Frustrated.

[bubbly1126]

Ladies, I need your help!

I'm getting very frustrated with FF. It seems that he NEVER wants to do anything. I mean, EVER. I know things are expensive and we really need to be saving right now but we never ever do anything together except sit home and do whatever. I sometimes ask if he'd wanna go to the bar with some friends, just to sit and talk and maybe have a beer or two and he always says no. I suggest going bowling, he turns it down. Every winter I've asked him if we could go ice skating. In the 6 years we've been together, have we gone? No. No matter what it is, he just never seems too into it. I know he says he's tired from work and such BUT it seems as though whenever a friend of his asks to go to the bar or do whatever, he's all gung-ho about it. (And 99% of the time, I don't join them... b/c I'm the type of person who won't go somewhere unless I'm specifically invited.)

It really makes me feel like I'm just not enough fun or something. I've told him SEVERAL times how this hurts my feelings b/c he always shoots me down and he'll half-a$$ apologize and say next time we'll do something or something along those lines.

Does it ever get better? No.

I'm seriously at my wits end... I even went as far as to call him an old man the other day and he got so mad at me... but come on, we're 24. He can't muster up a little energy to go and do something fun with the woman he loves so much?

I am so excited to finally be getting really close to a proposal but at the same time, I'm so frustrated that it makes me second guess marrying someone who doesn't even want to do anything with me.

Grr.

 

[KCCutie]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I want to tell you of course it gets better.... In general all relationships have little ups and downs. This is just a down time and the up is just around the corner!

If it makes you feel better my SO went through the same sort of fuddy-duddy pahse recently when he finally decided to talk with me aboit it all it turns out he was a little freaked out by the whole commitiment thing and had been over thinking lately. We talked and he got a chance to put things in prespective and he's been back to his usual loveable self ever since. I find that men in general will get kinda quite and sulky when they are thinking about things so give him some space and be supportive and when he ready to talk try to be re-assuring.

***BIG HUGS***

 

[iheartscience]

Does he give you a reason why he doesn''t want to do anything with you? I would really not be okay with that. What''s the point of being together if you guys don''t do anything together? It''s basically like just having a roommate who does his own thing.

I would think long and hard about marrying someone who doesn''t seem to want to spend time with you...sorry to sound so negative.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/17/2008 10:18:28 PM
Author: thing2of2
Does he give you a reason why he doesn''t want to do anything with you? I would really not be okay with that. What''s the point of being together if you guys don''t do anything together? It''s basically like just having a roommate who does his own thing.


I would think long and hard about marrying someone who doesn''t seem to want to spend time with you...sorry to sound so negative.

Gotta agree. As a general rule, things get more fuddy duddy when you get married, so this is not a good sign. And when the sex starts getting less frequent? Girl, you''d be better off with a roommate because at least you won''t have high expectations.

I''m not sure what is going on with you and your BF, but don''t let the excitement of a impending proposal cloud your judgment that you might be getting engaged to the wrong guy. Marriage is usually done with the intention of forever. Do you really want to spend forever this way?

 

[bubbly1126]

The only reason he ever gives is that he''s tired. He does work early in the morning and such but gets home earlier in the day and has time to relax for a few hours before I even get home. Granted, he does work overtime here and there but still, life is short! We need to go out and do whatever we can while we can, ya know?

He''s always maintained it''s not that there''s an issue with me or anything. Just, like I said, that he''s tired. I just get so upset when I ask to do something outside of the house together and I seem to always get shot down but if someone else asks, he''s all for it. (I''m sure it''s not all the time but it''s enough that really upsets me!)

And no, to answer your question TravelingGal, I don''t want to spend my life with someone who doesn''t want to spend time with me.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 12/17/2008 10:22:51 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/17/2008 10:18:28 PM
Author: thing2of2
Does he give you a reason why he doesn''t want to do anything with you? I would really not be okay with that. What''s the point of being together if you guys don''t do anything together? It''s basically like just having a roommate who does his own thing.


I would think long and hard about marrying someone who doesn''t seem to want to spend time with you...sorry to sound so negative.

Gotta agree. As a general rule, things get more fuddy duddy when you get married, so this is not a good sign. And when the sex starts getting less frequent? Girl, you''d be better off with a roommate because at least you won''t have high expectations.

