frustrated with teacher

[Cehrabehra]

ugggghhhhh I spent about 30 minutes crying in the principal''s office today.... my middle son''s teacher just snapped (mildly, but still) and it just hit me all wrong. Things did not go well at the beginning of the year... I tried to ''warn'' his first teacher about him and she had NOTHING but negative things to say even on the first day of school (he''s in 2nd grade) over things that are just... like not being silent in line in the halls - the school is very militant and we spent the first 7 years of ''my'' elementary education at a different school with a very mellow and warm and personable principal who led a very open and dynamic school. anyway.... after 3 days the teacher rejected him and moved him to another class and he was so bummed and there were reasons other than he, but let''s just assume my child is a horrible awful child that no teacher would ever want. So he was moved into Mrs. S''s class and slowly things got better.... communication began to open up and improve and finally a couple weeks ago I let her know I was available to volunteer (at the old school I was there 1-2 days a week and very active in different groups etc. but at this school the start of the year was so horrible I avoided entering the school at all costs for much of the year). So I''ve been there all of twice and both times she''s given me over 2 hours worth of laminating/cutting busy work to do in the work room and I''ve done it well and she''s heaped the praise etc. Well, they''re doing this major project/speech thing and I had some questions about it so I wrote her a note yesterday and asked her to call me and she never did. So I went today, she handed me 2 hours worth of work and I mention to her that I need to talk to her about his presentation (he has some video) and so she comes to me after I''ve worked about an hour and we talk for maybe 3 minutes and she goes.... and I stay after school is out to finish the work and I go to her classroom, drop it off and have my son get his backpack and then we''re walking up to the front to go to the bookfair and we happen to pass in the hall and stop to talk for just a second that I put them on her desk etc. and she mentions something and I mention something and within about 15 seconds we''re talking about my son''s math and his timed tests and we obviously disagree about an issue and I start to say that we can discuss it later and she says to me that if I am just going to come to volunteer at the school on tuesdays so I can corner her and chastize her about how she is handling his math then this just isn''t going to work out at all. I was FLOORED! First of all I don''t come there to spent over 2 hours so I can corner her in the freaking hallway for a 2 minute chastize. Pffft. I''d do that for free after school without coming in at all @@ So I looked at her and said "we don''t need to talk about this now, and if you prefer we don''t need to talk about this at all" and she said okay, sounds good. I was floored AGAIN! What the hell? You don''t tell a parent you don''t wish to discuss their child''s work. You say I can''t NOW but geeeez. So she looked at me and said "what are you going to do?" and I said, well apparently I am going to end this conversation and she said okay and walked away. I was floored yet AGAIN. Now.... normally I would write a pissed off letter and give her a piece or two of my mind, but a) this school has me COWED and my boys want to go there because it is so close and all it does is bring back the most horrible ADHD traumas of my own youth and I hate the school. I just do. I have tried to love it and be understanding and kind but this was just over the top. Now, the kicker. My son''s teacher''s father is actively dying of uncurable cancer that was just found out about in the last month and he lives very far away and she can''t be with him until the end of the year and I know she''s trying to keep a strong face and I know she''s battling a lot of pain and I really want to tell myself that she has other things going on and her reaction was just one of being frustrated and overwhelmed and maybe even feeling *safe* with me to push me like that because we really have gotten very friendly (we had a really nice talk about losing parents last week) and she just couldn''t take the time or emotional space to have a disagreement over "timed tests" in math even if I was saying we could discuss it later. So I am telling myself that she has her issues and how she spoke to me was so ridiculous it must be something she''s feeling that doesn''t even involve me. But on the other hand there is how I feel and I feel absolutely shoved once again out of my son''s educational space and rejected by someone I thought I had a working or even good rapport with. The mama in me feels so strongly that this environment is way too militant for my middle child and he will always feel not good enough. But he wants to be there, its a block away and he likes that the playground is covered LOL i''m just frustrated. I don''t mind people being grumpy with me if I can confront it, work through it, and emerge with inside jokes or at least a good laugh... but I don''t feel like I can confront her and yet I feel like if I don''t the next 6 weeks of school are going to be painful at best. I mean I don''t want to go to conferences on thursday - and if I go how the hell can I smile at her and play nothing''s wrong? I hate phoneyness (sp?) more than just about anything else in people and yet sometimes its all you can do in yourself to get through something. I just don''t know what to do. I want to write her a note that just says:

Mrs. S,
I wanted to let you know that I feel incredibly hurt by the comments you made to me in the hallway today. It has never been my motivation to help you for over 2 hours at the school just so I can corner you and chastize you for 2 minutes in the hallway after school. In order to avoid any discomfort, I will not be volunteering in your classroom for the duration of the year and I will refrain from discussing anything regarding Bxxxxxx''s education outside of his IEP meeting in 2 weeks. I understand that you have more pressing issues that you are dealing with right now and I don''t wish to add to this for you, so I am not expecting any conflict resolution regarding this. But I also needed to make clear to you how I feel. I wish you the best, and I mean that sincerely. May you find peace and strength in the coming months, as you know that is my wish for you.
Sara

I hope it doesn''t sound patronizing - I sincerely wish the best for her but I''m still on the verge of tears and I just feel so hurt and rejected and OFFENDED by what she said. Ugh. Thoughts? Be gentle please...

