Freaking out (very long)

[Blenheim]

I think we have around 110 days to go. I''ve had so much wedding anxiety over the past two weeks, and I just feel like there''s an overwhelming amount to be done.

We need to order the invitations, but seeing as the restaurant wants us to put entree options on the response cards we need to decide on what entrees we want. But we can''t do that until their chef decides what the spring menu is, and I think that he doesn''t entire "get" that wedding invitations need to be ordered and sent out relatively early. Fortunately they have a special events coordinator who is on top of him.

And I need to book a florist, and my mom told me that she''d take care of certain things related to that (once again, because I''m out of town), but she''s recently moved out and is looking for both a place to stay and a new job. And I just don''t feel like it''s reasonable to ask her to do but so much right now -- she had more than enough going on.

And we need to find bagpipers. FI tried to find one about three months ago, and everyone he contacted told him that it was too early for them to commit and to try again in a few months. I tried to contact some again last week, but half told me that it''s still too early for them to commit and the other half told me that they''re already booked.

This is just ridiculous.

And then I need to try to figure out when I can get fitted for my dress, and I need to arrange for hair the day of, and a ton of other stuff. And the fact that the wedding and my dress are a few states away makes fittings and hair trials and whatever so much harder to schedule.

And bridesmaids gifts. I can buy them presents, but seeing as they''re all still in school or in first jobs, I thought it would be better to take care of some of their expenses and to give them small, inexpensive but thoughtful presents and notes. I''m asking very little of them in general (just that they be there and look reasonably well groomed), and they''re voluntarily incurring expenses that I thought it might be nice to take care of for them -- for example, they all said that they''d like to get their hair and maybe nails done professionally. One of them wanted to wear matching dresses and the other two didn''t care, so they''re now wearing matching dresses and I was also thinking about paying for part of those. But then I read on the Knot that anything for your wedding isn''t a present; it''s just something that you should pay for. And so I''m wondering if I really need to find something else.

And we need to figure out the guest list. We have a tentative list down that I''m frankly not comfortable with. It''s really what contributed to my earlier freak-out today. FI and I wanted a cap of 50 people. For me, I feel like it''s a very intimate and private occasion and I just don''t feel comfortable having lots of people there. I''d seriously elope if it weren''t for the fact that it would make his grandmother (and thus him) very sad. But somehow we have over 100 on the list. His parents just made a cut or two without me asking them to, which I really appreciate, and I just cut 9 of our friends from the list.

And I feel like everything''s turning into a minor fight. It starts out with my parents telling me that it''s my special day and I should pick what I want, and then when I do they don''t like it. Even when it''s things that I''m not sure how they could possibly disagree with. Like our invitation wording:
Doctor and Mrs. John Doe
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Blenheim
to
Mr. Blenheimboy
son of Mr. and Mrs. Blenheimboy''s parents
Saturday, the twelfth of May
two thousand and seven
at half after eleven o''clock
venue name
and afterwards at the reception
And I''m not really comfortable with the amount of money that we''re spending, and everytime I find a way to cut costs my parents tell me that they don''t want to cheapen the look of the whole wedding by doing _______. For example, when I told my mom that I didn''t want to make the bridesmaids spent $250 each on dresses, she told me that since they''re standing up in front of everyone it will cheapen the look of the wedding if they''re not wearing expensive dresses. I ended up going out with just my bridesmaids and letting them pick a dress, which thankfully ended up being much less expensive.

And I decided to go to the Knot tonight to see what their to-do list said I still needed to do. Major mistake. Over 100 items on the list.

Neither of us particularly feel like doing any of this, either. I think that my reluctance is mostly stemming from the fact that I didn''t even want the big wedding, but at the same time I feel like if we''re going to have one we should go ahead and do the things that we''re "supposed" to do.

And I''m feeling overwhelmed with graduate school, and I''m wondering if it was really the right choice. I''m struggling academically for the first time, and I''m having so many problems wrapping my brain around certain concepts.

The one thing that I''m really feeling good about is that we have what I consider the most important stuff taken care of. We''ve gone through premarital counseling and we''ve spent the last two weekends discussing budget, long-term investing goals, financial changes, etc. And we''re on the same page.

I have no idea where I''m going with this, but I just needed to get all of it out. And I''m sorry for all of the sentence fragments. Any ideas for helping me stay sane? Please?

