Friends?

[bright ice]

My question is does either having friends or the lack of them, affect a partner in their marriage?

I ask because I have never really had true friends in my 38 year marriage (especially long term) whereas my spouse has had several long term close friends and many so-called. It was partly because of working and raising kids and not having the time, then going back to school for a 15 year period to achieve 3 degrees in which I now have a masters as a nurse practitioner (no regrets whatsoever ).

Partly though because my spouse was jealous in our early years. NEVER wanted me to have a friendship with other males. Just a few years ago when I got a job in a nearby community where two of my (male) church members work as well (one of them I have gone to church with for 25+ years, the other is a neighbor in my subdivision) commented that we should have lunch together sometime, as we work just down the road from each other. Both made these comments in front of my spouse at church. He would have nothing of sorts (confronted each of them as to never ask me to lunch) and has caused distance from these people and their spouses.

Now, after all of these years I am embarking on a Divorce for MANY reasons and feel that I have short changed myself for the lack of friends. Just wonder how others feel about this subject?

 

[missy]

So sorry for what you are going through bright ice.
I do think it is ultra important to have friends at any time of life separate from your spouse who ideally should be your very best friend.
Many studies show how important having strong ties with other people are crucial to health and happiness. And it is never too late. Join support groups and just get out there and make connections. Best of luck to you at this difficult time. Sending big virtual hugs your way!!

 

[Mayk]

Bright Ice.. Friends are so important and trust in a relationship is more important, and it sounds like yours was missing that very important element.. or just a wicked sense of control also not a great quality to have to manage in a relationship... Friends have always kept me grounded and been there when I needed to laugh, cry or just get into trouble with a chaparone... As you move on look to build some nice lasting friendships with women and men who you can lean on. Divorce is not easy and having friends will make the ride so much easier...

 

[rubybeth]

Bright ice, hugs to you at this time! I think everybody needs at least one friend outside of their spouse. We need human connections, and I think that it's not realistic to expect a spouse to be 'everything.' It sounds like your husband was quite controlling and posessive. Some people probably picked up on that about him if they met him, and didn't pursue friendships with you as a result. Taking a fun class or joining a group would be a good way to ease yourself into making new friends. And, finding old friends online (via Facebook or a classmate-finder site) and reconnecting would be good, too. Plus, you have your PS friends!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I feel that one person cannot meet all of your needs. Period. Having close friends is important to me. It took me awhile to understand intimacy and the importance of trusting, being authentic, and feeling of being heard. That said, I don't have any male friends. I have always connected with women and treasure my close female friends. I am not sure how my husband would react having close male friends. Probably similar to how I would react if he had close female friends (he does not). Trust is so important but so is respect. I respect my husband and his feelings. I would NEVER allow a friendship to come between our relationship.

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

 

[marymm]

I agree with the general principle that having true friends in your life is important, both as a means of support and for enrichment of your life. Still, I am an introvert and rather a loner and have moved around quite a bit while DH has stayed in his hometown his whole life. My DH is quite social, but counts only two people (other than me) he considers "friends" and then a wide circle of acquaintances with whom he does various activities. Over the years I have fallen out of regular contact with the two women I was closest to, though every now and then we manage to connect for a catch-up. I guess my closest friends are my DH and two of my sisters. DH has never been jealous of any of my friendships or the fact that I have hobbies or activities that may not include him. By the same token, I am happy and pleased that DH has sustained two lifelong friendships and that he has many people who share his particular interests (poker, basketball, football). We do things together and apart.

Jealousy is poisonous and it sounds like you have suffered as a result of your spouse's jealous nature. Now, though, you have the opportunity to engage with people with similar interests and to create and nurture some true friendships. You have been conditioned in a sense through the years by your husband's behavior, so it may take you a bit to feel comfortable extending and/or accepting the hand of friendship or companionship -- I have no doubt really that you already know quality people who would be happy to spend time with you. Best of luck to you.

 

[Haven]

BrightIce--I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I think you've gotten great advice already.

I wanted to share that my parents divorced after 30 years of marriage just three years ago, and my mom found herself in a position where she had to make new friends. She had some great friends, but they were all married and some of them just didn't know how to be her friend during the divorce. SO, she joined a local divorce support group as well as some meetup groups for people who are divorced after many years of marriage. They have both been really wonderful for her. She's met people who understand what she's going through, and who are in the same position of trying to redefine their places in the world after many years of being in a marriage. My mom jumped right into both groups, but I know it often takes some time before people feel comfortable doing such things. However, when you're ready, I highly recommend seeking out communities to join in your local area.

