Wedding getting married w/ divorced parents

[mimzy]

i know that at least a few of you out there that are planning a wedding have divorced parents, and i''m curious as to how it''s going for you all.

my parents have been divorced for almost 16 years and are both remarried. they get along and tolerate each other pretty well, but i feel that there is still animosity on my mom''s side, as she isn''t my dad and stepmom''s biggest fan. other than that they are just really different people and have different ideas of what a wedding should be.

when we started wedding planning i was really nervous about balancing the whole thing between the two sets of parents, as i''m really close to both my mom (and stepdad) and my stepmom and dad. so far things have been....pretty good. lately there have been projects when collaboration was necessary and parties and such, and there haven''t been any confrontations or anything (that i know of).

but it hasn''t been totally smooth either.... when we were trying to come up with the guest list my mom was really put off because we gave more invites to my dad to invite his friends/extended family (he was contributing more), i couldn''t invite my stepmom to go dress shopping (my mom was a bit territorial), and my dad has gotten upset that i haven''t involved them as much as i should. at times it''s been really overwhelming and the double doses of opinions have gotten really old. there was one point that i had to just say that going between them was ruining the experience for me, and that i was doing the best i could. it''s not so bad now, but i still have to figure out things like how to include my stepdad during the wedding day without stepping on my dads toes, figure out a way for my stepmom to help me get ready along with my mom, and stuff like that


has anyone else had issues like these? how have you handled it? i can''t be alone in this!!

 

[neatfreak]

My DH's parents are divorced and one is remarried. But there is still animosity between them. And you know what? On the wedding day you would have never known it. Snarky remarks were made by my MIL both prior and after, but on the day of, they both were able to put everything aside for the wedding. We just made sure they were seated in a way so that they couldn't see each other.

For the invites and such we just put "C & A together with their parents", which didn't name names, but also didn't exclude my DH's stepfather. We also made sure he was included in the thank you speech at the reception.

As for the two opinions, that happened with my mom and MIL. So I just did the same thing twice sometimes. I went to see my dress at the salon twice. Once with MIL and once with my mom. Might be a bit of a PITA, but if it'll make people happy I am all for going a bit out of your way ya know?

 

[diamondringlover]

My husband parents are divorced and my FIL was remarried, my MIL is pretty much a witch and things got really hairy a couple of times, especially during the pictures, we tried to keep them as far as part as possible

 

[marchswallowbird]

My parents are divorced and even though my father has been remarried for 35 years, my mother has never forgiven him for having an affair, or my stepmom for being a homewrecker (yes, she broke up my parent's marriage). My mother remains very bitter and will barely say a civil word to him, and pretty much completely ignores my stepmom.

My situation is different because I'm in my 40s and the parents are not involved in the wedding except for showing up on the day of. I am according both parents the respect they deserve, but nobody is inviting anyone except FI and me, and I've gone dress shopping either by myself or with my best friend. I'm getting ready by myself or with my sister (MOH), the fewer people in the room the better! I'm not doing a whole big getting ready thing that will be photographed.

At the wedding, I am being sensitive re: seating them apart and all the rest, but they are going to be at a small wedding in close proximity to each other and they are going to have to deal with it. They are all adults, and I cannot control how they behave. If they want to make asses out of themselves, fine. I truly do not think they will; I think they will all rise to the occasion and be on their best behavior for this one day, but if they're not, I'm not going to let it ruin my wedding.

 

[lliang_chi]

Marchswallowbird, Sorry your parents are making your wedding a tough-y but I think you have the right attitude. And I''m sure they really love you and will be happy that you''re so happy on your wedding day. I hope everything turns out fine.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Liang chi, thank you so much, but my parents aren't making my wedding a toughy. Quite the contrary, it's great to be able to plan everything on my own. I guess I worded my previous message in a confusing way. To clarify, I'm doing everything on my own because I've been independent for 27 years and I have no need (or want) of parental help to plan my wedding. So my situation is different than Mimzy's, who wants her parents to be involved in the planning but is having a tough time figuring out how to be fair to all the parents and step-parents.