 

[Mara]

quite honestly, do not freak out. it''s not worth it. in the end it will all just come together and what is important will get done and everything else...just won''t. in the end it''s not about the wedding or the wording on the invites or the BM gifts. it''s about you two joining your lives to each other. long after the wedding is over, you two will still be forging a future together.

having been there, done that etc...the wedding fades and becomes a distant happy memory peppered with here and there kind of ''oh that was awesome'' points. you really don''t remember half of what you wanted to do or would have changed. so just get what needs to be done done. if you need help, pull in your BM''s...the ones who will just do what you tell them and not make waves or make you more stressed. also...don''t put so much pressure on yourself for things that are small in the long run, aka wording on the invites. newsflash, no one *really* looks at the invite, well unless it looks really crappy. but remember that no one really notices all the small things that are so important to you...people just remember how you looked, if they cried, how the cake was, how the band was, who wore what etc. that''s it. hahah.

i know this is a bridal planning forum and maybe it''s sacrilege to say chill out and just relax but more brides could benefit from that type of advice in my opinion. it''s so hard to see the forest through the trees but somehow you will get through it all, and you will get done what needs to be done. if it''s not important to you and you don''t want to be doing it, pass it off to your mom to plan. but realiize you will get HER wedding out of it. which maybe doesn''t really matter in the long run either. in any case, again, it''s really not worth freaking out about, having anxiety attacks over. if it''s not fun, you shouldn''t be doing it!

 

[diamondfan]

Blen, your wedding is in a little over three months. Take a deep breath, it will all work out, with a lot of effort from you, but it will happen. Try to focus on the little steps right now, which will lead you to the big picture.

I never heard (got married a while ago but...) that it was your obligation as the bride to pay for all the costs incurred by the bridesmaids...If they were not bm''s but were coming to the wedding as guests they would have to pay for their hotel and transportation anyway, and their hair and makeup costs...they might even buy a new outfit to wear. I think it is really nice if you pay for dress, nails, hair and makeup...but did not know it was really EXPECTED that you do it. Maybe get each of them a nice momento of the wedding, if you are looking for something, like a pretty bracelet they can wear and you can engrave the date on it or something...(something not tooo costly, might be a bit of tall order but I am just brainstorming here!)

Parents can be funky at weddings and about the details. Try to nicely and sweetly but still firmly stick to your guns. I have many regrets about my wedding day because I let people railroad me and be awful, and frankly I would love to have a do over regarding some of it...I just thought I would let it go and give in to whoever since it was clearly so important that they get their way...now I look back and feel resentful. So, if there is something that is really important to you, try to calmly assert that point to whomever.

DId you just start school? Can you speak to professors and maybe find a way to minimize the pressure there? I am sure it is tough but I am sure you are quite able to do it all, just not in the midst of wedding planning. I would do what I could to make things flow better right now at school but I would not make any long term decisions about your future abilities where school is concerned...worrry about that AFTER the honeymoon. I am sure it is challenging but when you come back and can really focus, it might seem much better.


Try not to worry and just really look each day at what needs doing and try to attack each thing...good luck and keep posting, it has to be a help!
I hope it felt good just to get it out, but I am also certain you will get some good feedback here.

 

[E B]

Mara's post was excellent, so I'll just add a couple of things I've noticed while planning.

The Knot lists are incredibly comprehensive, and a lot of it we're just not having. Using it as a reference, make your own list. Do one thing at a time. When you've finished (or figured out) each task, cross it off and move to the next.

If you need help finding things, don't hesitate to ask your friends online (AHEM!). The Knot, other wedding planning websites, the ladies of Pricescope...we can be pretty helpful sometimes.

Florists (to get you started!):

www.thepetalsedge.com
www.helenolivia.com
www.growingwildfloral.com

 

[Blenheim]

Thank you, Mara. It''s fine to say chill out -- I know that I need it. And I''m glad to hear that when all is said and done, your wedding is a happy memory.

Date: 1/22/2007 1:05:53 AM
Author: Mara
if it''s not important to you and you don''t want to be doing it, pass it off to your mom to plan. but realiize you will get HER wedding out of it. which maybe doesn''t really matter in the long run either. in any case, again, it''s really not worth freaking out about, having anxiety attacks over. if it''s not fun, you shouldn''t be doing it!

I think that a lot of the problem is that it''s already become their wedding (my mom''s and dad''s). It hasn''t been fun since about three weeks into the planning, honestly. We''ve been talking about eloping for about six months because we just want to get married and we want it to be fun and we don''t want this, but at the same time we don''t want to hurt our families. For that reason, I really don''t think it will actually happen.

And I did allow myself to get railroaded in the first month, which is probably most of the problem. My parents really really wanted a larger wedding than I do, and they''re paying for it, and they pressured me out of going with the venue that allows a maximum of 66 people. I sometimes have a hard time saying no, and I know that I really need to work on it. I''m just not sure if I can undo things at this point, really.

