, Lulie, VR, Amy!) I hope I didn't forget anyone else.

 

[Haven]

This reminds me of a line my FIL always says:
When you do something nice for someone, make sure you charge them enough so that they remember you did it.


I always thought it was a terribly negative thing to say, but now I'm guessing my FIL has had some experiences similar to yours, CJ!

I agree with Maria, and I hope it goes well when you tell this person "No money, honey!"

 

[qtiekiki]

I am kind of curious as to the relations of the gift givers and the recipient because I want to know why you have to tippy toe around this person. You (the gift givers) are resentful, but yet you still want to make things right? I personally don't think you owe them anything. She returned the gift, rejecting the experience/course. That's her choice. She doesn't get something else in exchange.

 

[decodelighted]

On the flip side, here's a story about how Merrill Markoe realized her mother was a narcissist. Her mom offered to take her shopping for her birthday, made her try on a million ridiculous tacky things and then got very angry when Merrill wanted a simple blazer. (The only thing Merrill really "needed" and liked in the store). After pouting, stalling & then resentfully buying the blazer, her mom snapped "HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GET ANY JOY OUT OF BUYING YOU SOMETHING *I* DON'T LIKE!??!!"