Friendship ending?

[Begonia]

Hey,

A long time friend (8 years) and I had an... argument? Had words? I dunno what you'd call it. We were messengering. Bit of background... I'm stressed with my back strain and being off work, yet again. She's been a supportive friend for the most part and like any friendship there are a few negatives, but there are many positives.

She likes to enjoy happy hour starting around 5pm. Okay, I'm not a drinker but people do drink. I've learned not to message back after 5 pm as her texts get sharp and can be pointed. All of our text fights have been after 5, just sayin'.

I forgot my rule. Was anxious and we got texting. She got sharp and I got defensive. I said let's stop for now as I'm feeling you're being dismissive of my feelings. Then she texted "I'd blown up the bridge on our friendship", as she is not dismissive.

I stopped there and will let it sit. Gonna sleep on it til the right thing comes to me. Thoughts? Anecdotes? Your own personal loss of a friendship would be appreciated.

Note* She has a habit of threatening friend divorce when things get tense. Even over small disagreements. Maybe that's a sign the friendship has run its course for her? I dunno.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I'm sorry you and your friend are having issues. My husband decided to end a friendship with one of his childhood friends and he was heartbroken, but it was necessary. I asked him "If you met this person today, as they are today, would you pursue a friendship with them" and the answer was no. People change over the years, but it is important that you are friends with someone who makes you feel loved and valued. We may forget what people say, but we will never forget how they make us feel. So, all in all, how does your friend make you feel the majority of the time?

 

[musicloveranthony]

Sounds volatile - do you enjoy the friendship?

It sounds like fear of upsetting her is imposing boundaries to your relationship with her. Is that something you are comfortable with? It is a type of emotional abuse, and like all forms of abuse, I can confidently say it won't get better.

I know that's bleak and probably not what you wanted to hear I'm sorry you're experiencing this

 

[Rfisher]

You don’t have to answer, just some thoughts.


Where/what is the friendship rooted in the beginning?
Shared interests / hobbies?
Has those active shared interests gone away?

How often do you reach out/ need her (emotional) support and is somewhat equal the other way round?

Have you told her of your ‘rule’? How would you feel if she had ‘rules’ when to not contact you?

Sometimes yes friendships do run their course. I’m sorry for this experience, for you.

 

[seaurchin]

From what you've said, she sounds like an alcoholic. Personally, I have never been able to keep up a connection with someone who has a substance abuse problem.

Sooner or later, I get fed up with all the various loony BS they always seem to bring, and that's that. Imo they will drive you crazy with their insanity-in-a-bottle. Now, once I see the signs, I don't go any further with that person in the first place.

If they can't be bothered to get it together so they don't abuse everyone who cares about them, then why should I care about them. That's how I see it. I think she may have done you a favor and maybe you'd be better off to just let her latest ending of the friendship tantrum stand. Good luck.

 

[Begonia]

I'm sorry you and your friend are having issues. My husband decided to end a friendship with one of his childhood friends and he was heartbroken, but it was necessary. I asked him "If you met this person today, as they are today, would you pursue a friendship with them" and the answer was no. People change over the years, but it is important that you are friends with someone who makes you feel loved and valued. We may forget what people say, but we will never forget how they make us feel. So, all in all, how does your friend make you feel the majority of the time?

That's a good question.

I'm always on edge because she's prickly. It's like being cross examined for a crime and they're looking for holes in your story. Yet she can be supportive. Sigh. On the whole, I'd have to say I'm on edge a lot.

 

[Begonia]

Sounds volatile - do you enjoy the friendship?

It sounds like fear of upsetting her is imposing boundaries to your relationship with her. Is that something you are comfortable with? It is a type of emotional abuse, and like all forms of abuse, I can confidently say it won't get better.

I know that's bleak and probably not what you wanted to hear I'm sorry you're experiencing this

Not at all!! I'm ready to take a hard look at the friendship right now.

The irony is she is a very blunt person. Harshly blunt at times that feels like it borders on insensitive or mean. Mostly it's the delivery, not the words, altho those can be harsh.
I've begun to be a bit more blunt with her and not engage when she provokes me and then I get it thrown back at me.
There are times when I feel like there's emotional abuse. Good point.

 

[Begonia]

You don’t have to answer, just some thoughts.