 

[iheartscience]

Well, I don''t have kids, just kitties, but I think the teacher was incredibly out of line to talk to you in that manner. It does sound like she''s feeling overwhelmed with work/life and she took it out on you. I think the letter you wrote is very appropriate and I would definitely give it to her.

I''m sorry you''re dealing with this! I really dislike needless conflict and I absolutely hate it when people take things out on other people instead of dealing with their emotions and problems themselves.

 

[divergrrl]

Geez Sara...I''d love to know what school that is. I take it you have your kids in a private school? Woweeee. That teacher was being too defensive. You should be able to talk to her, but I think you are right, she''s battling something bigger. You got her on the wrong day. all

If it were me, I''d keep track of your communication with her & if it worsens, go see the principal. If you kids really love the school & are actively learning, that is the most important thing.

vent away if it makes you feel better....

Diver

 

[crown1]

in the interest of your son i would leave it alone. there are only six weeks left. i would swallow my hurt feelings and not confront her. if your son is being hurt someway that is different but if it is just your feelings he doesn''t need to have to deal with the fallout. she probably needs space i would give it to her as long as she is doing her job with the kids.

 

[crown1]

in the interest of your son i would leave it alone. there are only six weeks left. i would swallow my hurt feelings and not confront her. if your son is being hurt someway that is different but if it is just your feelings he doesn't need to have to deal with the fallout. she probably needs space i would give it to her as long as she is doing her job with the kids.

eta: sorry for the double post. don't know what happened. please remove if possible. thanks!

 

[belle]

i agree with crown1 on this. i would leave it alone. it really does sound like she is overwhelmed and it sounds like your son is happy and thriving at school, so there is no need to add to her burden by telling her how hurt you were. going through the trouble of pointing out that a few hurtful words were spoken out of an overwhelming sense of burdening frustration would not help the situation. be happy that you have your health and your family and let this go.

 

[lumpkin]

First of all, HUGS. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and I truly feel your pain.

I would be really hurt and angry, too. It''s wise for you to consider the source and her personal difficulties, because I''m SURE they are devastating her. I would really hate to be in a position where a loved one was elsewhere dying and I couldn''t go to him. A part of her is sure to resent her job for that. Not that it necessarily makes you feel less blown away. It''s pretty shocking.

The school year is over in 2 weeks (if your school is anywhere near on the same schedule as ours). As hard as it may be, I don''t think I would push this, knowing what the teacher is going through and how soon the end of the year is. I also think I''d word the note differently, Sara. I would say that I regret we had a disagreement and wanted her to know that I know what a tough time she is having and that I really didn''t mean to chastize if that''s how it came across, and that I volunteered because I honestly wanted to be involved and to help. I might also find a poem somewhere about parents, or losing someone we love, or some other thing that might be relevant. The other thing is, does your school have a teacher appreciation day/week? I''d definitely give a card and a thoughtful gift (even if there isn''t one -- year end is a good time also). I know this sounds really off, but you know she''s in a lot of pain, and sometimes it''s best to give someone the benefit of the doubt and show support in this way, rather than telling them (right now) how hurt you are. If it happens again, then absolutely, I''d have a set-to with her about what''s what. But this time, I''d be extra gentle and use a huge dose of honey to catch this fly. Not only will it make an impression on her, but who knows how it will affect what she tells other teachers/staff at the school who will be working with your son. Something to think about.

My advice (based on my own similar feelings about school while I was growing up) is to make sure you are not projecting your own feelings on your son. He wants to be there, so I would really think about whether it''s *you* or *he* who has a problem with the school. Please don''t think I''m trying to invalidate your feelings -- I''m not and I''ve had similar feelings in the past -- but it''s important to sort out for sure if your son is feeling what you are.

God bless you, nothing is harder than receiving criticism of your child. Nothing could be more personal or hit you at your very core the way that can. The second hardest thing might be criticism of your ability to do your job, and she may be projecting some of her own guilt at not being able to fully give to her class when she''s under such personal strain. Try really, really hard not to take this any more personally than you have to. You may be right, you are her "safe" parent -- she may have been saving up her frustration for a long time and you''re the one she trusts with it.