Diamondfan, I didn''t think that I was supposed to pay for those until I read that, either. I can understand paying for their hair if I insist that they all get a certain hairstyle for example, but I just don''t care. And yes, I started grad school this fall. I don''t see any way of minimizing the pressure on that end for a bit though. I struggled enough last semester that my grades put me on academic probation (although the head of the doctoral program here wouldn''t believe me that my grades were low enough to do that, and he knew what they are) and I just got the official letter from the grad school on Friday, which really didn''t help. The good news is that they leave what to do with me up to the dept, and the people in charge there think that it''s silly to put me on academic probation with my grades being what they are. But I still feel like I need to get them up.

Ebree, thanks, you made me smile. I''ll look at the links you gave. We currently are trying to decide between two florists, one who does excellent work but I''m just not comfortable with the price, and one who is much better with working within our budget and incredibly friendly and accomodating but we haven''t seen much of her work. My mom''s supposed to set up a meeting to see some. I''m open to more suggestions though!

 

[val951]

Hi Blen! I''m a newbie here but a regular old knottie...wonder if I''ve seen you around those boards?! I''m at 117 days and counting, so only a week more than you. I know you''ve probably heard it a million times, but try and relax! These things will work themselves out. As for invitations, are you going to order or DIY? If you want to DIY you can do so relatively easy and it may even cost less...they may not be beautiful pocketfolds, but they''ll STILL be gorgeous. Hopefully you''ll be able to get a menu from the chef soon! I can imagine how stressful that can be! Flowers are flowers...they''re pretty but you can do so much with silk! If worse comes to worse, there''s always the option of running to a hobby store and picking up some silks! Bagpipers -- that''d be really cool...keep trying and hopefully you''ll get someone! If not, an iPod sounds great (that''s what we''re using b/c the guitarist I wanted was booked).

As for BM gifts...they''re gifts. Get them something they''ll truly love. Most of my BM are either still in school or just out of school...b/c of this, my mom felt that they should not spend their own money to wear a dress for MY wedding, so she bought the dresses for them. Is that necessary? No and if something like that can''t be afforded, don''t stress out about it. What I''m saying though is that it may be better and more appreciated if you helped out with the costs for the BMs and not so much about pretty, engraved trinkets that they may never use again.

I know firsthand how crazy things are getting now. May is just around the corner and the knot checklist says you have a million things to do...you don''t. All you need is you, him, an officiant and the license and you''re good. I know it''s hard to do and you''ve heard it a gazillion times, but try and relax! Take a day and do NOTHING/say NOTHING/think NOTHING WR. Just relax w/your FI and be happy you have the rest of your lives to be together! Now if I can just follow my own advice...

 

[diamondfan]

Blenheim, I meant to ask you what your parents object to about the wording on the invitation?

As for bridesmaids gifts, I would have loved anything the bride gave me, a little engraved thing, a picture frame, whatever...it is the thought that counts. And since I agree that unless you want all the girls to have a specific hairstyle, it would be very generous of you to pay for hair and makeup and nails or whatever else you were thinking, but I am a bit confused about your need to pay for some of this. If you had an endless budget, why not? But I would assume most people do not...I guess I can understand how buying the dress makes some sense, you are telling them what to get, so it is nice if you can just get it for them, but again, when I got married it was certainly not expected. Do what you can, be generous if you are able, and don''t feel pressured if you cannot do all that AND a gift too...no offense to the Knot, but I would research that a bit more.

 

[E B]

Date: 1/22/2007 1:36:58 AM
Author: Blenheim
We currently are trying to decide between two florists, one who does excellent work but I'm just not comfortable with the price, and one who is much better with working within our budget and incredibly friendly and accomodating but we haven't seen much of her work. My mom's supposed to set up a meeting to see some. I'm open to more suggestions though!

If I may ask, what kind of flowers are you considering? If you end up liking florist A's work better, perhaps you could skim the price by having, say, just calla lilies. Your venue and dress look sleek and beautiful, so having tall, graceful calla centerpieces, calla bouquets and calla bouteinners (sp?) could lower the price and totally pull together the look. If you don't like callas, you could sub in ______ (a single flower or less costly flowers). I don't know, just a thought to keep costs down.

I've heard DIY invitations can be a lot of work, so if you're busy in grad school, I'd just order them. Of course, when the chef gets around to planning the spring menu. At least he could give you an idea of what he was going to have! It's such a bummer that he's dragging his feet.

They say you need to send invitations out 6-8 weeks before the wedding, so set a final date to have them out, like April 1st (or earlier). At www.finestationary.com, it looks like you can put a rush on invitations (next day air) and have them in a week. Until then, you can have the guest list finalized and all the names and addresses of those invited ready when you do receive them.

You can only do what you can do, you know? If it's out of your hands, try not to stress about it. You have almost four months, so breathe and take things one step at a time. Ask bagpipers WHEN they'll allow you to book, and email them the morning of the date they give you. Insist your parents make up their minds about the list, let them know where you stand, and collect the final set of names. Coordinate 2 dates for when you can go home and get that dress altered.

