For those who chose not to have children

[Karl_K]

I was kinda like if it happened it happened but if I didn't that was ok too. It just never did.
They only time it bugs me is sometimes when wifey is doing genealogy and talking about her ancestor from 200+ years ago. In 200 years no one will be looking for me and it bugs me a little. But even having kids is no guarantee that there will be a descendant in 200 years.
So I get over it.
Its kinda of one of those things, makes ya think for a few minutes then like whatever and go on. Not a big deal and not a real regret.

 

[distracts]

I want kids. I have been off PS lately because all my attention has been taken up by fertility treatments. I never imagined that starting to try to have kids when I was 30 might be too late - I started naturally and switched to IUIs and finally IVF after several years of not having success. I don't know how I will cope if I don't have kids. The failed natural attempts and failed IUIs were not a big deal emotionally for me, but the failed IVF round was devastating, and now I am about to start my second round.

My mother didn't have me until she was the age I am now, and didn't have my brother until her late 30s. Most of my friends' parents were in their mid 30s when they had kids. So I thought it would be fine to wait. There's also a lot of social reinforcement that waiting is fine, and that people have kids at all ages. Heck, I even have a friend who had her only child at 50.

If I could do it over again, I would have started trying right after I got married at 26, even though neither my husband nor I felt ready. Now I can see that we probably would have become ready as things happened, and that even if we weren't ready, we would still have dealt with things well enough.

I know we have not exhausted every avenue yet, but I have been talking to my childfree friends so that I can change my mindset so I won't be entirely destroyed as a person if I can't have kids. This thread has been really interesting in that regard - especially since my friends are in their 30s and so many of you are more well-versed in spending a lifetime without children and knowing what that looks like as time goes on.

I've met women who want children so badly it consumes them. My daughter-in-law said not having kids was a dealbreaker and if my step-son didn't want them, she wouldn't have married him. I try to comprehend that but I can't get there. Someone giving up a person she loves to risk finding someone she may not love as much just to have a kid.

This is me, definitely. In high school and early college, I never wanted children. Then my "biological clock" kicked in when I turned 20 and hasn't turned off since. It's not logical and there's no explaining it. I want children - my own, and my husband's - and I feel like there's not a point to life without them. In some ways it feels like it's a psychosis. If I looked at it logically, none of the things I currently do or like are really compatible with being a parent. I will have to change a lot once I have a child. If it was all about logic and weighing the benefits and costs, I would fall on the childfree side. But for me that is not how the decision was arrived at - it wasn't even really a decision at all.

HI!

Yes of course!
My and DH have been together for 12 years. At this point, eyebrows are getting raised. Our biological clock is ticking. We need to make the decision whether we want a child in the next few years, before we run into biological factors that could cause issues (being a "geriatric" first time mother due to age).

*side note: (We are not open to adoption, since I myself am adopted and am not emotionally equipped to deal with that. We are not open to IVF or fertility treatments either so biological the "old fashioned way" is the only option we would consider for having children).
**We are not open to having children past the age of 35, since we both had very old parents and it has caused us a lot of burdens. Who wants to graduate from college and immediately start to morph into the 'caregiver' role to your senior citizen parents? That's us now. We haven't even bought our first house yet and are grappling with a widowed senior citizen mom who can't live on her own and needs to sell her house and move into a old people's home.

Neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever, EVER, felt any kind of paternal or material instinct. Neither of us like children now. Neither of us have ever felt any desire to be around children. Both of us are "turned off" by children. I have done my fair share of babysitting and found it horrible. DH has never spent any amount of time with any infant or child.

We have been having almost monthly meetings (LOL) where DH and I sit down and look each other dead in the eye and say "so what are we gonna do". We are long term planners, and have recognized that while we may not want children now, will we change our minds in the next few years?

We are financially and physically able to care for children. But we are both selfish, and I question if we are emotionally able to be good parents.
***According to all our parents and our therapist, we would make "GREAT" parents, and are emotionally sound enough to become parents, but me and DH secretly doubt it.