I''m not sure what is going on with you and your BF, but don''t let the excitement of a impending proposal cloud your judgment that you might be getting engaged to the wrong guy. Marriage is usually done with the intention of forever. Do you really want to spend forever this way?

Quoted for truth.

 

[Haven]

Do you ask him when he''s already in fuddy-duddy mode (I''m thinking: in sweatpants sprawled out on the couch), or do you ask him when he''s fully awake and energetic? If he declines under the former circumstances, I''d say perhaps you should work on your time, but if it''s the latter, then maybe you should talk to him about it.

Or, maybe you two just don''t like to do the same things. Have you asked him what he wants to do, or do you always just propose a specific activity? If I asked my husband right now to go to the bookstore with me, get some hot cocoa, and read together he would respond that he is extremely tired and must go to sleep soon. However, if I asked him to go catch a horror flick or go for a bike ride, I''m pretty sure he''d be all for it.

If it really is just that he is never interested in hanging out with you but he is interested in going out with other people, then we have a problem.

I''m sorry this is going on. I hope you can find a solution soon.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

just to offer a different perspective - i know for me personally i rather spend time at home with my FI then go out to a bar... we love eating out, shopping and going to the movies but we don''t usually go to a bar and drink unless we are meeting friends... it''s not that i don''t love my FI or have fun with him, quite the contrary, but most days we are exhausted from a long week and prefer to chill at home... i don''t personally think this is a huge problem... some people are just more home bound...

 

[swingirl]

What about on the weekends and when something is pre-planned? I can understand being tired after work but if he''s using that as an excuse, that''s another story. What happens if you say, "Let''s go to the movies next Saturday." He can''t possible say he''s tired.

 

[trillionaire]

What you may be encountering is different definitions of fun and/or relaxing. Different people have different needs, and they change over time. Perhaps you could try suggesting a ''date night'' or ''night out'' and ask him to pick the place. I know that with my SO, the more advance notice, the better, as he likes his routine, even if I think it is boring. You could also start out with activities that you can do at home. For instance, SO and I have a SalsaCrazy DVD set, which we can do at home. For him, it facilitates his need to not be scrutinized by strangers while he is learning, and for me, it lets me do something more social than sitting around. And it is a TON of fun after a few glasses of wine or margaritas/tequila

Try letting him know that it is important for you to be more social than you all have been, and let him come up with suggestion. Or suggest something that is ''guy oriented'', like a car show. (then when you are there, plan your next date which is more ''your style'') If that fails, you are going to have to go out solo. DO NOT sit around the house just because he is. Either he will miss you and want to go with you more, or you will really see what you are in for in the future...

 

[that_someone_special]

Have you considered depression? I have been like that. One day, I want to see people, shop, go out to the bar.. and the next, I literally want to sit in bed. That''s it....

 

[laughwithme]

I agree with some of the other posters that this is important to figure out pre-marriage because it''s not gonna improve post-marriage.

I remember when I first started dating B, I went through a very similar thing. Some guys are more the "indoor" type - TV, video games, online, etc. It sounds like you (and me) are more the "get out and do something" type - see a movie, walk through the park, build a snowman, whatever. My mom was convinced we wouldn''t last because of that personality difference. I became determined to find the good in it, and the fact is, opposites attract - you two can complement each other in that way.

The thing that concerns me about your situation is that you try to talk to him, and he is unwilling to try and work it out, and do these things which would mean so much to you. You''ve asked him to ice skate for 6 years and he has never agreed? Ouch, I would be livid and so hurt. It''s ICE SKATING! Who doesn''t like to ICE SKATE?? I know you''ve talked to him, but it seems like it''s time for a "come over here, sit down, I need to talk because this is a much bigger issue than you seem to get" talk. I would tell him that truly, this is affecting you, your relationship, and you need to know WHY he is so adamently against everything you want to do outside of the house/apartment. Is it money? Is it energy? Does he think your ideas are boring?

Can you two compromise - maybe get him to promise that once per week, he will go with your suggestion? And then build up slowly?

Keep us updated. I feel for you because I''m dating a guy who is the same way, but he has been very receptive when I express concerns to him about it and he has actually started enjoying going out to do stuff. I hope you two work it out.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I think it could possibly be stress and depression.... I would check with a doctor and see if its that...