I'm in the same boat as you; we're marrying fifteen hundred miles from where we live. But I keep sane knowing there's only so much I can handle at once. Good luck with your planning, and most importantly, with school!

 

[jas]

Blen...

You are where I was a few months ago. Mara is right on target...I started thinking Meatballs ("It just doesn''t matter.")

As far as the knot, I''ve been married almost 3 months and I still have 29 things left on my "to do" list.

Somehow I still managed to have the wedding of my dream. A lot of the stuff on those lists are very...meta. "Think about what kind of hair style you want." Um, ok.

Also, as far as bagpipers...do you have a major university or college near you? Often, pipers tend to gather there.

I hear you about what your parents say about not "cheapening'' the wedding...I was getting very mixed messages from my folks -- on the one hand, lotsa money. On the other hand, do it right. It made me nuts.

My own experience was everything just felt out of my hands at some point...people were filtering everything through their own lenses, I was trying to make everyone happy, I was fighting with my then FI, I was miserable and didn''t get where the joy was in the planning because I wanted to do the RIGHT THING. It took me awhile (and a lot of great people here at PS) to realize that there are many RIGHT THINGS and RIGHT WAYS, but ultimately, understanding that, assuming I was a good person, I was probably not going to do something awful or hurtful.

Hang in there!

Jackie

 

[bee*]

In Ireland, and I think most of europe, the bride always pays for everything to do with the bridesmaids ie dress, make up, hair etc. It doesnt seem to be that way in the States, so the person on the knot might have gotten in mixed up.
That aside, I hope that you are feeling a bit less stressed now.

 

[Blenheim]

Thanks for all of the advice, ladies.

Val, I''ve never posted on those boards. Frankly, some of the girls kind of scare me there. (I''m sure that you''re lovely and nice -- it''s just that my first trip there involved the thought process, "I need to plan our wedding and I like etiquette, so I''ll look over here...")

Invitations: I love stationary and paper, so these are one thing that I''m actually excited about. My main priority is engraving or letterpressing; FI wants engraving. So we''re going with Reaves. I really like the samples that they sent, and they''ve been very helpful over the phone. We''re trying to decide between two specific invitations that are very similar, one with ivory paper that he prefers and one with blue paper that I prefer. He''s willing to go with the blue if it makes me happy, I''m willing to go with the ivory since he expressed that preference. Ivory is less expensive, so I''ll probably just go with that. We''d like to have a map/directions/accomodations enclosure, so I need to figure out exact wording on that. And I need to figure out the response cards, as well. (You know what? That may be the perfect thing to just get them to decide. They''ve been doing this for years and they''ve been so helpful on the phone; I may just call them and ask what they''d recommend.) I may just go ahead and fill everything out on an order form except the meal choices, so that when I get them I can go ahead and immediately fax it over. They have a 4-5 week turnraround on engraving. Their prices go up on Feb 1, so I really want to get them ordered before then.

I had thought earlier about some DIY aspects -- tartan envelope liners or ribbons or something -- but at this point I think I''m going to address them and send them out when I get them.

Diamondfan -- the specific phrase is "the pleasure of your company". She wants "honour of your presence." We''re getting married outside, so pleasure of your company is the correct one. And I keep trying to tell myself "it''s just a party, it''s just a party", and "pleasure of your company" just sits better with that mantra.

Our conversation went something like:
Mom: And I don''t like pleasure of your company. It sounds too much like a party.
Me: Seeing as we''re not getting married on consecrated ground, it''s the correct phrasing.
Mom: Shouldn''t your getting married there make the ground consecrated somehow?
Me: If it did, I don''t know why they''d make the distinction with the wording.
Mom: Well, no one will know the difference except for us, so we can just go with what we want. So honour of your presence.
Me: FI and I like pleasure of your company more, actually.
Mom: Well, fine. It''s your wedding.

Flowers. The centerpieces are just going to involve thistle in glass cylindrical vases. ("In" meaning that the top of the thistle and the top of the vase will be level.) As for everything else- Florist A suggested a lot of freesia, some other small white flower (I can''t remember which, but I know that it''s not lily of the valley or stephanopolis) and some thistle. It would come out to a little over $3000, which she said is very low for the weddings she does. Florist B (I have her proposal on my computer so I remember the details

) - peony, freesia, ranunculus, with blue thistle and blue muscari accents. Total is just under $1500, or half the price.

Date: 1/22/2007 8:19:48 AM
Author: jas
My own experience was everything just felt out of my hands at some point...people were filtering everything through their own lenses, I was trying to make everyone happy, I was fighting with my then FI, I was miserable and didn''t get where the joy was in the planning because I wanted to do the RIGHT THING. It took me awhile (and a lot of great people here at PS) to realize that there are many RIGHT THINGS and RIGHT WAYS, but ultimately, understanding that, assuming I was a good person, I was probably not going to do something awful or hurtful.