And of course, you have your PS friends for online support when you need it. We're here for you.

 

[jewelerman]

im sorry that you are going through this divorce! A healthy relationship with your spouse includes having friendships with other couples and also knowing when to give your spouse time with friends or family that don't include both of you.I would look at joining clubs or groups that you can find people with your interests and go from there to develop new friend ships.Also look at contacting old friends to re-connect with them!

 

[violet3]

I feel that one person cannot meet all of your needs. Period. Having close friends is important to me. It took me awhile to understand intimacy and the importance of trusting, being authentic, and feeling of being heard. That said, I don't have any male friends. I have always connected with women and treasure my close female friends. I am not sure how my husband would react having close male friends. Probably similar to how I would react if he had close female friends (he does not). Trust is so important but so is respect. I respect my husband and his feelings. I would NEVER allow a friendship to come between our relationship.

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

Oddly, while i understand the above post, i have at least two good male friends and one of DH's best friends is a woman (she was in my bridal party and is also one of my best friends but they work together). Neither of us have a problem with either scenario, but i don't think we're the norm.

to answer the OP, I have four or five very close friends and i don't really know what i would do without them - two of them are close to me physically and the other three are old friends from my collage years. To me, they are seriously like my family. My sister has a little one and relocated to the D.C. area and has had a REALLY hard time making friends and i know she's lonely without people she loves in close proximity.

I'm sorry you are going through a divorce - i hope you can heal and take some time to find what you are looking for in your next chapter of your life. hugs.

 

[bee*]

I feel that one person cannot meet all of your needs. Period. Having close friends is important to me. It took me awhile to understand intimacy and the importance of trusting, being authentic, and feeling of being heard. That said, I don't have any male friends. I have always connected with women and treasure my close female friends. I am not sure how my husband would react having close male friends. Probably similar to how I would react if he had close female friends (he does not). Trust is so important but so is respect. I respect my husband and his feelings. I would NEVER allow a friendship to come between our relationship.

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

Oddly, while i understand the above post, i have at least two good male friends and one of DH's best friends is a woman (she was in my bridal party and is also one of my best friends but they work together). Neither of us have a problem with either scenario, but i don't think we're the norm.

DH and I are the same. I have three best best friends and two of that three are male. I meet up with all three together, the two lads together or singly and DH doesn't mind at all. They've been my best friends for over ten years and there is no way that I would stop seeing them if DH wanted me to. DH has female friends and I have no problem in him meeting up with them. I couldn't imagine not having my friends in my life.
I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce.

 

[Arkteia]

Bright Ice, I am so sorry for you... I feel that we are probably close in age, and I can understand how you feel very well.

I used to be an incredibly funny person with tons of friends in my youth and early adulthood, I was a girl who would write funny poems, get people together, make funny films, I liked palm-reading and cards-reading, all fun in the world. But then a kid, and especially, a move to a new country with years of work to establish myself as a professional took this spark away. And when our kid got older and I finally became a doctor here, had a job, a new house and everything, we moved and at 42 quite unexpectedly had another child, and all started over again. So between work and the kid who has a lot of problems, and the home, I do not have the time to pick up the phone and call my friends, much less see them. It hurts.

But think of it this way. You have accomplished things. You have raised kids. This is the most important mission. You got education, a masters, a NP degree. Many things to be proud of. You can definitely establish friends, it will take a little bit, but it will come because there are so many things you can give and share and friendship is about giving and sharing.

And you got a ton of virtual friends here, who love and support you.

 

[bright ice]

I appreciate everyone's comments and well wishes during my tribulations.
I will overcome this adversity and move on to establish friends as I can connect quite easily. My profession in the medical field has been a great help in overcoming any shyness I had in the past.

 

[canuk-gal]

I appreciate everyone's comments and well wishes during my tribulations.
I will overcome this adversity and move on to establish friends as I can connect quite easily. My profession in the medical field has been a great help in overcoming any shyness I had in the past.

Yes, strength your way.

You will meet friends through work, and networks associated with that. I am a nurse as well, and many of my colleagues (Professors) and staff nurses are single professionals: and like you are accomplished, have careers, and launched families. You may find you have many many thing in common!

BTW, in addition to your church group, you might seek other group--reading clubs, exercise, mountain climbing, sewing, etc, etc.