Where/what is the friendship rooted in the beginning?
Shared interests / hobbies?
Has those active shared interests gone away?

How often do you reach out/ need her (emotional) support and is somewhat equal the other way round?

Have you told her of your ‘rule’? How would you feel if she had ‘rules’ when to not contact you?

Sometimes yes friendships do run their course. I’m sorry for this experience, for you.

I'd like to answer. It helps me discover deeper feelings I have about what to do.

The hobby we shared is over.
We both reach out weekly. Sometimes more her, sometimes me.
I did mention that she's different when she drinks and she got very angry. Very. Suggested a "time out" on the friendship. She has a lot of informal rules in our friendship. Ideally I'm a person to contact during happy hour but I've been burned many times during that time.

I did wonder about the extreme reaction to my observations about how she's different during happy hour.

 

[Begonia]

From what you've said, she sounds like an alcoholic. Personally, I have never been able to keep up a connection with someone who has a substance abuse problem.

Sooner or later, I get fed up with all the various loony BS they always seem to bring, and that's that. Imo they will drive you crazy with their insanity-in-a-bottle. Now, once I see the signs, I don't go any further with that person in the first place.

If they can't be bothered to get it together so they don't abuse everyone who cares about them, then why should I care about them. That's how I see it. I think she may have done you a favor and maybe you'd be better off to just let her latest ending of the friendship tantrum stand. Good luck.

She may be. I'd not considered that. I just thought it was a happy hour issue but maybe it goes beyond that.

I find the friendship ending tantrums silly beyond belief. Grow TF up.

 

[Gloria27]

Hey,

A long time friend (8 years) and I had an... argument? Had words? I dunno what you'd call it. We were messengering. Bit of background... I'm stressed with my back strain and being off work, yet again. She's been a supportive friend for the most part and like any friendship there are a few negatives, but there are many positives.

She likes to enjoy happy hour starting around 5pm. Okay, I'm not a drinker but people do drink. I've learned not to message back after 5 pm as her texts get sharp and can be pointed. All of our text fights have been after 5, just sayin'.

I forgot my rule. Was anxious and we got texting. She got sharp and I got defensive. I said let's stop for now as I'm feeling you're being dismissive of my feelings. Then she texted "I'd blown up the bridge on our friendship", as she is not dismissive.

I stopped there and will let it sit. Gonna sleep on it til the right thing comes to me. Thoughts? Anecdotes? Your own personal loss of a friendship would be appreciated.

Note* She has a habit of threatening friend divorce when things get tense. Even over small disagreements. Maybe that's a sign the friendship has run its course for her? I dunno.

This sounds like "all bark no bite", some people like ultimatums but those don't mean anything, some people are like that, they say things that they don't really mean.

 

[Begonia]

This sounds like "all bark no bite", some people like ultimatums but those don't mean anything, some people are like that, they say things that they don't really mean.

Okay. She is very emotional and likely had been drinking.
I'm confused by human behavior, and always have been. I appreciate the observation @Gloria27.

 

[ame]

Note* She has a habit of threatening friend divorce when things get tense. Even over small disagreements. Maybe that's a sign the friendship has run its course for her? I dunno.

Honestly, she doesn't sound like much of a friend. And it does sound like it's run its course. It almost sounds like she wants you to be the one that gets sick of her shit, and decides to be done, and since you don't, she takes advantage of the fact that you're still hanging around, and abuses you.

 

[Begonia]

Honestly, she doesn't sound like much of a friend. And it does sound like it's run its course. It almost sounds like she wants you to be the one that gets sick of her shit, and decides to be done, and since you don't, she takes advantage of the fact that you're still hanging around, and abuses you.

As hard as that was to read, I'd wondered the same thing over the past few years. No one likes the feeling of being a charity case. There have been some signs. Fck that if so.

 

[caf]

You’re in pain from your back, yes? I’d wait until your back settles down before taking any action or saying something more. I agree with everyone’s thoughts above. But you don’t need more stress and pain. Just go no contact “light” until you feel better. For you own benefit, not hers!

 

[Begonia]

You’re in pain from your back, yes? I’d wait until your back settles down before taking any action or saying something more. I agree with everyone’s thoughts above. But you don’t need more stress and pain. Just go no contact “light” until you feel better. For you own benefit, not hers!