Let us know what happens, if anything.

 

[asscherisme]

Hi,

Like Lumpkin, been there, done that, etc. Does not make it feel better right? Some teachers should not be teaching. And some principals should not be in leadership. We only have 2 weeks left also. Even if you have a bit longer, i would let it go. If it was eariler in the year I would pursue it more but I don''t think anything will change now.

I can tell you I have spend many times crying in frustration at schools. Big hugs.

My son KNOWS his teacher hates him. And I know it too. She has make it clear to me she does not like him. Thank goodness he will be away from her next year and I hope my younger kids don''t get her.

 

[Ellen]

Aw Sara, don''t ya just hate stuff like this??

I agree with the majority. Not much school time left, and she has a WHOLE lot on her plate. I say cut her some slack, even though yes, she was definitely out of line. She over reacted, but my guess is her nerves are on end.

And, I wouldn''t be surprised if she apologizes at some point in the future, she may very well reflect on this herself.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 5/15/2007 8:52:50 PM
Author: lumpkin
First of all, HUGS. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and I truly feel your pain.

I would be really hurt and angry, too. It''s wise for you to consider the source and her personal difficulties, because I''m SURE they are devastating her. I would really hate to be in a position where a loved one was elsewhere dying and I couldn''t go to him. A part of her is sure to resent her job for that. Not that it necessarily makes you feel less blown away. It''s pretty shocking.

The school year is over in 2 weeks (if your school is anywhere near on the same schedule as ours). As hard as it may be, I don''t think I would push this, knowing what the teacher is going through and how soon the end of the year is. I also think I''d word the note differently, Sara. I would say that I regret we had a disagreement and wanted her to know that I know what a tough time she is having and that I really didn''t mean to chastize if that''s how it came across, and that I volunteered because I honestly wanted to be involved and to help. I might also find a poem somewhere about parents, or losing someone we love, or some other thing that might be relevant. The other thing is, does your school have a teacher appreciation day/week? I''d definitely give a card and a thoughtful gift (even if there isn''t one -- year end is a good time also). I know this sounds really off, but you know she''s in a lot of pain, and sometimes it''s best to give someone the benefit of the doubt and show support in this way, rather than telling them (right now) how hurt you are. If it happens again, then absolutely, I''d have a set-to with her about what''s what. But this time, I''d be extra gentle and use a huge dose of honey to catch this fly. Not only will it make an impression on her, but who knows how it will affect what she tells other teachers/staff at the school who will be working with your son. Something to think about.

My advice (based on my own similar feelings about school while I was growing up) is to make sure you are not projecting your own feelings on your son. He wants to be there, so I would really think about whether it''s *you* or *he* who has a problem with the school. Please don''t think I''m trying to invalidate your feelings -- I''m not and I''ve had similar feelings in the past -- but it''s important to sort out for sure if your son is feeling what you are.

God bless you, nothing is harder than receiving criticism of your child. Nothing could be more personal or hit you at your very core the way that can. The second hardest thing might be criticism of your ability to do your job, and she may be projecting some of her own guilt at not being able to fully give to her class when she''s under such personal strain. Try really, really hard not to take this any more personally than you have to. You may be right, you are her ''safe'' parent -- she may have been saving up her frustration for a long time and you''re the one she trusts with it.

Let us know what happens, if anything.

Sara, I wanted to reply to most of the responses so far and say "ditto"! But Lumpkin''s post added something I also wanted to say. Write her a sweet note like Lumpkin suggested. Instead of being defensive, be kind and give her the benefit of the doubt. In the future, it obviously will be best to schedule a conference rather than talking about your son''s needs when you are there to volunteer. I understand your feeling hurt and angry. But it is usually best to operate by crown1''s tag line: the kindness you give others will be the kindness you get back.

I do empathize with you because I know what it feels like to have to advocate for your child. And not only that, I see how kids with special needs suffer in an environment that is often not ideal for them. It''s a hard place to be, but it is best to keep positive relationships as much as possible.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 5/15/2007 9:08:49 PM
Author: amylikesrocks
Hi,

Like Lumpkin, been there, done that, etc. Does not make it feel better right? Some teachers should not be teaching. And some principals should not be in leadership. We only have 2 weeks left also. Even if you have a bit longer, i would let it go. If it was eariler in the year I would pursue it more but I don''t think anything will change now.

I can tell you I have spend many times crying in frustration at schools. Big hugs.

My son KNOWS his teacher hates him. And I know it too. She has make it clear to me she does not like him. Thank goodness he will be away from her next year and I hope my younger kids don''t get her.

Amy, I would not ALLOW my other kids to have a teacher who disliked my older child. I''d make that very clear to the prinicipal.