Jackie, thank you so much for this. Minus the fighting with FI, that''s just where I am.

We''re getting married in the DC area, so there are quite a few competition pipe bands (and no competitions on May 12), plus several universities and also pipers who specifically pipe for events. A lot of the problem here comes from the fact that my dad is insisting on 2 pipers and a drummer, so we need to find people who''ve played together and who know the same version of each song. The people who typically play for weddings work solo, so we''ve been trying to get in touch with various pipe bands instead and asking if they have some people who are interested. They''re the ones who don''t want to commit yet. So I think that we need to just call them every couple of weeks or something, or we need to decide to go with a soloist. Or I can just delegate finding someone to my dad. You know what, that''s not such a bad idea.


I''ll be back on this evening. Thanks for all of the advice so far.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Blen, I don't suppose eloping and then having a party later is an option? I would think that would be less expensive all around because then you don't have to worry about BM expenses and other wedding costs that would be eliminated by just having a party and not the wedding itself. Also, I know the "grandmother" factor is a big one; maybe you could talk with her and see if should would be amenable to the elopement? Perhaps you could make it a "secret" that only she is in on, and that would make her feel special. (Just throwing some ideas out there.)

But, no matter what, try to freak out as little as possible (I won't say DON'T freak out because I know that there might be a bit of it that you can't help, LOL). Seriously, it will all come together no matter what you choose to do and it will be wonderful. Hang in there!

 

[larussel03]

Please don''t freak out--I know it''s hard but give yourself a bit of a break.

Maybe divvy up some of these tasks b/w you and your fiance and schedule some time weekly to discuss progress on the tasks and to check things off your list. Make him completely in charge of bagpipers. I can help you with flowers if you want help--alot will correspond via email. I had a similar sitch to yours, and I ended up goign wit the slightly pricier one just because she and I really saw eye to eye and I can email with her and everything. The other seemed ok, but didn''t have a portfolio or anything and didn''t work at a shop so I didn''t *feel* as good about her.

As for the guest list thing--do you think maybe it''d just be easier on you to keep it at 100, in the long run? Rather than agonizing over cutting 50 people? I know it''s not exactly what you want, but if it can be done, in terms of wedding cost, then maybe it''ll cause you less stress to have a larger wedding. I felt teh same way you do--I wanted (and still want) a smaller wedding of under 100 people, but unfortunately it''s at about 150-160 people who are likely to come (could be way higher, I purposely picked a room with a 175 person limit, so we can''t invite anymore). I tried and tried to see where I could cut people, then realized that the people on the list were really "uncuttable," if that makes sense, so I decided to let it go and plan around it. This may or may not be helpful for you, but that''s what I ended up doing...

 

[Jas12]

I was feeling the same way a couple of months ago. i felt much, much better when a few things were booked and out of the way. Instead of dreading the whole thing, I actually became excited. So this is what i did:
1) chose the 3 most important things on my '' to do'' list (in order for me was venue , officiant and phtographer-i figured if we had someone to marry us, a place to party and a person to document it,we were set)

I worked on one major item per week for 3 weeks.

Then, I started to fit the other pieces in like music, flowers, invites, dress etc. I found that once the big items were out of the way the other stuff started to come together much more smoothly. i know it doesn''t seem like it will happen, but it will!

 

[diamondfan]

Blen, you are right, the wording "honour of your presence" implies a religious setting...obviously some people would not know or care about that detail, but I had the same thing...and then my in-laws wanted their name on it too though they were not paying one cent of the wedding and there is something about having both parents names on the top that implies who is paying, again, not a big deal ultimately but yet...so I put "son of Mr and Mrs. " and my mother in law pitched a total fit, "I am not MRS FREDERICK JONES I AM SALLY JONES. She wanted me to put "son of Sally and Frederick Jones which I refused to do, I had fought about putting their names on in the first place and it was take it or leave it time...

 

[Pandora II]

I have my bible: - Debretts ''Correct Form'' here on my desk.
Under American weddings it says:

"The phrase ''honour of your presence'' is used for a religious ceremony (''honour'' spelt in the English way). ''The pleasure of your company'' is used for a wedding reception. For informal weddings or commitment ceremonies, phrases such as ''invite you to share'' or ''join us in celebrating'' are often used."

I will be having super-formal invitations for my wedding which will read:

Dr and Mrs XXXX
request the pleasure of
your company at the marriage
of their daughter
Pandora
to
Pandora''s FI
at Battle Abbey
on Saturday, 26th July 2008
at 3 o''clock
and followed by a reception

This is the ultra-correct form in the UK

 

[Mara]

thats funny because i don''t think honour of your presence is religious at all. i think we used that and it was really like ''we request the honor of your presence''...aka we really want you to be there!! then again i haven''t been to a religious ceremony (excepting the one we were just at this wkd!) in like YEARS...so i don''t think that''s what i''d think of at all typically.