Yes, I am in pain. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I walked away the other night and tried to focus on healing relaxation. Well, until I brought it up here (eye roll).

Good advice, that.

 

[kenny]

I'd like to answer. It helps me discover deeper feelings I have about what to do.

The hobby we shared is over.
We both reach out weekly. Sometimes more her, sometimes me.
I did mention that she's different when she drinks and she got very angry. Very. Suggested a "time out" on the friendship. She has a lot of informal rules in our friendship. Ideally I'm a person to contact during happy hour but I've been burned many times during that time.

I did wonder about the extreme reaction to my observations about how she's different during happy hour.

I agree with dealing with this after your back is better.

There's nothing wrong with ending a friendship.
Based on what you've written so far, I would.
AFAIC, life's too short to include problematic people in your life, even if they're blood relations.

My experience when ending a friendship involves 2, maybe 3 steps.
- Step A, gradually just taper off contact, respond to invitations with, "I'm busy".

After several of these if they don't "take the hint" I take the next step.

- Step B, as kindly as possible make it clear that they didn't take the hint and tell them (first politely as possible, but if necessary more clearly, then if still necessary bluntly) that I'm moving on.

 

[Begonia]

I agree with dealing with this after your back is better.

There's nothing wrong with ending a friendship.
Based on what you've written so far, I would.

IMO, life's too short to have problematic people in your life, even if they're blood relations.

My experience when ending a friendship involves 2, maybe 3 steps.
- Step A, gradually just taper off contact, respond to invitations with, "I'm busy".

After several of these if they don't "take the hint" I take the next step.

- Step B, as kindly as possible make it clear that they didn't take the hint and tell them (first politely as possible, but if necessary more clearly, then if still necessary bluntly) that I'm moving on.

Fair enough @kenny. My friends are like family so I used the term divorce. I meant the end of the friendship either way. I don't have extended family and only a few close friends, so I cherish them.

I appreciate the steps for distancing myself from her. I'll likely not need them, as it seems I've been given the boot. On the off chance she'd like to resume, and I'm unwilling to do so, those steps will come in handy.

Leaving things be for now. Talking to my peeps here is helpful tho.

 

[seaurchin]

I read something the other day that said the average romantic relationship lasts for two years. That seems roughly about what most of the new (platonic) friendships I've made do too, ever since I moved away from all the friends I was raised with.

I tend to think of these as "failures" but that article made me think maybe that's more or less expected with friendships made as an adult, too. When you may not have all that much holding you together.

I know you've had this friend longer than that, but just a random thought there that maybe it's pretty typical to move on from most friends. Hmm. Good luck with it.

 

[missy]

Hi @Begonia I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I haven’t read any replies because I want to speak from my heart and not be influenced by what others might have written.

My number one priority is peace. And kindness. If a relationship has become toxic (or perhaps it was always that way but you’re just now realizing it) I’d leave it. I’m not saying that’s right for everyone. But it is right for me. I feel things very strongly. I’m an HSS and I find I must avoid those who are toxic. What toxic is for you might be different than what it means to me. But anyone who makes me feel less than. Anyone who dismisses my feelings and my perspective. And anyone who becomes belligerent if we don’t see eye to eye. Just a few examples of what I consider toxic. I give a lot to any relationship and I don’t expect tit for tat. But I do expect the same amount of energy put into the relationship. A good relationship involves both people wanting to make it work. Caring about the other and their feelings. Anything less is not acceptable. To me.

Yes people change but in my experience it’s not so much a change in who they are but in what their priorities are. And that’s ok. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just what’s right (or wrong) for you.

Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you. You deserve nothing less.

And I hope your back feels better very soon. Sending bucketloads of healing vibes your way

 

[Begonia]

I read something the other day that said the average romantic relationship lasts for two years. That seems roughly about what most of the new friendships I've made do too, ever since I moved away from all the friends I was raised with.

I tend to think of these as "failures" but that article made me think maybe that's more or less expected with friendships made as an adult, too. When you may not have all that much holding you together.

I know you've had this friend longer than that, but just a random thought there that maybe it's pretty typical to move on from most friends. Hmm. Good luck with it.

Interesting intel.

I think, for me, I've a tendency to hang on when I should prolly cut bait. Harder to make friends as you get older and all that. Still, not a good idea to hang on right into dysfunctional.