 

[diamondfan]

I feel for her with her father being ill, but honestly, if she is in front of the class and there working, I think she needs to be professional. Why are they not getting a sub to finish out the year and allow her to go to her father before it is too late? Clearly her mind is elsewhere, and everyone is going to suffer for it. I am sorry your son had some frustrations this year, and I think good communication is so key to things going well for all concerned, but people are human and not perfect and sometimes even our best intentions and attempts do not work well. I have had awesome teachers and teachers who should be fired immediately, (who have had multiple parent complaints lodged against them) and it is so hard to get things done if the teacher is not willing to be open and hear you, the parent.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Sara~
I am so, so sorry. I truly hope your son will be okay. (Did he witness this conversation?) I''m a bit confused as to this school''s policies/philosophy...why on earth was your son moved to a different classroom after only 3 DAYS????? Ridiculous. I''m a teacher and I completely understand that personality types clash and some teachers are better prepared to work with certain students than others, but 3 days? These issues are worked out to provide the best match BEFORE the school year starts. The first teacher had a negative attitude towards him also? No excuse for that either. It sounds like he wasn''t even given a chance.

Also, it must be terrible for your son''s teacher to deal with the end of the school year crap while her father is dying. HOWEVER, that is no excuse to treat you (especially your son) the way she did. I''ve dealt with a lot of crap too, as we all have, and my uncle has been losing his battle with cancer for quite a few months now but I have never taken anything out on my students. As a teacher, principal, psychologist, counselor, social worker, aide, etc, it is your job to leave all of your crap at the door because all that matters within those four walls is the well-being of those children. I''ll get off my soap box now, but I wanted to say I am heartbroken for you and your son, as I can sense that you are still hurting from your negative educational experiences. I am so sorry for that, but it is completely normal. As for sending that note, I don''t think what you wrote is harsh at all. I have seen parents attack teachers for far less. It is up to you to choose, but you have a right to stand up for yourself and your family. If the teacher and/or the principal can''t understand that, well then I just don''t know anymore. *Hugs*

 

[phoenixgirl]

I should tell you I''m a teacher but not a parent. I agree about letting it go. She was definitely unprofessional, and her responses after you said you could drop it show that she was trying to backpedal or was realizing that she shouldn''t have said that but she didn''t know what to do. I''m sure it''s just the end of the year and the stress of her family situation. I wouldn''t add to that.

If you must write her, I''d take out the part about you being "incredibly" hurt. The tone isn''t right. When I want someone actually to consider my message, I go back over it and take out all the unnecessary adverbs (of course, extremely, obviously, just, only, etc.). They just make you sound defensive, and being defensive just makes you sound like one of those people who is always a victim (in their own mind) instead of someone who is calm and dignified but also in the right.

Honestly, any child who got transferred into my class because of a problem with another teacher would be suspect to me at first -- what was so terrible about this child or parent that it couldn''t be resolved? Then again, my first year I had a sweet girl moved into my class out of a veteran teacher''s class, and I never did figure out how there could be any conflict there, so it''s not a definite black mark against a student, but it does make you wonder.

I''m guessing that she is just feeling swamped. She''s behind on her planning, and the kids are itching to get out of school, and parents are panicking about their children''s end of year grades and calling her and emailing her all the time, and all she wants is to get everything done for the year so she can spend whatever time is left with her dad. And so you represent a godsend because you can do two hours of laminating so she doesn''t have to do that on top of everything else. So her defenses were down, and when it seemed like you expected to conference with her on the spot, she had to go from appreciative peer who knows you as a volunteer to professional teacher who must defend her teaching practices, and she wasn''t expecting to have to make the shift at that moment in the hall. So she said what she was thinking -- which was that you were taking advantage of your time with her to chastize. Obviously that''s not true, but based on what she''s going through, I don''t think you should take it personally.

I had a parent call to complain a few weeks ago because her daughter is failing my honors level high school course and she didn''t know. The girl has had an F every marking period, AND we publish grades several times a week on the internet, and she''s never attended a conference. She admitted that the daughter has been failing classes for seven years and has a history of lying, and then told me that she believed her daughter when she told her she wasn''t receiving report cards, so therefore it was my responsibility to call her. "I know you put the grades on the internet, but I don''t have time to check them!" But somehow I am supposed to magically know which parents are believing their teenagers stupid lies and not checking report cards? Puhlease. I actually had to say something like, "Well, I''m sorry you''re upset, but I''m just surprised it didn''t occur to you to call the school and find out why the report cards were mysteriously not being given to your daughter. I don''t think I could have anticipated that you wouldn''t look into that when your daughter has a history of failing." I share this story (well, partly just because we all like to vent sometimes) to demonstrate how teachers sometimes get defensive because, well, parents can be silly too. My favorite was when I called a parent to tell her that her daughter had stolen from me and could she please explain that it was not acceptable to take things that weren''t hers, and her response was, "Well don''t you take nothin from her!"