We have agreed that we could raise a child. But do we want to? Not sure yet. Our biggest concern over not having children is that we would regret it. But that's mostly because society has TOLD US that's how we'd feel. We don't feel any lack in our lives now, and that's after 12 years of being together.

This to me mostly sounds like you don't want children - but I also wonder if you are putting too many constraints on it? I would not consider being a parent at 35 or 40 to be "very old." When your kid is 30, you would be then 65 or 70. Maybe it is just due to the way most people I know age, but I don't know anyone at that age who needs a caregiver without having had something happen that could at any age. Everyone I'm related to has been independent until age 90.

Perhaps one way to look at it is from a financial perspective - do you have the sort of careers and retirement savings (or on track for it), where you will not be a burden to your child? I guess if you think you want to be childfree, you'd better, because it's not like anyone else will be picking up the slack. How are you planning on handling that sort of transition without children? Can you not do the same thing if you do have children? And if you have sufficient savings to cover a nice retirement home, assisted living, etc - why would that be a burden? My grandparents all went through that transition and it wasn't burdensome to help them with it, just a part of life.

But again, this sounds to me like you don't want children. If you are "turned off" by them and find babysitting horrible - it sounds like something you just don't want. And that's a totally acceptable option.

And yes I realize that with my own struggles and regrets, it perhaps sounds hypocritical to tell you that you can wait. But it's ok if you change your mind, if you decide today you definitely don't want kids, and decide when you are 35 that actually you do. You can still try without feeling like you would be consigning them to a terrible life.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@distracts many many many huggles!!! Sending you ALL the baby dust!!!!!!!!

 

[theredspinel]

This thread was so interesting but I only read the first page. I have kids, I wanted to be a parent my whole life and raising my children into decent adults who I hope will continue to put good into this world is the most meaningful work I’ve ever done in my entire life.

I had to stop reading and comment - the fact so many people base not wanting kids on sleeplessness and dirty diaper’s (ha) to me is like saying I don’t want a career because I have to wake up early and work hard.

Well yes… for an end goal. The goal wasn’t and never is the hard stuff you have to do (change a diaper vs wake up at 6am for work) it’s about achieving your end goal.

If we broke having a successful career down to it’s largely undesirable single components… not sure many people would want that either!

I’m not saying everyone should want to have kids (god no - many people aren’t cut out to be parents and it’s best all around) but I do wish people could understand themselves, their motivations better in order to make informed decisions that would lead to their overall happiness. Breaking down the “point” of having kids into its single (negative) components is so fallible.

 

[theredspinel]

HI!

Yes of course!
My and DH have been together for 12 years. At this point, eyebrows are getting raised. Our biological clock is ticking. We need to make the decision whether we want a child in the next few years, before we run into biological factors that could cause issues (being a "geriatric" first time mother due to age).

*side note: (We are not open to adoption, since I myself am adopted and am not emotionally equipped to deal with that. We are not open to IVF or fertility treatments either so biological the "old fashioned way" is the only option we would consider for having children).
**We are not open to having children past the age of 35, since we both had very old parents and it has caused us a lot of burdens. Who wants to graduate from college and immediately start to morph into the 'caregiver' role to your senior citizen parents? That's us now. We haven't even bought our first house yet and are grappling with a widowed senior citizen mom who can't live on her own and needs to sell her house and move into a old people's home.

Neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever, EVER, felt any kind of paternal or material instinct. Neither of us like children now. Neither of us have ever felt any desire to be around children. Both of us are "turned off" by children. I have done my fair share of babysitting and found it horrible. DH has never spent any amount of time with any infant or child.

We have been having almost monthly meetings (LOL) where DH and I sit down and look each other dead in the eye and say "so what are we gonna do". We are long term planners, and have recognized that while we may not want children now, will we change our minds in the next few years?

We are financially and physically able to care for children. But we are both selfish, and I question if we are emotionally able to be good parents.
***According to all our parents and our therapist, we would make "GREAT" parents, and are emotionally sound enough to become parents, but me and DH secretly doubt it.