To which I say, you did the right thing, Mimzy, in telling your parents that they were making things confusing and difficult for you and that you were doing the best you can. Keep sending that message. I think your parents want to do the right thing, but are sensitive. Once they see you aren't playing favorites, it should all work out.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My half sister was in a similar situation when she planned her 2006 wedding...without getting to deep into the details, she handled things with absolutely no class--and ended up breaking the relationship she had with my father over who was going to pay for the flowers to go into the centerpieces--our father (mutual) was paying for the whole wedding, save the centerpieces which her stepfather and mother offered to pay for...however, come to find out weeks later, that when they said "centerpieces" they only meant covering the rental fee for the vases

. So, more or less, because our Dad said that they should live up to the commitment and cover the centerpiece entirely, my sister uninvited our Dad, didn''t include his name on the invitation but acknowledged her stepfather nor did she use her maiden last name, and they haven''t spoken since (aside from the e-mail she sent a week before my wedding, but, whatever.)

Wedding are so emotional for the brides family regardless of outside issues...giving a daughter away is a huge thing for a family. Everyone is probably viewing this time as sacred and special...and biding for your time and attention is only natural...but regardless, I''m sorry you''re feeling spread thin. And, it''s my personal belief that, for that one day, it''s okay for step-parents to take to take a step back, or be copilots and really let the biological parents "feel" the day and have that moment--because, it''s a big one for them.

The fact of the matter is, you can never please 100% of the people 100% of the time. When there are rifts in a family, esspecially surrounding parents and coparents, someone will always feel left out. So in the end, all you can do, is all you can. Your wedding, and esspecially your wedding day should be all about you, and I am hopeful that your parents (all 4 of them, because I definately include step parents in the mix) find a way to put aside their personal feelings to focus in on that fact.

Prehaps you could ask your step father to do a special reading at the ceremony that reflects his role in your life...or, ask him to do a toast instead of a blessing at the reception? Your stepmom could easily spend part of the morning/afternoon with you, and your Mom could spend the other part. Or, you could lay down stiff guidelines ahead of time telling both Mom''s that they are warmly invited but they must shelf their personal differences for that one day.

I wish you the best, this can''t be the easiest...but you seem to be handling yourself with grace and class, which is most important

 

[appletini]

I felt it silly to be given away and I''m not close my dad and had my grandma walk me down the aisle. But what we did do was include a part in the ceremony where our families stood up and gave us away to each other...I''d have to look through my files to find the actual wording, but I think it was much more meaining and special the way we did it.

 

[dcgator]

Mimzy,

I feel your pain. Both my fiance and I have divorced AND remarried parents, so we have 4 sets of parents. And some people think one set is a PITA, AHHH! On my end, I am not close with my real father, and really consider my mom and step-dad my parents. However, for his own purposes of impressing certain people, my father will be contributing some funds. Although not as much as my mom and step-dad, it is still sizeable enough that we can''t go without it.

While I don''t have to worry about the step-mom wanting to be included, I am very nervous about the walking down the aisle part. Who are you going to have? I would love to have my step-dad walk me down, since he has been with us since I was about 8, but I know if I do that, my dad would refuse to pay for anything? QUITE the dilemma, which really stresses me out.

Any suggestions are happily accepted...

Regarding other details, we have had to deal with his 2 sets of parents about what they will contribute for the rehersal dinner and that is really stressful for my fiance. But, I think he may just end up paying for some of it.

For your issues, I think that you said the best thing you could. I am sure that neither of your parents want to make you feel badly and letting them know that clearly helped out. I hope that they continue to "behave" and remember that this is your day.

Good luck and let me know how it plays out...

 

[bootsiekin]

Hi mimzy,

If nothing else maybe I can also contribute to making you feel as though it could be worse!