 

[diamondfan]

DS, I agree. Amy, I would go on record with the principal that this teacher is not to have any of your other kids and I would have a note put in her files that she has made her feelings known to both you and your son, which is inappropriate and lacks professionalism. As humans, we all react to certain people in certain ways, but as a teacher, she needs to be able to keep a lid on her personal views in order to teach most effectively. I feel terrible for your son to be in that position, and I am sure it is not his fault.

 

[glitterkitty]

Hey Sara, i''ve just read this and it brought back so many bad memories of a teacher my son had two years ago, probably about the same age as your child (bearing in mind i''m in the UK).

I was in a similar position - I would often go into the school to chat with the head teacher because I was in a position were I could help them obtain more money and grants, and could actually fund projects that were for the benefit of the whole school and wider community.

My son had had two extremely happy years at the school and the school had been very good about ensuring his needs were met - his reading age, maths skills and general level of intelligence are much higher than his classmates - and he was engaged and happy.

Next thing I know, the new school year statrs, ands he stops talking about school, becomes very anxious about his school provided reading book and generally withdraws into himself. We ruled out any other problems - bullying etc which just wasn''t happening - and gradually I found out his new teacher was making life very difficult for him (at 8 years old

).

His teacher was insisting he read books he had finished two years ago, as she had no record of his abilities and didn''t believe he was at the level his previous teacher had indicated.

I popped in to have a quick chat with her after school, and try and find some way forward. She accused me of being a pushy mum who was exerting undue influence on other teachers - including the head - and she wasn''t going to be pushed around by someone like me

I was floored, but I can hold my own without resorting to her level and I explained my reasoning. She was out of control, shouting, bright red, shaking etc telling me that my son would do as she said or else. At that point I left.

Two days later I got a call from the head teacher asking me to come in to discuss what had happened. I explained and the head was very understanding, who agreed that she behaved inappropriately. I didn''t want to disrupt R by moving classes, and he remained in her class for the rest of the school year and came out with a dreadful report. However, in the last two years he has had wonderful teachers who have pushed him and encouraged him and he (along with the majority of his classmates) has blossomed.

The point of this ridiculously long post is that, yes the year has nearly finished, yes she has personal issues - but you were not in the wrong and she took her problems and issues out on you in a totally unprofessional way.

I would have a word with the head - on an informal basis initially - because they have a duty to protect the welfare of both students and teachers. If she is having trouble coping with her role and all the other things going on, they need to know so they can take the steps necessary to offer the correct support.

Good Luck,

Clare

 

[Cehrabehra]

Hi guys

I wanted you all to know that I *really* appreciate you guys taking the time to respond (keep ''em coming!) and that I haven''t responded because I''m really "listening" and trying to absorb all of these wonderful perspectives. I haven''t decided what to do, but I need to by this afternoon as we have a conference, then thankfully a 4 day weekend!

Just to add a few things... we still have over a month of school left. Not much, but almost 10% of the year.

My son is a very nice, sweet boy. Very oblivious. Very impulsive. If you picture the three points on a triangle with one being adhd and one being asperger''s... he''s on the 3rd point LOL He actually has almost all of the criteria for asp but he is hypOsensitive rather than hypERsensitive and that part of the evaluation weighed ''against'' him. He straddles things to an extreme. He can replicate complex drawings up to that of a 15 year old, but his social/adaptive skills are behind. He has an IEP for speech but the speech teacher is mostly focusing on helping the fluidity of his words - he has a ''mental stutter''. He stutters his sounds and words a lot but the origin is his mind, not his vocal box. He''s always smiling and happy but he''s a major wiggle. At the start of the year it was a transition to a new school, new teachers and he was so excited and this school is sooooooo much stricter than our old school. His first teacher had 3 "difficult" children in her class and the other two teachers didn''t so they kinda spread them out and I was never bothered by the move, I was bothered far more by the teacher''s inability to find ANYTHING positive to say even though the negative things were like, "he picked up a piece of barkdust and was looking at it and the kids here are not allowed to pick up the barkdust so I had to talk to him." I mean they were small and IMO stupid but there were a TON of them (he was walking in line and didn''t keep his hands behind his back) and NOTHING good to say. I was so worried about him and it broke my heart to send him to someone who could only find fault.

I will write more later about what I should do about the teacher. Some options I''m considering are:

Apologize to her for burdening her and take all of the blame upon myself.

Write a short to the point note requesting an immediate conference with her and the principal regarding his math issues and not mention blame on her or me.

Writing a bitchy note that says everything negative that I think but shouldn''t say and then not giving it or anything else to her and just being silent.