We have agreed that we could raise a child. But do we want to? Not sure yet. Our biggest concern over not having children is that we would regret it. But that's mostly because society has TOLD US that's how we'd feel. We don't feel any lack in our lives now, and that's after 12 years of being together.

I still have not read the entire thread but I noticed this somewhere in the post above mine and read it, had to go back and quote it!

It really sounds like you do not want kids. That is perfectly fine!! And yes, I agree you are SELFISH, in that you are making a decision for *yourself*. You’re as selfish as I am - for when I made the decision to have kids I also made that decision for *myself*.

You’re happy right now, your partner is happy right now. Don’t make a decision now, based on trying to guess what level of happiness you might be in the future.

I also have a philosophy of never having any regrets - I own whatever decisions I make/made in the past and truly believe, to regret, is a complete fools game. I may learn, I may know better, but I will always be whether I am at the most current point, *because of all the decisions I made*. So what’s to regret?

My point is if in 10 years time you do wish you had a child, treat it as any other wish you did not get in life. But just don’t regret it - because if at that point you could go back and do it over, 100% you would made the same decision. We always make the best decision for the moment and situations we are currently in, without the benefit of hindsight.

 

[kenny]

I had bad parents and do not believe I could be a good parent.

I'm my 60s now and glad I never had kids.
I'm too selfish to give up my life to become a life-support unit for a child.
I jealously guard my life's peace and simplicity.
Sharing with with only one person, my SO, is perfect for me.
YMMV.

Also, there's the earth thing.
Each human consumes some of the earth.
The worst thing you can do to our planet is to have a kid.
When a childless person dies, so does their carbon footprint.
Have a kid and you, in time, can be responsible for zillions of carbon footprints.
The earth already has too many people.

 

[wildcat03]

I want kids. I have been off PS lately because all my attention has been taken up by fertility treatments. I never imagined that starting to try to have kids when I was 30 might be too late - I started naturally and switched to IUIs and finally IVF after several years of not having success. I don't know how I will cope if I don't have kids. The failed natural attempts and failed IUIs were not a big deal emotionally for me, but the failed IVF round was devastating, and now I am about to start my second round.

Sending love. I did 4 retrievals and one transfer. It was so hard (for me, emotionally more than physically but maybe I just had it easy physically). If you ever want to message about it, my contact information is in some Loupe Troop listings under this same user name.

 

[lulu_ma]

HI!

Yes of course!
My and DH have been together for 12 years. At this point, eyebrows are getting raised. Our biological clock is ticking. We need to make the decision whether we want a child in the next few years, before we run into biological factors that could cause issues (being a "geriatric" first time mother due to age).

*side note: (We are not open to adoption, since I myself am adopted and am not emotionally equipped to deal with that. We are not open to IVF or fertility treatments either so biological the "old fashioned way" is the only option we would consider for having children).
**We are not open to having children past the age of 35, since we both had very old parents and it has caused us a lot of burdens. Who wants to graduate from college and immediately start to morph into the 'caregiver' role to your senior citizen parents? That's us now. We haven't even bought our first house yet and are grappling with a widowed senior citizen mom who can't live on her own and needs to sell her house and move into a old people's home.

Neither of us want kids. Neither of us have ever, EVER, felt any kind of paternal or material instinct. Neither of us like children now. Neither of us have ever felt any desire to be around children. Both of us are "turned off" by children. I have done my fair share of babysitting and found it horrible. DH has never spent any amount of time with any infant or child.

We have been having almost monthly meetings (LOL) where DH and I sit down and look each other dead in the eye and say "so what are we gonna do". We are long term planners, and have recognized that while we may not want children now, will we change our minds in the next few years?

We are financially and physically able to care for children. But we are both selfish, and I question if we are emotionally able to be good parents.
***According to all our parents and our therapist, we would make "GREAT" parents, and are emotionally sound enough to become parents, but me and DH secretly doubt it.


We have agreed that we could raise a child. But do we want to? Not sure yet. Our biggest concern over not having children is that we would regret it. But that's mostly because society has TOLD US that's how we'd feel. We don't feel any lack in our lives now, and that's after 12 years of being together.