 

[J-in-B]

This may seem like an odd question. But is he, by any chance, a police officer?

 

[bubbly1126]

I thank you all so much for your input and advice.

I talked with him last night again and he's assured me that it's not me. He finds things I want to do fun but he's really worried about money and also, like he said before, just tired in general. But the bigger issue of the two is money.

I understand where he is coming from but I'm the live for the moment kind of person. I don't ever spend a lot of money and never ever do I spend money on myself (he has to actually make me) b/c I just feel guilty about spending so much on myself. Anyway, as I was saying, I like to go out and do whatever I want to do at that moment b/c you're always going to have those bills to pay tomorrow. They are always going to be there. You might as well enjoy each day as much as you can, you know? I know money is tight for everyone these days but you only live once and I want to enjoy this life with him.

Anyway, he said he'd work on it. And he doesn't mean to make me feel like my ideas aren't good enough or he doesn't want to spend time with me b/c that's not the case at all. I'm glad we talked about it and I actually feel like he did care about what I was saying.

Good news: Today when I came home from work he suggested we go to NYC this Saturday! Yay! So perhaps we'll go ice skating too! Hehe.

Oh, and someone asked if he was a police officer... No, he is not... but he works in a prison. He was a Corrections Officer and left that position b/c it really got to him... but he still works at the prison and has to deal with a lot of the issues he did when he was a CO. His job stresses him b/c well, it's a state job and you basically get sh*t on a lot... so I know he's upset about work a lot. But it's stability and he won't leave. And I can't blame him. Most people would love a stable job right now.

 

[kimmels]

Yippee! I loooove skating! I hope you have a blast, whatever you do! Very romantic (is this possibly suspicious activty?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 12/17/2008 10:22:51 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/17/2008 10:18:28 PM
Author: thing2of2
Does he give you a reason why he doesn''t want to do anything with you? I would really not be okay with that. What''s the point of being together if you guys don''t do anything together? It''s basically like just having a roommate who does his own thing.


I would think long and hard about marrying someone who doesn''t seem to want to spend time with you...sorry to sound so negative.

Gotta agree. As a general rule, things get more fuddy duddy when you get married, so this is not a good sign. And when the sex starts getting less frequent? Girl, you''d be better off with a roommate because at least you won''t have high expectations.

I''m not sure what is going on with you and your BF, but don''t let the excitement of a impending proposal cloud your judgment that you might be getting engaged to the wrong guy. Marriage is usually done with the intention of forever. Do you really want to spend forever this way?

I agree as well.

As for him being tired all the time - my hubby likes to give this excuse when it comes to baby care. I finally did the dump and run and he found out the hard way that taking care of a little one is exhausting. Sure, your FF may work hard at work, but so do you! Try approaching him on a weekend or when he''s had some rest and see if his attitude changes. Good luck!

Diva

 

[J-in-B]

Date: 12/18/2008 7:02:58 PM
Author: inhisarms17
Oh, and someone asked if he was a police officer... No, he is not... but he works in a prison. He was a Corrections Officer and left that position b/c it really got to him... but he still works at the prison and has to deal with a lot of the issues he did when he was a CO. His job stresses him b/c well, it''s a state job and you basically get sh*t on a lot... so I know he''s upset about work a lot. But it''s stability and he won''t leave. And I can''t blame him. Most people would love a stable job right now.

Ahh, close enough.

I just asked because it sounded too familiar. The job that drains him of all energy, so he doesn''t want to get off the couch. The energy boost when another (LEO) friend wants to go get a beer with him (and he''ll have the opportunity to talk shop).

I guess that''s similar in other criminal justice related occupations.

I am glad you guys seem to work things out. I know where you are coming from. Been there, done that. You will have to deal with it, but you won''t have to live with it. It looks like you guys are on the right track!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 12/18/2008 9:34:45 PM
Author: kimmels
Yippee! I loooove skating! I hope you have a blast, whatever you do! Very romantic (is this possibly suspicious activty?

Nope, not suspicious activity...

At least I didn''t think it was until you just asked!!! haha!

 

[bubbly1126]

Thank you all for your advice, input and own personal stories. I truly do appreciate it! Hopefully we''ll be able to work on this and everything will be great!