My dad passed away last year, and since then my stepmom has gone a bit nuts and even has a live-in boyfriend. My dad was fairly wealthy, but my stepmom did not offer to help either me or my sister (her wedding is in Dec.) with our weddings, or even so much as ask if she could do anything to help or ask how was the planning coming. I am not very close with her, but my sister was. She showed up at my wedding, and when she saw that she wasnt listed in the program under parents of the bride, she left before the ceremony was even over and according to my stepcousin, took the card she had for us with her. (she had already said ahead of time that she was not coming to the reception) I just didnt think it was fair to list her in the program on the same "level" as my mom who paid for about half of the wedding (and of course was involved in all the activities) when she never even so much as breathed a word about the wedding to me. Now she is threatening not to come to my sisters wedding if her name isnt in the program. I feel like if you want to be listed as a parent, then you need to act like one!!

Anyway...I digress..

I also did the "together with their parents" invitation wording..and of course in your situation I would have listed both sets of parents in the program.

It sounds like your parents and stepparents seem to be fairly reasonable people (unlike mine!). If you think they would listen, I would explain to them that you love each of them and it is important to you that they all participate, and ask them do they feel that they can do that along side eachother for the sake of your special day? If they cant, then work out how each can contribute in their own way..but just like they probably divided up time with you when you were younger, they will have to chose between dividing time during the wedding events or just be mature about the whole thing. I think Italia''s comment is right on - (which is what my mom told me when I was upset about my stepmoms reaction) - the day is about you, and they should be the ones to work out how they are going to handle this to make the day the best possible for you.

Good luck!

 

[pjean]

Oh, lord... my biggest worry about the wedding. My parents are divorced and my father is remarried (to "that woman", according to my mother, which may tell you something about their current relationship).

It could be worse - they have actually now exchanged words a couple of times without the world ending or anyone screaming. It took 10 years, but at least it happened. However, my mother said for years that she wouldn''t be coming to my wedding if my father came. My father says, smugly, that he has no problem with my mother coming, she''s the one being difficult. Makes me want to smack them both!

My mother''s been talked into coming, although I will likely be paying for her trip and for two of her friends. I''m trying to adopt Marchswallow''s attitude about the actual wedding (neither of them is particularly interested in the planning details, fortunately). Maybe I''ll print out your post and tape it to my desk.

 

[doodle]

at my wedding were my mother and her FI, my father and his wife, my mom''s second husband and his wife, and my dad''s second wife. that''s a total of seven parental units. plus all of their parents who are still living, and all of my parents'' children (i have seven siblings, whether step, half, or fully sharing my dna). we had one snafu with all of them throughout the whole process: our wedding venue witch (i refuse to call her a coordinator because she did no such thing...i''ll henceforth call her my wedding uncoordinator) got everyone mixed up, so she made my mom''s FI move out of his seat, thus leaving my mother to sit with my father and his new wife, which was a little awkward since the uncoordinator also sent my mother and my father''s wife down the aisle in the wrong order, so everyone who didn''t know my parents closely thought my mom and dad were the ones who were married and had no clue who my stepmother was. there''s also a really funny picture from the reception where, by sheer coincidence, my father wound up standing around talking to my mom, my stepmom, and my former stepmom. my former stepmom realized how funny it was, grabbed a friend of mine with a camera, and said "you MUST take a picture of Maggi''s father with the ex-wives club!" dad looks embarrassed, mom and former stepmom are cracking up (they''re pretty good friends now), and my stepmom just looks confused, haha!

ANYWAY, the point of all that was: you have a lot of people who love you. chances are pretty good that, on your wedding day, they''ll get along as best they can...just make sure your coordinator knows who everyone is and what their role is!

for the stepdad, give him his own dance at the reception, or give him a poem to read during the ceremony. if you''re worried about mom and stepmom getting along during the getting ready process, you could ask one of them to take care of some detail and alternate who''s helping and who''s observing. as in, your mom helps you get in your dress, your stepmom helps you put on your veil, etc. if things get awkward or tense, ask one of them if they can go check on ____ for you so they''ll be separated for a little while. if you have to do this more than once, alternate who you send to go check on ____. good luck! and don''t worry too much--if they''ve gotten along relatively well so far, they should be fine on the day of!