Since you are asking for different perspectives...

When I was 33, I was in a similar spot to where you are now. My husband and I married youngish. We talked about children, but deferred for many years. We had so much fun-we travelled the world, I built a business, we lived in a killer loft, we had two dogs we doted on... Finally after almost 9 years of marriage we were at a cross roads-do we have children or not.

My husband was ready. I wasn't so sure. I loved our life. I'm not a morning person. I'm not particularly maternal. Other people's kids kind of annoy me. I was also concerned about pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. We lived faraway from family, etc. Childcare in the Boston area is really expensive. I was on the fence. But fatherhood was important to my husband so we tried. I had my first child at age 34. Now I have 2 teenagers and a 1st grader.

My perspective on parenthood is that it challenging for sure ( I have 2 teenagers after all), but it is also rewarding in a way that I can't put into words. For me the pros out way the cons. Of course, having a great partner is key. I didn't need kids to fulfill my life, but my kids certainly enrich my life.

No right or wrong-just my perspective.

ETA: I'm sandwiched between my kids and my aging parents' needs. Some days I want to scream...and I do!

 

[nala]

This thread was so interesting but I only read the first page. I have kids, I wanted to be a parent my whole life and raising my children into decent adults who I hope will continue to put good into this world is the most meaningful work I’ve ever done in my entire life.

I had to stop reading and comment - the fact so many people base not wanting kids on sleeplessness and dirty diaper’s (ha) to me is like saying I don’t want a career because I have to wake up early and work hard.

Well yes… for an end goal. The goal wasn’t and never is the hard stuff you have to do (change a diaper vs wake up at 6am for work) it’s about achieving your end goal.

If we broke having a successful career down to it’s largely undesirable single components… not sure many people would want that either!

I’m not saying everyone should want to have kids (god no - many people aren’t cut out to be parents and it’s best all around) but I do wish people could understand themselves, their motivations better in order to make informed decisions that would lead to their overall happiness. Breaking down the “point” of having kids into its single (negative) components is so fallible.

As someone who wrote about sleepless nights and dirty diapers—I will be the first to admit I did not discuss the “means to the end goal” entirely, and the risks that come with it but I think others have covered it. You risk health issues as the mother, you risk having a child with chronic health issues that forever shape your life with anguish, distress, etc. If you are lucky and all is well in the health department, your life is consumed by worry over your child’s well-being—period. Your life doesn’t belong to you bc the goal of raising a child is to make sure they are happy, well-adjusted, kind , healthy and resilient human beings. Not an easy task and a lot harder than the diapers and sleepless nights—so thanks for the reminder—and this is if you are lucky. Some parents will do their best and still have ahole kids. Some parents will give their all and lose their children to drugs, death, etc. I don’t know that raising kids should be considered achieving an end goal, bc there is really no end when you love them unconditionally.

 

[Mreader]

Since you are asking for different perspectives...

When I was 33, I was in a similar spot to where you are now. My husband and I married youngish. We talked about children, but deferred for many years. We had so much fun-we travelled the world, I built a business, we lived in a killer loft, we had two dogs we doted on... Finally after almost 9 years of marriage we were at a cross roads-do we have children or not.

My husband was ready. I wasn't so sure. I loved our life. I'm not a morning person. I'm not particularly maternal. Other people's kids kind of annoy me. I was also concerned about pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. We lived faraway from family, etc. Childcare in the Boston area is really expensive. I was on the fence. But fatherhood was important to my husband so we tried. I had my first child at age 34. Now I have 2 teenagers and a 1st grader.

Wow this describes my husband and I almost exactly! Except that I didn't have three but one haha. But it was really the exact same. That's why I don't think it's easy to say "if you are on the fence don't do it" or "if you think you don't want them, you probably don't". I never felt the pull as strongly as what some others describe, but I went for it and I am glad for it.