Some combination therein of which content I am uncertain.

I am hurt (perhaps not ''incredibly'' though it felt as such yesterday) and I am offended and I am even pissed off. But I am also compassionate. I need to find an honest balance that doesn''t ignore how I feel without being a finger pointer, and which is aimed to comfort her without being a martyr.

So far you guys have been a great help to diffuse a lot of what I''m feeling, but I''m still left with what I''m *thinking* which is that a) this needs to be addressed somehow - I have to see her this evening... and b) there is still the original math issue that needs to be addressed.

 

[asscherisme]

My son has aspergers as well as other issues, impulsive, anxiety, etc. Its tough, isn''t it.

I appreciate the posts giving suggestions to go on record with the principal now to not accept this teacher for my younger kids. I am going to write a letter today.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/16/2007 10:52:11 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
Hi guys

I was bothered far more by the teacher''s inability to find ANYTHING positive to say even though the negative things were like, ''he picked up a piece of barkdust and was looking at it and the kids here are not allowed to pick up the barkdust so I had to talk to him.'' I mean they were small and IMO stupid but there were a TON of them (he was walking in line and didn''t keep his hands behind his back) and NOTHING good to say. I was so worried about him and it broke my heart to send him to someone who could only find fault.

This sounds about as stupid as me getting called to the phone at work where I was in an ORAL SURGERY to tell me, by the Principal, that my 9 year old was seen at the bus stop having a fight with another child. The "weapons" were gum balls, and they were playing.

I politely but firmly told him not to ever call me at work over such nonsense again. He didn''t like my son either. Which was fine, I couldn''t stand him.



As for what to do, I don''t know what to tell you Sara. I think if it were me, I might just go to the conference, be pleasant, and see how it goes. I keep thinking she may very well feel bad, and might apologize. But I could be wrong....

 

[jas]

Hello there.

I am a middle school teacher and have no children of my own, so you may weigh that.

I read and reread what you wrote several times. I am very sorry you are hurting so much over this.

As far as the meeting goes, I think you should just try to be the bigger person here and try to view your further interactions with this teacher through the lens of "What is best for my child." I am not saying you haven''t done that. Rather, it seems that you have! However, it appears to me (and please, I may be very very wrong, and if so, I am sorry) that you are trying to take on two issues at once: issue #1 is your child and issue #2 is how you feel you were treated. Issue #2 may be better resolved with this teacher and/or administrators as a more "cold dish" -- i.e. wait a few days/weeks and then broach the issue again, saying you were able to give it time, give it thought, take the emotions out of it. This will probably be very well received. Otherwise, you may run the risk of an administrator feeling he/she has to "back up" the teacher, regardless of the "facts", because the teacher is coping with other issues right now, issues which may include a plethora of IEP meetings, which are so very important in education and can be stressful for some teachers (again , I am NOT condoning her acting unprofessionally.) Unless, of course, you feel your child is being treated unprofessionally, in which case, of course, all bets are off.

If this is, indeed, how this teacher "usually" is with parents/the community, waiting a few days or weeks to voice your concerns about how you were treated won''t hurt your case. And the issue won''t go away. If this is a once-in-a-lifetime action for her, she may be better able to see how you feel once she can deal with her own parents and grief and then put her own life back in order.

It seems you know all this, and I hope I don''t sound patronizing. It seems like you were very hurt by this. I would try to put on your "game face" and be a mama lion to your child, do whatever you can to make the rest of this year (and placement for next year) work for your little one. Focus on his progress this year, and his goals for next. At that point, once you feel his interests have been served, rock on and do what you feel is best regarding your interaction.

Again, I apologize if any of this is missing the mark.

Jackie

 

[belle]

you really have recieved some good advice here cehra and i''m glad to know you are absorbing it. hurt feelings aside, i think you need to reflect on what good would come from confronting her in a letter or otherwise. would it make the situation better or would it just make you feel better at her expense? i don''t want to minimize the fact that you were hurt be her actions but i really think that she is having a hard time right now (obviously). if this was her normal behavior and not something that just seemed to come out of nowhere at the end of the school year when she has a loved one that is dying, i would think much differently. that is not the case. it sounds like she just uncorked her frustrations on you in the spur of the moment. i am not saying that is acceptable....but it is definitely understandable. bringing up some hurt feelings to someone that is losing a loved one seems a bit petty and inconsiderate. it''s superficial ego hurt versus deep grieving loss hurt. they aren''t remotely the same.
obviously, you need to do what you feel you need to do, i just think you need to carefully consider what you are hoping to accomplish and at what expense it will come.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Is there any chance that you could have a third party--such as the school''s or a private Psychologist--in on your meeting to inform the teachers/admin. of your sons gifts and needs, thereby, potentially, mediating? When I had my son educationally tested in grade three (he was "bored" in school), the Psychologist knew the school system well, and was my and my son''s advocate in all meetings with teachers and admin. I was very happy with how things transpired--we all seemed to end up on the "same page".

