Friends?

[lulu]

Bright Ice, why did you not form any female friendships ? Did you have any close friends before your marriage?

 

[Circe]

Bright Ice, for 7 years I was with a man who was ... clingy. He was jealous of and uncomfortable with my friendships with males, which was new to me - I had always had friends of both genders. Old friends were "grandfathered" in, but new ones were treated with suspicion. He also had a tendency to freak out over guys looking at me on the street, and was less than enthusiastic over my female friendships. Basically, he was generally codependent and possessive in the extreme. He took it very badly when I finally left him, and still - 8 years later - sends me disturbing, stalkery messages.

Good times. At the end of that relationship, I wound up making all new friends, because I'd lost all my old ones through attrition. And in my subsequent relationships? I prioritized those friends, because I'd realized that, a) putting all your eggs in one basket is problematic, b) I - can't speak for everybody, but I - need a sounding board or three to drag me back to reality when things go off the rails, to say, "Hon, your SO is acting squirrely," or "YOU are at fault, go apologize to that man," and c) I just plain enjoy socializing in groups, and experiencing what a diverse crowd of acquaintances has to offer. Happily my husband is on the same page. Neither of us is the jealous type - it's like a corroboration of the fact that life didn't have to be that hard.

I wouldn't say that people who don't feel they need other people MUST develop friendships to be well-rounded human beings: there are relationships consisting of paired introverts, people with huge families that fulfill their every need, etc., etc. But I DO think it's massively unhealthy whenever one person tries to control another person's desires, whether it's their normal social impulse to interact with others, or, say, policing their reading material, spending habits, or diet. It implies a fundamental mistrust and a controlling nature, and I think it's a very good thing that you'll be away from his bizarre positions on things, and able to steer your own way.

P.S. - Despite being social, I've had a fair number of friends drop off these last few years: some because of normal distance, others because of unexpected suckage. It is hard to make friends as an adult sometimes - but well worth the effort.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Bright ice i am sorry you are feeling regrets about how your life has gone to this point. Regarding your specific question, I can't say this is what is going on in your marriage but perhaps you can think about this issue: It is quite common for a controlling (or abusive, either mentally or physically) spouse to isolate his wife (or husband, but I'll use wife in this example) from other social connections as a means of maintaining his control. It is often subtle and difficult to detect. Perhaps he gets mad or pouts or has hurt feelings or uses some other form of emotional punishment whenever his wife goes out with friends or talks to them. Perhaps he makes excuses to keep her at home, does not encourage her to learn to drive or other ways of keeping her tied to him. Maybe he insists she must spend all her time with him and the family. There are lots of little ways to control another person and isolate them socially. And social isolation is an important way to keep your spouse from leaving you because it limits her options. One of my friends recently divorced her husband who was like this in the 10 years they were together, but she did not really *see the pattern* until she left him and put the pieces together.

Something to think about. Unless you are very shy or socially reticent yourself? Could that be a reason -- do you want more friends but don't know how to make them?

Now get out and meet people and form bonds. And consider a counsellor to help you sort through your feelings about this. YOu will need lots of support, more than we can give here.

 

[pregcurious]

I'm sorry about your divorce. I think friends are important at any point of like, but friends of the opposite sex can be difficult to maintain with or without a marriage. We've had some hard times in the past so I now cultivate my friendships with women, and I hang out with men in mixed company and try to include my husband as much as possible in those situations. The important thing for us has been to be transparent, and to recognize that there's no reason to exclude each other from our friendships. My husband is also supportive of my having my own friends and hobbies, which encourages me to be transparent. If he were not, he would have to change.

 

[TristanC]

Marriage is just 2 things:
1) A legal refuge for your children and for you as well when you need laws that stipulate estate splitting if/when you want to take your assets apart
2) an excuse to get a nice ring
.

That is so not true at all, it's also not just a "piece of paper". I will say though, that it shouldn't be as hard as some people endure. Don't get me wrong, marriage is hard but worth it in the right circumstances. It should be a loving partnership that has many many ups and downs but it should NEVER be a place where you feel unloved or abused.

I totally agree with you MakeMePretty. While marriage is hard it is certainly worth it with the right person.
It is so much more than just a legal refuge or an excuse to get a nice ring.

I think everyone misunderstood what I meant. I wasn't being flippant.

Let me clarify: A good loving RELATIONSHIP is all those things you ladies are saying. Marriage itself, is not any of those things. It is a legal state. If you didn't have all those things you mentioned, being married wouldn't give it to you. The underlying requirements for bliss are all these discrete criteria - NOT being married.

Nothing changes because you are married. If you have a great loving relationship, with a man/woman who supports and loves you and brings you joy and comfort, who frustrates you a little yet thrills you much more etc... You have a fantastic RELATIONSHIP. If you were to choose to marry this person, you will in all likelihood have a fantastic marriage for however long it lasts.

The state of being married doesn't magically wonderfully change the underlying relationship. If anything, it makes Certain (not all) people overly certain/bored and leads to more people being taken for granted. If everyone is lucky, they would Date for a lifetime, whether they were married to their partners or not.

So what i was telling Bright Ice is this: Whether you are married or single, divorced or still looking, what you need as a person, to make you feel rounded, fulfilled, happy etc remains pretty much the same. And I am certain that Friends are a key element of that. So if the marriage was preventing you from having that, you need to keep a look out, and fix it despite your marriage, not conform to strange 'rules' that would deny that little bit of happiness from you.

 

[y2kitty]

Sorry about your divorce brightice.