 

[Mreader]

@distracts sending love and all the good vibes your way. xoxoxo

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

OP, to me all your posts read as a "No" to having children -- not quite a "hard No" but definitely not a "maybe" -- why not schedule your next serious talk about this topic in 6 months? Talking about it monthly hasn't changed the decision/indecision ... maybe waiting half a year before approaching the topic again will shift the needle for you two.

Or even another year maybe, we can definitely afford to wait that long at least

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I haven’t contributed to this thread since I do have kids, but wanted to comment on a couple of things.

First and most importantly, don’t have kids so that you aren’t alone in your golden years. My father had three kids and none of us spoke to him in his older age, you would think that three would stack the odds in your favor, not necessarily.

Also pregnancy can have very real health consequences, I had a blood clot during pregnancy and lost central vision in my left eye. I was lucky that it went to my eye and not my brain, but that is a very rare occurrence that even Yale couldn’t explain. Strange things can happen and sometimes the effects are permanent. Not to scare you, just things to consider.

This is something that I have (selfishly) thought. Who will be with me when I'm old?

Then I remember how my own grandma passed away alone in her old age, just because none of her kids could muster up the time or find it important enough to visit her. she only lived 2 hours away and we all had good relationships with her. Yet she died alone in a nursing home.

The physical changes also scare me. i have an extremely low pain tolerance, and would not be able to keep living if I sustained permanent damage or chronic pain. So many things to consider.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

so im ganna die alone
thats not a good enough reason to have a kid
for a million reasons never wanted them

I agree Daisy! Thanks for chiming in!

 

[theredspinel]

As someone who wrote about sleepless nights and dirty diapers—I will be the first to admit I did not discuss the “means to the end goal” entirely, and the risks that come with it but I think others have covered it. You risk health issues as the mother, you risk having a child with chronic health issues that forever shape your life with anguish, distress, etc. If you are lucky and all is well in the health department, your life is consumed by worry over your child’s well-being—period. Your life doesn’t belong to you bc the goal of raising a child is to make sure they are happy, well-adjusted, kind , healthy and resilient human beings. Not an easy task and a lot harder than the diapers and sleepless nights—so thanks for the reminder—and this is if you are lucky. Some parents will do their best and still have ahole kids. Some parents will give their all and lose their children to drugs, death, etc. I don’t know that raising kids should be considered achieving an end goal, bc there is really no end when you love them unconditionally.

You can have an end goal with anything in life if you go into it with purpose and… an end goal. The end goal of choosing to become a parent, can and I’m sure does differ person to person.

One of my end goals for having children was to contribute good into this world - to do my part in raising someone that will enrich this world. That wasn’t the only end goal for me, but it was an important one.

If either of my children one day as adults bring a genuine smile to just one face - that’s that end goal achieved. Hopefully they will do a lot more then that, but I have absolutely no doubt their presence in the world will make it a better place to be.

So I’m really not trying to change your mind regarding the drawbacks and hardships of having kids - just today I was huffing and puffing and ready to throw in the towel regarding my 2 monsters but reading through your list of the drawbacks of having kids just made me think of the following: when I walk outside to drive to work - 10 million ways to die.

Dont even start me on the BS my manager puts me through at work - can’t explain the level of anguish that causes!!! How many sleepless nights have I had over my career? So many I stopped counting. I don’t expect to sleep much tonight and that has nothing to do with my kids!

I don’t feel at all that my life doesn’t belong to me; in all honesty now, in my 30’s I’ve never felt more in control. We’ve (as a family) travelled the entire world before covid forced us to stop. We’ve also travelled without the kids. I’m not saying it’s been all rainbows and no hardships but I am saying nothing in life comes without difficulty.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Let me ask a question. Your parents are elderly. You’re an only child. If, god forbid, you separated from your husband or something happened to him, would you feel able to face being “alone” and create a happy and fulfilling life for yourself with only friends / distant family? Or is your anticipation of enjoying life child free based on the idea of you and your husband enjoying it TOGETHER?

Tbe reason I ask is that very little in life is permanent. Having children is one of the MOST permanent things you can do.