 

[aljdewey]

Blen......here's my take, for what it's worth.

Everyone seems too focused on which is "correct", as though there is only ONE 'right way'. Sweetie, the TRUE 'right way' to do anything is this: whatever way *you're* are most comfortable with!

It's not like you're suggesting "hey, come hang out with us as we get hitched"; that's probably a bit less than fitting for an occasion like a wedding.

That said, I tend to bristle at the notion that there is only one 'proper' or correct way to do something, or that you should have to embrace someone's else's standard of a 'correct' way to do things.

Honestly, any appropriate phrase (request the pleasure of your company, requests honour of your presence, invite you to share in our joy, etc. etc.) is FINE and correct as long as it's right to you.

Keep in mind what the objective is....to invite folks to your wedding. Any appropriate language that does that accomplishes the goal. Worrying excessively about the exact words would be energy better spent toward something more significant.

 

[firebirdgold]

Deep Breath ... Another...

Ok, don''t sweat the details. If it''s something that you''re really looking forward to like the invitations, then you should concentrate on the details that will make you and your fiance happy! Otherwise the vast majority of this stuff really isn''t going to make or break your wedding. Honestly will the wording make that much of a difference?? The general design and look is far more important.

As for the guest list, are there any ''parental'' invitees? If various groups have added people to the list then tell each of them that they need to cut down their guest list by 5% (or something). You don''t care how or who, but it''s gotta shrink. Using a precentage will mitigate the whole it''s not fair I''m only inviting 10 people thing.

If your dad wants bag pipers he can bloody well get them himself! Great Idea Blenheim! If people start getting fussed about certain areas of the wedding and saying ''it has to be that way'' then either delegate it to them or say no outright.

Perhaps if you don''t get the exact menu items in time you could just put a general choice? Fish, etc...

What are you arguing with your fi about, if I might ask? I haven''t argued with mine at all but I can''t tell if that''s because I''m a pushover or if it''s because we''re on the same page. Or if I just don''t care about the details that much.

Although mine almost got throttled earlier when he said all this wedding planning was something women invented solely to fuss over and to keep themselves busy. I had just told him I''d made up a list and that there was still a bunch for us to do. 1 3/4 months and counting. EEEK

Even though we''re having a ittsy DW the list is still pretty long. But I don''t think those lists are really as hard as they look. ... I hope.

 

[repartee]

Off the bat, I am not going to have anything terribly useful to say. But I want you to know "I FEEL YOUR PAIN", aka if my FI and I actually make it to the wedding (6/9/07), there is nothing our relationship won''t be able to survive.

Kidding.

Sort of.

I am also planning my wedding from halfway across the country. One thought - have you considered a wedding planner? I hired one and if they''re good, they can help you navigate a lot of this and perhaps provide some support when dealing with the various constituencies involved.

The guest list is tough. We wanted to stick to 50, too (well, he more than I), but if I wasn''t willing to put Grandma up on the trade block, it was almost impossible. And we''re paying for it ourselves. We ended opening it up to about 80 (call it the opening salvo in the delicate negotiation dance known as marriage...), but even that was painful.

GOOD LUCK! Try not to lose sight of the future with your wonderful husband-to-be.

Grace

 

[KimberlyH]

Just one more vote for "take a few deep breathes and don''t make yourself nuts over little stuff." Here was my mantra from the moment I began wedding planning "If it''s not going to matter a year from now it doesn''t matter today." It stopped me from having any real freak out moments (except the morning of when my sister and her family had made a horrible mess of my house and a woman who had never been over before was going to come babysit for my nephew in the war zone they''d left behind. My mom came to the rescue) and I recieved many compliments about being the most relaxed and stress free bride many of my vendors had worked with.

I highly recommed asking yourself this question (Is it going to matter a year from now?) to every item on the list, determining what matters and what doesn''t and moving on from there. Your guests won''t know what should have been that isn''t and on that day you will be in such wedded bliss that you just won''t care. Feel better, Blenheim!

 

[Blenheim]

Deep breaths...

Thanks, I''m feeling a lot better already with reading all of your responses. I''ve had a bit of a change of attitude between last night and today, and I''m trying to just focus on getting things done when I can, delegating what I can, and not stressing about it.

I talked with my mom about florists and how we really need to make a decision at some point, and she''s trying to set up an appointment with Florist B this week. It''s up to her whether we go with her. I''ve been trying to get in touch with my dad. After talking with a few key people, I''ve come to the conclusion that no one cares whatsoever if we have one bagpiper or three except for him. I''ve found one solo bagpiper that I like, and once he calls back I''m going to tell him that there are two options at this point -- I book the solo piper, or he accepts full responsibility for finding someone.