cheers--Sharon

 

[AGBF]

I am so sorry, Sara. You have gotten a huge amount of great advice. Sometimes the collective wisdom here is awesome. My daughter, like the children of many posters here, has also had mean teachers, but she was never the whipping boy of any of them. Once her good friend, was the teacher's whipping boy, though. My daughter used to come home and tell me that the (second grade) teacher always drew a frowning face on her friend's papers! Her being the object of this teacher's displaced hostility was evident to the other second graders! The teacher was a witch in many, many ways.

My own second grade teacher (why is it always second grade?) told me shortly after school began that she hadn't liked me "for three days now". My father asked her about it on an open house night and she said I had misunderstood, that she had said that she hadn't liked my work for three days. My father didn't argue with her, but he told me he knew I had heard her correctly.

Like everyone else, I feel for you. Like the majority of the other posters, I do not see an intervention on your son's behalf now as being in his best interest. (I do think that going on the record with the Principal that you never want any of your children in a class with any of the teachers who have been abrasive would be a good move to make during the summer, however!)

If I were you right now, I would write a note saying that I was sorry that I had caused her stress at a time like this and that you could only imagine how hard it must be to be dealing with something as momentous as a parent's critical illness from a distance. I would tell her of my own experiences with loss and offer to be available in any way that I could. Maybe, after that, I would try to hook up with other moms to see if they were doing anything to help support her through this. Sometimes kindness heals the wounded. I wish you the very best.

Deborah

Edited to say that since there is a meeting you can address these matters in person rather than by note. I'd say the same thing I was going to write! You can also talk about the test this way!

 

[Skippy123]

Sara,
I am sorry; I would be hurt too. I have nothing to add because I don''t have kids and don''t want to give you the wrong advice. Try and be calm; maybe go for a long walk today and take in what everyone posted. I wish you the best and the best for your sweet son too.

 

[Maisie]

Cehra I am so sorry you were hurt. I am sending you a huge hug right across the ocean!

When my daughter was about 7 (not sure what age 2nd grade is over there) her teacher called me into school. She informed me that Lucia was becoming very difficult to teach and she consistently fell behind in her class work. In her opinion Lou 'needs a bomb up her backside' (she actually said that). For months after that I kept getting called into school while this teacher basically told me how useless it was to try and teach my little girl as she wouldn't retain any information. I wasn't polite at all and made sure that this teacher knew I thought she was a sorry excuse for a teacher and I wanted to move my daughter out of her class.

The following year a special needs assessor was asked to spend some time with Lucia to find out what label they could give her to explain why she wasn't learning properly. She tried to imply that it was something to do with her home life and wanted to know the in's and out's of our family!
It turns out that she just had some gaps in her learning from when she was 6 and had missed a lot of school due to an illness. Simple as that.

She is ten now and has really picked up at school. In her recent practice SATS she scored 4's (5 is the highest score possible).

I don't think education comes easily to my daughter but with the right encouragement she will be able to learn to a satisfactory level. Some teachers don't seem to be able to get close to the difficult children. I think thats not right.

 

[Nicrez]

Sara, I am so sorry to hear about your sitution! That is awful, but I think I would not have been as kind. I think you were very nice to have been thinking of her feelings and her personal issues. Plus you were likely floored by her responses! *BIG HUG* and there is great advice given so far...here is my $1.50....


I will be a bit of a villain for this one, but I have to say that when a person does not feel up to a job they should not be in it. I am a firm believer of living yourself with a bit of pride in your work, and if you can't do it to the best of your ability, then don't go in and do it. As a teacher I have seen a few friends go in all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and leave frustrated and tail between their legs. Call it the system, call it the expectations of change that are not allowed, but they do not remain when they can no longer be a positive influence.

I know she is going through a lot, but if the quality of her work will be affected, she has but two options. One to try and disengage herself from her issues and leave it at the door. The same advice we tell men and women about leaving work at the office. You should not have emotional outbursts and irrational fits at work, same as they should not pervade your family life. Her second option is to take the required time off and deal with the issue. See her father, and do what she has to. To me, family is #1 and if I had any job that tried to be above my family, I would rather be unemployed and working at any random job than sacrifice my family. I almost had a decision like that to make and it's not an easy one. But what you give should be 100% in every arena, family or work. Sure balance and multi-tasking is the best, but there are times where one must take presidence, and I always vote in favor of family.

Now there is nothing you can do on your part, but I say this to those who always think it's OK to have an "excuse" for everything that we don't consider correct. In the end, it's your actions, not your excuses that are seen and weighed.