Elderly parent sadly pass away. Friends and even romantic loves do frequently come and go. However the likelihood is (albeit not 100%) that any children you have will be “there” forever.

Of course they could move away, pass away or even grow up to not want a relationship with you. But that is statistically less likely.

I had my children because I knew it was the most likely way (even if not guaranteed) of ensuring I have someone to eat Christmas dinner with, someone’s achievements I could take joy in aside from my own, someone I could hug, someone i could pick up the phone to, someone to whom I could say “do you remember that time 10 years ago…”, someone to make my house noisy and lived in and full, even if sporadically, someone to really wholly love. Forever. Selfish? Yes. But I felt if I ended up alone, without a romantic partner or any close family in my life, in later age, I would be deeply, unavoidably miserable.

That's an excellent question. To be honest, my idea of being child-free is based on me and hubby being together until death. Would I be happy being totally alone if he passed before me and I had no one else?
honestly, no. and I don't know what I would do in that situation.

Your reasons for having kids are the same reasons that I play with in my head, the same reason why I haven't decided firm "NO" yet. Because of all the 'what ifs'. Sigh.... You hit the nail on the head

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I love that you and your DH are big planners- can you tell me what kinds of plans you’re looking forward to? Sometimes it’s easier to know what you want than what you don’t want. And having kids will affect those plans, I’m curious in what ways but it depends on your dreams I suppose.

Sure @diamondyes ! DH is in graduate school right now getting his doctorate. He will graduate in about 2 years. At that time we will both work full time here in CA (hopefully) before eventually moving back to the frozen Midwest. All of our parents are there, and they are unfortunately elderly and in need of more help. At least for us to be close by if/when something goes wrong.

our hope is to purchase a home (if the market calms down) and settle in the Midwest until our parents pass.

Once the parents pass, we want to snowbird and live in my parent's house in the summer, and relocate back to CA for fall and winter. We would like to jump back and forth between the two until we can't anymore.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I told my parents I didn't want kids at the age of 4. Thats a promise kept! I do not regret not having any.

Let me just say this; I love babies, I really do and when my nieces and nephews were young, I absolutely loved it! I love them now too but yeah wish they had stayed babies!!

But as much as I love my dogs, kids were just never in the cards. I'm too selfish for that type of lifestyle.

I thankfully met a man who also never wanted any, but I think his upbringing has more to do with his decision.

Thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate that!

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I am not certain I would have kids if I were to do it over again. That is no reflection on my kids, they are good people and there has been a lot of good stuff along the way.

If you are interested in hearing more, I'd be happy to share. (I did want to have kids if the stars aligned (for me that meant meeting someone who was a true partner, and being able to) - my perspective is not one of not wanting kids/not being sure i wanted kids and then ending up having them.)

Thank you so much for your honesty! Yes I would love to hear more about your decision.

 

[nala]

You can have an end goal with anything in life if you go into it with purpose and… an end goal. The end goal of choosing to become a parent, can and I’m sure does differ person to person.

One of my end goals for having children was to contribute good into this world - to do my part in raising someone that will enrich this world. That wasn’t the only end goal for me, but it was an important one.

If either of my children one day as adults bring a genuine smile to just one face - that’s that end goal achieved. Hopefully they will do a lot more then that, but I have absolutely no doubt their presence in the world will make it a better place to be.

So I’m really not trying to change your mind regarding the drawbacks and hardships of having kids - just today I was huffing and puffing and ready to throw in the towel regarding my 2 monsters but reading through your list of the drawbacks of having kids just made me think of the following: when I walk outside to drive to work - 10 million ways to die.

Dont even start me on the BS my manager puts me through at work - can’t explain the level of anguish that causes!!! How many sleepless nights have I had over my career? So many I stopped counting. I don’t expect to sleep much tonight and that has nothing to do with my kids!

I don’t feel at all that my life doesn’t belong to me; in all honesty now, in my 30’s I’ve never felt more in control. We’ve (as a family) travelled the entire world before covid forced us to stop. We’ve also travelled without the kids. I’m not saying it’s been all rainbows and no hardships but I am saying nothing in life comes without difficulty.