 

[Begonia]

Hi @Begonia I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I haven’t read any replies because I want to speak from my heart and not be influenced by what others might have written.

My number one priority is peace. And kindness. If a relationship has become toxic (or perhaps it was always that way but you’re just now realizing it) I’d leave it. I’m not saying that’s right for everyone. But it is right for me. I feel things very strongly. I’m an HSS and I find I must avoid those who are toxic. What toxic is for you might be different than what it means to me. But anyone who makes me feel less than. Anyone who dismisses my feelings and my perspective. And anyone who becomes belligerent if we don’t see eye to eye. Just a few examples of what I consider toxic. I give a lot to any relationship and I don’t expect tit for tat. But I do expect the same amount of energy put into the relationship. A good relationship involves both people wanting to make it work. Caring about the other and their feelings. Anything less is not acceptable. To me.

Yes people change but in my experience it’s not so much a change in who they are but in what their priorities are. And that’s ok. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just what’s right (or wrong) for you.

Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you. You deserve nothing less.

And I hope your back feels better very soon. Sending bucketloads of healing vibes your way

I'm a HSS person too @missy. With a trauma background to boot. Throw a side of ADHD and it gets downright confusing to navigate.

Yes. Y e s.

My old mantra I forgot as I'm high on Advil (I'm also hummingbird when it comes to meds). Protect your peace.

Thanks girl.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Hey,

A long time friend (8 years) and I had an... argument? Had words? I dunno what you'd call it. We were messengering. Bit of background... I'm stressed with my back strain and being off work, yet again. She's been a supportive friend for the most part and like any friendship there are a few negatives, but there are many positives.

She likes to enjoy happy hour starting around 5pm. Okay, I'm not a drinker but people do drink. I've learned not to message back after 5 pm as her texts get sharp and can be pointed. All of our text fights have been after 5, just sayin'.

I forgot my rule. Was anxious and we got texting. She got sharp and I got defensive. I said let's stop for now as I'm feeling you're being dismissive of my feelings. Then she texted "I'd blown up the bridge on our friendship", as she is not dismissive.

I stopped there and will let it sit. Gonna sleep on it til the right thing comes to me. Thoughts? Anecdotes? Your own personal loss of a friendship would be appreciated.

Note* She has a habit of threatening friend divorce when things get tense. Even over small disagreements. Maybe that's a sign the friendship has run its course for her? I dunno.

these things happen sometimes,
its sad
but you have to concentrate on getting your back better

i'll tell you something about drinking, i just get really honest so i know when not to drink !

the thing i do not like about this is she has a habit of threatening friend divorce
is she still in kindergarten ??
this is very imature to me
and controlling

but im in no position to really comment, my circumstances change and i just drift away like softly closing a door
i really just have workmates

you will be ok without her Begonia

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Yes, I am in pain. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I walked away the other night and tried to focus on healing relaxation. Well, until I brought it up here (eye roll).

Good advice, that.

but remember, nobody hug too tight !

 

[Begonia]

these things happen sometimes,
its sad
but you have to concentrate on getting your back better

i'll tell you something about drinking, i just get really honest so i know when not to drink !

the thing i do not like about this is she has a habit of threatening friend divorce
is she still in kindergarten ??
this is very imature to me
and controlling

but im in no position to really comment, my circumstances change and i just drift away like softly closing a door
i really just have workmates

you will be ok without her Begonia

This injury is making me fragile emotionally. I'm gonna blame the meds a bit too LOL.

Yes! You're right @Daisys and Diamonds. I'm gonna be ok.

I admire those that softly close the door. Good on you. It speaks to your character.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Yes, I am in pain. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I walked away the other night and tried to focus on healing relaxation. Well, until I brought it up here (eye roll).

Good advice, that.

pain screws with our thinking sometimes, so just take care of yourself first
try not to overthink your 'friend', save that energy

you have been having a really bad run but something really nice is about to happen im sure

 

[Begonia]

pain screws with our thinking sometimes, so just take care of yourself first
try not to overthink your 'friend', save that energy

you have been having a really bad run but something really nice is about to happen im sure

From your lips to God's ears. Thanks dear friend!

 

[HGar]

So if I offend you, I apologise in advance.