To you Sara, I say that being as rational and as unemotional about this would be the best. Emotion is natural in your case, but it would only hurt your issue. And the goal is not to pacify your emotions nor hers, but to make sure your son's education is best served. Perhaps speaking with someone above her and asking for a formal method of checking up on his progress with more frequency, to determine how you can be helpful? Is that possible? If not, consider what your son's needs are, if they are being met, and if they would be met better elsewhere. In the end, as much as your son may like the school, what's best for him may be something far more consequential than a fun playground or proximity. Those are the tough choices you are called upon as a parent to make. They are never 100% right, but they are weighed by deeper measures than just today or tomorrow. Growing up I disagreed so much with my parent's way of raising me and growing up I now see why they chose what they chose. I often agree more than I disagree, but I am rational now to know that it was ALWAYS with my best interest at heart, and your son will acknowledge that in time when he is likely majoring in Mathematics or engineering at MIT or Harvard!

Good luck, and remember that the only actions you are responsible for are your own. Be the best mother you can be, and take those curve balls of emotion that life throws at you and make them a homerun. You can, just stay focused on the problem and what it takes to sove it. All the rest are irrelevant details. You'll be fine!

 

[jas]

Nicrez,

I don''t think people here are trying to excuse this teacher''s behavior (speaking only for myself, I certainly wasn''t). We are just trying to offer Cehrabehra some constructive ways to handle the situation based on hearing her side of the story and hearing about her obvious upset. But I don''t think you''re a "villain" by any stretch of the imagination!

Cehrabehra, hope this wasn''t a threadjack. Please let us know how it goes!

Jackie (who has her 87% days)

 

[crown1]

when we are hurt we try to feel better by trying to fix the situation. i don''t think it will help your son to take this any further. you may get an apology or some concession that makes you feel better but it will not set well with the person who has to make the apology or concession. i would not want to have the teachers (they do talk to each other) thinking i was going to be trouble for them and thus project that onto my child. just as you got defensive when you felt mistreated the teacher may also. the only harm here (i think) is your feelings and i would not risk future problems by pressing it.

i would not mention anything personal or try to offer thoughts that maybe the teacher was reacting badly due to her father''s illness. although many may be grateful for the sentiment others would feel that you were invading their privacy. i would not mention what happened and only address issues about your son''s education and only at scheduled meetings. i would go back to staying away unless my son was having trouble and address problems as they arose in a professional manner and avoid getting into personal topics while remaining cordial.

if i understand correctly your son is happy and likes the school. i would not jeopardize that over a few uncomfortable words the two of you had yesterday. jmho. i hope this ends well for you and your son.

 

[belle]

again, i totally agree with crown1 on this. i adimantly feel (in case that wasn''t obvious! lol) that you should not write her a letter, or have a discussion about the hurt feelings. i just don''t think it''s appropriate. the suggestions that you write or confront her expressing that you understand what a difficult time she is going through, or how things must be really hard for her right now would just be insulting assumptions. i may sound contradictory because i mentioned those things as a possible root of her behavior but i was basing that on giving her the benefit of the doubt, not as something that you should verbally assert. i think feelings need to be left out of this. if you want to pursue the issues that you feel are directly affecting your son, then do so. you have every right to do that and the conference today is the perfect opportunity to bring it up. that''s what conferences are for! perhaps that is part of the reason she felt you were ''trapping'' her? knowing you had a conference coming up soon, yet directly discussing scholastic issues in the hallway in passing, could be perceived as being ''cornered''. just a thought.
basically what i am trying to say is, LET IT GO. discuss the scholastic issues you have in the conference today but leave the emotions at the door. not all personalities are going to get along. if she continues to brush off the concerns you have with your son, they absolutely go to the principal and let your feelings be known but as someone mentioned previously, just make sure you are doing what is best for *him* and that you are not trying to right the wrongs you felt were placed on you.

 

[pyramid]

Date: 5/15/2007 7:39:21 PM
Author:Cehrabehra
'we don't need to talk about this now, and if you prefer we don't need to talk about this at all' and she said okay, sounds good. I was floored AGAIN! What the hell? You don't tell a parent you don't wish to discuss their child's work. You say I can't NOW but geeeez. So she looked at me and said 'what are you going to do?' and I said, well apparently I am going to end this conversation and she said okay and walked away. I was floored yet AGAIN.


so I am not expecting any conflict resolution regarding this. feel so hurt and rejected and OFFENDED by what she said.

I know that she has a lot on her plate with family issues and this is probably the reason for what has happened between you. I thought though I would point out parts of your conversation where you were giving her permission to - not discuss and walk away. Maybe you could watch next time and don't give her an out if you really want a resolution. Just something that came to my mind whilst reading.