You are in your 30’s and have never felt more in control—inferring in regard to your kids—give it time. Give it time. Lol. Control is the one thing you do not have as a parent, lol. The illusion of control, maybe.

 

[theredspinel]

You are in your 30’s and have never felt more in control—inferring in regard to your kids—give it time. Give it time. Lol. Control is the one thing you do not have as a parent, lol. The illusion of control, maybe.

By “control as a parent” if you mean to have control over your kids… I don’t want / never have wanted control of my kids (had them in my 20’s so they’re not as young as you’re thinking).

Your children, whether actual children or adults are never yours to own. Or control. Or force by your side in your 90’s… etc.

I have full control of my life, kids or no kids, doesn’t effect that, was my point.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I had bad parents and do not believe I could be a good parent.

I'm my 60s now and glad I never had kids.
I'm too selfish to give up my life to become a life-support unit for a child.
I jealously guard my life's peace and simplicity.
Sharing with with only one person, my SO, is perfect for me.
YMMV.

Also, there's the earth thing.
Each human consumes some of the earth.
The worst thing you can do to our planet is to have a kid.
When a childless person dies, so does their carbon footprint.
Have a kid and you, in time, can be responsible for zillions of carbon footprints.
The earth already has too many people.

I'm glad you mentioned that. My husband says the same thing all the time. No one wants to admit that we have an overpopulation problem, but we do. The best thing we can do for the environment is to stop having children.

 

[seaurchin]

Just an FYI here if anyone doesn't know, female fertility decline starts early and drops steeply with age. I don't know much about freezing eggs but it might be something for Undecideds to consider.

Women's fertility drops off far more steeply by age than men's does



This chart is chance of conception per month of trying, by age



The chance of miscarriage also rises as the chance of conception drops.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Just an FYI here if anyone doesn't know, female fertility decline drops off steeply with age. I don't know much about freezing eggs but it might possibly be something to consider.

Women's fertility drops off far more steeply by age than men's does



This chart is chance of conception per month of trying, by age



The chance of miscarriage also rises steeply as the chance of fertility drops.

This is super helpful, thank you!

I really like graphics as I am a visual learner. This is why we are seriously discussing this now, because we are already in the age range where immediate conception is not likely, and if we wait a few more years the chance will drop significantly. Thanks for posting!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,
I think it is wise to consider the many essential tasks that one has with having a child. It is not the same as getting up early for work. When the child wakes it has to be fed, no choice there. If getting up early for a job annoys you, change jobs. The child or baby cannot be ignored.
When you first have a baby you will be lonely for adult company. Your friends work or are busy with their own children. Young women have told me they are very lonely at home with their small child.
If you have lived a decent and fulfilling life and find yourself alone when you are ready to die, that moment does not negate the joy and love you did have when life was being lived. Love remembers and is remembered.

I have a philosophy in life. I am not the first for sure to believe such things, but I believe humans need to love rather than to be loved. So, Sprinkles as long as you love people in your life, whether it be animals or babies, you will be satisfied with your life. Just make sure you remember that. Thats what makes it meaningful.
No right or wrong decision!

Annette

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I’m sorry you had that happen! So many sacrifices involved in becoming a parent. Loss of vision is something I found out could happen after I’d had two kids, and for me it was a very shocked moment to learn just how many things can go wrong… should I scare OP a bit and list them? Is that helpful or cruel? Let me know, OP!

Thanks, it could have been so much worse so I consider myself lucky. That did end any idea of considering a third though, not worth the risk.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Sprinkles&Stones, so sorry to read that about your grandmother Selfishly I want to be long gone before I ever have to go into a nursing home because of how lonely and isolating it seems. Not knocking anyone who has a relative in one, just speaking for myself.

 

[737liz]

This is going to be long, meandering, and occasionally insulting. I think the arguments for 'the joys of motherhood' has quite a strong representation on instagram and elsewhere in society. I am by no means discounting how wonderful parenting can be for some.