I am married 26 years this Sept, I am careful to cultivate and keep friends ships of both genders--other people help to fulfil your life. I likely will be the only person here to day this, but being a mother and wife while interesting is simply "not enough". I enjoy the intimacy of female friends and the comraderie males provide.

cheers--Sharon

 

[AprilBaby]

Sorry about the divorce. I have one very close friend that is with me thru thick and thin. We take road trips together. I does cause friction with my husband because he doesnt have any friends and he wants me to do things only with him. No one person can be everything to you and you can't always tell your husband everything (I know, flame me). I wouldn't give up my best friend for anything.

 

[Hera]

I don't think you missed anything in terms of not having male friends over the years. My husband and I follow a no-opposite sex friends just so we ensure nothing ever builds into something inappropriate (acquaintances are okay). It has never been an issue because we have never had the desire for opposite sex friends.
I do think it's a shame if he kept you away from female friends or couples relationships.

Anyways, I think you'll be able to build some new friends. Most friends seem to come and go in our lives anyways. You could go onto meetup.com to go to some social events and meet new people.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Bright Ice,

I say call those other church friends and have lunch. Start there.
Have fun.
Annette

 

[luv2sparkle]

Bright Ice, I, too, am so very sorry you are having to go through this. My DH and I have been married for 31 years and we have three
couples that we are very close too. We don't get to spend a lot of time together but when we do, even sometimes after years (since one
couple lives in another state) it is always the same.

I have a group of friends that I play bunco with for the last twenty years-the wives of our couple friends are in this group. We live
about 80 miles from them but I go once a month anyway. In the two cities we have lived in away from them for the last 15 years
we have never made close friends in either town. I don't know why. DH works at a fire dept so he spends a lot of time with other guys
but he would not consider them friends, just co-workers. They live very different lives than we do.

So I don't know if it makes a difference. I hope that you can make some great friends now without the confines of what you husband
thinks he can 'allow' you to do.

 

[athenaworth]

Bright Ice I wish I could hug you. I would be your friend if we were closer too. You're a great person. I have been able to tel, from just your few posts in CS that you have a huge heart and it hurts mine that your husband put a damper on your heart. I wish you all e luck in the world, and think you'll have no problems getting friends once you open your heart to it.

 

[soocool]

My closest friends are the ones I met in my childhood/teen years. I have known them for over 40 years. People I met later on never became "true" friends. My DH's friends are my friends and their spouses. We all get along very well and are all close.

Try to reconnect with someone from your past. You'd be surprise how quickly the friendship will rekindle. Through facebook and being a part of the school page I have reconnected with a few more friends from high school and it seems like we had never lost touch.

 

[makemepretty]

I don't think friends have anything to do with a successful or unsuccessful marriage. It only has to do with two people. I've been married 20 years so that's long enough to know friends come and go...not so with a spouse, hopefully. We spend time with family members and try to never do something we wouldn't want the other to do.

It sounds like you kept plenty busy and he wasn't the only thing in your life or controlling enough to keep you from getting your degrees. Maybe just after all these years you want something else or something more. Who knows?

 

[Amys Bling]

so sorry to hear this! I feel that being overly controlling and jealous is never a good thing and I am glad to see that you are taking a stand for yourself.

Hubby and I have many of the same friends- and many of our own friends. We go out as a couple with these friends but also go on respective girls nights and guys nights... and when he or I are away for whatever reason we still go out with our friends (a coed group) without each other being present.

 

[Aoife]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Bright Ice.

Friends don't really have that much effect on a marriage if everything else in the marriage is satisfying for both partners, in my opinion. We've done a lot of job-related moving over the last 35 years. Some places we've had a wide and active network of friends, and other places we haven't, but my husband and I have always had each other, and been each other's best friends. Sadly, it sounds as though the lack of close friendships in your life may have been a symptom of other issues. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and hope that your life is soon filled with rewarding friendships, and much joy.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am sorry to hear about your divorce. It is hard to start over after all those years, I am sure. I wish you well!

I have a lot of female friends, but I don't really have a best friend because I have simply been too busy raising a family and working. I have had work and church friends, mostly, as far as local friends go. My friends are female and we also have couple friends. I would not think it is a good idea for me to go to lunch with male friends alone and I certainly would not be happy for my husband to go to lunch with women. I think there is a tendency to for the "grass is greener" scenario to arise, and I do not wish to endanger my marriage by setting up that scenario. Many affairs start this way. So my advice is, go to lunch with women or single men friends.

 

[bright ice]

I hope my thread has not taken the wrong course about friends.
I certainly don't or never have had intentions of having a close friendship with a male in specific and I could see how one could cause problems.