I also called the special events coordinator (who knew what I was calling about as soon as I identified myself). She just talked with the chefs yesterday, and is pressuring them to go ahead and make a decision. I told her that our invitation company is raising prices on Feb 1, and she said that she''d be sure to get us the info by then. Great.

Indie, what I meant to say is that the one place in which we differed from Jackie''s description of before her wedding is that we AREN''T fighting. Well, a teensy bit yesterday after he told me that he was going to go ahead and buy his outfit and then proceeded to play video games for five hours instead

but nothing at all major.

DeeJay, I had been thinking about eloping and then making the "wedding" into a party, but there was the grandmother issue. FI wants to think about your suggestions.

How did your family take it when you broke the news to them? My aunt eloped, and there was major fallout (although my grandparents are a bit nuts) which makes me reluctant also.

SweetPea, I don''t think we''re going to make any major cuts, although I''d kind of like to. The people we eliminated are acquiantances who would be fun to have there, but I just realized last night that having them is counterproductive to creating the intimate feeling that we (FI and me) want. They''re not close enough to us that I think they''re even expecting an invite, either.

And I came to a realization today about the people I don''t really want there. There are more of my dad''s colleagues on the list than there are of FI''s and my friends combined (16 vs. 11) which I''ve been a bit peeved about, but at the same time I think he might need some of them there emotionally. His father (the nutso grandparent) has been pretty mean to him lately and my parents just separated. I might talk to him about cutting that number in half, though.


To all the people who commented on invite wording -- we''re having a religious ceremony (pastor, ceremony from prayer book, prayers) but outside. And I spent a while trying to figure out what wording was "correct" in that situation before I finally realized that I WANT pleasure of your company, damnit, and so that''s what it''s going to be. So there.

Diamondfan, I adore FI''s parents (and if either of them is lurking, I just want to thank them for doing their best to make things LESS stressful) and both of us just want to acknowledge them on the invites even though they''re not hosting.

And you know what, I know that most of this just doesn''t matter. It doesn''t make us any more or less married at the end of it, and we booked the things most important to us pretty early on (site/caterer, pastor, photographer). Thanks for reminding me of that.

And as Ebree suggested, I might just rely on you girls more than stressing about it alone. I think I''ll start an invitation thread tonight.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, I think it is nice you want to honor them. I felt the same way, my hubby did not hatch, he had parents, but yet it became a contest of wills over what the stationers people said was proper and what my mother and his parents wanted, none of which coincided! It just became yet another battle, and I was WILLING to put them on, but nothing was good enough. That is when I said WHOA...this is nonsense and petty and leaving bad memories instead of happy ones...

I think you have it in perspective...in the end it is a day in the life, the start of your lives as hubby and wife, and though you want all to be perfect no one but you will really know the details down to the little stuff...but yet, we want things to be a certain way. If you are a detail oriented perfectionist like I am, you want it to be great, and find it frustrating if you have road blocks. Throw in all the different personalities and stress, and it makes for a lot of anxiety. But I am sure it will all work out, one way or the other...

 

[Dee*Jay]

Date: 1/22/2007 7:34:20 PM
Author: Blenheim

DeeJay, I had been thinking about eloping and then making the 'wedding' into a party, but there was the grandmother issue. FI wants to think about your suggestions.

How did your family take it when you broke the news to them? My aunt eloped, and there was major fallout (although my grandparents are a bit nuts) which makes me reluctant also.

Actually it worked out great. My mother didn't even really care that much that I had gotten married--her main concern was that I didn't have my father there and not her (they had been divorced 25 years at that point and still HATE each other), my father was disappointed that he didn't get to walk his only daughter down the aisle, but that lasted about 10 minutes and then he put a giant check in the mail to us, and everyone else took it as an opportunity to "punish" us by sending goofy gifts since there was no registry to choose from. You should see some of the crazy sh!t we got...

We had planned on having a party when we got back but it never actually materialized. For our 10 year anniversary though (Jan. 1, 2009) we want to renew our vows with Elvis (he was all booked up the night we got married because we planned it in such a short time) and maybe have a party then.

The happy hubby and I will be in Vegas this weekend--should we plan on meeting you at the chapel?

 

[Finding_Neverland]

First thing,........... Relax. This is your day you''re planning. Enjoy it!!

For your Bridesmaids,............. You said they are in school or working their first jobs,.......

Do you know someone,....... A friend perhaps, that would be willing to, or is capable of doing hair and/or nails.

My Best GF''s daughter got married this past summer, and that''s what GF did for all the Ladies in the Wedding. She had a gal come in and do hair and nails. GF said everyone always does that anyway. So they just made a "Girl''s Day" of it for the wedding.