 

[mimzy]

neatfreak - i''m glad that your DH''s parents were able to suck it up and put their animosity aside the day of your wedding. we did the same thing...put ''together with their parents stefan and alexis blah blah blah" on our invites just to avoid having a million names on the invite. i also did the multiple visits to the bridal salon, multiple cake tastings, etc (not that i was complaining about that part of course) and while it turned out fine, it was a little more time consuming and stressful than it normally would have been (i suspect), but you''re right, it made people happy so it was worth it

diamondrnglover eek! i hope they were able to behave with distance between them at least!

marchswallowbird i''m sorry that there are still so many hard feelings between your parents. my mom was/is in a similar situation as your mom and that''s where her bitter feelings come from (which is understandable). i''m glad at least that you don''t have to necessarily deal with them as part of the planning process and that you''re confident that they''ll behave on the wedding day. and yes, definitely don''t let it ruin your day! and i agree that my parents ultimately want to do the best thing, but i think that they just have their limits about what they are willing to do in terms of cooperation. but i still have hope that they will surprise me!

italia ICK! I am so sorry that your half sister put your dad through that, i can''t imagine how hurtful that must have been for him

. and i agree that step parents should be understanding and take a back seat to bioparents, but neither of my stepparents have daughters and i can''t imagine actually slighting or discluding them the day of. i''ve asked them both to be greeters at the ceremony, and i''m thinking of doing a half-dance with my stepdad at the reception (come halfway in during FI''s dance w/ his mom). and i guess as both a blessing and a curse, none of my parents are openly hostile to the other - instead they will just say something to ME and i''m supposed to deal with it and work around it. hopefully i''ll have the guts to stand up to them and tell them that i''m going to do what i want the day of and that they need to respect that (to an extent of course).

appletini that''s great that your grandma walked you down the aisle! and i was thinking of doing something sort of similar, or at the very least, give all of them a hug and kiss before my dad handed me off.

dcgator that is a LOT of parents

- i don''t think i would be able to handle it! I''m having my dad walk me down the aisle, as we have always been close. do you think that you could talk to your dad about maybe sharing the duty and having them both walk you down? or maybe having your stepdad walk you down, but then at the end your dad stands up and gives you away with your stepdad? (or maybe vice verse) hopefully your dad will be understanding.....and i really hope you can talk to him to feel him out before you make any decisions that causes him to refuse to help

. and hopefully your future in laws can work it out amongst themselves and stop stressing your FI out

. and good luck to you too!

bootsiekin that''s just downright awful! do you still have a relationship with her? i''m sorry that you had to have that experience, hopefully it didn''t taint our day too much. and you''re right, my parents are reasonable and i really do hope that they all take the high road.

pjean yeah....so is my dad. i''m really sorry that your mom threatened not to come, and i REALLY hope for you that she comes without a fuss (although that''s pretty sad that you have to pay for her and her friends....i''m so sorry

). hopefully she''ll snap out of it and realize it is about you and your FI, and that your wedding isn''t the places for grudges. best of luck!

doodle whoa! that''s quite the family. i''m sorry you had such a crappy coordinator, but your stories did make me giggle

. and you are so right - it''s just more people to love and that love me, which i am really thankful for. i think i''m going to do the dance thing at the reception (or at least half of a dance), as we already have two readers for the ceremony. and that''s a good idea about alternating detail stuff....if i can find a way to break it to my mom ahead of time that might just work perfectly.

 

[pjean]

Date: 11/12/2008 9:00:32 AM
Author: mimzy

appletini that''s great that your grandma walked you down the aisle! and i was thinking of doing something sort of similar, or at the very least, give all of them a hug and kiss before my dad handed me off.

That''s kind of a neat idea, actually. Not hugging your various parents, but having sort of an official hug. I may steal that, since I''m not having anyone give me away.