But before I drivel on and pass judgment. FREEZE YOUR EGGS. YESTERDAY. CHOICE IS IMPORTANT. You say you are not 100% against kids. So freeze 'em. I have been screaming to all my friends to freeze their eggs for the past decade. I was told I was insulting them, that they had plenty of time. These same women are now confronted with lack of choice, and some are crushed by it. They are mourning the children they never even conceived. FREEZE YOUR EGGS.

I am in my late 30s. I have never wanted children. And still don't. I am with a man who agrees with me. When I was a kid I assumed I would have a family but that is simply because that is the modèl of what a 'grown up' was. I have never felt gushy about babies or children. Ironically, I fell into a job where I am either taking care of or tutoring kids all day every day. 45 plus hours a week embedded in family life. And it IS rewarding.

I'm going to be controversial but I view having children as a selfish act. Caring for that child is selfless, but the initial impulse and desire for a child is one that is calculated to benefit the parents, and the parents alone. Unless those parents say to themselves and others that they are going to have kids 'for the sake of the future and humanity'. Um, every parent thinks their kid is going to better the planet. 7 billion and counting.

I can objectively see the allure of having an extension of oneself manifested in a creature that is malleable and wholly reliant and devoted to you.

Yet I still have zero interest starting a family by any means, whether through adoption or procreation. My position is that unless I needed a child to feel fulfilled, having bio kids is not in the interest of society or the planet.

I have been repeatedly told that I must want kids deep down. I have been asked why spend so much time working with them, if I don't want one. I have been told it's my duty to have a kid because I would make such a good mother. To which my rather insulting reply is 'I'd rather fix yours than create my own'.

Many of my friends had kids because they didn't want to be alone at 80. Or wanted a 'legacy'. If you have a healthy neurotypical, driven child who grows up pursuing a lucrative career, great. They can help you financially as well as emotionally. But if you have a child who needs help well beyond their 18th birthday, or 25th, or 45th, what then? If the act of raising that child and seeing him or her learn, grown, and become an independent human being is all you want, then by all means have a child. But counting on your kid being a companion, old age security net, or saviour of the planet seems a bit unreasonable.

All that to say, I am not in my twilight years looking back, but I do not believe that children are a recipe for happiness. If you are happy now, what do you hope to get from parenting? Yes, you may find that parenthood brings new wonderful dimensions to your life. Or not. If you are on the fence, that is a big gamble for yourself, your marriage, but most importantly, for your theoretical future child.

Hope you are finding clarity with all our replies! And please freeze your eggs!

 

[theredspinel]

Apologies in advance OP, going into a tangent here but really wanted to add this to the discussion. I dislike this “woke” culture we seem to be surrounded by. If it’s not one trend everyone’s jumping on, it’s another.

Has anyone that believes in the whole ‘go childless to save the planet’ ever actually looked into the science, facts and figures of it? Or does everyone just spout the same line over and over after hearing it.

To try and keep this succinct, this graph shows the climate impacts of our most oft treaded lifestyle choices, BUT without factoring in global policy changes (that have already started a downward trend of carbon consumption per capita)



Then:





NOTE: Factoring in ONE change - policy - leads to this drastic change in data; imagine factoring in the hundreds of other factors applicable here.

So,

Imagine skipping flights all together? Ready to give that up? How much could you save the planet then? Much more then skipping having kids…

As for donating to effective climate charities, we’re on a luxury jewellery forum: many of us here earn more in one year then a lifetime in the 3rd world can earn… an *entire lifetime* - think about that.

There’s plenty you can do to save the planet before you have to give up having kids, if that’s what you want to do.

Plenty doesn’t even cover it, so unless you actually decided not to have kids for environmental reasons, seems it’s just a current buzzword benefit to tack on to the end of the list of benefits of not having kids! Which is fine, but let’s call a spade a spade.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I agree Daisy! Thanks for chiming in!

i have always from a young age thought the world was disgustingly over populated
i mean i never thought a balancing act like covid would pop up in my lifetime but i have always thought the kindest thing for the animals was if humans died out

and i thought this since i was 6 ....which was way back in the 70's