Everyone had manicures and some got pedicures. Some got highlights. Some needed trims and shaping. And the gal did all their hair so they''d look nice. Not up do''s. Just flip the bangs nicer, and finished look on the ends. Or spiking for short hair. That sort of thing. One less thing for the bride, the bride''s maid, MOH, and Mom''s of the bride and groom to have to fool with.

I thought that was a really nice and unique thing to do for the girls/women in the wedding.

Then the bride gave them all matching necklaces and earrings.

 

[Mannequin]

Hahaha, DeeJay! Found this online for you... www.elvischapel.com.

Blenheim, I am so sorry you are feeling stressed out. Please try and delegate a few things to FI and Mom like you have been to take some of this off your shoulders. Paying for hair/makeup for your girls is very generous and will be appreciated. I was going to give my girls a piece of jewelry and that would also be a nice gift to them - hit a local jewelry counter at any department store for some classic gold or silver pendants. Your invites are decided, it seems, so don''t worry about the wording and use what you like. Hang in there with everything else, it will all fall into place. You''ll be fine, really.

Let me know if you want help with anything or just need to talk/vent. (((hugs)))

 

[Blenheim]

MY Elvis impersonator/minister drives a cooler car than YOUR Elvis impersonator/minister.

FI and I found him last night. Isn''t he great? But FI prefers the Elvis who comes with a "showgirl bridesmaid" (or two showgirls, for an extra $100!)

Not that we''re actually going to use either, though. Although this gives me an idea for even better BM "dress" than the one we''ve already decided on...

Thanks for the smile, Equ.

DeeJay, you know, his grandmother asked me if we had a date or place at about the point in the planning when I was sick of people asking me that question. I told her that we were just planning on eloping to Vegas, and her eyes started to sparkle and she said that she''d love to come with us and hit the slots. Hmmm...

 

[akw94]

Blenheim,
Sorry you''re feeling so much stress BUT I''m glad you''re feeling better today. I feel your pain too on the stress. When I get too stressed on one topic, I try to switch gears and think of something else. For example, the guestlist is causing me huge headaches right now so I''m thinking about wedding cake instead..much more fun!
I think everyone''s right about not sweating the small stuff and I''m going to use that advice myself!

That''s annoying about the chef! That''s great though that there''s a coordinator who''s working on getting the menu. Maybe you can make sure that you''ve made all the invitation decisions so that when the chef decides, you''ll be ready to go. Also, I''d tell them that if they don''t give you the menu before Feb. 1, you''ll just order the invitations w/o that on the card.

Hopefully your mom will book the appt. w/the florist or maybe you can set the appt. if she''s unable to. Sounds like you''ve gotten the bagpiper taken care of and that things are working themselves out.
One step at a time and it will come together!

I''m glad you''re feeling a bit better today. This can be tough (as I''m learning)!!!

 

[fatafelice]

Blenheim, I totally felt you pain as I read your first post. That is exactly how I felt before Christmas! Totally overwhelmed. I was glad to read down and see that you are feeling better now, however. It seems like you have made some really positive decisions! Good for you in telling your dad to deal or do it himself! And I am also using "pleasure of your company" for my outside religious ceremony, because I just like it better, too. As for the flowers, Florist B sounds much better! I hope after meeting with them, you will have a clear favorite and your mom will agree.

Next time you get stressed, just remember how well you handled it this time and know that you can get through it. I know for me, it comes in waves. Sometimes I feel really on top of things, and sometimes I get really stressed about all of those things that I haven't done yet. I will say this: The Knot checklist is not your friend! Sure, it can help you keep everything on track, but they toss in a lot of unneccesary stuff, too. Keep in mind that they make their money from advertisers in the wedding industry. It is in the advertisers best interests (not yours) for you to think that you must do/purchase/sign A,B, and C as soon as humanly possible. A little too "conspiracy theory?" Maybe, but it helps keep me sane.

As for invites, please start a thread! I love all things paper!

ETA: I just wanted to add that I *do* use the Knot checklist, but I went through and deleted all the things I thought were stupid first. And now I only look at one month at a time.

 

[Blenheim]

Okay, update time. I finally got in touch with my dad (who hasn''t been answering phones or returning messages -- I had to call him at work), who''s feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. He told me that the solo bagpiper I found sounds great and to just go ahead and book him. I just emailed the bagpiper. Pretty soon, that''s going to be another thing to check off the list.

And some bad news, not wedding related but still. My last childhood doggie is in the doggie ER, on oxygen. She has congestive heart failure, pneumonia, fluid in her lungs, bad arthritis, and she''s deaf and mostly blind. (The last two have been true for a while, but everything else has developed in the last couple of days.) It seems like it''s just time for her to go.

Some pictures of my baby. In the last year or two she''s lost the ability to determine whether or not her tongue is fully in her mouth, poor thing.

Dylan''s being particularly cuddly tonight. I think he knows.