 

[kas baby]

Bright Ice, while I can't say that I know what it's like to go through a divorce, I've watched my parents in theirs, and I've got to say it was probably the best thing for them. My dad was controlling in the passive sort of way. Never wanted my mom to go out, kept tabs on her all the time. When she got braver and realized she deserved more, my dad went all manipulative and tried to become best buddies with her new friends in order to drive a wedge between them. Even post divorce for awhile.

Now they are both much happier. My dad has moved on for the most part and my mom has a great social life without having to wonder if one of her new friends is one of my dad's 'spies'. Having friends or not wasn't the main problem though, it was the way they interacted personally too.


As for your friend situation, I've never really had a best friend,and neither has SO. The both of us just haven't found 'the one' in that department I guess, lol. We both have a lot of nice friends, but not anyone I can tell everything and be peas in a pod with. I'm awesome at making acquaintances, and I'm very social with my peers, I'm just really shy past the initial getting to know each other for class portion of life. We each have our own hobbies and interests too, so that's nice to be able to keep us occupied and have our own thing.

Good luck with everything

 

[centralsquare]

Bright ice, I do think it's important to have friends that are separate so you have an outlet and support. Ideally, your husband is your biggest supporter, even when it comes to other relationships. Seems you (ex) husband couldn't live up to that!

 

[TristanC]

Marriage is just 2 things:
1) A legal refuge for your children and for you as well when you need laws that stipulate estate splitting if/when you want to take your assets apart
2) an excuse to get a nice ring

Aside from this, you need to be doing all the things that a healthy happy single person needs. Friends. Support groups. Hobbies. Love, support etc. If you get multiple things from your SO - good for you. But don't put all your eggs in one basket. Love and cherish your SO as long and as thoroughly as possible. But you'll still need some other people there for you. And if you're lucky you'll date your SO for life, not just be married to them.

But you will still need friends, both the incredibly attractive as well as those that look like roadkill. It helps you stay relevant. I know of some people who have no friends, no job, and nothing other than their day to day, and the children. Then the marriage disintegrates and the kids are old enough to have flown the nest. Life, and joy, are hard to appreciate at this stage.

 

[makemepretty]

Marriage is just 2 things:
1) A legal refuge for your children and for you as well when you need laws that stipulate estate splitting if/when you want to take your assets apart
2) an excuse to get a nice ring
.

That is so not true at all, it's also not just a "piece of paper". I will say though, that it shouldn't be as hard as some people endure. Don't get me wrong, marriage is hard but worth it in the right circumstances. It should be a loving partnership that has many many ups and downs but it should NEVER be a place where you feel unloved or abused.

 

[missy]

Marriage is just 2 things:
1) A legal refuge for your children and for you as well when you need laws that stipulate estate splitting if/when you want to take your assets apart
2) an excuse to get a nice ring
.

That is so not true at all, it's also not just a "piece of paper". I will say though, that it shouldn't be as hard as some people endure. Don't get me wrong, marriage is hard but worth it in the right circumstances. It should be a loving partnership that has many many ups and downs but it should NEVER be a place where you feel unloved or abused.

I totally agree with you MakeMePretty. While marriage is hard it is certainly worth it with the right person.
It is so much more than just a legal refuge or an excuse to get a nice ring.

 

[rosetta]

Marriage is just 2 things:
1) A legal refuge for your children and for you as well when you need laws that stipulate estate splitting if/when you want to take your assets apart
2) an excuse to get a nice ring
.

That is so not true at all, it's also not just a "piece of paper". I will say though, that it shouldn't be as hard as some people endure. Don't get me wrong, marriage is hard but worth it in the right circumstances. It should be a loving partnership that has many many ups and downs but it should NEVER be a place where you feel unloved or abused.

I totally agree with you MakeMePretty. While marriage is hard it is certainly worth it with the right person.
It is so much more than just a legal refuge or an excuse to get a nice ring.

If those were the only two reasons to get married, I wouldn't have bothered! My marriage is a great source of comfort to me, my husband brings me joy everyday (ok, so I've only been married for 2 months!)

Bright ice, so sorry for your divorce but from how you've described your husband, he sounds very controlling. You will emerge stronger and happier from this. Its time to get your life back. It doesn't matter if you don't have close friends, you can make new ones. What do you like to do? Knit, visit museums, cook, climb rocks, eat sushi, watch movies, read, swim, whatever! There is an interest group out there for you, and new friends that you share interests with now can be better than old ones you have drifted apart from (I'm trying to make new friends now, instead of clinging onto the old ones I really don't have anything in common with any more) Friends are important, but you can live a wonderfully fulfilled life all on your own as well. Good luck!