Your friend is blunt - you know that. She likes a drink of an afternoon - you know that. She may be more blunt after a few drinks - you know that. Even knowing all that, you chose to engage with her during this “danger period”.

I get that you are experiencing pain, stress and possibly anxiety. Maybe she is too. Maybe she chooses to not share everything in her life, is enjoying a drink to try and relax but has the added concern of you needing support etc.

My best friends and I have known each other since we were 5. We are now 53 - the three of us love each other dearly, moreso then our actual sisters. One of us is extremely needy and sensitive, one is extremely blunt and hates hearing she’s wrong, me I hate confrontation, will internalise everything and try not to burden them with any concerns I have unnecessarily.

There are times when one of us requires space - maybe we don’t reply to texts / messages / phone calls as quickly as usual. Maybe we don’t want to catch up in person every week. But we love each other to recognise that in every situation there are 3 sides to a story - mine, theirs and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

A friendship is a partnership, it cannot be one sided. Maybe this relationship has met the end of the road. But maybe you are having your judgement clouded by your other pressures.

I will also say as a near teetotal person, just because she enjoys a drink each afternoon she may not be a drunk. I think that again there may possibly be skewing of perception.

I hope your worries lessen with the coming days and if you both are open to it, your friendship continuing.

 

[Lookinagain]

My first thought when I read your post was that friends have disagreements at times and it doesn't generally damage the friendship. But reading more of what you said, it sounds like this could be a bit toxic for you. I have only a handful of very good friends. They've been friends for years and years (some as long as 50). We've never said that we were going to divorce, even when we disagree. So with that in mind, I'd try to decide if this is a friendship that will go the distance. If not, I'd do as @Daisys and Diamonds does, and let it just fade away.

 

[Begonia]

My first thought when I read your post was that friends have disagreements at times and it doesn't generally damage the friendship. But reading more of what you said, it sounds like this could be a bit toxic for you. I have only a handful of very good friends. They've been friends for years and years (some as long as 50). We've never said that we were going to divorce, even when we disagree. So with that in mind, I'd try to decide if this is a friendship that will go the distance. If not, I'd do as @Daisys and Diamonds does, and let it just fade away.


It's feeling like it has some toxicity, yes. I've never had those threats from other friends, mind you, these are said during happy hour. Perhaps the filter is down and she's says what she really feels? I dunno, I don't drink.

It's been good to get some feedback here. I'm keeping my distance for now as the back pain is exhausting me. I sure wish the "divorce" hadn't happened now, but maybe there's a reason that will be more clear down the road.

The loss of a relationship is tough indeed. It's been years since I went thru one.

Forgive me @Lookinagain, I've put this in wrong.

 

[Begonia]

So if I offend you, I apologise in advance.

Your friend is blunt - you know that. She likes a drink of an afternoon - you know that. She may be more blunt after a few drinks - you know that. Even knowing all that, you chose to engage with her during this “danger period”.

I get that you are experiencing pain, stress and possibly anxiety. Maybe she is too. Maybe she chooses to not share everything in her life, is enjoying a drink to try and relax but has the added concern of you needing support etc.

My best friends and I have known each other since we were 5. We are now 53 - the three of us love each other dearly, moreso then our actual sisters. One of us is extremely needy and sensitive, one is extremely blunt and hates hearing she’s wrong, me I hate confrontation, will internalise everything and try not to burden them with any concerns I have unnecessarily.

There are times when one of us requires space - maybe we don’t reply to texts / messages / phone calls as quickly as usual. Maybe we don’t want to catch up in person every week. But we love each other to recognise that in every situation there are 3 sides to a story - mine, theirs and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

A friendship is a partnership, it cannot be one sided. Maybe this relationship has met the end of the road. But maybe you are having your judgement clouded by your other pressures.

I will also say as a near teetotal person, just because she enjoys a drink each afternoon she may not be a drunk. I think that again there may possibly be skewing of perception.

I hope your worries lessen with the coming days and if you both are open to it, your friendship continuing.

I know what my truth is and I cannot speak for her. In the end, we all have to decide what is healthy and positive for each of us to be around.

The fact that my friend wants to message me during happy hour when she may be aggressive and abusive speaks volumes. Our contact is very little otherwise. That's not a healthy friendship.